First of all, I am a married woman with two small children. I have a good husband. We have for the most part a very good marriage.
Now, here is where it gets a bit complicated. I know it is going to sound like many other threads, but I need to know why is it that you may be living your life as best as you possibly can, and all of a sudden someone you meet can emotionally turn your life upside down within a matter of months??
I thought I would never consider entertaining the thought of possibly being unfaithful to my husband, although it has not come anywhere near that stage as of yet but......
I've met a married man through some mutual acquaintances we have. I believe we were drawn to each other from the very beginning. As I mentioned before he is married with children as well. I do not know if his marriage is a happy one or not. I realize that still shouldn't justify my thoughts.
We run in to each other quite frequently, and have gone out to dinner with each others families. His wife seems to be a very nice and caring person. He also strikes me as a kind person too. So, I don't know if these feelings are as new to him as they are to me.
When I first met him I knew there was chemistry between us, but I put it out of my mind as best as I could, but then I noticed he was giving me little signs for ex: giving me that extra eye contact, going out of his way to be extra nice to me, developing the same interests as I do, being helpful by sending me e-mails of things of interest to me.
Slowly there has been a developing emotional dependancy to see him whether he is with his family or not. I have included him along wih his family into our lives, he has done the same as well. I'm not sure if this is healthy or not, but I think sub-consciously we find that this is the only way to remain in contact without overstepping our boundaries. Mind you we have not verbally acknowledged our attraction towards each other. I'm assuming he does not want to do anything hurtful to his family and in an odd kind of way I feel the same way too. I would not want to hurt my family nor would I like it if my husband was the one writing this. I like the way things are because I feel nobody gets hurt, but at the same time I wonder if we were ever alone what would happen? I'd like to think that we are responsible enough not cross that line, at least I hope so.
I accidently found this site and read through some of the threads and I found that many other people have had similar situations as I have found myself in. I feel guilty for putting so much thought into this man, whereas I could be putting all this energy into fixing whatever is missing in my relationship with my husband. I thought all was well in my marriage until I met this man. I seem to be out of sorts and can only fantasize on what if's.... I daydream and entertain thoughts of developing something more, what would happen? Does he feel as I do? or is it just all in my mind, but all the little subtle signs are there, I cannot deny them. he has made them quite clear in many unspoken ways. As I write this I see quite clearly that I am a selfish person, I am not proud of who I have become as of lately.
I need helpful honest to goodness advice. If I seem to have been rambling, it is only because I am new to all these overwhelming feelings, confusion, guilt, and I need steering towards the right direction.
I believe we were drawn to each other from the very beginning.
As soon as you noticed this, you should have backed away and not entertained the thoughts/feelings that are now being felt.
BOTH of you are married, you have a good marriage and a loving husband. Why mess that up because you've allowed yourself to fall for another man?
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Slowly there has been a developing emotional dependancy to see him whether he is with his family or not. I have included him along wih his family into our lives, he has done the same as well. I'm not sure if this is healthy or not
It's not healthy and you know why. Imagine if your husband and his wife were the ones spending "family" time with you, while you're thinking it's innocent and platonic, it's actually not.
Both you and the MM are making fools of your spouses...They just aren't privy to this information though. DO you think that they would approve of this budding emotional friendship? My guess is no.
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I like the way things are because I feel nobody gets hurt, but at the same time I wonder if we were ever alone what would happen?
See, you shouldn't be letting yourself have those thoughts, it's only feeding your attraction to him and making you want him more.
Also, the way to avoid something happening between you two is DO NOT PUT yourself in that situation where it could happen. I would hope that the fact you're married with children would be enough to stop you, and that he's married with a family as well...Don't get caught up in the heat of the moment, if you do, you'll mess up you life as you know it now.
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I'd like to think that we are responsible enough not cross that line, at least I hope so.
okay I feel the same and to tell you the truth when you get an answer tell me, I am now just trying to live day to day, and look for a sign that I should say something or do something, but what and with who. I'm not a cheater, but do I get devoriced to find out it was for nothing, i don't know yet, but if I get an answer I'll let ya know.
