It is three months into the divorce process between my husband and I. We haven't had any "deep" conversations for a week. I was finally like, "Cool. STBXH is accepting this and is becoming a better father and a more mature adult. He is handling dealing with me in a better manner and we are just be civil and getting along. Yay".
Well, he had told me yesterday he'd call at night (can't remember why; I think we were discussing fax a copy of the gas bill that our former landlord should have to pay because we haven't lived in the house in months). Anyway, he called while I was out picking up my sister from work and I saw that he called, so I returned his call.
We talked about normal things, but as things progressed, he told me he was feeling depressed. I expressed concern for him. He said he felt overwhelmed by life and all that would be coming up in the future. He wants to go to college and get his own apartment, etc. Then it started to get a little more involved.
Other things started coming up...things he's changed. For example, I had told him that I didn't like him just leaving abruptly and sending me home crying, so he stopped doing that. In our marriage, he completely refused counseling or to even talk about our problems. He said that if we acted like nothing was wrong, soon they wouldn't be. Well, now we have long conversations about what went wrong in the relationship and how we each felt. Since filing, he has really opened up to me, the way he used to before we started having problems (after the baby was born).
My STBXH has asked for me back 3 times since I filed...but in each ease, he's not willing to make any sacrifices or any big changes. I have let him know that I would be willing to take steps to reconcile with him if I had these things:
1) he must NEVER EVER speak to the girl he cheated on me with, whom he currently lives with...he won't even admit he cheated. He says that they got together 1 1/2 months after I filed. He's told me that she has told him that she loves him. I asked him if he loved her and he said, "Yeah. Sort of. I love you too. I care about her and she is genuinely a good person and a good friend". They have had sex (which he explicitly told me about) and they dated. Now, according to what he says, they are NOT dating anymore...but they are still living together in her trailer.
2) if we are to reconcile, we must go to marriage counseling and continue with the communication we've been doing. We must realize that nothing is going to come quick and we are not immediately going to understand each other's point of view just like that.
3) We must focus on our marriage together...no one else should be allowed to input and our time should be spent TOGETHER.
These were the three major changes I wanted. I told him on every occasion that he wanted me back that this is what is necessary for me to consider taking him back.
Well, I met him last night. I suggested that we go to a restaurant so that we wouldn't have any more cases of 'accidental intimacy'. Well, I had just eaten...and then he claimed he wasn't hungry and we just parked. The first thing he did when I got in the car was kiss me. He just kept coming on to me and telling me all the things I wanted to hear: "I love you. I need you. I miss you. I want you". I kept pushing him away gently, saying that I didn't want to just rush into the physical intimacy (again) before we dealt with emotional intimacy.
My STBXH is very persuasive and managed to talk me into giving him 'a little something' so that he wouldn't be so pent up and he would have a clear head to talk to me.
Well...we talked for hours afterward...but eventually, we arrived to the end of the line: sink or swim, now or never. He picked HER over me. He says he didn't, but he refused to stop seeing her or talking to her. I mean, hell, he isn't even willing to say he'll move out of her place in X amount of time, even though he has plenty of places he could stay until he got an apartment.
He said: "I truly understand why you feel that way, but I'm not willing to give up the people who have been with me through these really dark times. She is a genuinely good person. I won't give up the people who have been there for me and been a good friend to me."
I asked him how he would feel if the situation were reversed. How about if /I/ was the one who moved in with some guy 2 days after the papers were filed...then spent all my time with him, in addition to living with him...then we had sex and I let my STBXH know the explicit details...then started dating him...introducing him to family members...then break up...and then I go back to STBXH, but refuse to dissolve my "friendship" with this guy that I live with, had sex with, and who has proclaimed his love to me. That guy would be circling like a vulture around H and mine relationship. At the first sign of a fight or disagreement, OM would be right there waiting to swoop in, just biding his time until something went wrong with H and I.
Well, STBXH again said he understood how I felt, but refused to give up OW because "she's a genuine friend. You should believe me that if I say it's never going to be anything more again, then that's the case". Still, at the mention of the mere /possibility/ of me going out on a date or anything, STBXH gets jealous (and he admits he does)...just over the /possibility/.
And yet, STBXH refuses to give her up...but still tells me how much he loves me, how much he wants our marriage and how much he wants us to work.
I ask for ilmw because of this: as a guy who has made many position chances and wants his wife to see that these are REAL changes and not just an act...do you see any changes in my STBXH that I may be overlooking?
