Many of you know my long sordid story about me and my ex. I'm starting to get confused with his actions.
We tried to get back together 3 times in the last 13 days. I never called him once, he's always come to me, or phoned me. But he wanted it his way, to stay in contact with his ex. so it didn't work out.
I have told him over and over again that i can't continue this relationhsip if h'es still talking to his ex. He choose to be friends with her. Said that he thought i was important enough at first, but then decided against it b/c no one tells him what to do.
Well, i think he missunderstood me. I asked him to put distance between them so we could work things out. He thinks i want him to end the friendsip.
But why does he keep calling me and coming over? He knows that i'm not going to back down on this, well maybe he hopes that i will? I WON"T THOUGH, i can't.
What I don't understand is that even after Sundays conversation whick ended with him walking out with out a goodbye, because i was harsh, angry and told him to leave:
Saturday (we were back together) He accidentally called me # trying to call her after telling me he hasn't talked to her. I was furious and wouldn't talk to him, he tried calling 9x after that.
Sunday he came over and wanted to explain himself. I told him to go to her. He said he didn't want her, i said well if you don't then leave her alone and come home.
He said no. I said "then leave". He left.
Then out of the blue yesterday he calls me at home at lunch and asked me if i went to my appointment, i said no.
5 minutes later he was at my door. He sat down and made small talk, i could barely look at him alone, making small talk, it hurt too much to be in his presence. I caught him sitting there with his head in his hands looking hurt, like he wanted to say something, but didn't.
THEN when i got home late, i seen that he called 2 more x and then he called me late when he was sure i'd be home. He asked about my appointment again. I said "look, i'm broken. I have no fight left in me so i am not going to deal with the appointment i'll take it as it comes"
Then i made it about us and brang up how he said i wasn't important enough. He denied saying it, i hung up on him. He tried to call back and i didn't answer.
What is he trying to do? Is he wanting me back? Or is he really just trying to help me with this appointment?? Can anyone one please try to help me? I know i have said that i am not going to put up with any more BS from him, and i'm not. The only way i'd take him back is if stopped contact with her. Is it guilt? I will not back down, i know i'm having a moment of weakness right now because i was mean and hung up on him, i want to call him and apologize. Should i do this? I'm afraid it might suck me back in.. and i'll bow down again. I don't want to. But i need to know what he's feeling, can anyone helo, i'm always so dense when it comes to mens actions...
Stick with it, he needs to give up his ex end of story. In the end it will just end up hurting you more. He doesn't need to bring baggage in to this relationship. Good luck.
P.S. I can't help you with why he is doing this. Make no sense.
ohhh - I've been there honey! Exactly the same thing. With my last ex - his ex-wife - who he insisted he needed to be 'friends' with - and how he never ever turns his back on a friend and I wasn't gonna tell him who his friends could be yadda yadda yadda. He didn't get why it was so upsetting to me that she had free run of his home, including pet-sitting and layin in his bed while doin so - or that she was going through MY private property I had there (clothing, lingerie, sex toys).
RUN! He's tryin to get you back AND get you to let him keep his ex around - that's what his actions are all about. Spoiled lil boy who wants it all. With me and my ex it got so bad that I told him it was counseling or I was gone - and we'd see what a professional had to say.
What a professional had to say was that his relationship with his ex was too 'intimate' and he wasn't valuing "US" enough since it upset me so much and was a deal-breaker for me - and that he couldn't ever be fully "engaged" with me while he was still 'engaged' with her. She also told him he needed to be ALONE for a few months and stay away from any woman and get his **** together. Did he listen to any of it? nope Are we still together? Nope There were a whole lotta issues - not just this one - but it was a major one. Oh - and guess what? When I left him - he wanted to remain 'friends' LOL. I actually really like his current girl - I feel sorry for her - but I like her.
Next time he contacts you - tell him you don't want to hear from him at all until he's been "ex-free' for 30 days - no contact at all with her - then stick to it - everytime there is contact the 30 day clock starts over.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostgurl
Hi,
Many of you know my long sordid story about me and my ex. I'm starting to get confused with his actions.
We tried to get back together 3 times in the last 13 days. I never called him once, he's always come to me, or phoned me. But he wanted it his way, to stay in contact with his ex. so it didn't work out.
I have told him over and over again that i can't continue this relationhsip if h'es still talking to his ex. He choose to be friends with her. Said that he thought i was important enough at first, but then decided against it b/c no one tells him what to do.
Well, i think he missunderstood me. I asked him to put distance between them so we could work things out. He thinks i want him to end the friendsip.
But why does he keep calling me and coming over? He knows that i'm not going to back down on this, well maybe he hopes that i will? I WON"T THOUGH, i can't.
