Some of you may remember my issue in the past with my girlfriend, I'll give a brief re-cap cause there's something I could still use some help with.
I'm going to leave all reflection aside and get straight to what bothers me, what my judgments are, and then leave it to all of you to try to decipher what the cause of this is, I think it'll be more productive that way.
Over a year ago I started dating this girl I met while studying abroad, she happens to live 6 hours from me, but we spent the school year abroad together. Things were perfect until about 2 1/2 months in, I started to find out stuff about her past that really drove me nuts.
She's slept with 8 people including me by age 21. 4 of them were in the second semester of her freshman year of college, 2 of those were casual. Another minor thing that bothered me is that she smoked pot for 2 years pretty consistently.
I guess I've generally always been a little judgmental in this way. Prior to this relationship, I think I've always had an image of the kind of person that's into smoking pot and the kind of girl that has (what I consider) a lot of sexual partners and casual sex. She's not into either of that now, but even that she was bothers me. On top of that I know an excruciating amount of details that I shouldn't have ever asked, and I admit responbility for having done so. I guess the image I see is the kind of person to me that's "fun to mess around with but not to settle with" as if they don't deserve a commitment or something, or maybe that something about settling down with someone like that just assaults whatever insecuriites I have too much.
Now here's where my little bit of reflection comes in....I know that that stuff bothers me and I know I'm prone to judge, but I don't know why. I'm assuming it's something within me, and its maybe an insecurity causing the need to judge, but I can't see it clearly enough to actually see it apart from my judgment. I want to change that, because I don't like the idea of living being so condemning and close minded.
So looking at the actual image I have might reveal whatever said insecurities are and might help me to figure out why I'm so judgmental.
It's basically the idea that she was a cute, sexy, big-breasted (notorious for that) mid-western girl who has always had guys wanting her, and for a time she just kind of let loose. That's the image.
My judgments of this are: she was easy, a girl with that much appeal shouldn't need casual encounters and should have been more selective. She was weak. Please note I know this judgments are unfair and irrational, I'm just saying them for the sake of evaluation.
Also note this issue has only really gotten bad over the course of the last few months while we've been in a long distance thing. I've only had 2 sexual partners before her, one of them a 3 1/2 year relationship.
I've put her through a lot of crap that she doesn't deserve and we've decided that it'd be best if I took a little while to sort stuff out with myself and get over whatever issues I have, and if things work out we'll get back together down the road. I'm fine with that decision, but I don't know what to do. Part of me feels like I should get out there and immerse myself in the environment/culture that I am so apt to judge, but then part of me feels like doing that for the sake of it is stupid. So I just want to get a handle on what it seems like my issue really is and go from there. Any insight would be appreciated.
Last edited by sockpuppet; 10th October 2006 at 6:55 PM..
Reason: stuff to add
Oh boy, you've got yourself into a bind now. Where to start....
Background - I have had the same problem as you. I would ask an ex about her past sexual history and then it would be different than I imagined or expected and then I would lose all respect for her. This has cost me more than 1 good relationship thus I have a current rule of don't ask/don't tell so I don't repeat this mistake again.
It's important to realize that we all have a past. I have been with a lot of girls and the chance that I would date a girl who has been with more guys than I have been with girls is remote. Thus, it's very difficult for me to rationally hold it against someone although it's easy to emotionally do so.
First of all, let me say that I think it's very wise of both you and your girlfriend to have decided to take some time to sort things out.
my thoughts:
people change. I don't know how she presents that phase of her life, but I know that I had one where, by your standards, I would have been considered easy. I am now more selective, in my case because I have changed my mind about what kind of relationships I want in my life (from fun and casual to loving and serious). Personnaly I don't think this transition takes away from who I was or who I am.
I know people change, and I know I shouldn't hold it against her. But I just feel like I've been trained to make certain value judgements....I don't know how to reverse them.
What sucks is I know for a fact that 90% of the guys/girls I've grown up with would have a reaction much like mine...I guess our region/environment was just different growing up. But when talking to them when I need advice it never helps to hear people making my insecure worries seem more legitimate.
So I just don't know how to see it as insecurity, when its so natural to think, "damn 4 guys in 6 months is a lot, what does that say about her as a person" and thinking other connected negative thoughts about the kind of person who puts a high premium on getting drunk/high and whatnot.
Personnally, I think she is better off being with someone who can appreciate her for who she is now and accepting that she is who she is because of all the mistakes as well as all the right things that she did in her past.
And, really, I don't understand why you hang on to that idea 'of the kind of person' who would engage in casual sex and do drugs. Do you really think you can know? Do you really think that everyone who engages in casual sex and/or drugs does it for the same reason? And that you and 90% of the people you know (which constitutes only about 3% of the people I know - bu hey, I'm canadian) have coined the truth about why others engage in casual sex? Why are you applying your beliefs to everyone's life?
But I guess that that's your question. This is one of your core belief about sexuality and you don't know how to do away with it. I can only tell you not everyone thinks like that. And that you shouldn't pay so much attention to what 'others' think. Instead, try to figure life out as it presents itself to you. The point is, do you really think less of her now because of her past? Does that make her less beautiful a person to you? Does she really mean less to you, and does that make you incapable of accepting the love she has to offer you?
This issue didn't get bad until the distance came in, I've got a lot of issues that are making whatever initial judgments I make 10x more amplified.
It's more a jealousy thing. I feel like she had her fun and I've had...practically nothing. I love her but I don't feel comfortable knowing all I know and knowing so much detail about her past. I do love her for who she is, and I know the judgments I made are wrong as well as unfair, I'm just trying to sort through these feelings.
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