He keeps mentioning changes, but the only one he can mention is "trying not to hurt me"...which he has done A LOT of, whether intentioned that way or not. He posted a pic of him, OW, and OW's child on his Myspace page. He claims he will take it down, but it's been up for over a week now. I had told him that it had made me literally sick---vomiting in the parking lot of Home Depot and having a panic attack and crying and vomiting and shaking at the same time and not being able to breath. Basically, I had a complete meltdown just from glancing at that pic. It was like being suckerpunched.
He says that we communicate more now. Yes, that's true. That is a change...but it feels like we talk in circles. We understand each other and sympathize...and then we don't the next day. One step forward, two steps back.
I told him today that I am not asking him to reconcile and choose me over her--just make a CHOICE... that if he can't make these changes that are NECESSARY TO ME to heal our marriage...then there's no point in trying to take steps in that direction. We know where we stand. For him to be my husband, he cannot have her in his life. I know what I can handle, and I know damn well that I would never be remotely okay with him being close friends with a woman who slept with him, said horrible things about me and my family and my marriage, and who is waiting for things to go wrong in our marriage.
The OW woman thing is the biggest point of discontention. I could say 'Maybe we will work things out on our own and not go to marriage counseling', but he absolutely won't budge on this OW and I won't either. To me, it's either his "friendship" with her or his marriage with me and he refuses to give up his "friendship, and that is absolutely vital and imperative to me in order to get back together.
And the thing that is bugging me is that he knew before he met up with me last night that we were meeting to talk about reconciling, and that I wouldn't reconcile with him unless he committed 100% to our marriage and our family and that he would NEVER see HER or talk to her again...
I should note that he is still denying cheating with her and that there are phone records and other 'circumstancial evidence', not to mention that he moved in with her 2 days after I filed, wouldn't stay home, and had met her three months before I ever heard her name uttered. He kept her a secret and she was fine with being his "friend" in secret. I mean, come on, right?
I feel like he deliberately mislead me so that he could have the physical intimacy again. He knew before he kissed me and had me use my multi-talented mouth on him, knowing that he had no plans to stop seeing her and being "friends" with her. Her offer to him of "friends with benefits" is still on the table (he told me this). How in the hell could he expect me to be okay with him having a relationship with a woman that is offering him 'no strings attached, friends with benefits' sex?
He knew my conditions, and yet he talked of reconciliation and changes...
Anyway, thanks to anyone who read this novel. It was good to write that all down. I could blog it, but STBXH can see when I've blogged something and set it to 'friends only' and he gets pissy and wants to know what I'm writing about.
Antha
__________________
"I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees" -- Emiliano Zapata
I see a guy here who wants his cake and eat it too...
You are asking for something... that it seems like he does not want to give you...
From all my reading... and stuff I have learned on LS.... he will not change anything aslong as he is getting it with you and the other woman...
He wins either way... and if you are still giving him (stuff) you are not helping your case...
I do not think he has changed a thing.. as he is not doing anything different..... as I have learned... words mean nothing... it is actions.... and he appears to be doing nothing positive in respect to reconcilation with you.... or your relationship..
I know that I wan't to reconcile with my DW.... It is my dream.. my goal... my deepist desire... (Do you see a difference there)
My motivation initially was to "win" back my wife... but it soon became apparent... that the changes were for me... I realised that I truely was not happy....with myself.... (that was another nail in the coffin)
I recognised this stuff... it was hard to admit that I "had issues".. that I was not "all together"... that I was not "always right"
My changes have been hard fought for.... and I am damn proud of them... . BUT, I recognised I needed to change for me...
I do not see your H... at the present time... seeing the need to change... why would he.... No motivation.... all his needs being met... by 2 woman...
(he sounds kinda greedy.... )
Antha... you sound like a smart lady.... ... do you not see that you can answer a lot of what you are asking by yourself...
I learned a lot from reading others posts... what they are going through.... and what they have put up with... and I know you have too..
What should you do... I'll be honest... I have no clue... Are situations are different.... (well as far as I know they are different... meaning no other man)
I know other folks will post who have gone through what you are....so stay strong...k
Thanks for replying so quick, ilmw. I know you are right. I think I just wanted someone else to confirm that, especially since in your situation, you are doing what I /wish/ my STBXH would do--see the light. Not just about our relationship, but be honest with himself and his flaws and want to improve himself just to be a better person, a happier, healthier person. I feel like I overanalyze his actions and behavior to such an extent so that I can "find" the changes he's made and make him out to be a better person than he truly is.
