First time posting here. I'm a female and must confess I'm not very affectionate, however, when I met my hubby, he was very affectionate during the time we were dating. However, there's not much affection. We just got married about 8 months ago. We don't hardly hold hands anymore or give hugs. I "want" to be more affectionate, however, he doesn't initiate hardly any affection, therefore, I'm not even sure if he's attracted to me anymore. Could it be that because I don't initiate affection, that's because he doesn't initiate affection? Could it be because he's now immune to me not being affectionate and therefore, he's adjusted to the way I am? How can I get the affection that I want from my husband because I really do miss it.
Could it be that because I don't initiate affection, that's because he doesn't initiate affection?
Yes. There's only so many times a person can reach out without reciprocation. He's probably given up.
IF you want to receive affection, you have to give it. YOU be the one to reach out and hold hands. YOU be the one to give him a random kiss, to grab his butt when you walk past, to give little hugs for no reason. YOU start doing it, and he'll return the affection and start initiating it when he sees you want it.
I have to admit its hard to initiate affection. I think its because I don't feel my hubby is attracted to me anymore, therefore, I'm not making more effort. How can I easily start showing my hubby affection? Sometimes I think "I'll just walk up to him and give him a hug as I walk past him", but when I walk past him, I say nevermind. And then I feel sad because I miss his touch. I want to work on becoming more affectionate but I don't see him initiating affection, therefore, it stops me from trying. Do you think maybe he doesn't miss the affection? He gives my dog more affection than he does me.
He's probably thinking the same thing about you...gee, she never hugs me, or kisses me...I have to always be the one to touch her...maybe she's not attracted to me...she never reaches out to me...maybe she hates it when I touch her...what's the point?
He's more affectionate with the dog because the dog loves the attention and gives the affection back to him. The dog is always happy to see him and wiggles his tail and jumps into his arms and wants to play.
You, on the other hand, walk past him and won't hug him - as though he's a stranger!!
All you have to do is get it started a few times. He'll return your affection just like the dog returns his. What do you have to lose by hugging him? Do you really think things could get worse between you if you hugged him?
Probly stopped the affection because of you. I am not at all sending you a bad message. just to help you out maybe you can talk to him. tell him that you are not an affection kinda person but want to be. ask him to teach you. Yes I would say he has stopped because you are not that way. he has adjusted to you. Does this stem from childhood??
did you recive the affection from your parents better yet did you see them show affection? it is all in how you are raised and tought. if it is not a big deal in your childhood then it wont be in your marriage. On the flip side you could have been shown all that but have somethnig like rape or a person of the oppsite sex do something to you that will trigger not to be an affectionate person.
So, in words I am telling you to talk to your husband. you are so newly married that if you dont it will take its toll and then you will be divorced or unhappy. Belive me I am sure if it is like that a talk to him will help. I am sure that if he loves you enough he will jump on the fact you are so willing and want to be affection he will show you. tell him you are unsure of the hole thing and just want him to teach you.
Hope, sometimes you've just got to take matters into your own hands to get what you want. Even if you've not seen affection modeled by your parents (who are your first teachers) doesn't mean you don't have it in you to be affectionate. What do you want from your husband? More kisses? More hugs? More I love yous? Instead of missing what's not there, turn it around and be the one who demonstrates that affection you want. It will be hard, as you're not accustomed to being the affectionate one, but happily, it's something that is easily learned. Just have to practice, practice, practice. And I guarantee you that your husband will start reciprocating once he sees that you are not bothered by affection.
a little bit of personal history: Awhile back, I was teasing my husband about being so demonstrative about his affection, and I asked if he was like that when he was married before. See, because it has been my experience with him to be affectionate, I figured he was always like that, but he thought I was making fun of him because it *wasn't* like that in his earlier relationships. And I felt bad that he thought I was teasing when I only meant that I loved how open he's always been with me about his affection. So, I'm thinking that because I'm open to kissing and hugging and touching, he feels comfortable enough to reciprocate. Even in public
moral of the story is that sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone to make sure you continue getting the affection you want. And as long as you've got a willing partner (which your husband sounds like), you've got a win-win situation.
