This is my first post but I don't really know what to do and am looking for advice. I guess I'll start by saying I'm 27 and my wife is 28. We've been married almost 6 years now and just over a month ago, she told me that she just wants to be alone. We have 1 child together and she has 3 from before we were married. This may turn out to be a long winded post but I feel I should tell as much as I can.
First of all, I can say this; I know that my wife is everything I've ever wanted. When she told me that she no longer wants the marriage, something inside me told me that this was the very last time. When I hit that bottom, I had a revelation about my life, my marriage, everything. I realized what things I did to lead up to this. When we were first married, she worked so hard at our marriage. She did most things right, while I pretty much just ignored it. Things came before her for most of the time each day. Finally, she began to get out of the house more and more after about a year. She would be gone all day at her mothers house, or her friends house. Eventually, this lead to a separation and we began counseling. We had split up for nearly a year before we decided to reconcile. When we reconciled and moved back in together everything was cool until I lost my job. After that things began moving downhill again.
This was around the start of 2005. Within a few months, she began playing online games for most of the day and started talking to another man. I was trying to do the things I needed to do and began being "needy" for her time. All the while this was going on, she started spending more and more time with this guy on the internet, talking over Skype etc. They lived too far apart to see each other but spent most of the day with each other on the computer. Around November, 2005 I found out that it was more than "just friends" like she had been telling me for the whole time. At that point, I gave her a choice of either him or me. She chose me and didn't talk to him again and we started trying again. Things were going great for a while until around May of this year.
I'm not really sure of where we went wrong but things got bad quickly. Over this past year, I've really been growing mentally. I still have my stumbling blocks but I don't stop trying. Around July or August, she began to talk to another guy. It was also around this time that she began to say that she didn't want to be here anymore. She started spending more and more time on the computer to the point of now she's on it all day.
Like I said, she told me in October that she was leaving. We agreed to wait until tax time before either she leaves or I leave. When she told me this, I was devastated. I have not been the perfect or ideal husband even, but over this past year I have really tried to be. Like I said, I can see what I did wrong. I was accusing her of this or that when she began to talk to people online again, always fighting or being mad etc.
Well, when she said this and I had my revelation, I knew that the person that I've been wasn't who I've wanted to be and I found God once again. I began making changes to my life and begged her to give me "just one more chance," crying, becoming extremely needy. We've had many talks about where things are and she tells me that there is nothing going on with this guy, but that she just wants to be alone. She doesn't want any relationship at all because of the drama.
She tells me that she might consider giving me another chance if she's 100% certain I've changed and after she has time to heal. She lost a "bet" during a fun game of cards that she would consider staying when the time came to leave but that she still didn't want to work on the marriage right now. Every time she shows me attention it's like I'm a crack addict or something because it almost gives me a false hope that she's coming around. Then it's back to the begging, crying, pleading.
I've gone to the doctor last week and began taking anti-depressants. They are starting to work a little as I've been on them before. What I'm afraid of, is that the damage might already be done. The more that she'd come towards me, the more I would pressure and cling to her. Then she would back off and start becoming really blunt about the way she feels and the way things are. I was lurking around this forum for the last day or so and decided to start implementing some of the advice given here and just give her the space she wants.
I'm just confused as to if there is anything I can do to save my marriage. I fear that the man she's talking to is stealing her heart and I don't want that. She tells me that she can't trust giving me another chance right now but there are times where I can tell that she still has feelings for me. Things have been getting better over the last month (aside from the begging and pleading). I don't really argue with her anymore, and I try to be as considerate as possible. It just really hurts because she's here all day pretty much just talking to someone else.
We don't have the means to really separate right now, hence the waiting until income taxes. Is there anything I can do at this point? Or is it a lost cause? We still sleep in the same bed and still make love. She just says that she doesn't want this and that she doesn't really even like me that much anymore. I know that each time I bring things up, it makes it worse so I have been trying to stop. I'm hoping that the month of me begging and crying hasn't done too much damage.
