I keep reading about how women should always trust there gut. It's a statistic that 85% of women who suspect there man of cheating is right.
I guess I am part of that 15% that is not right. I am insecure, sometimes more that other times. I will get the urge to snoop and look into things and my bf isnt cheating on me. I know he is not, but due to my insecurities i always think "What if???" And i drive myself crazy with it. I make situations worse in my head and then in a way, start to believe them or worry about them. I do think I am getting better with the trust issues but sometimes i just...worry.
So I do understand why they say to trust your gut, but how do you tell yourself NOT to trust your gut?
Well, you recognize that you are being insecure and perhaps unreasonable. That's a start. Unfortunately, it's easier to go from being naive to perceptive of cheating signs. All you need a couple bad experiences. But going from insecure to simply "on guard" I think takes a bit more work. Instead of a learning process, it's a personality update.
What could help is talking to him. If you explain your issue and your desire to change, he would probably be willing to help, as I'm sure he would prefer not to be under suspicion. Talking about cheating and hearing where you stand in words probably won't reveal anything you don't already know, but hearing it can relieve some insecurity. Most of the work will be within yourself; you have to allow yourself to trust him. It's not that you can't; you most likely want to trust him by default. It's your insecurity that's preventing you from doing it.
Just think rationally. Ignore your pangs of suspicion and really look at what's in front of you. If there's nothing really to indicate cheating, let it go.
I never tell myself to not trust my gut. Historically its accuracy has been phenomenal.
Mine is completely random and I think the only useful things it tells me are: "Time to eat," "Whatever you ate has gone bad," "Beware of potential immediate physical harm," and "Time to stop drinking." My brain has given me much better insight on relationships.
Thanks for the response Puss. I have talked to him, he is aware of me being insecure and talking about it has helped, and it has also caused fights here and there. But I certainly do need to think more rationally. I need to keep my eyes open but let go at the same time.
Tan- I do trust my gut when it comes to certain things such as being hungry, not walking down dark alleys, not taking rides with strangers etc LOL...but when it comes to this specific area of life, relationships, sometimes I need to tell my gut to shut up.
I am kind of like this with people in general...i have a hard time trusting them not to do something that'll hurt me. With my bf it is just worse cause i have so much to lose.
Suit yourself. I'm just saying that there have been 3 gf's with whom I felt something just wasn't right. In all 3 cases they assured me they loved me and I thought I must just be paranoid. And in all 3 cases, after a little snooping, I discovered on my own that they cheated on me. I don't tell my gut to shut up anymore.
Well she did say that 85% of women have relatively accurate guts. Some of us don't, I'm one of them as well. I guess if your gut isn't so accurate, it isn't a matter of TOTALLY ignoring it; you just have to call in your intellect to supplement the gut feeling, that's all.
I'm weird about the whole "trusting your gut" thing, so I may not be the best person to give advice here. But in relationships each and everytime I had a weird guy feeling I was 100% right, and I'm not someone who has trust issues. I would also like to add that a gut feeling that he's up to no good is not the same as knowing that you are someone who has security/trust issues.
I keep reading about how women should always trust there gut. It's a statistic that 85% of women who suspect there man of cheating is right.
I guess I am part of that 15% that is not right. I am insecure, sometimes more that other times. I will get the urge to snoop and look into things and my bf isnt cheating on me. I know he is not, but due to my insecurities i always think "What if???" And i drive myself crazy with it. I make situations worse in my head and then in a way, start to believe them or worry about them. I do think I am getting better with the trust issues but sometimes i just...worry.
So I do understand why they say to trust your gut, but how do you tell yourself NOT to trust your gut?
It is difficult. I am in the same position as you are, although, if you read my last thread then I do sometimes feel as though my insecurity is justified when it comes to my BF.
There definitely is something inside of each of us, particularly women I feel, that tells us when something is a-miss. Its kind of like a sixth sense of sorts and for the most part it is accurate. We as human beings have natural instincts, just like any other animal, and the world that we live in today, means that our natural instinct for sniffing out danger has changed from "dont walk down that particular road at night because something doesn't feel right" to "my boyfriend is cheating on me because something doesn't feel right" Its today's society. Infidelity has become like second nature to many people, its no wonder that the good ones out there are a little paranoid about the intentions of their SO's.
The thing is though, what we also have to remember is that the mind does play tricks on us and sometimes when we are already feeling a bit vunerable we can read too much into situations and make a mountain out of a mole hill so to speak. It's trying to define the difference between fact and fiction that can be the problem.