What I don't understand is that even after Sundays conversation whick ended with him walking out with out a goodbye, because i was harsh, angry and told him to leave:
Saturday (we were back together) He accidentally called me # trying to call her after telling me he hasn't talked to her. I was furious and wouldn't talk to him, he tried calling 9x after that.
Sunday he came over and wanted to explain himself. I told him to go to her. He said he didn't want her, i said well if you don't then leave her alone and come home.
He said no. I said "then leave". He left.
Then out of the blue yesterday he calls me at home at lunch and asked me if i went to my appointment, i said no.
5 minutes later he was at my door. He sat down and made small talk, i could barely look at him alone, making small talk, it hurt too much to be in his presence. I caught him sitting there with his head in his hands looking hurt, like he wanted to say something, but didn't.
THEN when i got home late, i seen that he called 2 more x and then he called me late when he was sure i'd be home. He asked about my appointment again. I said "look, i'm broken. I have no fight left in me so i am not going to deal with the appointment i'll take it as it comes"
Then i made it about us and brang up how he said i wasn't important enough. He denied saying it, i hung up on him. He tried to call back and i didn't answer.
What is he trying to do? Is he wanting me back? Or is he really just trying to help me with this appointment?? Can anyone one please try to help me? I know i have said that i am not going to put up with any more BS from him, and i'm not. The only way i'd take him back is if stopped contact with her. Is it guilt? I will not back down, i know i'm having a moment of weakness right now because i was mean and hung up on him, i want to call him and apologize. Should i do this? I'm afraid it might suck me back in.. and i'll bow down again. I don't want to. But i need to know what he's feeling, can anyone helo, i'm always so dense when it comes to mens actions...
Thanks for your replies, I know that he wants us both. This has been soo heartbreaking, seeing as he left me for her before in the beginning of our relationship, but choose me in the outcome of it all. It was all wonderful until he wanted to be friends with her. Maybe it would have been different if i hadn't have let it bug me soooo much, and was soo scared that he was goin to get back with her again.
I guess there is no room for maybe's anymore. He left a message on my machine last night. Telling me to change my message (it was his voice saying our names) and to find some of his stuff and put it downstairs with the rest of his things. He still has a key to the house, and half of his stuff is downstairs. So it's pretty hard to go into no contact.
You can do this. Change the locks, if necessary, put his stuff outside, don't see him when he comes over to get it, etc.
Everyone deserves someone who loves ONLY them, who doesn't lie to them, who treats them with respect. He can NOT have you both. He should want you and only you and if you say, it's me or her, there should be no hesitation on his part. He wants you.
Don't let him play you like this. You don't need this in your life now, yesterday or tomorrow.
You are a goddess and you deserve to be treated as the most wonderful thing in the world and in someone's life. This guy is (sorry guys) dicking you around. Be firm and give him his walking papers. Repeat after me: I'm better than him, I'm better than him, I'm better than him.
The only other thing I can think of would be if his X and he and you could sit down and discuss this. Personally, if he is carrying around naked pics of her I'm betting he has been hitting it the entire time (which says something about her - I personally would never be someone who was in a relationship - it's me only or it's not me and you dude).
Don't be lostgurl, find the wonderful, independant woman you are. You don't need a (my new breed of the male species) spineless, dickless guy like this.
(apologies to the male species - I'm sure there are women that are just as bad - but I can't come up with a description to fit them as we already are dickless).
Reach out to your girlfriends, take some time for yourself, listen to some good music (get your SEXY BACK) (what the hell, I don't know how many times I would listen to Strong enough by Cher over and over when I was going through something like this). Do whatever it takes but stay away from him and when you find yourself starting to think about him - do 20 situps. You have to find away to stop your brain from thinking about him.
Good luck! Post more. We can help each other, all of us, through what we are all dealing with.
Hi Kamille and Ssheena,
Well alot has happened since i've last posted, He came to my house at lunch on Friday, and told me that he's got a flight booked to leave that night. He moved across the country. Just like that...
I feel so dead inside, i can't even "act" happy in front of people. I hate this pain...
Something clicked when we were talking. He told me he'd always have an ear for me. He'd be my friend no matter what. Like he's doing with his ex. He said that sometimes, he thinks yeah, that she's mesing with him and wants him back. But he doesn't want her and that if i would have let it alone and let it all come to fruition, everything would have been fine.
The most horrible thing is that i believe him NOW! after he's gone....
He said that i'm the only one he wants and after he seen that i believed him, he asked me to save money, to move out there. He wants me to work on my anger problems and eventually move out there. I don't know i'm sooo heart broken. I think i was wrong about thinking that he was trying to get back with her. I feel soo terrible right now.
