For the last 5 years I have seriously pondered on and off if I was sexually abused as a child. Apprx 5 years ago I told my best friend I thought I was sexually abused and they gave me such a harsh reaction that I was "lying" that I clammed up and never thought of it until I recently started to explore relationship issues Im having.

I remember very little if any of the abuse. I do not remember the abuser. Its all very vague and sketchy to me. And Im not sure if its me trying to remember something when there is nothing there. I remember a blue soapy cloth between my legs for a long time. I remember a "tickle" game as a child. I remember I was sleepy and it was dark and I was in my closet once, naked, and the feeling of a man pulling out from between my legs. I remember a horrid pain between my legs when I was little. I remember being about 10 or 11, I was just starting puberty, and my father was watching me take a bath. I remember saying something about how I didnt like him seeing me naked (especially sincewhile I was getting breasts) and him replying something along the lines of "Ive seen lots of woman naked before."

I lived with my stepdad J M from the time I was 4 - approx. the age 7. A few years ago my mother shared with me he used to beat her. I remember being about 10 and JM calling wanting to see me because he missed me and I wanted to see him. My mother flat out refused.

I have never lived with my real dad though he had custody of me every weekend as a child.

My most concrete reason for believing this is I remember specifically being very sexual as a child. Im 28 now and I have very vivid detailed memories of the sexual things I did when I was younger. I was about 4 or 5, being in day care and we had these plain white puzzles you could decorate and color. I remember taking three and drawing naked men and women. I remember feeling embarressed at what I was drawing and I broke apart the puzzles and threw them in the garbage. At this same day care, being around the same age as the puzzle incident, hiding under a table that had a cloth, me and another girl showed each other our privates and fondled each other.

I also remember starting masturbating at the age of 7/8, and knowing as well as being able to make myself orgasm. I remember I would say I wanted to "nap" crawl into my bed and get naked. I also would put a pillow between my legs and hump it. Somewhere between the ages of 7 - 9 I made friends with a younger girl in our apartment complex. I remember one day we were inside, in her room playing doctor.

I remember her getting naked. I can not remember but I think I stuck something inside her. The little girls parents caught us because when we were done playing the girl had put her shirt on inside out. Nothing was ever said to my mother, but I was never allowed to play with the girl again. I was at my fathers house that weekend. By the age 9 we (my mom and i) had moved to a new town and I had a new babysitter.

I remember there was this boy my age and I really liked him. I remember almost immediately I would make out with this boy. I remember being the aggressor. We would hide underneath the covers and play a game I invented so the babysitter wouldnt know what we were up too. I fondled his penis between his jeans and underwear, and he fondled my vagina. I remember getting very wet and turned on. One afternoon I wrote a whole letter in colorful pens about how we should have sex. I started to feel upset and ashamed at my letter.

I tore it up. And then I ended the game with the boy not giving him a reason. At the age of 11/12 I went to a doctors physical for school. I remember her asking me questions about if Id had my period yet and I remember her sticking her finger inside me which infuriated me. I remember totally over-reacting, crying on the way home and having a hard time breathing. I was 19 when I had sex for the "first time", with my boyfriend who was 10 years older than me, which at the time I didnt think anything of. I had prepared myself for it to hurt. As I was one of the last ones of my girlfriends I had heard stories and prepared myself. It was mildly uncomfortable for a second (literally). But mostly numb.

I dont know if anyone can help or give me any clarity/advise on the situation but it would be great! Thanks.

[whichwayisup]

You need to go talk to someone professional about this. It seems you're having flashbacks and memories. Sometimes sexual abuse takes years to remember and come out, so please go talk to therapist.

[amaysngrace]

Wow. I always thought I was molested as a child too but couldn't be sure. A lot of what you say rings true to me. I use to make my Barbie dolls get naked and lay them on one another. I also use to kiss men. In kindergarten the principal had to call my mom to tell her I kiss him hello daily and also a janitor man. I am very sexual as well. Wow.

I think it's hard to recall the events because they're blocked out and they occur at a time when we live in a fairytale world of imagination. But what you say sounds right to me.

Would you want to talk to someone about this, a pro? I know it's hard to recall it all because it's so vague now but would you think it could help you? Maybe I should see someone about it too.

Originally Posted by amaysngrace

Wow. I always thought I was molested as a child too but couldn't be sure. A lot of what you say rings true to me. I use to make my Barbie dolls get naked and lay them on one another. I also use to kiss men. In kindergarten the principal had to call my mom to tell her I kiss him hello daily and also a janitor man. I am very sexual as well. Wow.

I think it's hard to recall the events because they're blocked out and they occur at a time when we live in a fairytale world of imagination. But what you say sounds right to me.

Would you want to talk to someone about this, a pro? I know it's hard to recall it all because it's so vague now but would you think it could help you? Maybe I should see someone about it too.