I keep thinking when I read your posts 'His W is so lucky...if only she could be open enough to believe him'. So many people in RL and online will say how they regret this and that...but then do it again, and somehow they are again the victim and never really take the full weight of what betrayal REALLY means. Some relationships just aren't meant to be forever...but betrayal is like being gang-raped and then the person saying "I'm sorry you took it that way" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" and therefore equating you to an overemotional whiner, rather than a justified victim.
H keeps going on about how he's "accepted his share of the blame" and that I will continue to repeat these patterns in the future because I do not recognize my own blame. I have been reading, reading, and then reading some more. I have been trying to be as coldly honest with myself as possible...and I still cannot remember these instances where it was 'all about me' or where I was emotionally neglectful of him. I am like the uber cuddler. I'd bounce up and down like a puppy when he got home and greet him at the door as though he just came back from the war...I've always been so affectionate, so loving, so sympathetic and open.
I have recognized some major flaws of mine: I tend to whine, I am overly sensitive at times (NEVER tell your wife she looks fat--NO MATTER WHAT ), I tend to focus on the negative rather than the positive, I can be too affectionate to some people. I am working on the whining and trying to focus on the positive and be grateful for what I have and what I am accomplishing (I just finished my training and I got a job as an Administrative Assistant when without this training, I was only qualified to work at Burger King for $6.50 an hour). I still have A LOT of work to do on myself and part of that has been wracking my brain, trying to see events and my actions the way he does...and yet I cannot see what I could have done that could warrant such a betrayal...and betrayal that is still going on even now.
....thx...if this keeps up my ego... will inflate to unknown limits..
I'm sick today...had to call in sick...( laying on my comfy sofa... watching old elvis movies...( ).. but love all that old stuff...
Anyway.. ...thats why I could respond so fast..
Its good to see you recognise some things about yourself.. you would like to change... trust me on this.... nothing is impossible if you truly want it... and have the determination to do it....
I am a living testimant to this... everything I have ever wanted... I have had to work my arse of to get... it took me years to get some of them... but I never gave up.... and I eventually got it... (nothing worth having to me ... ever came easy.. )
Be smart.. be consistant... and be true to yourself...
I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you are hurting and that you know it will get better. I am lost to and I am finding my light. I am seeing that there is hope yet. you can read my post about what I am going through and I will say this to you. HE IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE. as the saying goes HE CAN but HE DONT WANT TO. he thinks that he can have his cake and eat it to. and you mention that he would be jelous if you were seeing someone. get out there girl. what is stopping you.
you dont have to get into another relationship but see other people and stop being convient for him. my doc says and I hate to be so frank but doc says if he had to sugar coat everthing that he would not have been in the bussiness he has been in for 30 years he says get you titty out of his mouth and letting him suck cause if he has it at the snap of the finger and what he has on the side then he will never change. refuse his calls after you say to him that it is either this or nothing and then if he says I wont do that then say there is nothing more to talk about.
refuse his calls and refuse his dates and then he will see what he has to do in order to make it work. the old saying if you love something set it free and if it is ment then it will come back. I hope and pray that it works for you and that you find peace but hang in there we will be ok and we will become stronger because of it. doc says it is a learning experience. the key word is you have to LEARN from it. see ya
Its good to see you recognise some things about yourself.. you would like to change... trust me on this.... nothing is impossible if you truly want it... and have the determination to do it....
I am a living testimant to this... everything I have ever wanted... I have had to work my arse of to get... it took me years to get some of them... but I never gave up.... and I eventually got it... (nothing worth having to me ... ever came easy.. )
When you look back ilmw ... would you have it any other way ?
Thats how I look at it these days. Its tough but its what is making you, YOU !
Antha I'd like to post but I guess I dont want to intrude.
Feel free to intrude.. Antha is looking for feed back.. not just mine..
Hahaha ... looks like you standing right next to the post button !
Sorry to hear you sick buddy. Hope you get over it soon.
Us common folk need protection out on them mean streets ! haha
Antha I'm just heading off to work, will use that time to have a think about what I am going to write.
I'll be upfront and say I come from that field your husband from the sounds of it, is still in.
Nice job in setting boundaries, Antha. Atta-girl!
It couldn't have been easy for you, but you stood up for yourself and refused to accept less than your worth.
I'm thinking 'Marriagebuilders Plan B' complete with PBL (Plan B Letter), but you'll be the better judge of timing, I'm sure. Your 'Plan A' seems to have just kicked into high gear regarding communications, but on the other hand... the best time to withdraw ENs and create a vacuum is just before 'Plan A' gets stale.