He said he'd talk to me everynight on MSN, and he'd phone everyother day. Should i believe him, that he wants to actually get back together and move? Sometimes, i doubt it, because he told me alll of his secrets, i know more than anyone on earth. Alot of things that i could say about him, no one would ever look at him agian. He'd never be able to show his face ever. I think (sometimes that he's scared of this, and maybe stringing me along because of it?
But then i remember how he really did try at times to improve our relationship. I was just soo mad and felt betrayed that he was maintaining a friendship w/ the person he left me for briefly in the beginning of the rel. That i put up barriers, and said hateful hurtful things to him because i couldn't get past the fact.....
uggh I am such a mess... Thanks for your support Kamille and Ssheena, It helps to vent and to hear your words of support. Thank you.
He moved? Just like that? Maybe this is good as it will give you time and space to sort things out.
Your anger is understandable. Yet I believe he means what he said. But take your time making a decision about all this! You probably both need time to heal a little.
You'll get through this just be patient with yourself, your thoughts and your emotions. A friend of mine was saying yesterday that the first year of her relationship (they're celebrating 6 years this week) was really really difficult, but that she kept having faith that if it was meant to be, they would find a way to work it out.
Take your time. You just don't need to figure it out right now. It sounds like you might be in limbo right now as to whether you are broken up or actually taking time to figure it out (but still together in some way.)
Question is - is he tellin her the same thing? Cuz I didn't see "I'm moving and I'll be in contact with you every day so we can fix this and I am leaving her in my past" anywhere in there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostgurl
Hi Kamille and Ssheena,
Well alot has happened since i've last posted, He came to my house at lunch on Friday, and told me that he's got a flight booked to leave that night. He moved across the country. Just like that...
I feel so dead inside, i can't even "act" happy in front of people. I hate this pain...
Something clicked when we were talking. He told me he'd always have an ear for me. He'd be my friend no matter what. Like he's doing with his ex. He said that sometimes, he thinks yeah, that she's mesing with him and wants him back. But he doesn't want her and that if i would have let it alone and let it all come to fruition, everything would have been fine.
The most horrible thing is that i believe him NOW! after he's gone....
He said that i'm the only one he wants and after he seen that i believed him, he asked me to save money, to move out there. He wants me to work on my anger problems and eventually move out there. I don't know i'm sooo heart broken. I think i was wrong about thinking that he was trying to get back with her. I feel soo terrible right now.
He said he'd talk to me everynight on MSN, and he'd phone everyother day. Should i believe him, that he wants to actually get back together and move? Sometimes, i doubt it, because he told me alll of his secrets, i know more than anyone on earth. Alot of things that i could say about him, no one would ever look at him agian. He'd never be able to show his face ever. I think (sometimes that he's scared of this, and maybe stringing me along because of it?
But then i remember how he really did try at times to improve our relationship. I was just soo mad and felt betrayed that he was maintaining a friendship w/ the person he left me for briefly in the beginning of the rel. That i put up barriers, and said hateful hurtful things to him because i couldn't get past the fact.....
uggh I am such a mess... Thanks for your support Kamille and Ssheena, It helps to vent and to hear your words of support. Thank you.
The contact between your b/f and his ex most likely will NOT end. Ex's need to be X's and need to back off - but some people do not have those standards or morals. YOU deserve much more in life to be confused by someone. Stick to your value system and find someone who has the same.
I was jerked around for a few years with the same exact problem. In my situation, contact with the ex did not stop - even though I was promised many times that there was N/C. If someone has an ex and the attraction is there, who is to say that there isn't a chance that they fool around? I found out the hard way - it happened 2X. Yes, it is painful to maintain N/C - but after about 3 months - you will see the light at the end of the tunnel becoming very bright becuz you will realize that you did something beneficial for your own well being - AN ACCOMPLISHMENT!
You b/f sounds unstable and erratic to move just like that...I would take this time to institute N/C - becuz you have been hurt and lied to many times over - get over him, get out there and find someone that will cherish you...the wait will be so worth it.
I am taking my own advise right now and meeting people that are nothing like the loser and liar that I was with. Once you have been with someone like that (liar/cheater/whatever) you can recognize these character faults and stay away from that type of behavior.
Be the Goddess that you are and find what you are looking for...
Best of luck,
Been There, Done That,
Bought the T-shirt & Returned it.
Well see the thing is, he's not at all erractic and unstable. He's hated this place and stayed here for three years only because of me. I've said many times i'd move with him, but have just put it off everytime it came up b/c i'm scared of moving.
He's asked me to move down there after winter ends to live there with him. He's asked me to start saving now for the move.
He moved two provinces over. You know, after thinking of it, i don't think he's with her, i mean the 3 of us are all in separate provinces and i really don't see an point of him stringing me along, if he's with her. Now that he's moved, and he still wants to be with me, i am starting to think that he doesn't want anything but her friendship. He's told me that she's finally found someone else, she's ben single for the past 4 years since they broke up and he's exstatic for her, he's always said that he wishes she could find someone. Then he said if i were to find some one then he'd be heartbroken.