__________________ Get out there and rub a little sunshine on your face. – gunny376
Probly stopped the affection because of you. I am not at all sending you a bad message. just to help you out maybe you can talk to him. tell him that you are not an affection kinda person but want to be. ask him to teach you. Yes I would say he has stopped because you are not that way. he has adjusted to you. Does this stem from childhood??
did you recive the affection from your parents better yet did you see them show affection? it is all in how you are raised and tought. if it is not a big deal in your childhood then it wont be in your marriage. On the flip side you could have been shown all that but have somethnig like rape or a person of the oppsite sex do something to you that will trigger not to be an affectionate person.
So, in words I am telling you to talk to your husband. you are so newly married that if you dont it will take its toll and then you will be divorced or unhappy. Belive me I am sure if it is like that a talk to him will help. I am sure that if he loves you enough he will jump on the fact you are so willing and want to be affection he will show you. tell him you are unsure of the hole thing and just want him to teach you.
A few months ago, I did have a talk with him about my non-affectionate ways and the conversation went like this:
Me: I really would like to become more affectionate with you
Hubby: Why? You are not an affectionate person
Me: I want to overcome being unaffectionate. If I initiate holding hands, maybe you could give me a squeeze letting me know if you noticed and you like it, or maybe if I give you a hug maybe you could tell me "hey, that was nice".
Hubby: That would be too hard for me to do this
Me: Why?
Hubby: Being affectionate should come naturally. I shouldn't have to work so hard in getting you to be more affectionate just to make me happy.
There you have it. That's how our conversation went. However, I do have to admit, that when this conversation happened, it was during the time we were having an arguement. However, I still went away shocked, angry and hurt. Again, like I mentioned, this conversation was a few months back.
I must admit, I miss his touch. Last night when he got home from golfing, he dropped some stuff that he was carrying into the kitchen and then proceeded into the computer room to check his fantasy football scores. I was sitting on the couch hoping that he would give me a kiss since he hasn't seen me all day, but he didn't. Therefore, I went into the pc room and asked him "hey, where's my kiss and when he didn't respond, I said forget it. It then escalated into an arguement. The conversation went like this
Me: I was hoping after not seeing you, I could have gotten a kiss before you checked your score
Hubby: If you wanted a kiss, why didn't you just kiss me
Me: Because I kissed you this morning
Hubby: So, you are keeping track?
Me: Forget it. I'm going out
Hubby: I'm going out too
Me: You just got home
Hubby: So, you are going out, and I am too
After he left, I just stayed in. The reason why I wanted to go out, is I felt hurt that he didn't kiss me when he walked in. He was more interested in his football scores.
Today when I called him, we continued on with the arguement that we had last night.
Me: It would be nice if we could work things out together
Hubby: There's nothing to work out
Me: We are never on the same page. You don't even try to work things out
Hubby: I'm unhappy
Me: Therefore, the reason why you don't try is your unhappy. Do I really make you this miserable?
Hubby: No. Alot of it is me too. By the way, I do try
Me: You do? When?
Hubby: So are you saying I never try?
Because he's at work, we couldn't talk anymore. I just hung up. I don't know what to do. He won't go to counseling with me (yes, I have asked). This is his 3rd marriage. I want us to be happy in our marriage but I just don't know how.
A few months ago, I did have a talk with him about my non-affectionate ways and the conversation went like this:
Me: I really would like to become more affectionate with you
Hubby: Why? You are not an affectionate person
Me: I want to overcome being unaffectionate. If I initiate holding hands, maybe you could give me a squeeze letting me know if you noticed and you like it, or maybe if I give you a hug maybe you could tell me "hey, that was nice".
Hubby: That would be too hard for me to do this
Me: Why?
Hubby: Being affectionate should come naturally. I shouldn't have to work so hard in getting you to be more affectionate just to make me happy.
