Hello all, (whoops... forgot the word Advice in the Topic)
I wanted to start a new thread as I feel I am in a completely new (some ways good, some ways bad) place. To summarize my situation as quickly as possible: I have been with my wife over 3 years and married 1 and a half years. We have had problems with intimacy, communication, and basically everything except being friends. We have decided that the best course of action is for her to move into her own apartment. I have not decided between filing for divorce or simply signing a separation agreement. This isn't really the topic of this thread, but I thought the background could help.
Ok, so I have been doing a lot of reading, self examination, talking on this message board, talking with family, talking with friends, been to some therapy sessions and last night I came to a very clear realization. I feel completely out of control emotionally, logically, and almost trapped in this bubble of misery. I can't sleep well, eat right, or do normal work or play activities without the constant throbbing of sadness. I wake up, go to sleep, and often just walking around anywhere at home or work and break down into tears. I have read a lot on here about manning up. I have read and understood that my self-esteem (although growing slowly) is almost non-existent. I cannot go a solid ten minutes throughout the day without feeling this hopelessness and despair. At first I thought I was just in "panic mode" and was desperately trying to fix my relationship. Then I got to an area where I was ready to move on with my life. Although I still feel ready to move on with my life, something is wrong. I have had breakups (never a wife, just girlfriends) in the past and remember feeling pretty crappy, but nothing like this. I realize this behavior has done NOTHING but drive my wife further from me. I tell myself over and over in the mirror to "be strong" and "you will be ok", etc etc... I feel like I am watching myself from a third person point of view. Part of the problem here, is I now realize I felt a LOT like this before my marriage started splitting apart.
I am scared. I am no longer scared for my relationship, because regardless of what happens my relationship and marriage as I know it are over. I have accepted all these things and DO want to move on with my life. I am honestly scared that I will never be able to gain control over my emotions and my life. I am scared that I drive down the road (and although NOT seriously) I have constant thoughts of just aiming for a bridge or lake. This can't be normal! I called my therapist and left a message last night asking her if she could refer me to someone who might be able to see if I need antidepressants. The thing is ... I DO NOT like the idea of taking any antidepressant medication, but depression runs in my family and I think I've hit a wall. I am trying all the things I read to help (exercise, sleep, eating well, not drinking, etc.) and although I have moments of very clear thinking I would say 95% of the time I feel completely trapped in grief. The weird thing is, having accepted that my relationship is over I don't understand this overwhelming sense of urgency and anxiety.
I know this was another long post by me. I know that some of you have followed my other thread. I know many of you must be rolling your eyes and see another sniveling post. I don't know what to say other than I am not trying to be a melodramatic ass, everything I wrote is exactly how I feel and I can't seem to better myself anymore while I feel THIS way.
Ok, so the questions I post for all (given the background above):
1.) Have you ever taken Antidepressants?
2.) How long does it take to feel any different?
3.) Since depression runs in my family, and I currently feel like total garbage every minute; does it make sense for me to at least TRY antidepressants?
4.) Are there any antidepressants I can recommend or do I have to just take whatever they give me? (At this point I really don't care if the side effects include growing a prehensile tail if it makes me feel better, BUT... IF I can take something that won't just numb me complete... and not cause serious sexual side effects (not that I will be having sex anytime soon)..)
5.) (somewhat related question)... Does anyone else ever think about suicide? Not seriously considering... but the thoughts just pop in your head like a bad dream?...
Del, if you've gotten down that bad... ADs might be the right choice for you. I've not taken them myself, but I've been around alot of folks who have.
I've seen people get relief in as little as two days, and I've seen some who had to try several different medications over a period of months before they started feeling appreciably better. On average, it's about 2 weeks before a patient improves.
Do you pretend to swallow, and then spit them out when no one's looking? That's what I do, but if you're not quick they can melt in your cheek. The taste can be downright depressing.
