My CP-ex has come back knocking on my door once more since the middle of December. That is to say, what does "back" mean? Well, it means his usual confusing self... I thought we were done for good. I guess it ain't over 'till it's over... So we are now in the "what are we?" phase...
Yes, we did sleep together once last Sunday and I know that was a BAD MOVE... I kept quiet for a week after that. On Friday he sent me a two lines text saying what his plans are for this weekend (work) and I replied with two lines back. Nothing personal. He replied once more saying "hmmmm.... that's the short aswer I guess" and goes on to tell me how valuable our friendship is and "that he hopes I will talk to him about how I feel about where we are with our relationship". He also says it could be hard for him to talk about those things but that it is important to him and that he doesn't want to let it go too long without addressing it. He finishes by saying that I am always welcome into his "space" and his "life" and that I should feel free to call him to invite him over or to invite myself over to his place.
Hmmm... I sense a trap there. Is that a wrong reaction? Part of me is surprised he came up with the courage to talk about emotional stuff (he is usually absolutely allergic to that and it makes him very nervous. Usually he deviates the conversation to a neutral topic).
He broke up with me already twice. The last time I just said "ok" and gave no further peep. He claims his mind works fast, if there's something he doesn't like he solves it fast (by turning off emotionally) and once he makes up his mind he claims he sticks to his guns.
Yeah, right. Sort off.
Then he he appears into my life once more doing the whole friendship thing again. We've been there before.
I wrote him an email thanking him for his kind offer to address our feelings but that I am not really sure how safe I feel doing that at this moment.
That will probably put him off the topic for a while.
It's not going to solve the situation either.
I do appreciate doing things together with him a lot. He's kinda my only true friend around here. Unfortunately, he's also a friend I do not really trust, relationship-wise I mean, and that, in turn, undermines the friendship...
How should I deal with this? My instinct tells me I don't want to deal with this, because I am afraid to go into the whole "what do we have/I can't commit"-ordeal again. I am assuming he hasn't changed. Not in 5 months. He's 44 and he's never been married, no kids, needs his space, needs control over his life, and doesn't respond well to external pressures/challenges.
MJ -- It sounds like he's bringing you back into a friends-with-benefits relationship. Just like my ex-cp always tries to do whenever she realizes that I'm moving on.
I don't know what to make of the whole "lets talk about feelings/relationship" thing he is pulling. Trust your instincts -- which are telling you not to trust him. It might be just a subconscious method of making sure you stay reeled in -- something that keeps your interest peaked.
I almost feel hyprocritical giving you the advice I want to give: Cut this man out of your life! However, I'm only now, after 3 years, showing some success in this area.
Here's a middle-ground idea: Why don't you have the talk, but let him do all the talking! Don't give him an ounce of vulnerable information about you, but ask all the questions. Make sure he knows that you are protecting yourself and that he is on really thin ice -- and that you don't know what you want -- when it comes to him.
Good luck MJ -- I wish there were another man that was grabbing your attention right now.... and... you *must* work on widening your circle of friends!
Last edited by notmakingsense; 13th January 2007 at 8:03 PM.
He wants to come over tomorrow evening to spend some time together. He claims he doesn't want FwB. Off course he doesn't tell me straight up what he wants. Instead he wants to hear what I want.
I've been down that road before. I feel like I am being put through a test. It's a test with trick questions. I simply do not wish to take that road again.
What I don't understand is this: the time we've spent together since mid-December has been amicable. We saw movies together, went downtown, had dinner together at my place or his, talked about things, life, without getting physical (OK last Sunday evening did not go exactly like that, but nevermind. Let's keep this at "a mistake").
Basically, I feel he wants to be my friend, then crosses the line, next needs to know where we stand (because he's worried about our friendship?). I haven't been exactly throwing myself at him. I was and still am actually ok with the distance between us. I can't take this drama any further.
NMS, good idea about letting him do the talking. Only, knowing him... he probably doesn't want to talk anymore now that I brushed him off. That's what I mean with the trick questions...
I was thinking of tomorrow evening trying to pick up where we left before we ended up in bed together Sunday evening. Back to the friends without benefits... No mention of Sunday.
He claims he doesn't want FwB, yet it sounds exactly like what is actually happening. As long as it isn't labeled that way, he doesn't feel guilty about it.