There you have it. That's how our conversation went. However, I do have to admit, that when this conversation happened, it was during the time we were having an arguement. However, I still went away shocked, angry and hurt. Again, like I mentioned, this conversation was a few months back.
I must admit, I miss his touch. Last night when he got home from golfing, he dropped some stuff that he was carrying into the kitchen and then proceeded into the computer room to check his fantasy football scores. I was sitting on the couch hoping that he would give me a kiss since he hasn't seen me all day, but he didn't. Therefore, I went into the pc room and asked him "hey, where's my kiss and when he didn't respond, I said forget it. It then escalated into an arguement. The conversation went like this
Me: I was hoping after not seeing you, I could have gotten a kiss before you checked your score
Hubby: If you wanted a kiss, why didn't you just kiss me
Me: Because I kissed you this morning
Hubby: So, you are keeping track?
Me: Forget it. I'm going out
Hubby: I'm going out too
Me: You just got home
Hubby: So, you are going out, and I am too
After he left, I just stayed in. The reason why I wanted to go out, is I felt hurt that he didn't kiss me when he walked in. He was more interested in his football scores.
Today when I called him, we continued on with the arguement that we had last night.
Me: It would be nice if we could work things out together
Hubby: There's nothing to work out
Me: We are never on the same page. You don't even try to work things out
Hubby: I'm unhappy
Me: Therefore, the reason why you don't try is your unhappy. Do I really make you this miserable?
Hubby: No. Alot of it is me too. By the way, I do try
Me: You do? When?
Hubby: So are you saying I never try?
Because he's at work, we couldn't talk anymore. I just hung up. I don't know what to do. He won't go to counseling with me (yes, I have asked). This is his 3rd marriage. I want us to be happy in our marriage but I just don't know how.
My wife and i were in the exact same boat when we met. I must admit that my attitude has become somewhat close to your husband's.
i agonized over why my wife wasn't 'naturally' affectionate, while i was. at the same time, it felt emasculating for the man to be initiating and craving physical touch. After a point, i just numbed out my need for physical affection.
and yes, i have brought it up to her before and she does try. unfortunately, i don't always feel like reciprocating anymore the way i would have years ago....
I commend you for trying to work things out, but in my opinion your communication needs to be worked on:
Quote:
Hubby: If you wanted a kiss, why didn't you just kiss me
Me: Because I kissed you this morning
Hubby: So, you are keeping track?
Me: Forget it. I'm going out
This is not constructive communication. IMO, responses like that are guaranteed to cause the conversation to crash and burn.
If you wanted a kiss why didn't you kiss him? And don't say because he kissed you in the morning. If you want a kiss, go get one. Like I've pointed out before. Men are not mind-readers. Maybe he has become so used to the lack of affection that kissing you simply did not cross his mind. If you feel love for your husband affection should come naturally....
__________________
"We swallow greedily any lie that flatters us, but we sip only little by little at a truth we find bitter."
-Diderot-
Last edited by MrDarcy; 23rd October 2006 at 9:21 PM..
My wife wasn't very affectionate either, but things have improved over the years.
However, my advice to you is to start small. Start by just gracing him when you walk past. Just slide your hand casually along his back or across his shoulder. Just kinda letting him know you're there.
Don't go straight for holding his hand. Maybe start by holding his arm gently, or walking arm in arm....
My wife and i were in the exact same boat when we met. I must admit that my attitude has become somewhat close to your husband's.
i agonized over why my wife wasn't 'naturally' affectionate, while i was. at the same time, it felt emasculating for the man to be initiating and craving physical touch. After a point, i just numbed out my need for physical affection.
and yes, i have brought it up to her before and she does try. unfortunately, i don't always feel like reciprocating anymore the way i would have years ago....
Hubby? 'Zat You?
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I'm not a naturally affectionate person either. I tried to be and for a while I was -- when I was dating. Up until recently I would have to remind myself ot pat his shoulder or arm when we were in the car - or give his heat a pat or squeeze his hand when I would walk by him, etc. It became habit rather than affection and then it became nothing as I just got tired of it and we got tired of each other. Affection without sincerity is pathetic.
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