First and foremost I want to thank anyone who responded to my first posting, I recieved some really good advice. Someone suggested that my feelings might be hurt because some of the replies seemed harsh but how can I get my feelings hurt by other peoples honest opinions.
I guess the reason I am continuing with my post is because i have some major decisions I need to make and I am terribly confused and I am depending on the opinions of other people to help me make up my mind. I may not have been completely accurate in my first post and if I am to ask for advice then the whole story should be known.
If you've already read my first post then you know the gyst of the story the "details" are what I've left out. I know some of you think my marraige sounds like a mix of a romantic comedy and a tragic love story and I may sound a little like a ditz but it is my life and who I am.
My name is Laura and I guess you can tell by my user name, my husband is Steven. I am about to turn 40, he is 42. I was married to my ex-husband for 12 years, we were together for 15 and Steven and his ex-wife were together for 20 years, married for 17 of them. I was anxious to be divorced from the very greedy, selfish, verbally and emotionally abusive man I was married to, especially one I found out that he'd had a male lover throughout our marraige but Steven tried to hold on to his marraige to a woman who was emotionally abusive, who withheld sex and was a habitual cheater (these are her words, not his). He held off on divorcing his ex to the point that he allowed her to consider their marraige an open one, provided that she be honest with him about her sexual partners.
I met Steven shortly after my seperation from my ex, It was an instant attraction for me, though he is not the type of man I am ususally attracted to. I am 4'7", not thin but not fat, he is a very large, not fat just large, 6'2" man, very rugged looking. I am normally attracted to short, thin men and he is normally attracted to tall, thin women. Like I said it was an instant attraction for me so I called him the next day and invited him out for coffee, we had our first "date", we went dancing, out for coffe and spent the bulk of the night talking about his divorce and my impending divorce. We talked about how and why he got custody of his children and how I was afraid that my ex would make me fight for custody of mine.
He told me that he and his ex-wife had still been somewhat sexually active after their divorce and that he still loved her and never really wanted a divorce, they had been trying to repair thier relationship but she was continuing the same behavior she exibited during their marraige and he didn't know if it was going to work. The thing he'd said he was most proud of was the fact that his children could say that their parents were together and that theye weren't from a broken home, all of that changed when she asked him to divorce her. I told him about how I'd found out that my ex had been investing our money and made a substancial amount of money over the years and how we went without a lot of the basic necessities because he was a very greedy man, I told him that my ex was a little strange when it came to sexual activity, my marraige had little to none also and I told him that I was in for a huge fight with my ex.
We talked all night long and I can't explain why but I did something completely out of character for me, we slept together that night. I was very shy, I'd only had 2 partners in my life and he was very bold and creative and it was the best sex I ever had. From that point on we saw each other nearly every day, with the exception of a few times that we couldn't see each other because he had things to deal with and had to meet with his ex. I would get very irritated when he'd go to see her and several times tried to break it off with him because I felt that one of us deserved his undivided attention. When the subject of whether or not he was still sleeping with her came up I told him I didn't want to talk about it, I was already terribly infatuated with him and had even told him that I was begining to feel love feelings towards him. I told him that "if he had sex with her not to come back to me for sex, that day or the next day or the next".
Because his youngest was 8 and my boys were 15 & 16 and could stay up later we began spending more evenings at his house than at mine. I began to notice a patern on some nights that he would rush me out at around 11:00 p.m., It didn't take long to figure out that it was because the ex would drop their oldest son back off after work at 11:30 and he didn't want any confrontation with her. I accepted that for a little while and then one night about 3 1/2 months after we had started seeing each other I got suspicious and drove to his house at 2:00a.m. and found her car in the driveway. The next afternoon I showed up at his house and asked him if he'd slept with her the night before and his reply was "as a matter of fact, I did".
I was devestated, by this ytime it wasn't just infatuation or the start of love feelings, I was in love with him. He told me that it wasn't his intention to hurt me. I said goodbye with the intention of never seeing him again and I left. A couple of days later I missed him so badly that I called and we spent another evening talking all night, he reminded me of the things I'd said about not sleeping with her then me, and that I didn't want to know if they were. Problem was i was so in love with him that I didn't think he was or would. We were together nearly every night and I couldn't figure out when it was happening.
