My husband and I have been married for 9yrs now. We have 2 beautiful children 6 and 3. To give you a decent overview of my situation ....10yrs ago I actually broke off our engagement because I wasn't sure I felt strongly enough about him. I loved him but I wasn't sure I loved him as much as he loved me . This is one of those guys who's just wonderful...I just wished I could say I felt as strong as I should. After 2months apart way back when, after feeling terrible because I knew he was miserable (we hung out in the same circle of friends) and much encouragement from friends to get back together with him I did.
I think I was more in love with the idea of being "in love" than actually being in love. Does that make any sense? I wanted the life I now have and convinced myself I was going to be happy. Up until recently I think I've been pretty much pretending that I am happy simply because to this day he is one of my best friends in this world. But in the last 6mos or more, things have been steadly getting worse. My husband has been coming home and loosing his temper quite often (over things that have nothing to do with things at home). Even the littlest things set him off. And he's one of those people who will blow up and ten minutes later, for him...it's over and he forgets all about it. But for me, it sticks with me. We've also never had a great sex life due to some issues because of medication on his part but that is really nothing compared to the fact that I just don't feel that I want to. The more frequent his little temper flare ups have been happening (and he yells at the kids which just totally aggrevates me to no end) and the more he's been trying to entice me into the bedroom, the less I seem to want it.
Well, this past weekend, he had another of his trantrums and it was bigger than usual and I finally called him on it after he calmed down. I've basically been stuffing my feelings all these months because I find it extremely difficult to talk to him. He tends to either immeadiately get defensive, or he gets so down on himself when I bring things up that it makes me hold back saying anything out of guilt. But this last one was bad and I finally broke down and told him everything about how I've been feeling and let it all out. Including how difficult a time I have talking to him. He's made an apt. to see a councelor because he's admitted his anger issues.
I've also offered to go to a marriage councelor. My main concern now is that we've both been upset and crying and are now seriously contemplating divorce. I'm a stay at home mom who hasn't worked in nearly 7yrs. I have 2 children to think about here as well as things between my husband and I. He told me he contemplated suicide the other night and thankfully was talked out of it by his brother. I really feel like I'm holding the key to everyone's happiness in my hands and don't want to make a wrong decision no matter what I do and am feeling very sad and lost. I do feel very strongly that I just cannot be responible for his happiness in that way though and told him so and then let him have it about how selfish to do that to his children let alone me or the rest of his family - to which he said he won't but it really makes things so much worse.
Ugh...I'm sorry. I know this was long and may not even make much sense because there's just so much going on to try and put it all into this post. But has anyone out there been through anything even remotely similar? I feel so lost. Do I stay, and just be comfortable but not really happy? Or will I even get to "happy" again? I don't want to turn over the lives of my children unnecessarrily. Would I even be happier to leave? I have no clue what I'd do being that I haven't worked in so long. And this isn't about one or the other wanting to be with someone else. It's all about something lost that maybe was never even there to begin with. I think I am just finnally admitting it to myself now.
FL - I understand you completely! I was reading that like I was reading my own story. (I wrote about it in "to sep. or not to sep." if you want to read my back story.)
I wish I could tell you what to do, but I'm in the same boat as you are. My husband doesn't have quite the temper issues, but he has been getting worse about loosing his cool with our son on occasion. Not that he'd hurt him, but I see it's starting to scare him, and I've called him on it a number of times lately.
My husband is my best friend in the world. In my perfect world - We would split up, but he'd continue as my best friend and we'd raise our son together, just not as husband and wife. Live in different homes, but have an open door policy - he can come get our son when he wants, and vise versa. That instead of it being about us, it's about our son.
FL - I understand you completely! I was reading that like I was reading my own story. (I wrote about it in "to sep. or not to sep." if you want to read my back story.)
Good luck...
Penny
Thank you so much. It's a comfort to know someone out there understands. I'm just sorry you're going through things yourself. My husband saw the councelor last night and I actually feel a little more positive today. I myself have an apt. made now as well. With any luck maybe things can be fixed. I don't really know. Only time will tell I supposse. I just feel kind of numb right now. A little more positive and less teary eyed but numb nonetheless But again, it really does help to know someone out there does understand. I'll definetly go and read your post Penny. Perhaps it will help me even more and if nothing else, you'll be able to know that I'm feeling for you too.
part of his anger problem is more than likely stemming from feeling you pulling away from him. Its a vicious cycle....you pull away, don't want intimacy, he doesn't understand, he gets angry, he's uptight, yells at you, yells at the kids, then you get angry and pull away more. He doesn't understand what is happening and what he could be doing to fix it.
