I'm in a situation and I'm trying to handle it to the best of my ability, but I need to find some closure and I'm not getting any from the future EW.
When we first seperated, my Future-EW told me that she didnt want a relationship or even want to date anyone... etc, etc. Well almost a year into our seperation, it became aparent that she was dating someone and it was serious.... long story short, she lied about it to everyone, I found out the truth on my own and when anyone confronted her about it, she still lied.
Needless to say our divorce is still pending.... this guy is now living with my future EW, they've had "relations", I've heard from people that she believes she's in love...etc, etc.
another aspect of this is my future EW performed a total 180 about a month before we seperated. It started with going out more with friends to constant lying. She's lied from day one to everyone that truely knows her. Now she would rather party, she picked up smoking(which she despised before), she drinks alot more (which she never used to do), she doesnt go around her family (alot of it is becuase they dont approve of her decisions)... she's just not the same. And through all of this, she believes she's done nothing wrong, etc. etc.
in all fairness to the OM, he is a nice guy...but. He is younger, no kids, no college, no stability, works at the same place my future EW does, lives with parents. I dont want to be rude, but it inevitable... he's not my wifes type. The other thing us outsiders see is he does everything for her... she's her little biotch boy. He does things that you wouldnt believe... my wife was very independent person and would do alot of things for herself and wouldnt do the things shes doing now.
Ultimately, I've had to step back... let my future EW feel the way she does, I've let her know how I've felt and am trying to not let my emotions get the best of me and let things be as they may. I'd love the chance to make things right. I'm still riding on the fence... I'm crushed and I'm disappointed seeing my wife turn into whom she had. I've sort of convinced myself that there's nothing I can do and I am the better person and there's someone 100X better out there for me. But.... I do love her and always have and would forgive her to work things out
So whats the deal with this relationship? Is this common? Is it a typical rebound relationship? Will it last? Is most of what my wife doing typical of someone confused?
You've just desrcibed what I went thorugh 16 years ago.
The XW is on DH No. #3, and they've been together for the last 16 years. Are they happy? Who knows ~ who cares ~ I don't. I believe he's about eight or nine years younger than she is (52). And, as to the state of their relationship, I could care less.
And, yea it probally is a re-bound relationship ~ or at least a transitory one. Thing is, if not him then it would be someone else. Although you may have had what she wanted and needed at one time ~ you're no longer the fair hair golden child in her eyes. That's just the way it is.
You could be the greatest guy in the world, make all the right moves, and say all the right things, and for some women it still wouldn't be enough.
Your best bet is to just let it go and move on.
I re-bounded into my last LTR after 12 years of marriage. and in looking back on it, I've been re-bounding all of my life. After the last LTR GF and i broke up eight years ago ~ I got Hell bound for leather that I was going to learn how to live by myself. That I wasn't going to get myself and my life where I wanted and needed to be.
I'm to the point now, where most women are more trouble to me than they're worth the effort. I've got more to offer your typical woman than your typical woman has got to offer me.
A lot of women have got it in their heads that at age 30+ its the same game as it was back in high school, that they've got the supply and we've got the demand. That's true to a certain extent, but not near like it was back in the day.
And before I get bum rushed by the feminazi's that's true for a lot of self supporting independent women. In 2006, the game has changed.
__________________
I may not be perfect! But, parts of me are pretty awesome, and I'm working on the rest!
It would sound like the reason she was lying was to cover-up her relationship with this guy, knowing that no one would approve. and her lying to you about it is in her own way trying to make it less painful for you. Believe it or not they actually do this for this reason, because they don't want to "hurt" you. When actually, being upfront about it makes the healing easier. She told you she wasn't going to see anyone or look for a relationship for this same reason--that and it doesn't look good to go to court for a divorce when you've been having an affair....
Why are you so fixated on their relationship? You say they've been having "relations"...well, yeah! What, did you think he was sleeping on the couch in the house that they now live in? C'mon, you're smarter than that! maybe it will work between them, maybe it won't but you don't have any say in the matter and can't do anything about it but to move on with your own life.
__________________ * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * This is my life.....I'm only letting you playing in it. Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.... ......It's already tomorrow in Australia. ~~~ Charles Shultz
I'm in the same boat. I will admit that I miss the comforts of coming home to someone, talking over dinner, playing with the kids, getting the house picked up and relaxing, lovemaking, etc, etc.... but I think women are more trouble for me right now than there worth.
Now ladies, dont take this the wrong way, please. I respect women. I have alot of respect for you in todays world. I've just had my heart ripped out, torn apart and watched as it was stomped to bits.
Pixie,
this is a different guy than the first one. but I get what your saying.
I WAS so fixated on what she was doing, cause in a sense I was trying to get her back. I've made baby-steps to the point where I still have some feeling for her and would love to get her back, but I'm realizing she's the one who gave up, most of her words to me were lies, she's the one missing out and basically I can do much better. One day (I dont know when), I will find that one woman who I cant live without. Going through what I didn was a learning experience and I'm taking what I've learned and not going to settle for 2nd best. You know what I mean???
