I'm going to go into a little more detail about my MW and her relationship with her husband. As I said in the another thread, I honestly feel like I missed the boat 15 years ago when we knew each other in high school. I graduated and went off to college and she stayed behind and graduated 2 years later. During this time she dated her current husband and he went to a local community college. Once she graduated she went to the community college, they were dating this whole time, and then they got married before they transferred to get their 4 year degree. We are from a small town where a lot of people date for 5 years in high school then get married. It's kind of like an expectation. She has been with him since she was 15 years old. He is all she knows. They both graduated college and had their first son. A couple of years later they had another son. My point behind this story is she has never got to live her life.
Let me try to explain the type of person he is. The H is not a bad person, he's just not good enough for her. Am I being a little cocky by saying I'm better than him? Yes I am, but it is the truth. He gets real bad panic attacks when it comes to any kind of change. He can't handle anything that is not the norm. She it the total opposite. She is always looking for a challenge and wanting to better herself. She has dreams she will never realize because of him. The H gets in his comfort zone and he sticks there. He had an opportunity to get a better job a few months ago and started having panic attacks because of the change. Because of the change he did not accept the job. I'm not making fun of him because I know he has a problem. The problem I have is he had the opportunity to better himself and put his family in a better situation, but he couldn't pull the trigger. The other problem I have with him is he constantly puts his family in bad financial situations. This is going to sound sexist to all you ladies out there and I'm sorry, but I feel one of the man's job in the family is to manage the finances. Provide for your family. She had to use money I had given her to buy something nice to keep their kids in daycare. All of this while he LEASES a Jeep that he has sunk thousands of dollars into because it's his hobbie. She is good with money, but he spends it on what he wants. They have thousands of dollars in credit card debt that had to be consolidated through one of those credit counseling things. Now her credit is ruined. She had a part in this, but if he would have been a man then he could have avoided a lot of this. There is a reason I'm telling you all of this and I know it is turning into a book.
With them being together for so long the families have grown very close. She is close to his parents and he is close to her parents. Their parents gave them money to live while they were married in college. Nevermind he could have got a dang job and supported his wife. Their 2 boys are the cutest little things I have ever been around. One time before the A, they came to my little girls birthday party. Their youngest boy hung around with me all day long and cried when his daddy took him away from me to go home. I could love those kids like they were my own.
I'll give you a little background about myself. I own a very successful manufacturing company that I started from nothing. I'm in the process of starting another business. I put my wife and myself through college. I've never been late on a single payment in my life. My kids are very well behaved, not saying this because they are my kids, and they love their daddy very much. I feel like I'm a good father. I'm always looking to better myself through new adventures. I love her more than anyone could ever love a person. I know what she likes and how to make her happy. I've tooted my horn long enough. Basically, I'm the total opposite of him.
Now for the reason I'm telling you all of this. I know this to be the truth because I know her and I know him. The only reason she decided to go back to him and give him a chance was because she was worried about him and what he might do. She was worried about his panic attacks and if he was going to be able to function without her. She was worried he wouldn't be able to take care of their kids. She was worried about the fall out between her and her parents. She told him she was not in love with him any more, and he immediately threatened her with everything I mentioned above. This was before he knew about me. It scared her to death. There are so many unknowns and people that would be hurt. She is scared to leave.
If you guys and gals are still awake after all of that, here is where I need your help. Given all the background I just gave you I need you to help me come up with the words to say to her. I'm meeting her either tomorrow or Thursday to lay it on the line "oyster" style. I'm not the best person at putting my feelings into words. My plan is to take her to a house that I might buy. The house is big enough for ALL of us. Every kid would have their own room, and we would even have room for her parents to stay downstairs. With or without her, I plan on buying this house. Her dream is to own her own clothing boutique. I want to help her realize her dreams. I want to show her I can provide for her and make her dreams come true. Of course she knows all of this, but I want to show her what she is giving up. I don't want this to sound like I'm trying to buy her because that's not what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to show her she will never have to worry about anything ever again. I need your suggestions on what to say to her when we meet. How do I make her realize everything is going to be alright? How do I make her realize he is going to make it and her family will not hate her? How do I make her realize I want to make HER dreams come true? How do I make her realize that I will love her like she has never been loved for the rest of her life?
One last thing, I'm going to give her 3 months to give him the chance she feels like she needs to give him. After 3 months, if she hasn't left I'm moving on with my life. Given my situation and the complications, I feel like I can give her 3 months.
Last edited by MuffinMan; 19th December 2006 at 11:15 PM..
Reason: Added text
I don't think you're trying to buy her, but honestly, I'm kind of turned off by your approach. True, her H is in desperate need of Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover, but I don't think she's going to make a decision on whether or not to be with you based on your wealth (and if she does, she isn't worth having). I know you're not trying to flaunt this new home you plan to bring her to, but irregardless of your feelings, that's exactly what you are doing.
Does that mean it's a bad approach? Maybe not. My point is that if she knows you well enough, she's probably already made a decision on whether or not she wants to be with you. And that decision likely stems from the more intrinsic qualities that you have provided her that her H clearly could not.
I don't think you're trying to buy her, but honestly, I'm kind of turned off by your approach. True, her H is in desperate need of Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover, but I don't think she's going to make a decision on whether or not to be with you based on your wealth (and if she does, she isn't worth having). I know you're not trying to flaunt this new home you plan to bring her to, but irregardless of your feelings, that's exactly what you are doing.
Does that mean it's a bad approach? Maybe not. My point is that if she knows you well enough, she's probably already made a decision on whether or not she wants to be with you. And that decision likely stems from the more intrinsic qualities that you have provided her that her H clearly could not.