YOU've got a problem, too, and counselling would help you. You're getting flaky broad syndrome....life could be so much better if H wasn't around, yada, yada, yada.....You've got a rare man there that recognizes he has a problem and is trying to correct it. Or are you gonna be another statistic that throws in the towel when the roses aren't so pretty anymore?
should you stay if you're not happy? No, not at all. But, before you mess up your tidy home and play havoc with your kids lives, you'd better make sure you see the whole picture and decided then if its worth it to walk or better to suck it up and realize what being married means. Yep, getting a job, paying bills by yourself, fixing the house when something goes wrong, taking care of the kids without a hand there, having to try to explain to them just why Daddy doesn't live with you.....sounds like fun, doesn't it?
Take off the glasses and look very good long and hard at your H thru someone else's eyes. You might be surprised by what you see.
__________________ * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * This is my life.....I'm only letting you playing in it. Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.... ......It's already tomorrow in Australia. ~~~ Charles Shultz
I'm trying to be as supportive of this as I can ~ but to be honest with you, I'm having a hard time doing it.
Your and her, aren't the same situation GA. Similar but not the same. You have the capacity to go out and be self supporting ~ a different ball game for a SAHM of the last seven years with no job experince ~ history and two small children.
So part of the problen here is there's no spark, guess what you dump this guy, you're going to have the same with the next guy ~ eventually. Its only a matter of time.
We all like to believe that life and mariage is something like Leave It To Beaver where everyone is blissfully happy, supporting and loving and all of life's worse problems are solved.
Roseanne, (until she got flakey) was reflecting more of the day to day reality of American Family life, a couple trying to raise children and hold it together, Sometimes getting the ends meeting in the middle but oftentimes and more time than not ~ not being able to tie them together.
The truth of the matter is when it comes to Leave It To Beaver, is that Ward's cheating on June, June she's got a drinking problem. Walley on drugs, and the Beve ~ well there's a reason he's always hanging out with a bunch of guys and grinning.
These stories of woe, about I've got a wonderful husband who has a good job and a good carrer, and provides us with a wonderful home, nice cars, wonderful vacations, nice clothes, meals, medical and dental ~ and who's my best friend in the whole wide world, and I love him ~ but I'm just not in love with him ~ I don't feel that feeling.
The truth of the matter is being so called "in love" is a bio-chemical reaction in the brain, with brain scans showing almost exacting images as the same to be found in someone who suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder, and it last anywhere from three months to six years, just about the amount of time necesarry to conceive a child and to raise same said child to where it can walk, talk, feed itself, the rudemnetary elements of taking care of themselves. After which time it wears off. (Source National Geographic ~ http://www7.nationalgeographic.com/ngm/0602/feature2/)
So yea! Go ahead and leave these wonderful guys, that are your good and dearest, (dare I say it?) best friends. Break their hearts, tear their world apart. Why not? You're entitled to be "happy" You deserve to be "happy" You deserve it! You're entitled.
The founding papers of America (I'm tired, and I spranged my ankle at work) doesn't promise "happines" they talk about the pursuit of happiness.
So yea! I'd dump the DH. But, don't come back here in six years talking about the new SO, and how they're your best friend, and that you love them, but aren't in love with them. And, again, and again and again.
MsP probally has one the best handles on this. She's been married, she's cheated, she's re-married and is now married to the man of her dreams. But, I'll bet next month's retirement check from the Marine Corps that she works damn hard at holding it together each and every day, and she has no problem pulling her DH punk card. Same with Lady Jane and her DH.
All of us have gone through this. And, we've come out the otherside of it, and we've gotten real about it, and about our lives.
In closing the Devil you know is better than the one that you don't know. There are many different levels of Hell, and to some, to many the level that which you suffer at looks like Paradise. Be grateful, be damn thankful for what you have, instead of complaining about what you don't have. Trust me, there are women out here in this world that would give their eye teeth for what you've got.
Finally, I will leave you with this. I use to tell my Marines. If you cannot tell me and convince me of the difference between the way it is and the way it should be, and proivde me with a least one (I'm cutting you some slack~ I would demand at least three from them) better solution ~ then you're just bitchin' to be bitchin' and you don't have a problem!
I'm hearing "my husband's this, and my husband's that, and my husband doesn't do this, and my husband does that. What I'm not hearing is your accountabilty. What I'm not hearing is your solution to the problem and your answers to the questions. Either be part of the solution and part of the answer to the questions or be gone.
Got a freaking news flash for you! You dump your husband's your still aren't going to be happy! Because you're the one responsible for your happiness! Not me! Not Gunny376! You! And it not your husband's responsibilty to make you happy! Its your responsibility.
__________________
I may not be perfect! But, parts of me are pretty awesome, and I'm working on the rest!
Sorry GG and FL--its called being honest and giving a reality check. Sometimes people need that smack in the face to wake them up. If you wanted a pat on the back and a hug for walking out of your M, you've come to the wrong place....or at least I'm the wrong person to talk to.