This could be an optimal time to make a statement out of those new boundaries.
First off I would like to say, Anna I really feel you know the answers but you might still be afraid of the outcome and afraid to let go.
That is awsome on the new job, that is the types of things you need to focus on; why? because those are the type of things that will make you feel happy/good about yourself, what your H is doing won't help you at all at this time. It is amazing what happens to a person once they start realizing they aren't such a bad person and that when you do something good for yourself it does feel good.
In my case I thought I was the only person that mattered and I would walk over people without even knowing it and I especially did that with the wife and I feel that is what your W is doing, he doesn't care if he is hurting you as long as he gets what he wants and at this time he hasn't hit rock bottom in order to notice this about himself.
If you have to give him a "little something" just so he can think well you gave him the cake that he was looking for and that's it.
Next time if you need to meet, please do it someplace public. Even if you have to just get coffee or a sunday at the Dairy Queen anything. Don't let him put you in that position because it is to much of a temptation to give in at this time.
I totally agree with what ilwm posted, good post by the way ilwm.
(another blow to the ego)
If he really wanted to change he would be more then welling to go to counsoling.
Why does he blame you for things you are doing wrong because that way you will look at yourself as the bad person and not look at him and he doesn't want to take the responsibilty that it takes to blame yourself.
If someone is really wanting to change they would be doing something about it. Has he told you of any books he has been reading, or any web sites that he has been looking at or shown you printouts of stuff he has gathered from the Internet???? You don't know how hard it is to keep from wanting to show it all the the W and say, see what I have learned. Hopefully someday she will see it in my actions and that will get her attention not just talking about it.
Come look at my house, I have a folder of material I have downloaded off the Interenet, I have books that I have read, books that I'm going to read and I "HATE" reading. Some of the books I have even read twice just to make sure I didn't miss anything the first time. (Gunny made me do that one. ) Ask Gunny how many books he has read, ask ilmw or any of the other people here that really "want" to change themselves!!
I guess what I'm trying to say is if he was really working on things, I don't think sex would be the first thing he would have needed (at least I don't need that right now) when you talk you would be able to hear in his voice and the words he uses if he has been working at changing, the way he walks the way he presents himself should all be signs of him changing not his words.
It will come down to what you want or need and none of us can tell you what to do but hopefully once you start seeing who you are it will become clear what you really want.....
I stubled across your thread as I was headed out the door for work ~ so? I printed it off and took it with me.
There I was having the ususal stuff of the way, gotten my game plan ~ planned, on top of everything, settling back in my deluxe excuative easy chair, snacking away on a banana. Got to reading your thread ~ and damn near choked to death on a damn banana!
First off this clown isn't going to change, simply because he doesn't have any impitus nor motivation to change. For someone to want to change ~ they must be stimulated either negatively or positively! Its just that plain and simple.
Sixteen years ago, I thought I was a pretty good husband, and I thought I was following the scrpt as I understood it. Trouble is no one ever told me that I was suppose to act like we'd just meet ~ even though we'd been together for 12 years. Emotional needs? WTF are you talking about? You azz ain't going to bed hungry are you? You've got a roof over your head, medical, dental, a fairly new car to drive. I'm home everynight, I work my azz off, sometimes I work two jobs to provide for you and the kids. I'm out drinking, gambling, smoking up the rent money. I'm not out chasing everything in a skirt? I'm not laying out with the boys in the club.
Her fault, my fault ~ no one's fault. Bottom line was just got her a "toy-boy" and I got my azz handed to me.
When Cortez landed on the shores of Mexico ~ he burned his ships. Its was sink or swim. There was no going back. His men were what you might call very positively motivated.
The guy you married to isn't married. He wants his GF and his wife. And, if you're buying off on his lies you're just setting yourself up. No man is living with another women that he's already admitted to having sex with and they're not getting it on!
So in essence your the second string, has been back up? Oh I think not! You're better than that, and you deserve better than that! You owe yourself better than what you're getting from this clown.
You need to get yourself a copy of that song by the George Sattelites, when the line that goes, "No more your lies and keep your hands to yourself!" And, play it over and over and over and over again.
You know you're already suspectable to his lies, manipulations, etc, so for your own good cut all contact ~ be strong, get you back up ~ and yes "man-up" and do what you've got to do to get rid of this clown!