That is when I discovered that she was sleeping at his house, sometimes in his bed after work rather than drive all the way home. At the time I thought I was going to be able to deal with it and I let it drop. We got closer and closer, he promised that it was over between her and him, she ambushed us one night about 6 months into our relationship by parking in the backyard and waiting for us to return from a date. When we got home she stormed into the house screaming something about wanting her husband back, he was her soulmate and wanting to die in his arms. I went and hid into the bathroom partly because I was scared but mostly because I couldn't bear to hear this woman telling this man that I was so in love with how he was her soulmate. She demanded that he make a choice and I'd finally had enough so I came out of the bathroom and told him "she's right, it's time to make a choice".
He walked over to me kissed me on the lips and I thought he was actually saying goodbye to me but then he said, "there you have it Laura, you are my choice". I moved into his home the following week and put my home up for rent. She kind of got the message that I was here and she backed off for a while. One day she called me and asked me out for coffee and i figured since I was a part of her childrens lives she should get to know me so I went. It was a 6 hour meeting that went from her telling me how bad he was to how good he was, how she repeatedly cheated on him and how he couldn't possibly love me, he was using me for my money, as a nanny to his kids a housekeeper and cook. It was a nightmare for me but I held myself together so she would see that I wasn't going to just back down. a week or so later she wanted to meet again, I told Steven that I didn't think I could do it but he asked me to go again and record it this time, I did 3 more times. Our last conversation she demanded that I be moved out by the next morning.
I couldn't and I didn't, instead Steven called her and told her to knock it off, and he informed her that he loved me and there was a possibility that we'd be getting married someday. She had a nutty and showed up at our home at 11:00 p.m. screaming obscenities, begging him to take her back, etc. It got really ugly. Shortly thereafter I began questioning why she wasn't paying her court ordered child support and he made her start paying $400.00 of the $550.00 she is supposed to pay, she was almost $9,000.00 in arrears at that point. We had a very unique living arrangement, me, him and our 5 children living in 1 home, I was buying all the food and paying for the kids extra's like band trips, entertainment, etc and I would occasionally pay a bill, he paid all of the other bills. We were all very happy and the only complaint I had was the infrequency of our sexual activity.
At this point I was still waiting for my divorce to become final, my ex was dragging it out because he didn't want to give up half of the money. Through all the time we were living together we talked about adding on to the house, making improvements, paying off the mortgage and his credit card bills, buying a bigger vehicle that would seat all of us etc... I had no problem with it at the time. One day, I don't even know why, I woke up and it dawned on me that what he'd been doing in the very begining of our relationship was cheating and I became very angry. Thinking back I think I was becoming sexually frustrated, we were having sex about once a week, and it was always in the middle of the night when i was too tired to enjoy it. It dawned on me that not too far back he was getting sex fropm 2 women and now hardly any. He knew I was in love with him and still was sleeping with both of us.
We had a weekend from hell after that, it was like I'd been hit by a ton of bricks, I had put it out of my mind for so long I didn't even know where it was coming from. I started questioning myself, why would he be willing to take my money but refuses to ask her for the child support in its entirety, why he allowed her to stay in arrears, etc. Then he asked me to marry him, my divorce became final and I was free to marry if i wanted, I said yes. We were married 2 weeks ago, I thought a magic spell would be cast and all would be well., but it is not. Now the bills are ours and I am helping to pay them as well as buying all the food, entertainment and various other expenses in the house. He tells me that if i want to put up my money, that is fine, it would make our lives easier but he's not after my money. He apologizes for hurting me by sleeping with both of us but his excuse is that he tried to be honest with me and he was really f*#cked up from his divorce. He reminds me of the things I said about not wanting to talk about it.
He says we weren't in a committed relationship at the time and it wasn't untilt he night that she ambushed us that he's made a committment to me. Steven does work, and he works hard, he's worked hard all his life and nothing has come easy for him. It isn't that I'm greedy I just don't want to be used. When we talk he has all the right answers, and I feel like an idiot. I feel like an idiot for not being more specific when it came to them sleeping together, it was simply a matter of symantics, I meant don't come looking for sex from me if you're having it with her. I feel like an idiot for bringing up the child support issue, really it isn't my business except for the fact that I am paying for things for her kids that is her responsibility. Last night he said she is paying the same thing that my ex is paying in child support, the only difference is my ex is paying for his 2 kids and she is supposed to be paying for her 3, then he brought up the fact that one of her kids is only 8 and it doesn't cost as much to raise an 8 year old.