I TOTALLY BELIEVE U AND IF U EVER NEED SOMEONE TO TALK WITH ABOUT THIS - GIVE ME A DINGLE. I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS - THE AGE WHEN A CHILD MOVES FROM MAGIC TO REALITY IS A CONFUSING STAGE. WE ALL GO THRU IT AND IT IS THE WORSE TIME FOR THINGS LIKE THAT TO HAPPEN. IN MY CASE, I WAS AROUND 13. SO, MY MEMORY IS SOMEWHAT CLOUDY BUT SURE. NEVER DOUBT YOURSELF AND KEEP DOING THE WORK TO GET OVER THIS STUFF - ITS IMPORTANT

[amaysngrace]

Originally Posted by Guest

I TOTALLY BELIEVE U AND IF U EVER NEED SOMEONE TO TALK WITH ABOUT THIS - GIVE ME A DINGLE. I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS - THE AGE WHEN A CHILD MOVES FROM MAGIC TO REALITY IS A CONFUSING STAGE. WE ALL GO THRU IT AND IT IS THE WORSE TIME FOR THINGS LIKE THAT TO HAPPEN. IN MY CASE, I WAS AROUND 13. SO, MY MEMORY IS SOMEWHAT CLOUDY BUT SURE. NEVER DOUBT YOURSELF AND KEEP DOING THE WORK TO GET OVER THIS STUFF - ITS IMPORTANT

Thank you. I don't really think I'd like to talk to anyone about it but I would like to see what the typical effects it has on someone are. To see if I fit the profile, you know? I think it would be interesting. And help me to have a better understanding of myself.

[amaysngrace]

I don't think I was molested. It said that you don't like guys who remind you of your molester on this website I went to. Yet I kissed the old principal and janitor. Unless it happened after I was five.

But it's weird cause they were mostly talking about girls just into puberty. If I was molested it happened way before then. Except for the neighbor boy, my brother's friend.

I fell asleep on my parent's bed cause my dad was away on business and he tried to unzip my jeans. I told my mom and that was the last time he was ever allowed in our house again. But I remember I had already had my first period.

[amaysngrace]

Okay so yep, I'm pretty sure I was. I read more into it and it says a whole lot of things that I can totally relate to. Basically for when it happens to young children. Withdrawn, bedwetting, clinging to loved ones, substance abuse, eating disorders, promiscuity, not getting close to men and the list goes on.

Oh lucky me!

I use to not let my mom leave the house. I would cry and carry on. I even got hit for that once by my dad.

So does anybody think I should see someone about this? Or is it too hard to overcome? It seems like a whole lot of who I am could be a result of being molested at a young age.

[bonehead]

So does anybody think I should see someone about this? Or is it too hard to overcome? It seems like a whole lot of who I am could be a result of being molested at a young age.

By all means YES!!! See someone.

[CardPlay3r]

Definitely see someone...a specialized counselor. It's the main thing for people who were sexually abused as children to have flashbacks like yours...and it only gets worse unless you treat it.

Originally Posted by whichwayisup

You need to go talk to someone professional about this. It seems you're having flashbacks and memories. Sometimes sexual abuse takes years to remember and come out, so please go talk to therapist.

Sorry its taken me so long to follow up with my original post....but over the last month I have been working with a therapist and many positive things have started to come....

More memories have come back, although I still do not remember an abuser. Im 99.9% positive I was sexually molested as a child due to all the above mentioned plus the new memories I have. Plus, what I have never shared before is, when I am having sex, I have ALWAYS had disturbing thoughts regarding it being my dad inside me....

I have almost all the dysfuncional behaviours associated with a child who was sexually abused. Drinking. Im working now on trying to become healthy...and its going to be hard but this is a list I typed tonight when I really wanted a drink.

triGGerS:

- feeling ignored/alone/unloved/abandoned

- low self confidence days 4 me/feeling like i mean nothing am worth nothing

- when i make a mistake

- being around negativity/"victims"

- getting stuck in my past/fear of actually changing 4 the better

when one of my triggers is activated, i react in one of the following ways:

** smoking ciGaReTTeS

* dRinKinG

** sHopPinG

* self destructive/acting neGatiVitY in my head/fear of change & trying/putting myself doWn

** crying

PoSitiVe tHinGs i CaN dO;

* workout [go for a walk, yoga, etc]

** liSteN 2 mUsiK

* wAtcH a mOviE [thaT i alReaDy oWn]

** wRiTe my sCreeNpLay

* dO somethinG niCe/GooD 4 someOne else

**gIve mySelF a PeP TalK/saY poSitiVe thiNGs 2 mYselF

JUST BE HAPPY! YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, TALENTED, INTELLIGENT! ;P



***i will not allow myself to have a drink or shop until i can control myself etc etc***


tHingS i feel cheated over:

not having a reaL DAd during my childhood/feeling abandoned by him and being in daycare 24/7 as a child.

being abused physically/sexually/mentally by various people over my childhood

a lot of anger 4 putting my in those situations....



So I will keep everyone up to date. I just wanted to share. Thanks

Its especially hard for me because I have some many things I do that are self destructive....and if I say no to one....its like I move on to the next item on my self destructive list....until I cave and give into one of them.

And I know its hard....but I can overcome this and I will....I keep telling myself that even though I dont really believe it 100% right now...

Any advice? Thanks so much