It takes a heck of a lot to make a M work these days and most people don't have the strength to do it. I've read horror stories of abuse, neglect, drinking, drugs...you name it. And all you've got to complain about is a wonderful guy who provides and is there for his family but you "don't love him anymore". Those words are soooo easy to say. and the devistation it creates is beyond your wildest imagination.
My H kicked me to the curb, without hesistation and when I asked how I was going to support myself and 3 kids on my income his response was basically "that's not my problem." 6 months later when I couldn't take it anymore and moved out, bought my own place, his response was "I don't know how I'm going to be able to afford anything, pay the bills...." One guess at to what I said. Didn't seem to bother him when he was doing it to me.
So yeah, you wanna be happy? Fine, don't we all. But you can work on yourself (ding ding), on your M, you can make them better, you can make them stronger, you can instill the passion again, the laughter.....or you can say poor me, I married too young, I'm not in love with him anymore, I settled when there's better, etc etc etc.
I stand by what I said - if we aren't getting the living sh@t beat out of us, or being cheated on or cheating ourselves, there is no support group here.
People change. When I said I could relate, I was meaning her emotions. Of course her story isn't going to be word for word my own. Give me a break - get out of your military attitude and learn some compassion. And yes, my husband is former military, so I do know the "ways" that they teach y'all.
We aren't happy... that's all there should be to it. I know this lady and I came here for just a bit of support. To just have a shoulder to lean on because it is a difficult situation to be in. We do have great people we're married to. But, each of us have changed into people that aren't compatible anymore. Our lives may be better, they may not be. Even someone with the worst marriage in the world can't know if their life will be better or not.
With that said, quit belittling situations like ours. It's very real and very difficult for us now. You may not understand it, because you've never been there. Fine. But just believe us when we say we aren't happy and we do believe it's the marriage that is causing it. WE are there on a regular basis, not you.
Also - what you said about marrying again. Personally, I don't know that I ever would. Simply because I know myself more today than I did 6 years ago. Will that change when I'm 40? Possibly. I would much rather have a commited relationship rather than a legal marriage. Starting another relationship is the farthest thing from my mind.
Edit - never mind. Trying to find support in a support group for people contemplating divorce is apparently not going to happen here. How dissappointing. I'm sorry you have all had crap marriages that ended horribly. I've been through the relationship where I was being yelled at, threatened with suicide (My boyfriend put a gun in his mouth in front of me twice) - and what I'm going through now is 5 times more difficult than what I dealt with with him.
Last edited by GraphicsGoddess; 29th September 2006 at 10:58 AM..
GG, you're right and I apologize if we seemed to be belittling your situations at all. To those of us that have been hurt and left in a M we tried to save, we do need to step back sometimes and remember that there are other sides to the coin.
No, a loveless M doesn't work. I do know that since that was how my first one ended, and it was my choice. My second ended with a blow to the heart, and so I do tend to forget about the first one and think more of the second. If you truely aren't happy, cannot see that counselling or see yourself staying a M that you honestly don't want, then no, don't stay. and never stay for the sake of the kids.
I do have to disagree with your thoughts that you have to be abused or cheated on to get support here--my H was not an abuser, and as far as I know he never did physically cheat. and there are a lot of people on here with the same stories. Is it harder for us to try and help those looking for a divorce? Hell, yeah! But will we not? Never.
One of the biggest pieces of advice I would ever give to someone wanting to leave a M is to remember that all of your actions now will affect your future relationship with the SO. ie: if your nasty now it will play itself out in the future in dealings with the kids, the bills, the home, college, you name it. There will still be birthday parties, graduations, some holidays that will have to be spent with each other. they can be comfortable (as possible) or they can be tearing the kids apart cuz Mom and Dad can't be in the same room together. Try and keep it as civil as possible and remember to keep your cool on everything. don't drag others into the mess, and that includes your kids...they are not adults and should never be subjected to the minute details of the divorce.
Once again, I apologize and thank you for smacking me in the head!
part of his anger problem is more than likely stemming from feeling you pulling away from him. Its a vicious cycle....you pull away, don't want intimacy, he doesn't understand, he gets angry, he's uptight, yells at you, yells at the kids, then you get angry and pull away more. He doesn't understand what is happening and what he could be doing to fix it.
YOU've got a problem, too, and counselling would help you. You're getting flaky broad syndrome....life could be so much better if H wasn't around, yada, yada, yada.....You've got a rare man there that recognizes he has a problem and is trying to correct it. Or are you gonna be another statistic that throws in the towel when the roses aren't so pretty anymore?
should you stay if you're not happy? No, not at all. But, before you mess up your tidy home and play havoc with your kids lives, you'd better make sure you see the whole picture and decided then if its worth it to walk or better to suck it up and realize what being married means. Yep, getting a job, paying bills by yourself, fixing the house when something goes wrong, taking care of the kids without a hand there, having to try to explain to them just why Daddy doesn't live with you.....sounds like fun, doesn't it?
