It makes a difference if you hear it from someone else?
A friend of mine was telling me the other day about something that worked for her and her husband and I was wondering if this has happened or worked for others?
Her and her husband have been married for 15 years. They have kids. Over the past few years they have had their share or bumps in the road just as all people do. They went through a difficult time not knowing where their marriage might end up. She told me that over the years she had told him and shown him what she felt HE needed to do in the marraige. What she wanted/needed from him. Because she felt he weasn't doing his part. After years of him not listening to her, and ignoring the things she told him, he finally went to talk with someone, a good friend of the family's about things. The friend told him basically the exact same things she (his wife) had told him for years. This friend had been married for like 40 years so I guess he had some knowledge of what a relationship was about.
However, the thing is, it seemed that when the family friend told him about what he needed to do, her husband listened. My friend can't figure out why after all these years of her telling him how she felt what she thought he should do, her being mad, crying etc etc, in steps a family friend and tells him the same things she told him and he listens? Don't get me wrong, its great he is finally coming around, but has that happned to others? You beat your head against the wall trying to tell or show your spouse what you need/want, etc. but then if they were to hear the exact same thing from someone else it made a difference to them then? Did it sink in because it came from someone different?
__________________ "Self-respect, is a question of recognizing that anything worth having has a price."
Sometimes when someone else says it, it makes more sense or is easier to hear.
Makes sense I guess. maybe too, it has something to do with the way its said to them? My friend said she tried to be nice to her husband when she would talk with him about things. But then it got to the point to where it went from being nice about it, to being firm to being mean, to crying since she felt at her wits end. And then in one blow another explains to him pretty much the way she did, and her husband finally gets it.
This friend had been married for like 40 years so I guess he had some knowledge of what a relationship was about.
We tend to trust the ones who have succeeded and want to learn from them. The quote in my signuature would have little power if it were said by an anonymous person. But if Trump says what the key of success is - you trust him.
Had that friend been divorced, that man wouldn't have trusted him.
__________________ If one can let go, one can move forward - Jerbear
Marriage is a community in which we resolve problems that we wouldn't have had if we were single - anonymous
Sometimes that works both ways when misery loves company.
Someone who is otherwise "trustworthy", say a best friend, or even a close relative, could encourage divorce when you are having problems because he himself is divorced. What if their motives are self-serving, meaning they think everyone should be divorced because they are divorced. What if they are jealous of you, or they dislike you, or maybe they resent you for some reason or another & they just want to hurt you.
Was the friend male or female? What was she asking for and what did the friend say that worked?
Women tend to communicate in ways that men find vague. He's not sure what she meant, so she feels she wasn't heard.
Then when a friend gives advice in specifics (either from the man or the woman specifically describing what they do in their marraige), it is in a form that the man can understand and then implement.
Well after much pushing with my H reading a couple of books and downloading info off the net is what turned him around.
See he did not want to admit to me that he was wrong because it was so important to him to have me love and admire him.
An outside source made the final door open to get him to realize that I indeed was telling him something legit and with value.
But if I did not press on he never would have cracked the book open or listened to another POV. Now he actually is listening to me and hearing and considering my view on things.
I think it is common to go into denial when a person you care about says "I am not happy with you".
This I suppose is the main reason MC works for so many when they fail on their own.
__________________ MAY THE FORK BE WITH YOU -YOU TAKE THE FUN OUT OF DYSFUNCTIONAL!
maybe too, it has something to do with the way its said to them?
Quote:
Timing
He went to the friend and asked for advice, so he was receptive to hearing what needed to be said.
Delivery
The friend probably told him in a matter of fact way - Versus a way that could be percieved as accusational nagging.
This is probably closer to what happened in my opinion.....it's not so much about who said it, as much as it is how it was said, when it was said....
Who knows the contents of the conversation.....
Quote:
Then when a friend gives advice in specifics (either from the man or the woman specifically describing what they do in their marraige), it is in a form that the man can understand and then implement.
I think we have a tendency at times...especially if we've been with our SO/spouse for a long time...to tune out what they have to say. It happens. My wife and I have been together for 13 years...married for 9. There's quite a few times where I've taken what she says for granted and perhaps tune her out to an extent. And there have been times where I've heard the same thing from a friend (male or female) and then it registers. Sometimes having that POV from the outside helps.
maybe too, it has something to do with the way its said to them?
I agree sometimes its not what is said, but the way its said. However I also think it can depend on the person. There are some people that no matter who says what to them, a spouse, a friend a relative, a counselor etc, to some people it falls on def ears reguardless of who says it to them or how. Maybe it also depends on how much the spouse really wants to change or wants things to work.
Jade
__________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
maybe too, it has something to do with the way its said to them?
I agree sometimes its not what is said, but the way its said. However I also think it can depend on the person. There are some people that no matter who says what to them, a spouse, a friend a relative, a counselor etc, to some people it falls on def ears reguardless of who says it to them or how. Maybe it also depends on how much the spouse really wants to change or wants things to work.
Jade
I think there are people that need to live or see it for themselves as well. You can explain until you are blue in the face how something works but they want to experience it themselves with their own take on it. Of course partially true, you can tell someone how fabu a particular rollercoaster is but until they have their own experience on it, well they won't get it. Perhaps they will not find it as Fabu as you did either............ you can only project your own experiences and feelings so far without taking into account other factors..
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