If he insists on dragging information out of you, perhaps you can tell him what your gut is telling you -- that you think a long term relationship with him is not possible, but you can work on being friends as long as no more "mistakes" are made. You want to see other people, and being intimate with him will make that too problematic.
Just remember that it takes both of you to cross the line. Be stronger if you can -- if you can't -- start cutting down on the meetings with him until you have moved on a bit more.
NMS, you are right! It DOES take two to cross that line! Thanks for showing me though love. I guess I need it!!!!
I am thinking now, perhaps I should cancel tomorrow evening all together. Too bad for that extra piece of organic salmon.
I don't know, am really in doubt now. Should I cancel, should I just go through and stay at a distance. For sure I am NOT going to sleep with him again. That is out of the question!
And if I cancel, how to do it in a non-offensive way? What to say without bringing out the whole relationship discussion again?
Some other gut feeling... he insisted on meeting me tomorrow, not this evening... He might as well be dating one of the yahoo personals women now. I have no clue. But then again, we're not a couple...
You mean you were going to cook for him? The extra Salmon will be great on a salad for your lunch the next day.
The fact that you are analyzing so much means you are far from being able to handle a true friendship with him... a situation where you don't care what he does with his extra time.
The choice is between no-contact or sucking-it-up and protecting yourself during the contact. As for myself, I'm sticking with no-contact even though my ex made it easy to get back togetner again... perhaps you are stronger than I am -- but just be careful.
If you decide to cancel -- I don't think it will offend him. I believe he knows how he affects you. If it does offend him -- well, tough.
I tossed and turned all night, finally wanted to send him a message this morning canceling dinner plans. Guess what? When I opened my inbox, there were 2 messages from him, one with all the details about what he is going to cook for me tonight titled "love" and another one that he might want to go see an event at 4 pm downtown but isn't sure, and askes about my plans.
That's the whole thing, this "might want to", "friends", "love" thing going on for nearly 2 years now that is driving me insane... I feel like he's trying, but I'm not sure WHAT he is trying. I do know his appartment is his universe, one that not many people are allowed to enter, and the fact that he's carefully planning dinner with French recipes and all is not really his style... I feel like it would be rude of me not to turn up now...
God, how would I have loved this without the push-pull behavior and antecedents of breaking up. Now all I am is suspicious...
I feel somewhere towards the end of dinner I should say something about how I value his friendship and then go home and back off for a while. I don't feel up to discussing ANYTHING emotional with him now. I've listened to his feelings (of love, hurt, and mainly of confusion) and talked about mine for one and a half years and it has only given me heartache.
I see that I am enabling all of this mess. That's the worst part.
I've been exactly where you are now. More than a few times. The last time my ex and I got together, it was because I had started dating and she started to sense I was moving on. At that point, there was an outpouring of affection from her, and statements about what the future would hold for us. I made the mistake of falling for it -- breaking off relations with a woman who might have been better for me -- just to be sucked back in to the drama with my ex. 2 months later, the distancing started, and 3 months later, we were broken up again.
If your guy is a true commitment phobe (reasearch this if you haven't already), then you need to be very careful. I understand your not wanting to cancel dinner tonight -- but protect yourself.
I like your approach about ending the evening with statements of friendship. But -- I still worry about you. I worry about the fact that you are so torn up over this on the inside. It takes an unbelievable amount of strength to operate as a friend when there are feelings of love on the inside.
NMS, I sent a polite message back ignoring the "love" in the title and saying that I would be coming over for dinner but would not go to the event downtown today. That would make it just a bit "too much" for me.
Yes, I am terribly torn up inside (stomachache and everything), I confess, but I am strong on the outside and the tougher the storm, the more composed and calm I become. (I've been in situations in the field in the Caribbean and Latin-America being on my own where I've had to be composed in order to guarantee my own safety. I can do that )
But I agree, it is definitely time to back off after tonight's dinner. He's very perceptive and he's not the type to make any moves without knowing what is going on inside me. It's time to show him I have class.
Next weekend one of my long time friends of 20 years is coming over from Europe so I will be having company. I do miss my dear friends very much, there are not many of them, and they are scattered all over the globe, but they are heartfelt friends.