I don't know, this is what i get from him anyway, and i want so badly to believe it. I know that he wants me and he's insecure about being all the way over there too. He's so scared i'm going to stray or find someone new.
Anyone else out there with similar experiences?
Last edited by Lostgurl; 18th October 2006 at 4:19 PM..
Reason: spelling errors
talk of provinces might mean he's from one of the small ones, which in turn might mean that, like me, he grew up having to be friends with many exes because, well, you just run into them anywhere you go and there is nowhere else to go. So for me, it's often not being friends with an ex that I don't understand, after a healthy mourning period of course. I don't stay as close to my exes as he does, but some friends of mine do. And it does sometime create issues in their relationships.
I remember a friend of mine going through exactly the same thing as you, and everyone was telling her she was totally right in being upset and eventually someone said, well, why don't you just accept that they are friends and see where it takes you? (the first year they were together, he spent Christmas with his ex and not my friend... she was steaming!) They ended up being together for 4 years and broke up for totally unrelated reasons.
You say that you are now starting to change your perspective about what you think he feels for her. But what was it that made you feel insecure in the first place? Were any of his actions contributing to your insecurity? (I recall there being a few).
You also need to think about what moving would mean. Would you know anyone but him where he is? (Hey, maybe I live there!) Could you easily find a job there?
You do sound as though you are swimming out of the crisis and gaining more perspective on the situation. Just make sure that the fact that you miss him does not make you forget about why you got to where you are today.
talk of provinces might mean he's from one of the small ones, which in turn might mean that, like me, he grew up having to be friends with many exes because, well, you just run into them anywhere you go and there is nowhere else to go. So for me, it's often not being friends with an ex that I don't understand, after a healthy mourning period of course. I don't stay as close to my exes as he does, but some friends of mine do. And it does sometime create issues in their relationships.
I remember a friend of mine going through exactly the same thing as you, and everyone was telling her she was totally right in being upset and eventually someone said, well, why don't you just accept that they are friends and see where it takes you? (the first year they were together, he spent Christmas with his ex and not my friend... she was steaming!) They ended up being together for 4 years and broke up for totally unrelated reasons.
You say that you are now starting to change your perspective about what you think he feels for her. But what was it that made you feel insecure in the first place? Were any of his actions contributing to your insecurity? (I recall there being a few).
You also need to think about what moving would mean. Would you know anyone but him where he is? (Hey, maybe I live there!) Could you easily find a job there?
You do sound as though you are swimming out of the crisis and gaining more perspective on the situation. Just make sure that the fact that you miss him does not make you forget about why you got to where you are today.
Hi Kamille, it's good to hear back from you!
Well the reason why he's moved two prov. over is because his family is there. It doesn't have anything to do with his ex's, I'm only his third serious relationship. Him and her NEVER see eachother. They just talk on the phone every now and then. I do miss him, but when he was here, i told him (and meant it ) that i'd follow him to the ends of the earth. I was stalling, though... b/c i didn't feel ready, (i actually don't think ever would have) I still don't feel ready. But only time will tell i guess..... He's been calling every day, some times twice a day, we've just got him set on w/email so we can chat. Things are really starting to look up! And i am beginning to think that i was seeing red for no real reason other than my horrible jealous streak.
And YES. There was the fact that he did leave me for her in the very beginning. But he chose me... And he's still here, he still wants me. He tried to explain all this to me before, but of course i wouldn't hear it, all i seen was the green eyed monster. I needed to forgive him for when he left me, to be ok with their friendship. I didn't forgive him until he left, and i had time to think and sort alot of stuff out in my brain. I couldn't thik when he was around i was always so engrossed in his presence.... oh sh*t i am soo in love with him. I hope this is real... I hope he is being true.
You know Kamille?, that is the scarry thing, i wouldn't know anyone if i moved over there. But that's alright, b/c he made a good point when he was trying to talk me into moving over there. I am easy going and fun to be around, and make new friends pretty easy. It wont be hard. As for job prospects, i want to go back to school and focus on making a career for my self. i can do this while i'm there. I have just been working since i have had my 2 babies, couldn't afford to go to school but he has soo many opportunities over there for great paying jobs, i should be able to go back to school.
Hey your Canadian? Wicked, can you PM? I'm curious to know which area of the woods your from. LOL that's if you are up for it of course, hope i'm not being to forward.
I know that one time my x (after I decided I wanted to take a break) was also going to move/go somewhere else and work for awhile. It could be that your guy just needs to remove himself from the situation and get his head on straight. I would talk with him everyday or as much as you both want (not just what he wants) and then see what happens. Go and visit him and see what it's like.
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