Good luck, brother.
I guess what I'm trying to do is show her I'm thinking about us being a family. Maybe I don't need to take her to the house. I don't want to screw this up because it is a very delicate situation. I know she loves me, but feels like she can't leave because of the reasons I mentioned above. Thanks for the advice.
Showing her your resume and telling her how bad he is and how much she could have is not the way to win her over.
They will always be his kids.
She wants to work on her marriage. Let her. You will cause her great heartache by pressuring her and showing her the life she could have had. I say could have because she chose to marry her husband the father of her kids.
I also think you are WAY too involved in this poor mans business and this woman is WAY overstepping the bounds with not only the cheating but by the total details of her relationship that she gives you. Imagine if someone did this to you. Some man with a bigger wallet and bigger dream.
Let it go.
Showing her your resume and telling her how bad he is and how much she could have is not the way to win her over.
They will always be his kids.
She wants to work on her marriage. Let her. You will cause her great heartache by pressuring her and showing her the life should could have had. I say could have because she chose to marry her husband the father of her kids.
I also think you are WAY too involved in this poor mans business and this woman is WAY overstepping the bounds with not only the cheating by the total details of her relationship that she gives you. Imagine if someone did this to you. Some man with a bigger wallet and bigger dream.
Let it go.
I'm in no way trying to rub his nose in it or make him look like a fool. That's why I'm asking for advice on what to say to her. I gave everyone the details so I could get some suggestions. I never thought about telling her all of that stuff. I'm not that stupid. I understand they will always be his kids, just like my kids will always be my soon to be ex-wife's kids. She is very stressed out about the financial things. I'm not wealthy, but know how to manage my money. Hell, I think he makes just as much money as I do. this isn't about money, it's about 2 people that are in love but one of them is trapped in her current situtaion.
Last edited by MuffinMan; 19th December 2006 at 11:43 PM..
Reason: Added text
I don't think you can untrap her.
Honestly I think you can just make her feel more trapped and more heartbroken. Honestly I'm not being mean but if she feels trapped imagine how she'll feel when you show her a beautiful home and what she can have. How will that untrap her? Won't that break her heart for what she can't have?
I think you need to go the family route not what you can offer. Her inlaws will always be her childrens grandparents. They will always be in her life. She can break this off lovingly as long as you are not seen in the picture and everyone wins. The husband will find a woman who loves him. Explain that to her. He deserves more and will find it and he will survive and his family will always be a part of her life through the kids.
You showing her what she could have will hurt so much more and put so much pressure on her. Honest.
I don't think you can untrap her.
Honestly I think you can just make her feel more rapped and more heartbroken. Honestly I'm not being mean but if she feels trapped imagine how she'll feel when you show her a beautiful home and what she can have. How will that untrap her? Won't that break her heart for what she can't have?
I think you need to go the family route not what you can offer. Her inlaws will always be her childrens grandparents. They will always be in her life. She can break this off lovingly as long as you are not seen in the picture and everyone wins. The husband will find a woman who loves him. Explain that to her. He deserves more and will find it and he will survive and his family will always be a part of her life through the kids.
You showing her what she could have will hurt so much more and put so much pressure on her. Honest.
Thank You!! That is exactly why I joined this forum. I agree that it is best that I don't take her to the house.
Let me try to explain the type of person he is. The H is not a bad person, he's just not good enough for her.
why are you focusing on the H?. I myself don't even want to know what his first name is, don't even want to see his picture. Not interested in him. I am interested in the MW. So should you.
Don't worry, once the husband finds out about you, he should be interested in you as much as you are into him. This is so hum...gay.
focus on the MW.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MuffinMan
I'll give you a little background about myself. I own a very successful manufacturing company that I started from nothing. I'm in the process of starting another business........Basically, I'm the total opposite of him.
ok, unless she is a gold digger which I doubt because she would had left him long time ago, having more money or success is not relevant in her mind.
Having enough money to go by is what she needs financially.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MuffinMan
The only reason she decided to go back to him and give him a chance was because she was worried about him and what he might do. She was worried about his panic attacks and if he was going to be able to function without her. She was worried he wouldn't be able to take care of their kids. ..... There are so many unknowns and people that would be hurt. She is scared to leave.
this my friend is typical reaction of a married person having an affair, I know you read the forum but a reminder if you haven't cross these topics.
The affair made her realize a few things and gave her strengh to go back into her marriage....as other say...hum..."confortable in their misery".
Quote:
Originally Posted by MuffinMan
I'm meeting her either tomorrow or Thursday to lay it on the line "oyster" style. I'm not the best person at putting my feelings into words.
Thanks for the recognition!
Quote:
Originally Posted by MuffinMan
My plan is to take her to a house that I might buy. The house is big enough for ALL of us......
With or without her, I plan on buying this house.
This is a tad too early, she is still married, remember that. Until she divorce, then show her.
If she calls you while you are looking at house and wants to join that is ok. But don't purposely dangle a carrot at her.
oh, I did the same too. Before we dated, I was looking a houses, I could had waited for her to divorce but too long and uncertain. I bought my house by myself too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MuffinMan
I want to show her I can provide for her and make her dreams come true. Of course she knows all of this, but I want to show her what she is giving up.
keep this in mind, there is ALWAYS another dude with more assets, more cash flow than you so unless your wallet is bigger than your ego, then competing on materialistic dream is a lost war.
Beside you are not focusing on her primary needs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MuffinMan
One last thing, I'm going to give her 3 months to give him the chance she feels like she needs to give him. After 3 months, if she hasn't left I'm moving on with my life. Given my situation and the complications, I feel like I can give her 3 months.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Linear Mode