Btw, the date I went on before NYE was very nice but when he walked me towards my apartment I told that I am looking for a friend right now, not a relationship, and that was that I'm afraid... Honesty beats it all, but it sure is lonely...
NMS, I sent a polite message back ignoring the "love" in the title and saying that I would be coming over for dinner but would not go to the event downtown today. That would make it just a bit "too much" for me.
Yes, I am terribly torn up inside (stomachache and everything), I confess, but I am strong on the outside and the tougher the storm, the more composed and calm I become. (I've been in situations in the field in the Caribbean and Latin-America being on my own where I've had to be composed in order to guarantee my own safety. I can do that )
But I agree, it is definitely time to back off after tonight's dinner. He's very perceptive and he's not the type to make any moves without knowing what is going on inside me. It's time to show him I have class.
Next weekend one of my long time friends of 20 years is coming over from Europe so I will be having company. I do miss my dear friends very much, there are not many of them, and they are scattered all over the globe, but they are heartfelt friends.
Btw, the date I went on before NYE was very nice but when he walked me towards my apartment I told that I am looking for a friend right now, not a relationship, and that was that I'm afraid... Honesty beats it all, but it sure is lonely...
That's a good plan about tonight. I'm glad that you have a friend coming over to visit -- it is good to have that support if you are otherwise lacking right now in NYC.... something you need to work on! On your NYE date -- honesty is the best policy, but don't be so quick to reveal your innermost feelilngs -- like being afraid. All you have to say is that you recently left a serious relationship and are just trying to have some friendly fun. Guys don't need to hear anything else. As you move on, the guys you meet now may be candidates for something more serious later -- but not if you've scared them away!
NMS, what is the update on your ex? She phoned, invited you over, you turned down the meeting and then????
Any emails, phone calls, visits?
How are you coping?
No contact since an e-mail from her Tuesday saying "Ok... take care" after I turned her down. I hope she doesn't contact me for a long time -- perhaps a very long time (even though I enjoy the thought of her wanting me).
I'm coping fairly well. I'm no longer torn-up on the inside like you are. That was me last year. After suffering so much, my heart and my head are now both in agreement that she is not the one for me in her current state. I have enough inner calm about it that I can focus on other things now -- and I even take time to think about what a relationship with a woman who can truly commit to me would be like -- and it makes me happy that my heart is starting to open itself up to that possibility!
NMS, that is GREAT to hear about you opening up to being with the right person! You have been making so much sense (to me and others) . You seem to have your head screwed on the right way and stable. That is invaluable! Thanks for all the advice you've given already, and I KNOW you're so right!!!
About the NYE date, I didn't give any specifics, only that I'm not looking for a relationship right now but for a friend. Is that scaring someone away? Hmmm... I guess I'm not ready for dating then. But I was thinking of joining the Appalachian mountain club. That seems like might be fun! It's also less formal than going on dates...
lol... telling them that you are just looking for a friend won't scare them away, but telling them "I'm afraid" will -- because it will be a sign that you might be damaged goods. (Even if you are damaged goods right now -- I wouldn't volunteer the information, because it is just a temporary affliction!).. you keep going on dates -- just for fun. The practice is good for you! And... joining a club like that is an OUTSTANDING idea! Definitely a great way to make friends and meet new people!
It's a tough one, MagnoliaJane - I've just ordered a DVD comedy box set and I desperately feel like ringing my ex to invite him to watch it with me as he loves that particular show... but is it them we crave or the familiarity? Are we just lonely? If you had someone you were dating, really interested in, would you make time for the ex?
It's so hard.. I'm struggling right now, mainly because I know my ex is single & lonely at the moment but unlike yours, he will never reach out. Maybe I'm lucky in that sense, but at the moment I actually envy you - at least you have the power now, the power to walk away from the "friendship", to stop the contact... it's a great thing to have, use it or lose it!
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The extra Salmon will be great on a salad for your lunch the next day.
On your NYE date -- honesty is the best policy, but don't be so quick to reveal your innermost feelilngs -- like being afraid. All you have to say is that you recently left a serious relationship and are just trying to have some friendly fun. Guys don't need to hear anything else. As you move on, the guys you meet now may be candidates for something more serious later -- but not if you've scared them away! 
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