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Originally Posted by Guest/Reality check
First of all, I am a married woman with two small children. I have a good husband. We have for the most part a very good marriage.
Now, here is where it gets a bit complicated. I know it is going to sound like many other threads, but I need to know why is it that you may be living your life as best as you possibly can, and all of a sudden someone you meet can emotionally turn your life upside down within a matter of months??
I thought I would never consider entertaining the thought of possibly being unfaithful to my husband, although it has not come anywhere near that stage as of yet but......
I've met a married man through some mutual acquaintances we have. I believe we were drawn to each other from the very beginning. As I mentioned before he is married with children as well. I do not know if his marriage is a happy one or not. I realize that still shouldn't justify my thoughts.
We run in to each other quite frequently, and have gone out to dinner with each others families. His wife seems to be a very nice and caring person. He also strikes me as a kind person too. So, I don't know if these feelings are as new to him as they are to me.
When I first met him I knew there was chemistry between us, but I put it out of my mind as best as I could, but then I noticed he was giving me little signs for ex: giving me that extra eye contact, going out of his way to be extra nice to me, developing the same interests as I do, being helpful by sending me e-mails of things of interest to me.
Slowly there has been a developing emotional dependancy to see him whether he is with his family or not. I have included him along wih his family into our lives, he has done the same as well. I'm not sure if this is healthy or not, but I think sub-consciously we find that this is the only way to remain in contact without overstepping our boundaries. Mind you we have not verbally acknowledged our attraction towards each other. I'm assuming he does not want to do anything hurtful to his family and in an odd kind of way I feel the same way too. I would not want to hurt my family nor would I like it if my husband was the one writing this. I like the way things are because I feel nobody gets hurt, but at the same time I wonder if we were ever alone what would happen? I'd like to think that we are responsible enough not cross that line, at least I hope so.
I accidently found this site and read through some of the threads and I found that many other people have had similar situations as I have found myself in. I feel guilty for putting so much thought into this man, whereas I could be putting all this energy into fixing whatever is missing in my relationship with my husband. I thought all was well in my marriage until I met this man. I seem to be out of sorts and can only fantasize on what if's.... I daydream and entertain thoughts of developing something more, what would happen? Does he feel as I do? or is it just all in my mind, but all the little subtle signs are there, I cannot deny them. he has made them quite clear in many unspoken ways. As I write this I see quite clearly that I am a selfish person, I am not proud of who I have become as of lately.
I need helpful honest to goodness advice. If I seem to have been rambling, it is only because I am new to all these overwhelming feelings, confusion, guilt, and I need steering towards the right direction.
Have you considered the possibility that he is not romantically interested in you & you are interpreting things to fit your fantasy? I mean you use phrases like 'sub-consciously' to define his actions in inviting you & your husband over. Little signs like eye-contact from him or him being 'extra nice' to you can simply mean that that is the kind of guy he is with people whose company he enjoys, male & female. I don't doubt how you feel, but I just don't get that he necessarily feels the same way. Has there been anything overt from him?
It sounds like you're already having an emotional affair, even if it is one sided, so you've started on the slippery slope. You'll probably start nit-picking with your husband to justify your emotional withdrawl from him (if you haven't done so already). You're going to have to limit contact with this guy, at least until you get over your crush on him.
okay I feel the same and to tell you the truth when you get an answer tell me, I am now just trying to live day to day, and look for a sign that I should say something or do something, but what and with who. I'm not a cheater, but do I get devoriced to find out it was for nothing, i don't know yet, but if I get an answer I'll let ya know.
I've said this before on other posts, and I'll say it here. You can't go "try out" another relationship, see if it works, then divorce...OR, try it out, then it doesn't work and then you go back to your husband. This is a typical the grass is greener on the otherside of the fence! IT's all based on fantasy, good feelings, crushes, all happy go lucky. The opposite of life at home, where LIFE is real, good, bad and the ugly all mixed up into one nice package. Money issues, house problems, inlaws, sick kids, whatever...This MM represents an escape...