This may or may not help you poster but The way I see it now is life is too short to let worry and insecurity eat me up all of the time. These are destructive attributes to posses and would probably have ended up being the main contributors to the breakdown of my relationship if I hadn't sorted them out. In the end it was my attitude that I changed more than anything else. When I think about it now I say to myself "if he's gonna cheat, he's gonna cheat, there isn't anything I can do to change that. As long as I make sure that I take care of all of his needs and love him without condition then if he does cheat I can hold my head high and say I was faithful and true and caring and loving all the way through our relationship. I did not nag him or drive him to it because I always let him make his own choices and I definitely did not contribute to his want for something or someone else" I know now that if my BF does break my trust, I will survive it and become stronger for it. I dont need to worry about it all of the time anymore.
The less I worried about all of my insecurities, the more approachable I became, the more approachable I became to my BF the more he wanted to spend time with me and be in my company, the more he spent time with me the closer we got, the closer we got the stronger the bond between us grew and the stronger the bond between us grew the less and less I worried about him cheating etc. Its kind of a "good" vicious circle now!!
All of the above was just my way of dealing with it, I don't know if it will work for you but I'm just offering my advice.
No, i dont think it is specific to women either, that is just what the statistic said.
Here's the thing. I cant say anything seems wrong in our relationship. Nothing feels off, i just get these thought in my head and I go on a big spin of what if's. WHat if they try and contact eachother, what if he see's someone better etc and from there I go into this terrible thought process and put things in detail and get myself all worked up. So i guess it wouldnt be gut feeling but it becomes one.
Kinger, your post did help. And you are totally right, I am so in love and I waste so much time worrying. We have been together for 2 years and he is very loving, he came from a great family (parents still married) and he is all around a sweet guy. I do need to get it through my head exactly what you said "If he is going to cheat he will cheat. All i can do is be myself and be the best girlfriend I can be."
My life started with cheating and lying...my dad was having an affair with the next door neighbor and moved in there when i was 3...leaving my Mom broken hearted with 3 kids to raise. Her next boyfriend 7 years later had a fiance on the other side of town (no joke) and she had no idea...she came home one day and had a letter from this woman. My brother has cheated on every gf he has ever had, is very disrespectful to women and always wants the next best thing...he makes me VERY mad. He is like every womans worst nightmare.
So i think with all that I just give myself the "What if" scenerios and i go with it.
Thank you for taking time to reply. I do understand that some people believe your gut is always right, but i think I just put myself in overdrive and I know that when it comes to this, I am wrong. I just hope it passes one day. I am going to try!
Here's the thing. I cant say anything seems wrong in our relationship. Nothing feels off, i just get these thought in my head and I go on a big spin of what if's. WHat if they try and contact eachother, what if he see's someone better etc and from there I go into this terrible thought process and put things in detail and get myself all worked up. So i guess it wouldnt be gut feeling but it becomes one.
And this is exactly what I was trying to say in my previous reply. We make too much out of a situation. Not everybody does it, some people have a go lucky attitude and don't let these sorts of things bother them, but others (including me) feel the need to analyise everything, break it down and try and work out what it all means. Its just a personality trait. Take your time ash, let life carry you through and take the rough with the smooth, what will be will be. You cannot necessarily stop these thoughts and insecurities entering into your head but when they do appear, you have the power to control what you do with them. Try and build on a technique that works for you so that when you start trying to over analyise everything or become insecure, jealous, paranoid, you find a way of either channeling these thoughts into something else, or driving them so far out of your mind that they become the least important thing day to day. Its all a matter of habit, break the habit and you have touchdown!!
I keep reading about how women should always trust there gut. It's a statistic that 85% of women who suspect there man of cheating is right.
I guess I am part of that 15% that is not right. I am insecure, sometimes more that other times. I will get the urge to snoop and look into things and my bf isnt cheating on me. I know he is not, but due to my insecurities i always think "What if???" And i drive myself crazy with it. I make situations worse in my head and then in a way, start to believe them or worry about them. I do think I am getting better with the trust issues but sometimes i just...worry.
So I do understand why they say to trust your gut, but how do you tell yourself NOT to trust your gut?
Thinking simply "What if??" and KNOWING that he's not cheating on you is NOT the same as having a gut instinct that "something's not right" and that he is cheating on you. Therefore, there's no need to tell yourself not to trust your gut, because it's not telling you anything yet.
And like Tanbark I can't tell myself not to trust mine - it's right every single time.
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Star gazer- You are right, I think I was a bit confused when i started this post. It's just that when i get these ideas i guess it starts to feel like a gut feeling because something inside me is telling me to make sure or check on things.
Kinger, thank you so much for your response, you are right! It is all we can do, just live and go with the flow. It is also nice to not feel alone in feeling this way. I know I have a friend or 2 that may feel like this from time to time but they wouldnt admit it. I have admitted it but they are biased and I'd rather be here venting this kind of stuff.
From now on when this stuff goes through my head I need to switch my focus to anything else.
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I can't tell myself not to trust mine - it's right every single time.
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