My ex-GF and I are both committed to really try and save our friendship. When she called after 2 weeks of NC, it was of course really great to talk with her. While catching up on what we had done in the last 2 weeks, she tells me how she got really drunk at a party with friends that first weekend after breaking up. No big deal. I went out and had a lot of drinks with my friends that weekend as well.

Unfortunately, some of the specifics from her story have my mind racing to worst case scenario and envisioning her hooking up with someone. She smoked a cigarette (which I have never known her to do), she threw up that night and the next morning for the first time in 5-6 years, and she said "I think I asked a friend of Brad's to walk me home". Obviously, it was a real bender and she wasn't in control. Even if she did, it's none of my business and she can do whatever she wants, but still so hard to think about.

Anyway, we will be talking again in another week and I think I need to say it's too soon for me. My question is, when I tell her I need more time, do I reveal that a big part of it is now knowing I'm not yet able to hear stories like the one above without picturing her with someone else? I don't want to be accusatory, but I do want to be honest about why I'd be staying away.

Thanks

[bchlvr]

From what you've written, it sounds like you need to be committed more to your own healing than to saving the friendship.

You wrote: "my mind is racing....to a scenerio envisioning her hooking up with someone."

It is very painful to be preoccupied with that possibility and playing out in your mind what the scenarios might be.

Your instincts are good: you're not ready. It hurts when you hear her stories. You need more time. You'll know you're ready for a friendship when the possibility or reality of her hooking up with someone does not leave you in acute pain wishing things would be otherwise.

What were your reasons for breaking no contact in the first place?

My suggestion is, go back to NC. Everyday you maintained it speaks to your courage to take your own feelings and healing seriously.

Don't get into any specifics with her about how hearing her stories make you feel if you do have a conversation.
Be brief. Say, "I need to not have contact with you in order for me to heal/move forward, etc."
Then the hard part comes. In my experience, following through on this is critical to moving forward no matter how acutely painful it feels at the moment, no matter if she finds ways to connect with you.

[Corvandus]

quite simply, what I had to do with not caring about what my recent ex does, was have a rather good friend of mine become something of a shagbuddy with alot more intimacy and loyalty.
I did it myself, and being with someone else who wanted me so much made me feel alot different. Now all I had to deal with was her ringing me in the early morning and "telling me the truth" which has since been disproven.

Saving a friendship isn't controllable generally speaking. If you do in fact both want to be friends, then have a cooldown and a shag, find something to do, get your mind straight, and when she's not an issue, THEN attempt it. Until then I suggest you keep it quiet toward her but at the same time casual and make sure she knows that you're not ditching her.

Then again, I'm a hopelessly romantic twat ofttimes, and as one I tend to either give advice I can't follow, or terrible suggestions.
<3cv