His middle son needed $100.00 today to be paid on his band trip, I've already paid $200.00 of it so i told him to call his mom, she refused and said that is what child support is for. in their divorce agreement she is supposed to pay child support and half of those kinds of expenses. Steven doesn't want the whole your kids, my kids thing so when one gets something I have to give to all of them and seriously I wouldn't mind except for the fact that she tells the kids not to listen to me, tells them things about me that aren't true and in all honesty it is HER responsibility to pay half. I don't mind paying our half but when I am paying for ALL of it, I am taking away from my own children. Personally, I know he isn't sleeping with her anymore, I think he is afraid of her. He talks about going after her for the child support but he doesn't follow through. When she broke into our house on the date of what would have been their anniversay and left a bracelet under my pillow and tore up a leather bound book I'd given him, he decided to dust the book for fingerprints with flour, I think because he knew I'd had enough and he knew "dusting it with flour" would destroy her fingerprints.
The police found no fingerprints on the book. When she killed nearly all of my chickens and my rabbit he had me purchase another surveillance camera to put up outside but it is still in the box in his utility room. When she broke in and threw all of the pennies from the penny jar all over our bedroom, when she broke in and went through my clothing and broke other items that I'd given him, he made excuses. I have her on tape admitting to breaking things in our house but he won't give that to the police. I was going to put my 8 acres of land and my 4 bedroom home in both of our names because I've decided to sell it but when I asked him if he was going to put my name on the home we live in once we sell my home and use the money to pay this house off, he said no. He tells me that he can always tell me to GTFO, get the F--ck out. There are so many little problems and even huge problems that we have. I am still very much in love with Steven, I want our marraige to work. I also know that there are a lot of things that have happened that I hate him for but I still love him. I missed him terribly when I ended it with him over sleeping with her. that's why I asked him to take me back.
I can't imagine a day without him and his children in my life. I love them all. I just don't know what the right thing to do is. I can't take him craning his neck to see if she's at home or at work every time we drive by her road or her work. If he is still in love with her, I'd let him go, I'd be unhappy but I'd let him go. I'd rather had just given him all of my money than have him marry me for it. My first husband married me for a reason, to keep his being gay a secret, I don't want to be married again for a "reason" other than I am loved by my spouse. O:k, your turn, what to do, what would you do.
Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings even if you think I'm a fool, this fool is asking for your input. There is so much more that I went into in my first post that I didn't go into in this one only because I am exhausted by this so if you want to know morof the craziness it is all written there. I also want to say that this post is being printed along with the replies I get so I can show him. I suggested that I needed someone to talk to and he said "friends will give me bad advice and counselors sometimes make things worse". We live in a very small community so I can't just talk to anyone without him thinking I aired my dirty laundry in public so maybe this will help both of us. Laura
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 6th November 2006 at 4:22 PM..
I've been very candid with you in your other threads, and I'll be candid again. I think you should get an annulment and get as far away from this man and his family as you can. You should never have married him in the first place.
There is nothing good that's going to come of this - the end of your marriage is just a matter of time, whenever you can gain some strength and the nerve to stand up for yourself and your children. Your kids are the ones who will suffer most if you stay in this bad relationship.
You rebounded from your previous marriage into this relationship when you obviously weren't strong enough to expect better for yourself. When you found out he was still sleeping with his ex and left, you should have stayed gone and never, ever called him again. But you were too weak to do so because you never took the time to get over your divorce. I'm sure had you done that, you wouldn't have found this guy so compelling, and you never would have gone into denial about his cheating.
Now, you've got a psycho ex-wife, you've got financial obligations that aren't yours and that could jeopardize yours and your children's future, you've got a man who won't add you to the title even if you pay off the mortgage, and you don't entirely know whether he's truly committed to you or to his ex-wife. In any case, you're miserable and your kids are walking on eggshells around the house waiting for the powder keg to blow. Your husband will not stand up to his ex wife or do anything after she killed your animals and broke into your house.
I fail to see how anything is going to get better here, not when you are incapable of holding your ground, and not when your husband is incapable of truly being a partner to you.