Sounds like what I am going through except it is my husband who wants to be alone. We have no kids. I don't have much advice for you at this point but I just wanted to let you know that you arent alone in this. I thouht I was, but after reading several threads, I am seeing that there are lots of people going through the samw thing. Good luck!
This sounds very familiar to what's happend to lot's of people on here. This is usually the beginning of the end. She seems to be focusing her energy on someone else, and if you can't intervene with counseling or get her to open up about her feelings, it's going to be a roller coaster ride. Whatever you do, don't settle for anything less than truth and devotion to work this out. If she starts trying to make you feel like the bad person, or gives you misinformation then boot her out. Trust me, if you cave in like most people do and start pressuring her or trying too hard, she is going to pull back even farther.
Thanks for the advice Rooster_DAR and angelkellrae. Yes as I've said, I did cave in and she pulled back even further. She's also been doing that, making me feel bad and because of my persistence in things, started disrespecting me in front of this guy. She keeps saying that she doesn't want to talk but I kept persisting finally she blows up in a fit of rage. I know that she has a lot of hurt and resentment about things that she says she can't let go at this time.
She did open up about her feelings regarding us, but it seems like she's closing herself off more and more. She only tells me what she thinks I need to know now but nothing else. There's times where I think she's confused about the situation but it seems like I overanalyze or something because I just start coming back to pressure her which doesn't get me anywhere but more hurt.
Thanks for the advice Rooster_DAR and angelkellrae. Yes as I've said, I did cave in and she pulled back even further. She's also been doing that, making me feel bad and because of my persistence in things, started disrespecting me in front of this guy. She keeps saying that she doesn't want to talk but I kept persisting finally she blows up in a fit of rage. I know that she has a lot of hurt and resentment about things that she says she can't let go at this time.
She did open up about her feelings regarding us, but it seems like she's closing herself off more and more. She only tells me what she thinks I need to know now but nothing else. There's times where I think she's confused about the situation but it seems like I overanalyze or something because I just start coming back to pressure her which doesn't get me anywhere but more hurt.
You need a concerted effort to get her and you to therapy, before it's too late. The more time you wait, the worse off your going to be. I bet she has started to develop an emotional bond to this guy, and once it crosses a certain point there is not much you can do. Get mad, stand your ground and give her an ultimatum.
Either she goes to therapist with you, or your calling it quits. I understand it's easier said than done, but you need to find you **lls again and do this. Don't be a sap, don't feel bad and cave in, and don't cater to her. She is the one with the problem, you are not. It's not about any past mistakes you may have made to cause this, it's about what she is doing right now.
I'm just so confused. She keeps telling me that she doesn't want this anymore so I feel as if I did something like that, it would put a complete end to all this. Yet there are many times when she acts as if she still wants things to work. The thing with the emotional bond with the guy... He calls her if she's not talking to him at a certain time, she even went so far as to call him after after we had a disagreement over him the other day.
*Edit*
So you're saying that this is the route I should go? I guess I'm afraid it will blow up in my face and then I will lose any chance I might have had.
Last edited by morephine; 5th December 2006 at 10:57 PM..
So.. let me get this straight.. You have 1 kid together, she has 3 and she's on the computer all day flirting with this other man?
She stays in the house, eats the food you work for and says this?
Quote:
She just says that she doesn't want this and that she doesn't really even like me that much anymore
And yet you still beg, plead and become needy?
Man, she has you WRAPPED around her finger. Why would she change when she's not facing any consequences for HER behavior?
Read this next statement VERY carefully, and read it multiple times:
Definition of Insanity: Doing the same thing over & over, expecting different results.
Like I said, read it a few times. Get the picture here?
She is emotionally and mentally immature. Yes she has four kids but she's not raising them in the right manner and she probably never got to 'sow her wild oats', however that was her choice back then when she had those children. She needs to stop acting like one.