Take off the glasses and look very good long and hard at your H thru someone else's eyes. You might be surprised by what you see.
I don't think this post is too harsh, and I agree it's a reality check. I think this post is really good advice, if the receiver does take it offensively.
thanks Rooster but some tactfulness does go farther than critism....which we all tend to forget every now and then. While I do tend to pull for the side of keeping the family together, it has to be if and only if both parties are willing to work on it. Flaky Spouse Syndrome is rampant, they do need to see the whole truth before walking out the door, but doesn't mean I should rip into them....
I would say that I have been accused of many things in my life, but being flaky is not one of them. I actually tend to get myself into jams because I think too long and hard about the simplest things.
In my opinion, a flaky spouse in was who just leaves with no explanation. Ones who are there, but not feeling the love anymore aren't flaky - they're just trying to find themselves and their place in the world.
its the ones who give off very few signals, minimal warning that warrant the term FBS. Usually its associated with having a MLC....may not be the best term for it but there you go.
Of course the signs are there if they will be looked at. In FL case, her H senses the warning signs but doesn't understand them. If she were to come right out and explain herself to him, maybe this is something that could be resolved, or it could not....all depending on whether she is willing to try. He's already proven he thinks the M is worth keeping--the ball is now in her court. And believe you me, a man who senses there is a problem but doesn't know the truth and yet is still willing to take responsibility and try to shore up his end of the marriage...most women would be lucky to find a man like that once in their lifetime.
I can guarantee you, I'm not in love with you anymore is not going to be taken at face value, with him walking out the door into the sunset. He's gonna blame himself, he's gonna blame her, he's gonna go thru pain and humilation. She's gonna get angry because he can't understand why she feels the way she does and he's gonna get angry because he won't understand. And the kids will be dragged along for the ride, no matter how hard you try and keep them out of it.
that is the ugly truth to separations and divorces.
A person has every right to find themselves and their place in the world but does not have the right to emotionally harm others in their persuit. I can say this confidently as I have been on both sides of the coin.
Last edited by Lor; 29th September 2006 at 3:32 PM..
its the ones who give off very few signals, minimal warning that warrant the term FBS. Usually its associated with having a MLC....may not be the best term for it but there you go.
Of course the signs are there if they will be looked at. In FL case, her H senses the warning signs but doesn't understand them. If she were to come right out and explain herself to him, maybe this is something that could be resolved, or it could not....all depending on whether she is willing to try. He's already proven he thinks the M is worth keeping--the ball is now in her court. And believe you me, a man who senses there is a problem but doesn't know the truth and yet is still willing to take responsibility and try to shore up his end of the marriage...most women would be lucky to find a man like that once in their lifetime.
I can guarantee you, I'm not in love with you anymore is not going to be taken at face value, with him walking out the door into the sunset. He's gonna blame himself, he's gonna blame her, he's gonna go thru pain and humilation. She's gonna get angry because he can't understand why she feels the way she does and he's gonna get angry because he won't understand. And the kids will be dragged along for the ride, no matter how hard you try and keep them out of it.
that is the ugly truth to separations and divorces.
A person has every right to find themselves and their place in the world but does not have the right to emotionally harm others in their persuit. I can say this confidently as I have been on both sides of the coin.
MLC? Many abbreviations here that I still don't know.
I know (I can only speak for myself here) that telling someone that "you love them, but aren't in love with them" is NOT the way to go. I know there are other problems with us, other than just that. No, they aren't your conventional abuse or hatred that you do tend to see in marriages going south, but they are there.
From my own view point, it's rather frustrating to see my husband, who I really think knows something is wrong, just sit back and try to act like nothing is wrong. To me, it's him not maning up and saying something. When it's obvious that your wife doesn't want to have "relations" with you (2 years later!!!) don't you think that they should take some of that responsibility? I let loose on him a year ago and told him many things that I'd kept bottled up - one being that I wanted him to stand up to me and tell me what he was thinking. He hasn't held up his end of the bargain.
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Totally lost about
. This is one of those guys who's just wonderful...I just wished I could say I felt as strong as I should. After 2months apart way back when, after feeling terrible because I knew he was miserable (we hung out in the same circle of friends) and much encouragement from friends to get back together with him I did. 
thanks Rooster but some tactfulness does go farther than critism....which we all tend to forget every now and then. While I do tend to pull for the side of keeping the family together, it has to be if and only if both parties are willing to work on it. Flaky Spouse Syndrome is rampant, they do need to see the whole truth before walking out the door, but doesn't mean I should rip into them....
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