Delarocha, what you are going through sounds an awful lot like what i've gone through. I cried almost 24/7 for the first 6 months! I spent about 90% of my day sitting and crying on the bathroom floor of my house/office. I cried and cried and cried. Often thought about suicide. Was absolutely petrified of what my life was going to be. I seriously thought I would die from starvation because I didnt know how to cook. My ex did everything from paying the bills to cooking, so I felt that the sky was going to fall and I would just shrivel up and die because I couldnt do any of that.
I often saw myself in third perspective. Logically, i knew that everything would be ok. Logically, I knew that worse things could happen to me. But emotionally, I was a wreck. Looking back, perhaps I should have been on anti-d. But I was JUST able to control my emotions. In third perspective, I could see myself crying on the floor, and I knew when it was time to get up off the floor and do something else because i was coming very close to that edge of falling in and I knew I'd never get up. I had almost no sound sleep for months and woke up each morning with this awful dread in the pit of my stomach. But I kept telling myself that my situation is just temporary, that in time and in effort, things will get better. I knew this because for a split second in the days and weeks to come, I'd be able to smile. And I knew that if I could smile yesterday, I might be able to smile today or tomorrow. Then the up's came more frequently and lasted longer, and this helped me during the really low downs. If you had told me two years ago that I'd be able to have hope for the future and that I'd be happy again, I wouldnt have believed you. Trust me, things WILL get better. I'm night and day from where I was, and although life isnt perfect, it never will be, it is a LOT better than from that day and time in my life.
It might help you to write a daily journal of 10 things that made you happy. Once I started focusing on the positives in my life, regardless of how insignificant it seemed, I was able to put one foot in front of the other. I also asked myself two questions on a daily basis. 1) Did i have fun today? 2) Did i accomplish something today? To have meaning in your life you need to be able to have some sort of fun, and you need to make sure you've taken care of your responsibilities. A little bit of fun and a little bit of work.
It does take time and effort to move on, but slowly and surely you will get better. You will challenge yourself, you will learn so much about yourself, and this event will probably change you for the rest of your life, but things can get better, much better, if you are determined to do so.
Also, watch your internal dialogue! This is a major one. In your post you've said some things like people rolling their eyes at you. Let me ask you, if one of your friends was in your shoes, would you be rolling your eyes at them? Knowing that this person was in pain and grieiving, would you be snickering behind their backs? Would you think lowly of them? I would hope not, and if not, why would you think that towards yourself? You HAVE to be your best friend, and you shouldnt stay stuff to yourself you wouldnt even say to your worst enemy. Be gentle, kind and patient to yourself. You are going through a very difficult time, it's not something one can just "snap" out of. But it is something you can work through and become better from.
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When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock somewhere else.
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I cried almost 24/7 for the first 6 months! I spent about 90% of my day sitting and crying on the bathroom floor of my house/office. I cried and cried and cried.
I know this was another long post by me. I know that some of you have followed my other thread. I know many of you must be rolling your eyes and see another sniveling post. I don't know what to say other than I am not trying to be a melodramatic ass, everything I wrote is exactly how I feel and I can't seem to better myself anymore while I feel THIS way.
No one thinks that. There's only room for one melodramatic arse around here, and that's me.
I have been following your other thread. We are in similar time frames of our break ups and I am in the same boat right now. I just asked myself if I would be better off trying ADs too.
We feel such despair emotionally but it is affecting everything that we do. I have lost almost 15 lbs. since Thanksgiving and have no appetite. I always have a pit in my stomach when my H is around. I have no motivation to cook even for my kids. I am just functioning to get thru the day with the kids. I don't have thougts of killing myself over my idiot H. But i feel like doing some WWF moves on him.
If everything in your post is genuine about how you feel and I have read all your self changes and attitude then bring it to a professional. You have alot to be proud of. You made some real positive life changes. You did what you can by yourself. I know how you feel. But you don't need or deserve to be trapped in grief 95% of the time. Just take the first step and see what a professional has to offer.