The only way to win this game is to not play it. Next time she advances onto you, REJECT her. Then tell her straight out that it's either we goto marriage counseling and fix these deep issues or that the marriage is over. Because unless you stop rolling over & piddling everytime she'll continue to disrespect you. This is the second time she is cheating on you emotionally, and the thing is with online 'friends' is that you only see the charming side of them. You don't see them when they are upset, mean, showing their bad habits, etc.. She's living in a fantasy world and if she wants to do that then she can do it not being married to you.
Read the book 'Love is Tough'. It's time that she faces responsibility & consequences for her behavior. Like I said before give her the ultamaitum of marriage counseling or divorce. Stop letting her use fear to control you and this marriage. Trust me at her stage in her life she will not leave. Where is she going to go with four kids? This is the perfect time to make her face her issues. You need to be brave here. My marriage didn't turn around until I did the same.
Last edited by jmargel; 6th December 2006 at 10:06 AM..
So.. let me get this straight.. You have 1 kid together, she has 3 and she's on the computer all day flirting with this other man?
She stays in the house, eats the food you work for and says this?
And yet you still beg, plead and become needy?
Man, she has you WRAPPED around her finger. Why would she change when she's not facing any consequences for HER behavior?
Read this next statement VERY carefully, and read it multiple times:
Definition of Insanity: Doing the same thing over & over, expecting different results.
Like I said, read it a few times. Get the picture here?
She is emotionally and mentally immature. Yes she has four kids but she's not raising them in the right manner and she probably never got to 'sow her wild oats', however that was her choice back then when she had those children. She needs to stop acting like one.
The only way to win this game is to not play it. Next time she advances onto you, REJECT her. Then tell her straight out that it's either we goto marriage counseling and fix these deep issues or that the marriage is over. Because unless you stop rolling over & piddling everytime she'll continue to disrespect you. This is the second time she is cheating on you emotionally, and the thing is with online 'friends' is that you only see the charming side of them. You don't see them when they are upset, mean, showing their bad habits, etc.. She's living in a fantasy world and if she wants to do that then she can do it not being married to you.
Read the book 'Love is Tough'. It's time that she faces responsibility & consequences for her behavior. Like I said before give her the ultamaitum of marriage counseling or divorce. Stop letting her use fear to control you and this marriage. Trust me at her stage in her life she will not leave. Where is she going to go with four kids? This is the perfect time to make her face her issues. You need to be brave here. My marriage didn't turn around until I did the same.
JMargel is right, I have listened to his suggestions and many LS members will agree with this. You need to toughen up, and I mean don't lay down for her. I did this recently with my EX and she wound up abusing her power with inmaturity and false expectations. Be a man, stand up to her, and take control of the situation. I know your love for her and your emotions get in the way, but this will show as a sign of weakness to her. She will start thinking in her mind "God he is pathetic" if you cave in.
Wow that made quite a bit of sense. It is basically what she is saying whenever we talk that she just wants to do what she wants because for the first few years she was all about myself and the children. I'm starting to come to the realization that part of the problem was because I allowed all this to happen. I know I have many faults that I myself need to work out and am doing that ever so slowly right now, but at the same time she isn't perfect either. I think I'm beginning to see what you guys are saying and I truly am fed up with the begging and pleading. All that did was destroy any self respect I had for myself and ended up making me feel worse every time. Right now we still have about a month and a half before our taxes so I think I'm going to use this time to work myself back up from the bottom. I know for a fact that at this very point in time if I were to give her an ultimatum it would blow up in my face. So I will use this month to begin a process of being able to move on without her if she decides to go. Just as your definition of insanity explains, I think that in order to make change it has to start in myself. I've gotten so docile over the past year that I really need to just work it up in myself. I will begin to show her that she will have consequences should she decide to take this action before she leaves. I still think I'm in need of lots of advise and support as I've always been the type to not want or need a social life but right now it's extremely hard to do this on my own.
Wow that made quite a bit of sense. It is basically what she is saying whenever we talk that she just wants to do what she wants because for the first few years she was all about myself and the children.
