I seem to be running into the old "two steps forward ... (who knows how many) steps back and I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to handle this recurring problem (in many of my past relationships)?
Met this girl in person about 3-months ago, after literally a hundred pages of email, dozens of phone calls (it's a long-distance-relationship). We have gotten along great right from first contact, both of us were quite surprised how well we did hit it off and how much we missed each other after my (one week long) trip to visit her.
A month later she came to visit me, and not only did we continue where we'd left off - but we both realized that the first time was not a case of 'beginners luck' or what have you. We are both so crazy about each other that frankly - it's a little disconcerting and here in - lies the problem;
Almost EVERY time we seem to reach a new height (a great conversation, sharing of a deeper feeling/emotion, gain a new level of trust ... etc.) the very next contact, she recoils back a couple of steps ... saying things like "when I think about spending another week together and then having to part ways - it drives me crazy ... !" (inferring that she's NOT willing to go through the pain of saying goodbye, even though she wants to see me again and even though she knows we'd only grow closer).
I don't want to push because I know she'll recoil even more and yet I know backing-up too far will just reaffirm her underlying concern (which she's actually stated) which is - that I will leave her (broken-hearted).
... our conversations/text messages/emails are pretty regular but after a milestone type "I really care about you" kind of talks - she'll 'disappear' for an unusual amount of time - and then when she does contact me again it's the "I don't know if I can handle the risk of falling for you" kind of tone.
Today was this way AGAIN, and she writes "... all the uncertain variables between us makes me think that we are high-risk (for heartbreak)".
So when situations like this come up (and this won't be the last time I'm sure), which is the best way to handle it ? (Keeping in mind that she is the type that likes space to figure things out on her own - yet has a fear of me dumping her).
A) texting her a little note; "you know I'm always here for you babe ?!"
B) just give her space - no texts, no email, no calls till she contacts me ?
Any suggestions are appreciated - cuz I usually do the WRONG thing in these situations (as my dating history would indicate)
nothing major, but for example - last week; we talked on the phone for 2hours on Tues and Thurs, a text message/email at least once a day (each way) - before and between (all containing "thinking about you lots" or "why do you have to live so far away" or "I miss you")
Then our monumental conversation on Thursday, and I don't hear from her till this Tuesday (then with the "I don't know" tone to it).
saying u are always there for them when u have distance between each other might make her feel bad - like that is her fault [when it just distance] then she might worry that u will leave her because of that...make sense?
Dont panic but I have some doubts for you which need not to be true:
1) Arent you projecting your interest level on her? Because you are deeply in love doesnt mean she can be the same. Clouded judgment?
2) Is sex great? If there is no sex....hmmm....do you kiss at least? Dont underestimate physical connection...healthy girls are very sexual even if they say different. Are you a friend or lover?
3) Maybe she consider you being her lover....but not a LTR boyfriend.
4) Words of emotions 'Care for you, love you'....let her say it first. It is hollywood cliche that chicks love to hear it. Reality is different. Say it too early (which is before she says it) and you are clingy, needy, emotional, too hard pushing wussy in the back of her brain.
5) Shield your heart a little bit....she is evidently doing the same. 2 steps forward and one back. Want to kiss her....go for it....but dot try to kiss her avery five minute. Be independent.
I have been going through a lot of the same push/pull stuff with the guy I am seeing it can be really tough. Right now I am letting him contact me and that does seem to be working out fairly well, but I hate the waiting for that to happen.
Curious has she recently ended a long term relationship or anything?
My initial post wasn't (and still isn't) because I'm questioning the attraction, connection or sexual chemistry between us - because this is without a doubt - fantastic.
YES. She and I have GREAT sexual chemistry (I won't go into details here). Our kisses have always been tender, passionate and lingering (several times, tears were rolling down her cheek - afterwards !!). LOTS of hand holding across the table at a restaurant, LOTS of cuddling in bed, LOTS of looking deep into each others eyes ... etc. etc. etc.
YES. A year ago SHE ended a LTR, and she's said many times it hurt her so badly that she hasn't been interested in dating OR sex since - well ... UNTIL she met me !! I've been patient with her, and she knows it and appreciates it. In fact, just the other day, she asked me to (as she started to cry) "please be patient with me - I care so much about you - I'm scared I'm just going to end up disappointing you ..." To which I told her "... don't worry about me !" and then she said "... but I do worry about you - more than you know !"
She went on to inform me that she didn't want to be my "perfect for you NOW girl ..." and in a few months or even a few years - find out that she's no longer what I was looking for ... !!
She (29yrs old) is without a doubt the most tender-hearted girl I've ever dated (and at 35yrs old - I've dated enough to have plenty to compare her to). This is just ONE of the MANY things I like so much about her !!
I've never told her I LOVE her, but she does know that I do care deeply.
She asked a couple questions on another site recently;
about "High Risk Investments" and it went like this ---> "Do you think avoiding a relationship (letting yourself go, falling for someone) because you are afraid of getting (emotionally) hurt is a wise decision or a poor decision?"
Another question of hers was ---> "To what extent do you think a person controls whether or not and when they fall in love?"
I told her I'd seen them - and she openly admitted they were with regards to her and I.
My question about this has always JUST been about HOW to handle her ?
What is 'too much' patience, too much backing-off, what is considered 'not enough' ... etc. ?
You saying chemistry is great but you mention things that indicate that her Interest Level is not that high....was but it can go down, man.
OK. She is afraid of relationship. But is she afraid of relationship with you or any relationship? Maybe she is not sure.....which means no.
It might not be about you...maybe she has some emotional problems (like need for freedom) but whatever the reason, there is a problem.
The posting on internet and you finding it...it just stinks, man. She is evidently trying to tell you her interest lebel is going down....she has doubts.
For you most important think. Knowing this...stay cool, dont get too attached to her, dont act clingy or needy...let her come and if she does not come, forget her. It has to be your mindset...'I dont give a f@ck'
One more thing? Is she crying a lot? Depressed or moody?
One more thing...suggestion....She is not 18...tick tack...she might try that you propose. If she has doubts about you interest level.....girls are quite paranoid in these things.
I think I have had nearly identical conversations with the guy I am seeing and our interactions with each other are also very similar.
I wish I could give a definitive answer to your questions as I have been asking myself the same ones and I understand where you are coming from. Trying to find some sort of balance between backing off and showing you are being patient and that you care can be very difficult. Especially when you don't want to confirm for someone that you are eventually going to bail but you also want to protect yourself and your feelings from their confusion and mixed signals.
I actually disagree that her interest seems to be waning in any way (of course that is maybe because I don't want to believe that in my situation).
How long term a relationship did she recently end and how bad were the circumstances. She may be genuinely scared of getting involved again and the back and forth comes from her on the one hand caring for you and developing feelings for you and on the other trying to keep a distance based on her fear?
She has baggage (emtional issues) from her previous relationship. It's going to be like this for a while or even indefinately (where she keeps pulling back.) If you can handle the frustration, deal with it and move forward. If not, find someone else with less baggage.
MD
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