Hi I originally posted this is second chances - but I think this forum would be better. (Sorry - I'm new)
My partner (S) and I have been together for 20 years, we have no children. When we met we were both married. I divorced my wife in 2 years whereas S took 4 years to leave her husband. Since we have been together I believe she has been constantly disloyal, whereas she believes that while she has made some mistakes her behaviour is not that unusual.
This is some of the stuff I have had to put up with.
(1) keeping in contact with an ex lover in a VERY friendly way by phone and letter. She stopped when I told her, but I had to tell her to stop.
(2) having sex with her husband after she had sex with me. Again I had to tell her to stop, she didn't do it voluntarily.
(3) After 10 years together she tells me she fancies one of our friends and was looking forward in anticipation to see him again. She says nothing happened between them (not even a friendly hug). I believe her but she fancied someone else when she was with me ! Again I made her break all contact with him, so now I have lost a friend.
(4) last year after 20 years together she starts flirting with one of our friends who had just split up from his partner. She won't cuddle me in his company because she says it is rubbing it in his face that he is alone and we are together. I say it just makes her look available and like a tart.
(5) Now she has decided that it is NORMAL for her to go out socially without me, either with girl friends or even with our male friends if i am not around. In 20 years she has never gone out without me - why suddenly change now ? Anyway I have told her that if she does go it will be the last thing that she does - her clothes will be on the doorstep.
I have always put up with this behaviour from her. Sometimes I get angry with her disloyalty, and I must confess I have hit her more than once. But she accepts it is because she has done wrong and made me angry. But after 20 years of it I am beginning to wonder if I have been a fool to stick with her.
We were on the verge of splitting up several times last year, but each time I gave her another chance. Was I right? Would anyone else put up with this sort of behaviour ?
Since we have been together I believe she has been constantly disloyal, whereas she believes that while she has made some mistakes her behaviour is not that unusual.
You both were disloyal to your previous spouses.......
Why did you stay married to this woman for 20 years if you were so unhappy? You're both fools because you've put up with it and her for sticking around and putting up with abuse.
Get a divorce because life isn't going to change UNLESS you're both willing to go to marriage counselling together and also you need some anger management treatment. There is NO EXCUSE to hit your wife.
whichwayisup - you ask why I stayed. I loved this woman with all my heart, and she made me believe that she loved me too. I would have died for her, but she seems to be doing her best to kill our relationship.
I know it's no excuse but when I am hurt I get angry and at times the anger becomes physical. It is almost 5 years since I last hit her. Somtimes when we argue she still makes me angry enough to feel like lashing out but I am controlling it.
Am I wrong to feel so betrayed and hurt by her actions?
day after day
alone on the hill
the man with a thousand faces
standing perfectly still
but no-one ever sees him
cuz they know what he's gonna do
and he never gives an answer
but the fool on the hill
sees the sun going down
and the eyes in his head
sees the world spinning round
WATCHING THE RIVER FLOW(Words and Music by Bob Dylan)1971, 1976 Big Sky MusicWhat's the matter with me,I don't have much to say,Daylight sneakin' through the windowAnd I'm still in this all-night caf.Walkin' to and fro beneath the moonOut to where the trucks are rollin' slow,To sit down on this bank of sandAnd watch the river flow.Wish I was back in the cityInstead of this old bank of sand,With the sun beating down over the chimney topsAnd the one I love so close at hand.If I had wings and I could fly,I know where I would go.But right now I'll just sit here so contentedlyAnd watch the river flow.People disagreeing on all just about everything, yeah,Makes you stop and all wonder why.Why only yesterday I saw somebody on the streetWho just couldn't help but cry.Oh, this ol' river keeps on rollin', though,No matter what gets in the way and which way the wind does blow,And as long as it does I'll just sit hereAnd watch the river flow.People disagreeing everywhere you look,Makes you wanna stop and read a book.Why only yesterday I saw somebody on the streetThat was really shook.But this ol' river keeps on rollin', though,No matter what gets in the way and which way the wind does blow,And as long as it does I'll just sit hereAnd watch the river flow.Watch the river flow,Watchin' the river flow,Watchin' the river flow,But I'll sit down on this bank of sandAnd watch the river flow.
