[cole]

Today is the 3-month anniversary of our break-up. Today is the last day of attempting a reconcilliation with my ex, whom I broke up with (wasn't so pretty, for sure - involved alcohol and my complete and utter frustration with our relationship at the time - I blew my top. I finally couldn't deal with being belittled and ignored one more day, though I had taught myself how to keep it from bothering me outwardly, or so I thought. I literally could not keep my calm for one more moment), a promise I made to myself in August.
But as ****ty as our relationship was, it's so hard to let go. Maybe it's because I worked so hard at it since we got back together a year ago, but ... once he had me back last time around, he just kept pushing me away again, refused to discuss anything pertaining to our relationship, and constantly made me wonder why he so desperately wanted to get back together the time before! Patterns, huh?
Less than a month after we broke up this last time, he started dating his next door neighbor. I foolishly thought he might take time, like he said he was, to think about what he wants and why he fights against the relationships he fought so hard for at first. I thought he might want to make "us" work, that he would realize how important I was, how important our relationship was. Guess not.
I met her last week. First time he's been out socially, all our mutual friends were there, it was awful. He ran after me, tried to keep me thinking there's a chance, but I said that wasn't fair to her. He said I slammed the door in his face.
He's already gone on trips with her, I can tell that it's over for us. He contacts me, but he keeps his distance more so than ever before when we broke up. Gets mad if I know what is going on with him currrently (so I make sure he knows that I know! Heh). But what seems so odd to me is made it very clear from the beginning of our time together three years ago how much he needed his own "time" within our relationship - something he voiced regularly, and I totally understand that and need that too - but now he's seeing a girl who lives basically in his backyard? She's the complete opposite of me, and maybe that's why. It was just so fast. He was afraid that I left him because of a problem he had or because he admittedly has never been able to make decisions, so maybe I hurt him. I don't know.
I know I pushed too much after we broke up, particularly when I found out that he was seeing someone else (though he wouldn't be honest with me about it), and I know it never would have worked with only me working on it, a fact that drove me crazy.
But damn ... I wrote my list of reasons why I was so unhappy in our relationship. I know this is for the best. I know this has to be the end, no U-Turns. But how do I keep from obsessing, from contacting him for dumb reasons or responding to his emails that I keep telling myself to erase?
What are some ways I can remind myself that I wasn't at fault for trying to make it work, for attempting to sit down and communicate who we were and what we felt about our lives?
How can I stop the jealousy running through my mind? I didn't want "us" on his terms, and he said after we broke up that he would've left it at the status-quo had I not made the choice to end it. I don't want to be her now, but ... I can't stop wondering if she is so much better than me, and it's driving me batty.
I feel like a total failure - so much so that I'm stream-of-consciousness rambling in the hopes that I do not contact my ex on any level.
Any advice that could help bolster my spirits and keep me from failing myself this time? I am so frickin tired of the hurt and the wondering.
Thanks.