[Star Gazer]

Over the past couple years, I have seen a therapist off-and-on to deal with some relationship and other personal concerns I've repeatedly encountered. During the course of my sessions, I came to an understanding regarding how having a completely absent father (from the get go) and overcompensating mother has affected me and how I behave in relationships...

...but all I really got to learn about was basically parental absenteeism and how it affects children of single-parents. So, I'm curious, is there a "pattern" that children of divorce tend to fall into as well?

TIA.

[Art_Critic]

Sometimes this pattern can show up in other areas other than dating..
Being a workaholic or even over compensating for something that was missing.

If I remember you are a talented successful Lawyer..Think of this .. If your father was present would you have had the drive to become what you are today ?.

We are all a product of our environments.. I am one that sometimes thinks we shouldn't always look at our past in a negative light.. sometimes we need to put a positive spin on it.

I come from a fatherless childhood till I was a teen.. I have extreme drive today because of that.. Sometimes I'm still trying to prove to my father how good I am even though he passed away 20 years ago..But I look at that as a good thing not a bad thing.

[Mr. Lucky]

Originally Posted by Art_Critic

We are all a product of our environments.. I am one that sometimes thinks we shouldn't always look at our past in a negative light.. sometimes we need to put a positive spin on it.

Good way to put it. From a parental perspective, it's also interesting to look at. I divorced my oldest son's mom when he was 4 years old. Even though I was a very involved divorced Dad, I'm sure it was traumatic for him. At yet, at 27 years old, he has sailed through life, honor student in college, good job now, very stable. Contrast that with my middle child from second (happy) marriage, intact family all his life, stay-at-home Mom for most his childhood, completely opposite result. Trouble (and in trouble) in school, problems socially, just been a struggle.

You can argue Nature vs. Nurture all day but the answer is, you can never tell how it's going to turn out. Some kids can overcome anything; some can't take advantage, even though they are given everything.

I hope you work through your issues.

Mr. Lucky

[cait7484]

Originally Posted by Star Gazer

Over the past couple years, I have seen a therapist off-and-on to deal with some relationship and other personal concerns I've repeatedly encountered. During the course of my sessions, I came to an understanding regarding how having a completely absent father (from the get go) and overcompensating mother has affected me and how I behave in relationships...

...but all I really got to learn about was basically parental absenteeism and how it affects children of single-parents. So, I'm curious, is there a "pattern" that children of divorce tend to fall into as well?

TIA.

Hey there. I'm not an expert but I did a Thesis in college on this topic. Children of divorce often have issues in future relationships. There is a greater chance of divorce. There are often attchment issues that they go through. There are other issues that don't have to do with realtionships. I'm sure there are articles you can find about the topic of children of divorce. Good luck with everything!

[ash519]

Well- There is me, 24 y/o female, and my 2 older brothers. We are all screwed up in our own ways due to our parents divorce, but I must say, I am the most normal of the three of us and everybody notices it!

My parents divorced when i was 4. My father was having an affair with the next door neighbor who happend to be my mothers friend. After that my Mother was single until i was about 12 and then started dating, first guy she fell in love with was cheating too!

Anyways: Oldest brother: sleeps around to no end, makes excuses for it and likes to lie about his feelings. Also, overcompinsates and tries way to hard to make people like him...he is already a likable guy (if you are not romantically interested in him). Pretty much, takes after my father.

Middle brother: Craves male attention. My Dad sucked when it came to him and now he is who he is. Depressed a lot, very addictive personality...mostly smoking, gambling and at one point pills but not anymore. I am very sad for him. For both of them to be honest with you. He is at least in a semi normal relationship with a semi normal girl.

Me: my issue...SURPIRSE!!! Insecurity. I have been with my bf for 20 months now and i have such a hard time completely trusting him. I love him so much but I am constantly scared he'll leave me for someone better and that I am not enough for him, although he tells me all the time how much he loves me.

So, do divorces and parents effect there kids, i would say so.

[nicki]

Studies have shown that it is the CONFLICT in the bad marriage prior to the divorce that is damaging, not the divorce in and of itself.

I came from a divorced family. My ex husband came from an "intact" family. We ended up divorcing. He had an extremely dysfuctional way of looking at marriage due to his upbringing.

On the other hand, I also experienced dysfuction growing up. But, because of the divorce, I analyzed what went wrong in my parents marriage and drew up a better model.

I knew what would make a good marriage when I got married. (I still think the same things do.)

Of course, you need two equal partners to make a good marriage, which was something I didn't have. My ex was a bad partner who was controlling, as was his father.

I learned something from the demise of my own marriage, though. I think divorce can be put in perspective for the children, and made into a positive.

My children understand the importance of making a good choice in mates, and that their dad and I, while we loved each other, were incompatible.