You've already shown by getting the admin job that you're capable of being determined, and of pulling yourself up from your bootsrings. Attta Girl! And, you can do this divorce thing. You deserve only the best ~ don't settle for less!
Now that's he rejected your "mimimum list" I'd be upping the ante' and adding to the list ~ the bar just got a little higher and a little harder to get over.
Getting back to the change business ~he's not going to change ~ because he's not suffered the pain as you, I and others have. When I went through this ~ I was determined to never go through all that again. Thing is you can read from here to Kingdom come and there still aren't guaranttes it won't all go to **** in the end!
Its hard to tell a good one from a bad one until you've been with them for awhile. A good one will love you until death! A bad one will make damn sure you azz goes first!
Relationships can be easy to get into, hard to maintain ~ and sometimes hard to get out of ~
This guy is dis-respecting you big time! That enough should be your cue to exit stage left for the rest of your life. You deserve better, and you can find better.
As far as the sex goes ~ I'm going to tell you like your Mama told you back when you were a little girl ~ "Don't put that in your mouth! You don't know where its been!"
Bottom line ~ if the "crying, begging, pleading, ripping the headliner out of the car - "I'll pay you $50 just tostop!" sex wasn't enough to make him stay it sure as Hell isn't going to be enough to make him come back under yours or anyone's terms.
This guy is using you!
If you don't respect yourself ~ don't expect anyone else to! Especially USERS, and ABUSERS like this guy.
Go out and get yourself a Lexus ~ why settle for a Yugo?
__________________
I may not be perfect! But, parts of me are pretty awesome, and I'm working on the rest!
Standing ovation, Gunny. (I wish we had an emoticon just for applause!)
You know, sometimes I get soooo sidetracked trying to help somebody get what they want... that I don't question WHY they want it.
I think you've got this guy's number, Gunny. It's just flat out WRONG to allow your spouse to jump through these kind of hoops, then look them in the eye and tell them "I'm not giving up my girlfriend". It says something about a man's character when he can give himself permission to do that.
So... I'd like to amend my previous post:
How 'bout handing this guy his hat, Antha? I'm thinking Plan D with complete NO CONTACT for life. It's time for your STBX to stop messing with your head. And only YOU have the power to enforce those boundaries.
You told him what you needed, and he rejected it. Question asked. Question answered. He's "burned his ships" if you ask me.
Thanks for all the replies! I also like the 'burning ships' metaphor. Now, in the light of day and that horrid discussion with him and these words you all have written...I feel a bit free. I was afraid of all the hard work that would be involved in reconciling and doubting him capabilities to handle such hard work, such growth...
What he has told me is pretty much equates to letting me off his hook. In his way (not giving up OW), he has told me that he is not willing to change and that he chooses her over me. It can't be much clearer than that, really. He can talk himself blue in the face now...but he cannot take back saying that he would not give her up. Ten years from now, just because the dust has settled doesn't mean I will give him this opportunity again...I will never forget that despite his words of love and "soul mates" and all those lovely things...he didn't really believe what he was telling me. He doesn't feel the same way about me that I felt about him. He doesn't believe that we could get through anything together.
She was not his "friend in his dark times"...she was the cause, as well as himself for giving into temptation. And then to say that he wouldn't give her up for me...his WIFE, his "soul mate", his only one...the only one who ever understood him and truly accepted him for who he was...
He spits on what was once our marriage. Common courtesies are used as "evidence of his changes".
I don't believe I could have been more clear on where I stand. I was victimized before and I don't want to be a victim anymore. I don't want to be manipulated and toyed with.
In a way, by refusing to give her up, he has draw a line in the sand. I do not want the man who uses me in every way and justifies it. I do not want the man who cannot be faithful to me, who can give me what I need but refuses to out of selfishness.
Giving up his little girlfriend seems like such an obvious, necessary thing. Why WOULDN'T you forsake her for your true love? Why would anyone think that you could really have love and trust and understanding from your spouse...when you will not depart from the catalyst to the ending of your union? And to try and convince me that it makes him a good man to "not abandon friends and family", and makes ME the selfish one for asking it of him!!
I cannot cut him out completely (as I had in the past for 2 years). We have a child together. However, I have a new cell phone...I have not given him the number nor let him know that I have one. This decreases the amount spent talking to him. He cannot talk to me long before 7pm because he only has a cell phone and it costs minutes to talk to me. If he wants to reach me, he must call my mother's house...and take the risk that he may have to speak to someone other than myself. He will call if necessary, but he is deterred from calling just to BS with me or talk about "our relationship".
