I am a well educated, reslient survivor of a dysfunctional family. For some reason I consistently choose relationships with men who have problems with drugs and alcohol, or who are not capable of making a life for themselves. I know that I deserve better but I am having trouble finding a man who doesn't need me to fix his problems. I just broke off a two year relationship with my bf because of his alcoholism, and his unwillingness to seek help. How do I do I get out of this cycle to find the happiness I deserve?

[Tony T]

My guess is that you have serious self esteem issues and you look for men with problems so you can feel superior and also become so important to them they will not abandon you.

As Paulie suggested in a post below, John Bradshaw has a number of books that could be helpful. Paulie likes "Homecoming". Others include "Bradshaw On: The Family" and "Healing the Shame that Binds You."

You also may want to read up on co-dependence because you have severe issues in this area if you attract so many fixer uppers.

The best way to avoid them is to pay attention and when you meet a guy with these types of problems, send him cruising.

This may sound a bit esoteric, but I think we put out vibrations on specific frequencies that are picked up by people on the same frequency. You, having come from a dysfunctional family, are magically attracting those from like background.

When you absolutely stop having anything to do with these type men, stop taking their crap and abuse, and start settling for nothing less than intelligent, sensitive, kind, considerate, thoughtful men from good families, you will have arrived.

What I really wonder is if you found such great guys, would you feel at home, would you feel comfortable, would you feel deserving, will you feel at home? Work out all your own issues, no matter how long it takes, and everything else will fall into place.

My guess is that you also have a lot of repressed anger inside of you that needs to work itself out. "The Dance of Anger" is a good book for that. You probably have a low grade depression that lingers with you. All this will disappear in time and you progress with your own healing.

You seem to have great insight. Read up on the subjects I mentioned and do the work you need to do to be the person that the person you want in your life will want as well.

Sometimes we go with what we know because a fully functional relationship is too scary and different. We know how to deal with dysfunction because we are used to it. So we consistently pick dysfunctional guys because they are familiar territory.

But recognizing the pattern is a good first step to breaking it. I know a great woman who keeps attracting guys that hit her and lock her in closets. This is what she is used to and she doesn't even know how to deal with a kind, thoughtful guy.

So begin by telling yourself that you do deserve more that no-life guys who need to be rescued but will continue to mess up anyway. Don't even get started with them, as much as they may intrigue you. Make an agreement with yourself that you will only attract and keep guys who have their acts totgether.

If you think counseling would help to get rid of some of the mental programs that propel you towards this pattern, it might be a good idea.

I am a well educated, reslient survivor of a dysfunctional family. For some reason I consistently choose relationships with men who have problems with drugs and alcohol, or who are not capable of making a life for themselves. I know that I deserve better but I am having trouble finding a man who doesn't need me to fix his problems. I just broke off a two year relationship with my bf because of his alcoholism, and his unwillingness to seek help. How do I do I get out of this cycle to find the happiness I deserve?