I mainly wanted to find out what the hell she is doing... like I keep saying and always will. She's not the same person and I cant understand why. I probably never will.
speaking from experience, and realizing i may be in the minority, i think that when someone leaves u, whether or not they were seeing someone during the relationship, or just after, etc. really doesn't matter. i think that it is normal for the one who left to see the other person as someone they should 'avoid' but that is really about their fear and guilt - and has nothing to do with whether they are happy now or if they are concerned about hurting the one they left. in my situation, like i have always done, i simply search because i am curious by nature - i love understanding why people do what they do [hence the sociology major]. there is no hidden agenda, no reason other than, wanting to understand yourself and others better. however, one's curiousity should not over-ride how that impacts on others so a balance is needed and once it is obvious that you are indeed being perceived incorrectly - its time to respect that. i have been extremely fortunate in all my relastionships, whether i ended them or others did, fortunate in, i chose, as did they, to share part of my life with someone who, once our time together ends, can still communicate about the past, and the future. not many can do that - so, i have been lucky.
I mainly wanted to find out what the hell she is doing... like I keep saying and always will. She's not the same person and I cant understand why. I probably never will.
When two people get married they're actually are marrying three different people, maybe four
1. The person they think they're marrying!
2. The person the're actually marrying!
3. The person that comes about as a result of having married you!
The fourth is the person that you meet in divorce court, as in: "I can't believe that's the same person I was married to all these years!"
People change ~ I'm not the same person I was all those years ago when I got married, and I'm not the same person I was sixteen years ago. My priorties have changes, my outlook and perspectives have changed. My wants and needs have changed dramatically over the last eleven years since I've retired from the Corps.
Thirty years ago, I was all about just about anything that wore a skirt. Nowdays, I'm more inclined toward "threesomes" when it comes to sex, me, her, and a doctor! Thirty years ago, I was looking for a "10" ~ nowdays? I'll take a 5+ with a damn good attitude, perspective, and a healthy outlook, that isn't bi-polar, on drugs, a drunk, hasn't slept with every man for five counties around ~ twice and that has a good job that pays more than minimum wage, with a van load of youngins (none of which share the same father) and a drawer full of bills.
Someone that doesn't have sexual fantaises involving clowns and dancing bears ~ and God only knows what else? Someone who's secure and OK with getting older, and who's not in their forties trying to dress and act like a teenager, and be in competition with they're teenage daughters? Someone who can open their mouth and tell you the difference between the way it is, and the way they need it to be. Who doesn't expect you to be Slyvia Brown and read minds. Someone who doesn't have the attitude of "Well, if this one doesn't work out, I'll get out of it the same way I did my other six marriages!"
She would probally be a "cross" mix between:
Lady Jane + Mz Pixie + Lor + DGril + Record Producer + Pink Amulet + AmazingGrace
Jesus, dude. Get over that woman and move on. That's what wakes them up the most. Then YOU decide what you want to do if and when she comes crawling back to you. I can tell by what you've written you're still in that pathetic mode where you're trying your darndest to forgive her. Well, stop it.
Jesus, dude. Get over that woman and move on. That's what wakes them up the most. Then YOU decide what you want to do if and when she comes crawling back to you. I can tell by what you've written you're still in that pathetic mode where you're trying your darndest to forgive her. Well, stop it.
speaking from experience, and realizing i may be in the minority, i think that when someone leaves u, whether or not they were seeing someone during the relationship, or just after, etc. really doesn't matter. i think that it is normal for the one who left to see the other person as someone they should 'avoid' but that is really about their fear and guilt - and has nothing to do with whether they are happy now or if they are concerned about hurting the one they left. in my situation, like i have always done, i simply search because i am curious by nature - i love understanding why people do what they do [hence the sociology major]. there is no hidden agenda, no reason other than, wanting to understand yourself and others better. however, one's curiousity should not over-ride how that impacts on others so a balance is needed and once it is obvious that you are indeed being perceived incorrectly - its time to respect that. i have been extremely fortunate in all my relastionships, whether i ended them or others did, fortunate in, i chose, as did they, to share part of my life with someone who, once our time together ends, can still communicate about the past, and the future. not many can do that - so, i have been lucky.
Cliff Notes Version ~ "When it over - its over! And that's just the way it is!
Guest... thank you!!!! Your actually the first person that has put it so frank to me. I dont take offense. I know what I have to do and alot of you know its easier said than done. But ask those around me, I've come along way from where I once was. For the longest time, the only reason I left my house was to go to work. Now I'm getting out more, making new friends... doing things for me. I'm to the point right now, where I've been way to nice to her before and after the D and am trying to not be, but becuase of the way I still feel, I find it hard to see her struggle and hurt... but, she's made her bed, she must lie in it.
Gunny, you've helped me in the past when I've needed it. Your a good man. I hear what your saying about the multiple personalities thing. Damn, as I sit and think about it... I just giggle, cause your so damn right, its sickening.I'm young, but I've got a good head on my shoulders. Granted, I'm looking for the one-night stand or the booty-call, cause like snickers..."it satisfies". But, i'm not actively seeking it. I'm not going to settle for second best when the time comes, she's going to have to be, like you stated.... "have the entire package".
I have no regrets in my life, I learned a great deal in my first marriage. I learned that sometimes you think you know a person better than they know themselves, but you dont (thanks Gunny for making me realize this). I learned what not do to in a relationship and what to do. I learned what a relationship is really about. I've learned alot about myself and I'm really not the person I was made out to be. I learned that I'm a great father and provider, when I was told I wasnt. Everything I've been through makes me stronger and there's always more to learn.
thanks again.
PS... Gunny, your 110% Marine and it shows. But I got madd love for you man.
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