You are right. He has not hit rock bottom...and why should he? He has everything he wants: freedom from his wife and child, his live-in girlfriend, plus my love for him that keeps up his self-esteem, and being his "on call prostitute" when he is lonely.
In a way, he made a big mistake in telling me he wouldn't give her up. By being honest (for once), he has let me know that I do not want him. If I am not enough for him, and he needs her still...what is the point? I will remember his refusal to excommunicate himself from her every time I hear his voice or see his face. This man is not worthy of me.
I feel foolish now, that I would ever consider reconciling with him...and that he should spit in my face and tell me it was a sweet kiss. I'll get over the feeling of being manipulated and exploited soon.
The likelihood now of being "swept away" by what he says to me in the dark is a lot less. I should have known when he didn't want to meet me at a restaurant after we had already agreed on meeting at a 24 hour restaurant that he did not want a real conversation...that all he wanted was to trick me again so he could get what he wanted. He had begged me to have sex with him, and I wanted to...but I told him no more than a few times and pushed him away. I'm very glad that I didn't give in, at least, on that account.
Now that he has refused to give me what I would need...what would be his position now? Prepare me. What will he say next to try to manipulate me? I don't know for sure that I need to be prepared, now that I know that there is absolutely no chance of being together. If it won't lead anywhere...then what is there to talk of anymore?
All I feel right now is anger and hostility towards him. I gave him his last opportunity to make things right, or at least start to make them right...and he failed and disappointed me yet again. He didn't deserve any of the chances I gave him to prove himself a good man, but I gave them to him because I hoped he wouldn't fail me again. I feel that this was definitely his last chance with me, and he blew it. He doesn't realize it yet, that I won't be his plaything anymore or speak of my love for him or talk to him about "good times" we had or stroke his ego (or anything else of his).
When he gets lonely and calls the next time, he'll realize he cannot have everything and that he has lost me forever. I will never return to him, I will never be his friend or confidant. When the anger towards him wears off (as it always inevitably does), I will not go back to him or let him into my life.
Honestly, I can't wait for the opportunity to crush him in every way possible. Sounds horrible, doesn't it? I plan to not consider his feelings before I do anything. With the child support hearing coming up, I fully intend to have the courts make him pay a reasonable amount and half of the daycare costs. I have no more sympathy for how little money he has now. Boo hoo. Maybe he shouldn't have cheated on me, treated me like a worthless piece of crap...and then told me that I needed to own up to my own responsibility in it and that I was just as responsible. I'd say it was more 20% me, 80% him.
I know I sound crazed and confused...but I am not. Your words are things I knew "in theory", in my rational mind...my emotions are catching up with what is already obvious to you, and to my rational mind. My heart has been letting me act like a fool, and afterwards my rational mind would be upset with the actions my heart had made me do. Now, it feels like the mind and the heart are more in sync...and both are disgusted by my STBXH.
Now that he has refused to give me what I would need...what would be his position now? Prepare me. What will he say next to try to manipulate me? I don't know for sure that I need to be prepared, now that I know that there is absolutely no chance of being together. If it won't lead anywhere...then what is there to talk of anymore?
Probably he'll offer up a little more of the same at first. He'll continue to try and impress you with the idea that his "common courtesies" are in fact "changes", and he'll improve upon his sales job at convincing you of same.
He'll tire quickly once he sees that you're not buying though. And then... you'll be the bad guy again. He'll be angry and bent on demonizing you.
When all else has failed.... he'll most likely capitulate completely to your boundaries. If you accept him back, this will begin a period of false recoveryunless his heart is genuine. If it's not... he'll just take the affair back underground.
With this one exception... you've already seen all his moves. The false recovery scenario is the one to keep your eye on. The only ploy left in his arsenal.
And man... a wayward can sell the sh*t out of that one. Because they actually believe it themselves... at least for awhile. The actual loss of the betrayed spouse can sometimes light a fire under them. But if they haven't put in the work it takes to make those changes REAL, they can't go the distance.
I'm sorry for your pain, Antha.
Your writing style is so eloquent that it's like sitting in the same room with you. One can almost feel the emotions.
But you're smarter than he thinks... and you're strong. You'll be okay, hon. Time is all you need. All the other resources one needs to help themselves recover..... are already at your command.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
. BUT, I recognised I needed to change for me... 
)
Are situations are different.... (well as far as I know they are different... meaning no other man) 
....thx...if this keeps up my ego... will inflate to unknown limits..
Linear Mode
