My girlfriend of 7 years has spent a month overseas and will be for another 3 months. This year has been very tough on us. There was an accident, constant quarrels because of circumstance and potential break ups. But the few weeks before she left, everything seemed good and we were healing.
The first week she left, everything was still cool. But subsequently, our conversations got more distant. I'd be the one initiating the phone calls or messaging her online etc. I just spoke to her last night about it and it turns out she's trying to find and understand herself. It's much to do with what happened the past year, I believe. The last time she said she needed to figure herself out, we almost broke up. This whole situation is making me feel so insecure. For a while I became clingy and would ask her questions like why didnt she call or answer my message on msn etc. She got really defensive and angry at me.
I'm incredibly afraid to lose her and after thinking about it, I've decided not to force her into making any decisions though. I told her that about how I felt and that I understand that she needs her space and needs to get herself sorted out and that I loved her very much and I'll always be around for her. She told me that she loves me too and as much as she wants it to work, she's gotta sort herself out even if that means we might break up. And in the meantime, I'll try not to contact her so often even though I really want to.
It's difficult. I've done everything I could for now and really, whatever happens next is up to her. It hurts terribly. I just hope and pray our relationship will survive this. I've always thought that if 2 people really love each other nothing can keep them apart. But now I'm rather worried.
I don't know if I did what's right but at least we're communicating and know what's going on with each other.
In relationships, it's very important that you give one another space to be able to enjoy life without being joined at the hip. She's taking some "me" time, which she is certainly entitled to. As are you, at any given time.
It sounds from what you've described that neither of you are easy on one another. You get insecure, she gets angry. She goes away, you get clingy. You both sound as if you need to think of each other's feelings instead of your own more often.
While she's away, you should really give her the space she has asked you for. Respect her wishes and she will respect you more for it.
Unless you have reasons you haven't stated not to trust her fidelity to you, let her enjoy her vacation freely without you being a hassle. A little trust goes a long way. And I'm sure you don't want to be thought of as a hassle to anyone, do you?
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When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be -- Lao Tzu
Actually, this is the first time in this relationship that I've experienced this clingy-ness and insecurity nonsense. I've been doing some thinking and I guess I need to deal with my own personal insecurities and not bring them over to the relationship. And yea, I'd hate to be a hassle.
These things are all typical when a relationship is about to end. I don't want to sound pessimistic, but when you hear the words "We need time apart" or "I need some space", that means they are about to leave the relationship. The clinginess is a natural reaction to someone who is pulling away from you. The best thing you can do is let her have her space and don't call her and deal with the pain by yourself or with someone other than her.
Most of the time it's all about a breakup, but I will keep my fingers crossed for you.
I think that this problem is a lot more complex then how I've put it across earlier. Well, I'll try explaining it further.
In the past, when I was a trainee in the army, I hardly had time or energy for her and I think she felt that I was the one pulling away from her and got clingy. We quarrelled almost every week whenever I saw her about this. Sometime during the training, I got into an accident that left me slightly disabled. On the day she left for a 2 week vacation overseas. Some time after she got back, she confessed her attraction for some guy she met while on vacation which I felt was ok. Only when she suggested breaking up because she was unsure of our relationship and why she had such feelings for someone else. She thought about it and realised that it was because I hadn't been around for her for so long and it felt like she was missing something. Later, she decided that she said that she wanted to stay on because I was the one she loved and the other guy was kind of like a replacement.
It's been a couple of months since then. Now she's gone overseas again but for 4 months instead of 2 weeks. For a while I've been feeling insecure of myself and my abilities. This having a lot to do with the accident that had happened previously and the earlier episode when she talked about breaking up. I think that this gave rise to the insecurity I felt regarding our relationship, which further developed into the situation now.
Now I'm worried that history might repeat itself even though she tells me that she still loves me and we're still together and stuff.
Not too long ago on my birthday, she got a cake and gift delivered since she wasn't around to celebrate it with me.
Maybe I'm just paranoid and she really hasn't the time for me now, co's she's studying? That's why I feel lke she's pulling away? I don't know. I might be the position she was in when I was in the army. I'm not sure if I'm thinking straight either.
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she needs to find herself
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