You deserve much better. My advice would be to end this marriage immediately and then stay away from dating and men until you regain your confidence, your self-esteem, and start to expect better from people who "love" you.
Oh Laura, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. ( I read your last post too)
I really don't have any great advice. I would consider a trial seperation until he "truly" makes up his mind to support YOU emotionally, even if it hurts her, or until you find out he is not, and simply will never be, over her.
But I'm not you, and I might be letting pride get in the way of love.
As far as him actually SAYIng that he likes the option of telling you to GTFO, that is unaccaptable and does not sound like a loving marraige.
in my past relationships I have always given too much, and only regret it when they end. Try and protect yourself financially if ONLY for the sake of your children ( sometimes we can do things for our "kids mom", that we can't do for ourselves !!)
Try and see things objectively, get away for a few days if you can. Whatever happens you WILL live through this.
I've been very candid with you in your other threads, and I'll be candid again. I think you should get an annulment and get as far away from this man and his family as you can. You should never have married him in the first place.
There is nothing good that's going to come of this - the end of your marriage is just a matter of time, whenever you can gain some strength and the nerve to stand up for yourself and your children. Your kids are the ones who will suffer most if you stay in this bad relationship.
You rebounded from your previous marriage into this relationship when you obviously weren't strong enough to expect better for yourself. When you found out he was still sleeping with his ex and left, you should have stayed gone and never, ever called him again. But you were too weak to do so because you never took the time to get over your divorce. I'm sure had you done that, you wouldn't have found this guy so compelling, and you never would have gone into denial about his cheating.
Now, you've got a psycho ex-wife, you've got financial obligations that aren't yours and that could jeopardize yours and your children's future, you've got a man who won't add you to the title even if you pay off the mortgage, and you don't entirely know whether he's truly committed to you or to his ex-wife. In any case, you're miserable and your kids are walking on eggshells around the house waiting for the powder keg to blow. Your husband will not stand up to his ex wife or do anything after she killed your animals and broke into your house.
I fail to see how anything is going to get better here, not when you are incapable of holding your ground, and not when your husband is incapable of truly being a partner to you.
You deserve much better. My advice would be to end this marriage immediately and then stay away from dating and men until you regain your confidence, your self-esteem, and start to expect better from people who "love" you.
... after reading that post.. i think im gonna need glasses... USE PARAGRAPHS...
and after reading all that...all I can say is... What norajane said... Dito...!!
I've said all I'm going to say on this. Go back and read your last thread if you want my advice. I'm actually the person who first suggested an annulment. This marriage will bring nothing good to you or to your children's lives.
Your husband is a weak man. Remember I told you that my husband immediately put the house in my name as well, right after we were married? I didn't even ask him or think about it!
And sorry but the ex doesn't get to walk away from her financial responsibility just because she pays child support. She STILL has to pony up on the extras. That's the way it works.
What kind of man is your husband? He's not a MAN in MY book! If he's so hard-working why can't he pay for his kids? Where is his money going and what kind of way is that to talk to his WIFE of TWO WEEKS?
You got yourself a REAL loser. Leave him for you and your kids' sakes and build a life on your own for awhile. And PLEASE try to have higher standards in the man you choose next.
Good luck with the annulment. If ever there was a case of something NOT meant to be this HAS to be it. Sorry, for that but it's the truth as I see it.
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“There's no thrill in easy sailing when the skies are clear and blue, there's no joy in merely doing things which any one can do. But there is some satisfaction that is mighty sweet to take, when you reach a destination that you never thought you'd make”
You can make a new post after new post but sorry my stance won't change. I know it's not what you want to hear but he still has feelings for her and you are sharing him. This is *not* a healthy relationship and you are being used.
I know how lonely life can be out there, but honestly being single would be a blessing to get out of that situation. You may love him but he's not returning the love fully and as long as she's in the picture he won't.
If you stay with him, honestly what do you think will happen in the next 3 years? Where do you honestly see yourself with him at that time? IMO you would still be in the same mess, only involved more deeply. In the mean time your kids are dealing with this as well.
You were dealt a bad hand in regards to your ex and this new guy. Though that doesn't mean your a bad person. I just think you need to chalk this upto experience and move on. IMO God's plan wasn't for you to be staying with this guy, you're not getting what you need out of this marriage.