This statement right here tells me she is bored and wants excitement, and what she is doing now is the only way she feels she can get it. This is very common and is called the seven year itch, which actually these days it's more like the 4 or 5 year itch. If you notice everyone that's going through divorce or breakup, many of them are at or around the 4 to 6 year mark. This is where many people fail at their relationships because they don't understand what's happening to them. For people that do understand, they weather this storm and get through it with a better relationship than ever. Most people now days will not make it, instead they opt for the easy way out and to find that in love and freedom feeling again, only later to be dissapointed again.
That makes perfect sense to me. I understand that crystal clear because when I look back at the past year, those are the exact things she's been telling me. That "things just aren't exciting anymore," and "I just want to live my life." Thing is, I'm not sure if I can get her to understand that, or rather, I don't know how to go about doing it. Giving her an ultimatum seems like the opposite of things I should do but I will take the advice and think and pray on it. As I said, I'm here for advice and I'm taking what everyone is saying with an open mind as well as relieving some of this burden by knowing that I'm not the only one going through this.
One thing I should add is that we took the day apart yesterday, and last night we've had one of the most constructive "talks" that we've had in a long time. I basically let her know that I was going to focus on doing the things I need to do to get myself right and to get right with God again. That I understood how she felt and that only she could decide how to go about things. Funny, it was one of the first times she opened up to me in a very long while. I'm going to see how today goes as I'm just taking time to enjoy myself again. The pills I'm taking for depression and stress are really starting to work wonders because it is calming myself and allowing me to get back in touch with myself.
Like I said, over this past year, it's like I almost lost myself trying to become what she wanted. Now that the initial shock of everything is starting to settle, I'm slowly beginning to find myself yet again. I know that I still want this marriage to work, and she told me last night that she did too, it's just for myself, I know I need to let go of expectations of how she should be and I think that starts with accepting myself first.
That makes perfect sense to me. I understand that crystal clear because when I look back at the past year, those are the exact things she's been telling me. That "things just aren't exciting anymore," and "I just want to live my life." Thing is, I'm not sure if I can get her to understand that, or rather, I don't know how to go about doing it. Giving her an ultimatum seems like the opposite of things I should do but I will take the advice and think and pray on it. As I said, I'm here for advice and I'm taking what everyone is saying with an open mind as well as relieving some of this burden by knowing that I'm not the only one going through this.
Giving her an ultimatum does a couple of things, it puts the power back in your hands and the ball back in her court, and it gives you a resolve. She can either say yes or no, and you won't have to live in limbo. Don't count on a yes answer from her, because it will only dissapoint you if she says no. I would instead working on bettering yourself and if she decides she wants to work it out, she has to go to therapy with you. No if's and's or but's. Don't contact her, only do this if she comes running back to you. I would stay with not contact if possible, and use the above advice only if she is running back.
Ok. I can see the wisdom in that. The whole no contact is a bit hard because we still live together but I know I can do things to keep myself busy and to avoid as much contact as possible right now. Again, thank you for the advice and support you guys are giving.
One of the big things that women find attractive in a man is confidence. You had it when you met her, you just lost it slowly due to the bad environment & communcation you two had. It's time to get that back, not for her but for yourself.
Confidence doesn't mean to be egostistical or argonant. It means standing up for what you believe in and knowing you can move through life on your own if needed.
As for ultamatiums it's not necessarily what you say but how you say it. My approach to this would be something like..
'I love you and really want our future to be together but I need your help as well in this. I'm going to counseling not for just us, but for myself and want to improve the way I can communicate among other things. I really hope that you decide to join me, if not now then in the near future'.
Then see what her reaction is. If she doesn't go, fine. Just go yourself. This will help you achieve what you are seeking. You need to pull yourself out of this pity rut and grab this situaton by the horns and steer it in the right direction.
Remember be a gentleman, hold your head up high, restore that confidence within yourself and SHOW this. Get her to remember the guy she fell in love with. This is you working on yourself. On top of that she will have to work out her own issues and hopefully she will goto counseling to get on the right track.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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