If you divorce, do it because you're no longer happy at home and you'll be FINE alone either way. Don't end your marriage with the hopes the MM will end his. Chances are, he'll balk and realize WTF - I love my wife and there's NO way I'm ending my marriage to be with someone I really don't know...
Figure it out, but please, don't go and cheat on your husband. EIther fix the marriage or end it.
I daydream and entertain thoughts of developing something more, what would happen? Does he feel as I do? or is it just all in my mind, but all the little subtle signs are there, I cannot deny them. he has made them quite clear in many unspoken ways. As I write this I see quite clearly that I am a selfish person, I am not proud of who I have become as of lately.
I don't see it as you being selfish as much as you are confused. You've got these feelings for an acquaintance who is in the same boat as you, who you believe is giving you signals to pursue an extramarital relationship with him, even as you admit to liking his family. Frankly, I smell a skunk. If he's as decent a guy as he's made out to be, he wouldn't be making goo-goo eyes unless he's the kind of schmuck who does this kind of thing to spice up his life. In other words, seriously weigh the possibilities of your being number X in a line of females who get hooked into his particular emotional/sexual drama.
something about those signals is making you feel sexy or wanted or needed by this guy. Instead of looking at him as the answer, dig deeper into why you feel the way you do and how that relates to the relationship you've got with the guy you married. Maybe this is merely just a wake-up call for you to see yourself as more than wife and mom to your family, and that you can channel your energy and thoughts into making your marriage as spicy as you imagine how a relationship with Other Guy could be.
__________________ Ham and eggs ... a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
You say that you wouldn't like it if your husband did this, then why are you doing it? For thrilling sex? You should talk to your husband about what you have told us on this thread. Don't hurt your husband, then say "sorry honey, it just happened" PLEASE!!!! You're about to ruin everything in your marriage, your husband, your kids, everything! You say that you have a GOOD husband, is this the way to repay him? By screwing another man? Think about it, and get back with us.
When temptation and questions and confusion come into your life, hold yourself to your own wedding vows. That's the whole point of making them. The answers to all your questions are very clear if you live up to the promises you made.
When you promise to forsake all others, it doesn't mean you'll forsake all others until somebody attractive and tempting comes along.
As I write this I see quite clearly that I am a selfish person, I am not proud of who I have become as of lately.
Just imagine what it will do to your self-image and self-respect if it goes any further.
Imagine how you will explain to your children what happened. Imagine how they will feel about you and problems they may suffer as a result.
They may end up with trust issues in their relationships, fear of abandonment if it ends up leading to a divorce, etc.
Your actions have a HUGE impact on them and their potential happiness in the rest of their lives.
Imagine trying to explain to your husband, your good husband (when so many aren't so lucky) that you have had an affair. -- Or imagine the complications as he becomes friends with this guy as well all under the ruse of families getting together for fun only to find out the two of you are having an affair. What do you think would happen? Oh boy. Messy to say the least.
How will you feel about yourself after all of that?
I think beyond all of the external damage, you will do tremendous damage to yourself. Most people don't bother at this stage to examine their actions and they feel about how their choices are affecting them. But you have even at this stage.
I believe what other listers are saying is sound advice. End the friendship. Don't see him anymore.
I thought all was well in my marriage until I met this man. I seem to be out of sorts and can only fantasize on what if's.... I daydream and entertain thoughts of developing something more, what would happen? Does he feel as I do? or is it just all in my mind, but all the little subtle signs are there, I cannot deny them. he has made them quite clear in many unspoken ways. As I write this I see quite clearly that I am a selfish person, I am not proud of who I have become as of lately.
I need helpful honest to goodness advice. If I seem to have been rambling, it is only because I am new to all these overwhelming feelings, confusion, guilt, and I need steering towards the right direction.
Thank you in advance for any helpful advice.
Hi there!
You know, you sound just like me a year ago, before I opened the 'pandora's box', so to speak.
Like you, I am a married woman and I've never been unfaithful to my H.... There was always some attraction between a MM (my H's friend) and me. I became confused and I wanted to know.... And I did. It turns out that I was right, he is just attracted to me as I am to him.