I thought a magic spell would be cast and all would be well.
Oh ye gods. Please say you're just kidding. Whether or not you believed marriage was magical, you see now that it's not. You marry a person because you like the person as he is, not because you think he'll magically change into who you want him to be.
You made a mistake in marrying him. You're making a worse one by staying with him.
If you say you want the truth, and others have already told you all this, then why haven't you ditched him yet?
You don't need to be going ~ you need to be gone from this relationship. You've re-bounded into this marriage from your previous relationship, and what is exactally going to happen as time goes by, is your going to regain your self condidence, self asteem ~ and you're going to come to resent Steven, and then as still more time goes by that resentment is going to to turn to haterd, and then further down the line ~ loathing.
WTF? Your suppose to sell your four bedroom house, and nine acres of land and put it toward paying off his mortgage and credit card debt ~ WHAT ARE YOU? FREAKING NUTS! NO FREAKING WAY!!!!!!!!! And then to top that one ~ he's not going to put put your name on the mortgage? Well, Hell, I've got some oceasfront property in Arizona if you think that's a good deal?
And, then he doesn't want to "man-up" and deal with the looney-tune, Daffy Duck of an XW, who's $9K in arrears and paying only one fifth of her monthly child support, not to mention half of her children's expenses.
And, then ever so Mr. Romanitc says he likes the option of telling you to GTFO in the future, ~ when? After you've sold your house and land, paid off his mortgage and other bills, all the money is gone? And, then he moves Ms. Looney Tunes back in on your dime? What are you thinking? This guys using you! Bigtime, and what is all the more he's probally setting you up for a stooge pegion. If I were you, I take what yo wrote at the beginning of this tread, and cut and paste it into a word file, so two years from now you can change the wording to the past tense, and post it as a new thread about how your 2nd STBXH screwed you out of house, home, money, and now you and your children are out in the streets.
DUMP THIS CLOWN! THIS LOSER! THIS MOUSE!
DON'T BE GOING ~ BE GONE!!!!
RUN LIKE NO OTHER!
If you don't, you're nothing more than being neglectful to yourself, your personal welfare and that of your children.
And, when you print it out don't buy into "I'll change" this guy doesn't have a pair, lacks any intestinal fortitude, (no guts), and is seriously lacking in personal integrity and accountablity.
Let me tell how this should be going.
1. He should put you name on the deed to his house before you sell your house and land.
2. He should be paying off his own personal debts, that he acquired before the marriage.
3. He should dragg the XW back into court and make her pay the full amount each month due in child support + arrears, plus half of their children's expenses.
4. He should take out a RO on the XW and put up survallence cameras, and have a security system installed.
5. He should have her butt thrown in jail if she violates any of the court orders.
6. You should sit down and work up the household budget, Totally it up, and then total up your and his income combined. Divide indivdually yours and his income. That will give you a percentage. For argument's sake, say a 45/55 % split. That's how much of your income goes toward the household expenses. What is left is your money to do with as you see fit and proper, to spend on and provide for your chilidren. If you as you said earn more than he does, this will free up more of his money to spend on his children.
5.
__________________
I may not be perfect! But, parts of me are pretty awesome, and I'm working on the rest!
O:k so I've read everyones replies, Lord knows I'm not feeling any better but thank you for your advice. You are right jmargel, I could add to my post every day, some days bad things and some days good things and it probably wouldn't change your mind at all about him one way or the other. Hell, if I could stop flip flopping between being mad at him and being head over heels in love with him, everything between us would be fine and I know I'd be better off.
See, everyones first response is telling me to leave, run dont walk and that would be the easy way out. Got a problem, run. I don't want to leave I want to make my marraige work and there HAS to be a way to MAKE it work because I love him. Gunny, I like your ideas.....No I love your ideas and yes that is how it should work.
Yaeh, I met Steven at a really bad time in my life, the timing couldn't have been worse for either of us. Him because he wasn't over his ex-wife and me because I just wanted a "normal" life again and someone to love and love me back. Maybe if another year had passed before we met, things would be different. I do love him though......I don't think I settled for the first man who came along.
One of our biggest issues is that we don't want to blame each other for things that our former spouses did to us and i think we both try to do that.
