[inthegroove]

Interesting to see that there is a whole subforum here devoted to this topic - makes me realize that I'm not alone in this issue that I am trying to deal with.

I am a 35 year old guy who has been in a relatively new relationship with a wonderful woman for a couple of months now. She is amazing and I am completely in love with her. We're trying not to get ahead of ourselves and go too quickly, but at the same time it seems we're both feeling like this could be the one that goes the distance.

I kind of feel like we are at that point where we're transitioning between the 'honeymoon' phase, and settling into more 'normal', day to day life together. Of course we are getting to know each other more all the time, and maybe being on our best behaviour slightly less, kind of being our more natural, imperfect selves.

For me, I feel like my biggest flaw is my insecurity. She has a lot of other guys in her life - just as friends. She seems to have a lot more friends who are guys than girls, in fact. She says that guys are just easier to get along with. So, a couple of days ago she went out for lunch and beers with a guy, and that bugs me. We actually just had our first argument last night - it wasn't because she went out with him - I was trying to be cool about that, being outwardly positive and encouraging, and keeping my negative feelings about it to myself - the argument was because she told me that she had told her friend (the guy) about the fact that it bugged me that she was out with him. I was (still am, actually) upset about it because while I've been open with her about my feelings of insecurity, I feel like that's private. It is something I am embarassed about, and not particularly proud of. Now the person who I feel threatened by knows that I feel threatened by him. This has happened twice now - she has told 2 of her male friends that I am uncomfortable with the fact that they are friends. She said that the way it was framed in their conversation was that I was sweet and protective or something, but I don't understand it, and she can't articulate it in a way that makes sense to me - I mean I don't understand how what she said to them about me feeling threatened and insecure could actually be presented or framed as a good thing.

This is all really confusing for me, because I am generally a confident, easy-going person, and I totally trust her. I honestly don't think that anything is going to happen with these guys, so I don't know why I have a problem with her hanging out with them.

I am hesitant to talk to her too much about this problem because I don't want it to become a major issue between us, and I want to be strong for her. I want to be the best possible guy I can for her, and that means not being insecure and needy. At the same time, I am really sensitive, and the fact is that I have these feelings.

So I ask myself (and here, I guess I'm asking you): is it normal to be bugged by these things? Would other guys be ok with their girlfriends going out with other guys (platonically)? Would other guys be upset if their girlfriends told their male friends that their boyfriend is insecure and threatened by them? Do I have a right to be upset by this? If so, what can I do about it?

And most importantly: How can I deal with and get rid of these irrational feelings of insecurity?

Thanks for reading, and thanks for any words of wisdom you might have!