But then so what? We are both married! There is no happy ending in KNOWING how he feels about you. It makes you long for him MORE. It makes you think about him MORE.
Right now, I am trying to work on my marriage. He (my MM), however, realized that he wanted something else and is now separated from his W. The brief affair that we had opened both of our eyes and changed us in profound ways. I have become so much more assertive toward my H since the affair. So I can't say it's all bad... but it was certainly very painful to go through life after knowing that HE felt so much LOVE for me!!! It was such a mind-shocking awakening for me. In my heart, I will always thank him, I will always be grateful to him for making me realize what a beautiful person I am. (He told me that I did the same for him.)
But I have to warn you that "results may vary." Knowing how your MM feels about you can be the beginning of living in hell for you. I have read so many stories of OWs who become completely broken by the affair and still can't pull themselves out of it. I can assure you this: it is very, very difficult to pull yourself out of an affair! The addiction is like nothing I've ever experienced in my life! So be very careful about opening this box.
I really hope we are influencing the decisions of these people who are on the verge or having affairs. The tragedy that comes from affairs is overwhelming to say the least, and is a life altering experience for all involved, especially the estranged partners.
Have you considered the possibility that he is not romantically interested in you & you are interpreting things to fit your fantasy? I mean you use phrases like 'sub-consciously' to define his actions in inviting you & your husband over. Little signs like eye-contact from him or him being 'extra nice' to you can simply mean that that is the kind of guy he is with people whose company he enjoys, male & female. I don't doubt how you feel, but I just don't get that he necessarily feels the same way. Has there been anything overt from him?
It sounds like you're already having an emotional affair, even if it is one sided, so you've started on the slippery slope. You'll probably start nit-picking with your husband to justify your emotional withdrawl from him (if you haven't done so already). You're going to have to limit contact with this guy, at least until you get over your crush on him.
Blue chocolate, you may possibly have a point. Maybe he is this way with people whose company he enjoys. Gosh, If I am having a one-sided emotional affair, I am more messed up than I thought to have previously been. Yikes! What can I do, I hate to feel this way.
Gosh, If I am having a one-sided emotional affair, I am more messed up than I thought to have previously been.
Not at all. In fact quite the opposite, which is why I used the word 'crush' in my first post. Surely things would get even more difficult if you discovered that he was harbouring similar feelings towards you? (which is something you should in no way attempt to ascertain, for obvious reasons)
Just because we're in relationships doesn't mean we're suddenly going to stop finding other people attractive or become immune to their charms & personalities. I see no reason why a relationship can't survive the odd crush or two on someone else. What matters is how you handle it. Recognise it for what it is & remember that most of the crushes we've had in our lives have amounted to nothing. When single & free it is relatively harmless to explore those, married with children the stakes are much higher.
You know, I can't believe how heartless most of you people replying to this thread are being!
My advice is for you to take time to seriously think about what you would want, both from your marriage and from the other man. Beforre thinking about any complications just think about what you want.
If that is your husband then you have a resolution to the issue. If, however, you come to the conclusion that you my no longer love your husband but the other man then you have to talk to both of them.
As for the fact that you have kids, that shouldn't really affect your decision execpt in so far as if you are happy then the kids will be happier than if you are unhappy
You know, I can't believe how heartless most of you people replying to this thread are being!
Really? I fail to see that at all. People come here for objective advice & different opinions & for the most part that is what they get. If they want it sugar coated then they should say so from the start or not bother posting anything at all.
I get the impression you've rather misunderstood the first post. She has not described an unhappy marriage & nothing has happened between these two. It's possible he doesn't feel anything for her at all other than friendship & I did not get the impression that she loves this man & how could she? They haven't even spent any time alone together!
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Beforre thinking about any complications just think about what you want.
IMO once you bring children into the world it is your responsibilty to think of any complications that will effect your family before putting your own desires first. Why on earth get married & have children in the first place if you're going to adopt a philosophy of me above all others? You can't even begin to entertain this scenario without thinking of the wider ramifications, which is why, I guess, she is here.
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