I hate making excuses for someone and some of you are going to think I am making excuses for him right now. I am not, but I am also not looking for an easy way out, I am simply looking for a way to fix this mess we have created.
Steven is not your average guy, he grew up VERY poor, the youngest of 6 kids to a single mom. He married young to his first wife, I think he was 17 and for some reason it ended very early on. His second wife, the crazy ex!!! He also married her very young, she was pregnant when they married and he says he married her because he was "honor bound". From what I understand she really couldn't stand him. She has a degree in psychology and he has a 9th grade education. I think she always thought of herself as better than him.
Steven spent 17 years married to this woman, they had 3 children together but in those 17 years they both tell me that very few of them were good years. She withheld sex as a "punishment", kept him buried in debt with imaginary illnesses, underminded anything he said to his children, used him as a meal ticket and was even physically abusive to him. Lets just say, it wasn't a good marraige but I think he stuck it out because he felt like his own father deserted him as a child and I think after spending so many years with her he did love her.
2 years before they divorced he rolled a fire truck on his way to what he thought was a house fire, turned out it was a brush fire, anyhow, he was badly broken up, the doctors only gave him 6 hours to live. His internal injuries healed and it took him nearly a year to walk again. Once he was better she began her affairs and there were many, by her own admission, and eventually she just decided she wanted a divorce.
I came along a little over a year after their divorce was final, for a short time they had tried to repair their marraige and possibly give it one more try. unfortunately, she has a very narcissistic personality and she thinks the entire world revolves around her. He claims that he was really messed up in the head and would tell me that all the time. If I knew what it was about him that made me so infatuated, I'd tell you. I don't even know, there is just something about him. I decided every time to stick it out and show him that I wasn't going to be chased off by her and I wasn't going to run at the first sign of a problem.
He messed up big time by still sleeping with her after we became more serious, he pays for it daily because I have not come to terms with it yet and we fight about it a lot. He says if he had it to do over again, that wouldn't have happened. I think of sex a little bit different than he does and he doesn't see it as too big of a deal. I think as his only defense all he can do is tell me it is in the past and to shake it off. To me that "past" was our future and it isn't as easy as just shaking it off.
As far as her child support issue, I honestly think he is afraid she will try to take the kids away from him. A few weeks ago we had child protective services here accusing me of being a drug user (I have never, ever used drugs) and accusing me of being a burgular. Though they couldn't tell us who called, there were things they were accusing me of that would have only come from her such as, I don't really live here but I would try to say that I do. My guess is to take any focus off of him and his kids. Two days later I found marijuana in my jewelry box so I took it to the police to have it tested and it really was pot. At that point she had no idea we were about to get married so that really backfired on her, that and the fact that my drug screen came back negative.
Yeah, when it comes to her he hasn't got a set. She is so convincing, she even had me fooled for a short while that I was the crazy one and she is sane.
The money, I am not stupid. It was easier to talk about paying off all of the bills and the mortgage until I actually had the money in hand, now not so easy. I probably would have paid the house off right away had I not asked him if he was going to put my name on the title of the house and his reply wasn't no. In all honesty, the house is all he's got and he is afraid he'll lose it.
His money goes to paying all the bills he aquired with her and since she left him. He paid for her to file bankruptcy, was paying for some of her rent, new tires, car insurance..etc, after she left. I had to make him take her off of his car ins. because I didn't want us to be liable if she got in an accident. Ultimately, it is my decision what and where I spend my money on. I may be ditzy but I'm not crazy.
Our issues with sex, I think because she withheld sex from him for so long, he is conditioned not to want it. That is something we will have to work through, I guess.
The kids, my kids love him and his kids love me. Yeah, his kids are getting a lesson in life that no child should ever have to deal with but my kids, not so much. I love his children and he loves mine. It isn't that I don't want to give to them but I also don't want to take away from mine.
I don't want to leave him, I love this man and I'm married to him. It would be so easy for me to leave but like I said, I'm not looking for an easy way out. I just want a normal life and a normal marraige. I took my vows very seriously and in those vows I promised for better or for worse. So here is the worse, I just don't know how to deal with it.
