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Retroactive Jealousy
Hello everyone. I am desperate! I am in graduate school, and six months ago I met my one true love. We are madly in love and we are each other's soulmates. Regarding our relationship, we are absolutely perfect between ourselves. We live together already and openly talk about our engagement. There is NO DOUBT -not one- in our minds that we are destined for each other and that we belong together. There is only one problem: I am suffering from intense retroactive jealousy. Truthfully, I shouldn't really be complaining about either one of our pasts; we are virtually tied in the number of previous partners we have both had. What gets to me is the fact that she met some guy, sort of dated him for about a month, and slept with him twice. This was about three months before she met me. Needless to say, she disclosed it to me because of an argument her and a friend of her's had, and it devastated me for some illogical reason (I know it was before me, and so its not like she cheated on me...but it feels like she did). I've never had a one night stand, and at first I thought she had one with this guy and that's what upset me so much. It demeaned her in my eyes at first, and just flat out angered me after that. Eventually I found out she kind of dated the guy, and that it technically wasn't a one night stand (it was more than once and the guy said he loved her and what not but she didn't feel the same way and so broke it off and then found me). She loves ME desperately, and has not only told me that her being with that guy was a mistake (and she does feel that way), but also that had she known that she would have fallen truly in love, she would have saved herself for me and never had sex with anyone else. At first I thought that was just talk to get me to stop being angry about her past, but I look back at my past and I know I feel the same way, so I don't think its a load of crap. She kept being hurt by seeing me so depressed about this, and finally we agreed once and for all to stop talking about it. I've made good on that promise, but I am in a constant personal hell over it. There's not a moment where I'm not somehow thinking about it and it pains me like few things ever have. She is my everything and I am hers, and so I refuse to continue to let our relationship suffer over this and refuse to lose her. I think I can viably continue to keep it to myself and not let it interfere with our relationship, but I need help because I can't stand it -I am constantly depressed (though I hide that from her). I've researched retroactive jealousy and a variety of things, but despite knowing how illogical these feelings are, I am still suffering...and badly. Please help!
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