[Ladybug313]

Hi I was wondering if any of you have had to dealt with really controlling
mothers and if my mother, to you folks, would be deemed controlling.

I basically grew up not being able to wear what I wanted, or do my hair the way I wanted. Sure I probably woul dhave made some fashion no-no's but my mother never even gave me a chance to make those mistakes. She wanted me to dress a certain way, wear my hear a certain way (basically she wanted me to look exactly like her). Who knows if the others that in itself was a fashion no-no right?

Life became heaven when I decided to go study abroad at the tender age of thirteen. I had my own responsibilities, my own decisions, it was hard but it was wonderful. I bought my own clothes, the ones I wanted to wear (and no they weren't skanky clothes or anything just my style) and when I brought them home for the holiday my mother went and thew half the stuff out while I was sleeping. She didn't think the clothes were nice enough and they didn't suit me. I grew out the hair I have always wanted to grow out, she managed to comment on how horrible it looked as soon as I got off the plane and lo and behold already had made an appointment with the hairstylist before we even reached home from the airport.
I felt so smothered.

SHe does this to my dad too, but either he's a really really nice guy or seems to think that's the way wives are supposed to be, but he never complains, he does exactly what she tells him to do.
He had this thing about muscles and tanning (ok I admit it was kinda ridiculous too) when he started going bald and felt he wanted to buff up, hehe. So he brought home some magazines of that sort. Mother goes right ahead and throws them in the trash.

He sometimes orders stuff online, little things like weights and what not. Again, they arrive, mother chucks them, saying she doesn't want her husband ordering useless stuff online and cluttering the house with them..

It was a very confusing childhood for me. On the one hand your parents do know what's best for you most of the time, and parents, well they're your parents, and you treat them with respect and never defy them (that was how I grew up) But when does it cross the line and become controlling? When does it become loving your kids the way you WANT to love them, not exactly the way THEY want/need to be loved??

I just had some thoughts about this and wanted to share, and would you define my mother as controlling?

Thanks.

[emmaUK]

OMG. sounds very controlling to me.

a tad like my stepmum..... grrr she makes me so mad.
when i was pregnant she marched me to the shops to get maternity clothes.... she was telling me to get this or get that.... and when i tried to say "i dont like that, its horrible and i jsut wouldnt wear it " she said "f**k fashion" and i i endep up with a load of maternity clothes that i didnt even wear coz they were so not me at all.
but there is no point in even trying to reason or argue with her ... it stresses me out beyond beleif.
i going up to visit them 2moro for 6 days .. i dont know how i will cope.

how do u find ways of coping with your mum controlling???
i would be interested to know..
do u not get knots in your stomach and feel u r gonna go crazy with anger??

[Zippy]

First off I'd just like to say I'm so, so, sorry you had a mother like this.

Reading what you have written reminds me exactly of my mum, only 10 ten times worse.

You should have threatened her with ringing the police because of throwing your stuff out, surely it's got to be against the law just like how theft and vandalism is?

I think you should really see a psychologist to try and undo everything that your mum has done to you.

[Zippy]

Also, I'd just like to ask, weren't you or your dad allowed to have anything you chose yourself?

Like, say if you brought a CD home which you bought from the shop, would your mum then throw it away?

[My Fair Katie]

So sorry to hear about your issues.

I'm estranged from my controlling parents. A book I found that helped me is If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World by Dan Neuharth.

Neuharth explains 8 types of controlling parents (and parents can and usually do fall into more than one category). They are:
-Smothering (overbearing scrutiny)
-Depriving (conditional love)
-Perfectionistic (pressure to perform)
-Cultlike (rigid rules and beliefs)
-Chaotic (Unpredictable)
-Using (needing to be number 1)
-Abusing (bullying)
-Childlike (inducing guilt)

Anywho, this is the webpage of the book: http://www.controllingparents.com/ I got my copy for cheap at Barnes and Noble, Amazon also carries it.