If there is a way I can get over the "cheating/not cheating, commitment/no commitment" thing, that will resolve the bulk of our problems. I just don't know how to make that one go away. The child support, when the kids start to suffer by not getting to do the things they want to do because "mommy dearest" thinks someone else should foot the bill, he'll get tired of telling them no and really all I have to do is not be the one to always pay for these things. Eventually, I am guessing he will tire of her leaving him holding the bag. It really isn't a question of where he spends his money, I see where his money goes, it is more a question of where she spends her money if she isn't giving to her children.
I know I sound wishy-washy and one of my posts I sound stupid and pathetic and the very next one I am explaining the dynamics of what is a dysfunctional relationship, in the hopes of making it functional. The main thing is I don't want to run, I want to stay and fight, after all, I am his wife.......
You still haven't answered my questions: What are you getting out of this marriage?
You might not want to give up, which I give you credit for, however it takes *two* to make the marriage work. By doing what he is doing, he's not working at it, just making things worse. Will he goto counseling? That will tell you alot right there if he says no to it.
So you have a man that allows his X to plant drugs on you?
He allows her to walk all over you.
He is the burglar...... taking you to the cleaners and quick.
For a guy with a 9th grade education he certainly is smart as all hell.
They are both working you over as a team, if it is a team by choice or not they are still together working you over.
Would you allow your X to do these things to your husband?
Either put your foot down and clearly state and enforce the rules of this marriage including all those things Gunny mentioned and more...... or pack and leave now.
Or your next thread will be: My H and his X are back together and I am living in a cardboard box with my kids.
__________________ MAY THE FORK BE WITH YOU -YOU TAKE THE FUN OUT OF DYSFUNCTIONAL!
You don't need to be going ~ you need to be gone from this relationship. You've re-bounded into this marriage from your previous relationship, and what is exactally going to happen as time goes by, is your going to regain your self condidence, self asteem ~ and you're going to come to resent Steven, and then as still more time goes by that resentment is going to to turn to haterd, and then further down the line ~ loathing.
WTF? Your suppose to sell your four bedroom house, and nine acres of land and put it toward paying off his mortgage and credit card debt ~ WHAT ARE YOU? FREAKING NUTS! NO FREAKING WAY!!!!!!!!! And then to top that one ~ he's not going to put put your name on the mortgage? Well, Hell, I've got some oceasfront property in Arizona if you think that's a good deal?
And, then he doesn't want to "man-up" and deal with the looney-tune, Daffy Duck of an XW, who's $9K in arrears and paying only one fifth of her monthly child support, not to mention half of her children's expenses.
And, then ever so Mr. Romanitc says he likes the option of telling you to GTFO in the future, ~ when? After you've sold your house and land, paid off his mortgage and other bills, all the money is gone? And, then he moves Ms. Looney Tunes back in on your dime? What are you thinking? This guys using you! Bigtime, and what is all the more he's probally setting you up for a stooge pegion. If I were you, I take what yo wrote at the beginning of this tread, and cut and paste it into a word file, so two years from now you can change the wording to the past tense, and post it as a new thread about how your 2nd STBXH screwed you out of house, home, money, and now you and your children are out in the streets.
DUMP THIS CLOWN! THIS LOSER! THIS MOUSE!
DON'T BE GOING ~ BE GONE!!!!
RUN LIKE NO OTHER!
If you don't, you're nothing more than being neglectful to yourself, your personal welfare and that of your children.
And, when you print it out don't buy into "I'll change" this guy doesn't have a pair, lacks any intestinal fortitude, (no guts), and is seriously lacking in personal integrity and accountablity.
Let me tell how this should be going.
1. He should put you name on the deed to his house before you sell your house and land.
2. He should be paying off his own personal debts, that he acquired before the marriage.
3. He should dragg the XW back into court and make her pay the full amount each month due in child support + arrears, plus half of their children's expenses.
4. He should take out a RO on the XW and put up survallence cameras, and have a security system installed.
5. He should have her butt thrown in jail if she violates any of the court orders.
6. You should sit down and work up the household budget, Totally it up, and then total up your and his income combined. Divide indivdually yours and his income. That will give you a percentage. For argument's sake, say a 45/55 % split. That's how much of your income goes toward the household expenses. What is left is your money to do with as you see fit and proper, to spend on and provide for your chilidren. If you as you said earn more than he does, this will free up more of his money to spend on his children.
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... after reading that post.. i think im gonna need glasses... USE PARAGRAPHS...
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