You can always re-evaluate whether you need the ADs or not.
dgiirl,
Thanks for your response. I too feel that logically I KNOW I will be ok, but I just feel that in order to become a better person I HAVE to get out of this hole. I suppose worst case scenario is that I waste money on meds, get some nasty side effects for a while, they don't work, and I stop taking them. Best case scenario is they help to just get my head above water. I know how to swim, I just need this frigging' anchor taken off my legs.
I'm not completely against ad's if it will help. I think going to a therapist who can prescribe these meds to you is a great idea. I did go to a therapist and she felt at the time that I could try to handle it on my own, but if things got any worse, that I could try meds. But irregardless of what you do, you still need to take action in your life.
I made a conscious decision at the very beginning to get dressed, showered and OUT of the house every single day, weekday or weekend, holiday or not. I knew that if I skipped a single day, and stayed in bed, that I would get really bad in depression. At first, I spent most of my weekends at the library reading self-help books or taking a walk in the park. But quickly after, I ran out of things to do. Thus, I started to take up photography I'd take my little digital camera and go to all the touristy places of my city, places I've been meaning to visit for 8 years and never had the chance to go, i finally did. By taking my camera, I could play a role. I could pretend to be this confident self assured person taking pictures, spy on the world and hide behind my camera. But it got me out of the house, and more importantly, it made me open my eyes again. I started seeing things in a new way. I could watch people and imagine their life story. I could go into a crowd of people and not feel so alone. I lived alone, no kids, big empty house, no support living close, so just getting out into the crowd helped a lot.
After a while, I needed to start refocusing my thoughts. I saw that I'd be focusing too much on my exh, on the anger I had inside, on the fears of not fulfilling my dreams, and these thoughts were making me depressed and sad. Refocusing my thoughts, giving myself permission not to worry about things right now, and focusing more towards positive goals for the future, gave me some breathing space and relief from the depression and crying.
You need to start thinking of things you can do that will make you excited. Even if you have to fake it, be ethusiatic about your future. Start trying new things. Re-try things you thought you hated! I was pleasantly surprised when I tried something I use to hate, only to find out, I actually like it. Be more connected with the present moment. Take a second and look at your surroundings. Truely look at the things around you, the shapes and colours, the textures and smells. Be present in the present. Just do anything and everything that will give you just the slightest relief from the despair and grief, even if it's just for a split second. Keep doing this and it will become easier and easier.
Just do anything and everything that will give you just the slightest relief from the despair and grief, even if it's just for a split second.
That's a common problem.
Great advice, again. Particularly about getting out of the house. I can vouch for that one. Depending on where you are, the Spring will bring more shapes, colours, textures, and smells. Hold on, life is coming right at ya.
Great advice, again. Particularly about getting out of the house. I can vouch for that one. Depending on where you are, the Spring will bring more shapes, colours, textures, and smells. Hold on, life is coming right at ya.
That is so very true. My exh left me on valentines day. I was a walking zombie for a few weeks after but then spring came! It was something that helped me SOOO much. I had just got a new car that winter, so with the spring, there was sunshine and warmth and I truely got to appreciate just driving around the city in my new car, music blasting, windows down. Every little thing helps. You just have to look for it.
You win some, you lose some. That sucks. And to think I had the insensitivity to make a silly joke about premature ejaculation. That no one got. Oh well.
I think that the Koreans (or maybe the Japanese) don't celebrate Valentine's Day - they do something slightly different on different days. I think. So screwing North America may be the answer.
That is so very true. My exh left me on valentines day. I was a walking zombie for a few weeks after but then spring came! It was something that helped me SOOO much. I had just got a new car that winter, so with the spring, there was sunshine and warmth and I truely got to appreciate just driving around the city in my new car, music blasting, windows down. Every little thing helps. You just have to look for it.
Always wanted to get my concealed carry permit, but I think having a gun around right now is not a very wise choice. Haha, at least I KNOW that huh? So, maybe it's time to really learn to play my guitar. Use it for something other than collecting dust.
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