I'm in love with a man... and I have absolutely no idea if he loves me back. We have been friends (by way of email correspondence) for several years. I recently moved within 20 miles of him and since then we've met for coffee on several occassions and we email each other daily.
The catch? He has a live-in girlfriend.
He is remote by nature and I can't tell if he has feelings for me. When we meet, he tells me about how he wants to move to the arctic (he's a biologist; he also knows that I want to move to the arctic); his girlfriend isn't aware that he's been sending off resumes for these distant jobs. He says he doesn't tell her because she would never move away. Lately, he has begun listening to the music he knows I enjoy (Dylan, Led Zeppelin, etc.) and he slips into my vernicular, even though we come from different countries. What worries me is that I doubt he has told his girlfriend about me; he has never offered his phone number or home address... though I've never asked either.
I'm very confused. He is an above-board type of man; he isn't looking to have an affair. But is it possible that he has feelings for me and is thinking about acting on them? Or is that delusional thinking?
What worries me is that I doubt he has told his girlfriend about me; he has never offered his phone number or home address... though I've never asked either.
You should ask him then. Atleast you'll know where you stand. You don't want to be the other woman in his life, that's not fair to you, or to his girlfriend.
You don't know this man, even though you've met him in person afew times, and keep intouch through emails. You've not said if he has kissed you, or flirted with you - So far it just seems like a friendship. Keep your heart in check, don't fall for him too deeply because you're going to get hurt.
He is an above-board type of man; he isn't looking to have an affair.
Uhhh, how do you figure that? He's been emailing you for years without his live-in girlfriend's knowledge. He doesn't offer personal information to you such as his his phone number and address. He's met with you behind her back. He's looking for long-distance jobs behind his girlfriend's back. That doesn't sounds too above-board to me.
Yes, you're being delusional. At best the man is a doubleminded liar and cheat. Don't be surprised if you discover he have several other "email friends."
I'm in love with a man... and I have absolutely no idea if he loves me back. We have been friends (by way of email correspondence) for several years. I recently moved within 20 miles of him and since then we've met for coffee on several occassions and we email each other daily.
The catch? He has a live-in girlfriend.
He is remote by nature and I can't tell if he has feelings for me. When we meet, he tells me about how he wants to move to the arctic (he's a biologist; he also knows that I want to move to the arctic); his girlfriend isn't aware that he's been sending off resumes for these distant jobs. He says he doesn't tell her because she would never move away. Lately, he has begun listening to the music he knows I enjoy (Dylan, Led Zeppelin, etc.) and he slips into my vernicular, even though we come from different countries. What worries me is that I doubt he has told his girlfriend about me; he has never offered his phone number or home address... though I've never asked either.
I'm very confused. He is an above-board type of man; he isn't looking to have an affair. But is it possible that he has feelings for me and is thinking about acting on them? Or is that delusional thinking?
Hmm.
So you don't know if his girlfriend knows about you?
You have no idea if he has feelings for you beyond friendship?
What do you talk about? If you've been talking about the antarctic and music for years by email, and feelings and so on have never come up, then perhaps for him it's no more than friendship.
I don't know, maybe I'm naive (!), but I have lots of male friends and we talk about a lot of things, never 'feelings' because it's not appropriate! There are none! Or at least, they're not relevant, and there is no intention of anything going beyond discussion of political issues and philosophy and the like
You haven't said very much here, but one thing you have said that makes me think aha... not just friends... is that he's keeping things from his girlfriend about possibly relocating to antarctica. Is this a possibility or a pipe-dream? This all sounds like a little fantasy... but I have no idea what your occupations are.
On balance I'd say he probably has some kind of feelings for you... but if you've got this far and nothing has been talked about... perhaps it's all just a distraction for him? It's very hard to tell from what you've written so far.
We have been friends (by way of email correspondence) for several years.
Quite honestly, an email pen-pal correspondence hardly equals love.
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I recently moved within 20 miles of him
PLEASE tell me this isn't something you active sought to do.
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...and since then we've met for coffee on several occassions and we email each other daily.
Sounds as though this guy is enjoying the ego boost he's getting from your extreme infactuation with him.
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He is remote by nature and I can't tell if he has feelings for me.
Clue #1.
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he has never offered his phone number or home address... though I've never asked either.
Clue #2
Why do you want to pursue someone who isn't free to be pursued? Further, why do you want to pursue someone who hasn't shown a romantic interest in you? Why?
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He is an above-board type of man
Ummm, no he's not. He's got 'secret' pen pals that stroke his ego (you're probably not the only one) and he continues to seek work (behind his girlfriend's back) in an area he knows will be a deal-breaker for their relationship. If he's so anxious to split from her, why doesn't he just DO it, instead of acting like a greasy little weasel and secretly sending out resumes to remote corners of the planet?
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Or is that delusional thinking?
You betcha. You've been given the opportunity to see this guy's TRUE character. He's sneaky and deceitful, regardless of whether he's entered into an affair with you or not. Why would you even WANT to go down this road?
I hope so because doting on this fella will get you no where! You deserve full time attention and a lively romance.
Any kind of relationship with someone who has a live-in partner is inappropriate and it should have been ended as soon as you knew about this. What's done is done but you should end contact with this person ASAP.
You don't know if anything this guy is telling you is the truth. It could be dangerous other than just for your heart.
I agree with the other posters to a good extent. We don't really know you, him, or your situation but it sounds to me like a recipe for disaster. When someone has a S/O(G/F in this case), you need to have boundaries in place, but he really needs to have them.
Say you two do hook up and he ditches his G/F, now at first you might be so tied up in the chemical love process that you will have blinders on, but after that blows over you might start thinking/questioning about how he ditched his G/F and ran into your arms and if you're now at risk of his fleeting personality.
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