This reminded me of a funny Mad TV comedy skit. A troubled young couple goes to a marriage counsellor. The doctor talks with an indian accent, he learned to talk listening to western music. He gives them marital advice quoting lyrics to love songs.
"Doctor, my wife doesnt love me like she used to..."
All you need is love my friend. Love makes the world go round!
INDEED! i am enjoying this and taking it light hearted because i have to go to work in 20 minutes and this is it for my online banter-ramas. i came on early and posted my 'OUT OF BUSINESS' sign - so not much point in this...gonna focus on some other keeno hobbies!
cut and pasted this little gem from a site called - frustrated.com
"i'm sitting here feeling really frustrated about this and i'm wondering if anyone else out there knows how to deal with this. i am NOT looking for pity or sympathy here, looking for people to share my opinion (or challenge it) and offer some advice. is this really more of a talking site then a meeting site? i find lots of people just want to chat online but not talk in person. i try to treat online socialization as i would talking to someone face to face, so i chat with people that i would actually talk to in person. yet i'm finding these people who talk to me regularly walk past me on the street and never say anything almost just as regular lol. do most of you find that you just talk to people online with the intention of actually meeting them and talking to them in person or is it just random 'chit chat' and killing some boredem? And does everyone think online chatting, using false identities is better than actually talking with someone in real life? I prefer this way. Anyone else feel the same? "
Your feelings are not wrong, but you share half of the blame for this problem. I think you should talk to her and then the both of you can make this decision together. She may or not be deceitful. She may be trying to escape the abuse in an exit affair. You said "SHE IS DOING HER BEST TO KILL OUR RELATIONSHIP" I think that is accurate.
oh la la...sounds juicy...i love it when things really get into crisis mode...thats the 'rush' you just don't get in a boring old long term relationship....
details!
[not trying to minimize someone's real struggle or pain...just lighting up the mood people] ducks from the crowd throwing tomatooooooooooos!
i'm here every tuesday thru thursday - and remember to tip heavily..
I have no reason to suspect she is having an affair, it's just that she doesn't seem dedicated to the relationship. So many things have happened over the years that I feel I can't take any more. Maybe each one is small, but all together it is too much for me to cope with.
We do talk by the way. We talk for hours, but we have very different ways of dealing with these issues. She says I should deal with the old stuff and forget it (or file it away somewhere) and that bringing up the same stuff for 10 or 15 years is not the right way to solve problems.
I say that until we talk it through and I get a proper explanation for all her actions then I can't forget it and when she won't talk it's like brushing it under the carpet till next time.
How can I make her understand that she is hurting me? If she would just behave like a normal human being then we would be alright. You don't get through 20 years together on thin air - there is a bond between us - it's just strained to its limit.
Been there - done that, but with my first wife. She broke up our marriage by having an affair and I had to listen to the counsellor telling us week after week after week how hard done by my wife was, how wonderful women are and how awful men are.
Can't see me going back there in a hurry.
S would though - she thinks she will get some justification for her actions. She thinks the counsellor will tell her all her thoughts and actions are normal - part of the rough and tumble of everyday life, and all the problems come from me because I'm over-protective/jealous/non-trusting.
I probably am, but I haven't had any evidence to suggest that I should behave any differently.
This woman, your wife, isn't your previous wife...And, seeing as you met your present wife by cheating (and your current wife met you while cheating on her first husband) there is a pattern there.
GO to marriage counselling, if it means saving your marriage, DO IT.
All things aside, your anger IS an issue. Hitting your wife IS an issue. Her cheating on you is wrong, and lying about it is wrong. You both need help because if you don't change things, the marriage won't last long.
Thank you for that. S always denies she has cheated on me. It is good to see that someone else thinks she is a cheat. She claims flirting is not cheating, nor is fancying someone. To her it has to be at least kissing or probably full sex before she calls it cheating, and as she has not done that she does not think she has cheated.
(yes i know she slept with her husband while she was still married and having an affair with me - but was she cheating him or me???? It went on far longer than I would have liked but once they seperated she never saw him except for legal reasons)
By the way we are not married - we have just been together a long time. We have no children, so in some ways it would be "easy" to walk away, but I'd be walking away from good things too.
I'll think again about a counsellor, but I will need some convincing.
Last edited by Mr A M; 16th October 2006 at 6:15 PM..
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