My gf and I started off with a bang, and then recently, before she went home for winter break, she became distant. We've been going out for a few months now.
1. She says she is distant and has lost her desire for sex lately (went from twice a day to nothing at all for five days before she left) because all she can think about is going home, as she's been looking forward to it for a while now. She's not satisfied with the fun-factor at college. She's been partying/drinking/doing drugs in her home country since like 12. She comes from a wealthy family and she's been a lot of time in the bar scene. Total party girl.
2. She has said she does not need to love/have feelings for a person before having sex with them. I do, on the other hand.
3. I sent her off last Friday (she returned home), and I haven't heard a peep from her since.
4. She told an ex-bf once she'd be willing to have a threesome. While I don't want one, I asked out of principle, "If I wanted one would you be willing?" and she said "No -- I don't want to share you. I only said yes to him because I didn't care about him." This seems contradictory to me somehow.
5. Sometimes when she's upset she tells me it's either because she's bored with campus or just wants to return to her home country and smoke all day.
6. She insists she loves me despite these things.
My question is, am I even important to her? What actually makes me a valued boyfriend? She says she loves me but then I get faced with distance and the like. And just because we've had sex, it doesn't mean she cares about me either. Also, I am jealous that she'd be willing to indulge in another guy's fantasies, but if I had the same fantasy, she'd be unwilling?
How do I know where I stand here? Am I overreacting and being paranoid/needy? Should I just calm down or is there something I should be upset about?
1. She says she is distant and has lost her desire for sex lately (went from twice a day to nothing at all for five days before she left) because all she can think about is going home, as she's been looking forward to it for a while now. She's not satisfied with the fun-factor at college. She's been partying/drinking/doing drugs in her home country since like 12. She comes from a wealthy family and she's been a lot of time in the bar scene. Total party girl.
Sexual desire ebbs and flows. See what a seperation does. As to the partying thing... does this work with YOU?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vertex
2. She has said she does not need to love/have feelings for a person before having sex with them. I do, on the other hand.
You have no control over this. And from what you've posted about your new gf here, it doesn't sound like love, more like infatuation still.
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Originally Posted by Vertex
3. I sent her off last Friday (she returned home), and I haven't heard a peep from her since.
Have you called her?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vertex
4. She told an ex-bf once she'd be willing to have a threesome. While I don't want one, I asked out of principle, "If I wanted one would you be willing?" and she said "No -- I don't want to share you. I only said yes to him because I didn't care about him." This seems contradictory to me somehow.
This is the biggest plus she seems to have, nor does it seem contradictory. My ex and I used to pillow talk about a threesome, but I had this same feeling- I didn't want to share him because I really loved him. Threesomes were easier to imagine with people I had no emotional connection to.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vertex
5. Sometimes when she's upset she tells me it's either because she's bored with campus or just wants to return to her home country and smoke all day.
IME, people who talk like this at college either left eventually, or continued to b*tch annoyingly about it until the day they graduated.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vertex
6. She insists she loves me despite these things.
My question is, am I even important to her? What actually makes me a valued boyfriend? She says she loves me but then I get faced with distance and the like. And just because we've had sex, it doesn't mean she cares about me either. Also, I am jealous that she'd be willing to indulge in another guy's fantasies, but if I had the same fantasy, she'd be unwilling?
How do I know where I stand here? Am I overreacting and being paranoid/needy? Should I just calm down or is there something I should be upset about?
This seems kinda all over the place- and you seem to be freakin about it quite a bit. This girl doesn't sound happy to me at all, and quite frankly from these things I wonder is you are more convinient and comforting than loved. I don't think you should be worrying about her views on sex, but her actions seem kinda suspect. Why hasn't she given you a call in the past week? Seems like she'd at least want to talk to you once or twice.
What do you want, Vertex? For this girl to be madly in love with you? Or to know if this is going anywhere? For her to change her ways?
__________________ Nobody wants to be monogamous- but they want their partners to be.
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I think she told you what's on her mind...it's going home. She's most likely just preoccupied and she's thinking of home. The people, the places etc. Is she a freshman? Then she's wondering how other's will perceive her, seeing how so much change has occurred between starting school and now.
I understand her saying she doesn't want to share you. It's because you mean a lot to her and well, she doesn't want to share you.
BTW, I've heard from a male friend that threesomes are overrated. It's hard work keeping two women satisfied. I think just sharing intimacy with her is probably better, from what I've heard.
Yeah, I think you're making too much of her disposition lately. She's been anxious lately and it's rubbed off on you. She says she loves you. Try and keep that as your main focus.
I've had threesomes before. I would never have a threesome with someone that I was involved with. That makes things messy and complicated. One should always pick 3 uninvolved parties if you're planning a threesome.
Also agree with NJ. Don't obsess over her, just focus on you.
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Her phone doesn't work -- she didn't pay the bill so it's been shut off for the moment. But I know she has a computer at home, but she hasn't replied to my Email or taken three seconds to leave a message on Facebook.
The threesome thing is just a point... I don't want a threesome, but it's something a lot of guys want. Doesn't it seem strange that something of higher pleasure is granted to those without emotional connection? Maybe I'm missing the point.
I'm fine with her party style -- hell, if I could join her I'd go party with her. I just worry that she doesn't actually love me. If she truly loved me, wouldn't she want to leave a message or make some sort of contact? Especially this early into the relationship? I mean, it is entirely possible that I am just overreacting. I tend to do this when I have too much time to think.
Madly in love? Of course I'd want that... I am fine with her lifestyle, even her drug use, as long as she does it in moderation and doesn't sleep/get too fresh with anyone else. She assured me she doesn't cheat though, but of course I have a hard time trusting because every time I've been told this in the past, they end up being lying cheaters.
Coupled with her distance, lack of contact, and so forth, I just don't know how much she's actually willing to pursue something serious (which is something we both agreed upon... we agreed to try to make this actually last). Perhaps I'm just freaking out. I need some reassurance that she actually does care, even if, for example, sex is not an indicator of such.
Ask yourself if the things she says/does with you are things you think indicate love, or if you yourself would say/do those things to someone you love.
There are no real indicators of love outside our own perceptions of it.
IME when you feel that echoing emptiness when you search inside yourself for that bond to your partner, there's a reason for it.
But this could all be just freaking you out.
Also, as a former party girl I would tend to say that it's hard for party girls to form emotional bonds with people. That is, until they stop partying long enough to realize how empty partying and drug use is.
blind otter, if you can relate in the way you say, what is your take on what she feels for me? Am I at a disadvantage since she's a party girl (who is probably partying at we speak)? What would she be running away from?
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