I used every method of surveillance imaginable, and couldn't catch her. But after she took a trip to the Twin Cities (I'm in a rural Minnesota town over a 100 miles from there) for a "meeting", I grabbed her feminine pad that she wore there and set it in to a lab for testing, and it tested positive for sperm. It couldn't have been me - we hadn't "done it" for almost a month prior to that.
So. I live in a no-fault divorce state, so I have no divorce leverage. I have two boys, 10 and 8. We have about 200k in net worth, with a hefty mortgage on the house. She's terrible with the kids, and often says she loves them but equally often says she wishes she didn't have them. I don't want her to have them.
I am done with her. I can see "staying together for the kids". How often does that work? I haven't even confronted her yet. I just got the test results moments ago. I will have to wait to confront her about this until the kids are gone to school, which leaves today out.
Suggestions? Should I confront her at home, or go somewhere "safe", and where would that be? I'll damned sure be recording that conversation on my handy-dandy digital recorder, that's for sure.
Thanks in advance for any help. I'm sure not thinking clearly right now.
Despite all of this, do you love her? Ideally, what do you want to really happen?
Quote:
So. I live in a no-fault divorce state, so I have no divorce leverage
Essentially, what you are trying to say is that you wouldnt be granted a divorce for this? Or that you wouldnt be granted a divorce, period? I thought all states were a no-fault divorce state?
You might say that I am intrigued by your story.
__________________ To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already 3 parts dead. ~Bertrand Russell
No fault divorce means that you don't have to find reasons as to why you are petitioning divorce - you just apply, and they grant it - very straight forward. Fault divorce refers to saying something like "she cheated, therefore I want a divorce".
My advice is to not confront her until you have a plan formulated - leave, stay together, you keep the kids etc. Probably better to wait until you've cooled off as well.
Basically, no - I no longer love her. She's the bitch from hell. She derides and swears at the boys, and me as well. She's unappreciative of what she has (we're not poor, at all). She doesn't have to have a job other than keeping the house, and she doesn't even do that. She blames me and the boys for everything that goes wrong in her life (from dropping dishes when nobody is around, to complaining that our older but nice car has some quirks)..
OK - yeah - I know that no-fault divorce means divorce is easy. The problem is that it also means that the affair would have no bearing whatsoever on the settlment - I don't care about posessions or money, but I want to protect the boys from her. I quite honestly have no leverage there. The lawyer said that being she's a stay-at-home-mom means that it'd be damned near impossible for me to remove the kids from her unless I can prove she's the Devil incarnate (which I could maybe do if I have the patience to document it).
BTW - when I married her, she was independent, thoughtful, etc. Having kids, even though she wanted them more than I at the time, has changed her into a miserable human being. She'd be better off without the kids, she's stated as much to her friend (I overheard it), but I think that the culture of Motherhood would make her fight tooth and nail for custody.
Get out of the marriage, become friendly enough that you both can be a big part of your kids lives, but do NOT stay married for the sake of those kids! The way you feel about her, that energy WILL be felt by your kids. Trust me, they'll be listening and snooping because that's what kids do sometimes.
Divorce and move on. But, don't screw her over, because if you do that, you're screwing your own kids.
Divorce and move on. But, don't screw her over, because if you do that, you're screwing your own kids.
I definitely appreciate that sentiment. I feel too much like I owe her nothing, except for giving birth to the kids. But that is beside the point. If she got the kids, I'd make sure I stay involved and that they're well cared for. But damned sure neither one of us will be able to maintain our current lifestyle if she gets them.
I fully suspect that you're right in that they would pick up on the negative vibes, if they haven't already. Just for the record - here was my idea of "staying together for the kids". Open marriage, in which I'd probably just go without a relationship until they move out. She can screw around as much as she wants to. This all sounds awful. Has anybody made this work? I know that I could, just for the kids. But I don't know about her. I don't want her going "Andrea Yates" on me (bet that b*tch never thought her name would be used as a verb before she drowned her kids in the tub).
The thing is, what your kids 'see' and 'hear' at home, sticks later in life. It's really not OK to have an open marriage, and be in a marriage if both people practically HATE eachother. Your kids will see this and apply it in their life at some point. I doubt you nor your soon to be ex wants that for them.
Maybe some couples therapy would help resolve the bitter issues and then you both can be the loving and kind parents you're meant to be.
I grabbed her feminine pad that she wore there and set it in to a lab for testing, and it tested positive for sperm.
I have to admit, your method of confirming adultery is pretty.. crazy o.o
I never actually thought someone would go through all that. I mean, sure, maybe hire a private investigator that might do it all, but THAT.. wow.
I guess I'm just surprised.
By the way you talk about your wife, it's obvious you don't love her anymore. Pardon the question, but I'm curious.. what led you to believe she was cheating on you to begin with?
It might not take that much to prove she's a lousy person, just one or two hidden cameras for a week should be enough, and maybe you can have that sperm tested for DNA and compared to yours.. as proof of adultery.
Talk to her.. (and record if you wish) regarding adultery, but don't tell her HOW you found out.. maybe discuss the children during that recording, and see how hostile she might get. Don't be sarcastic, accussational or temperamental.. try to be as calm as possible. Actually, you can first approach her and tell her you overheard her say some things about the kids.
WOW. There is A LOT going on. I am having a hard time picking my jaw up off the floor since I read "I just got the results moments ago...".
Have you told the lawyer about the statements she makes regarding not having the kids and not wanting them? Maybe THAT would sway a judges opinion or record her when she is around them to show how they are treated.
I am so sorry about all of this!
I wonder if you can stay calm and keep it together in order to start gathering info to use against her to get the kids. - ?
Are you feeling ANY jealousy or rage? Because if you are - even somewhere in the tiniest recesses of your mind it could come out unexpectedly and possibly she will make the first move.
She sounds like she is doing enough behind your back that she is thinking a lot more sneaky than you. And you don't want her trying to gather ammo to make YOU the bad guy.
Pardon the question, but I'm curious.. what led you to believe she was cheating on you to begin with?
I suspect it was a different lover, but on Sept 23rd of LAST year she came home after a visit to a local community some 30 miles from here, 4 hours later than she said she'd be home, and never said anything about going to this other city. Supposedly just a shopping trip in town (10 miles away). The wedding ring was gone, her makeup was gone (she was in "full dress" upon leaving). Her pants reeked of sex (if you know the scent of pre-colital fluids that have been sitting on clothes for a while, you'd know what I mean). I noticed THAT while following her up the steps from the basement. Her excuse was flimsy, and she emphasized "she" when she explained who she went to see there. Lots of red flags there.
I had used CheckMate (with very frequent positive results), but hadn't sent anything to a lab to this point. I was beginning to question the validity of the CheckMate test because I couldn't catch any specific behavior indicative of an affair (cell phone records, computer activity, etc).
I was about to let this whole thing go in order to figure out a way to get the kids away from this situation, but she slipped and said "we" when referring to a trouble she was having with the TV in her hotel room. Search on my nic, you'll see my other posts. I was hammered down the last time I posted here - I was told that I needed to get a life and get my kids out of here. They were right, and I'm documenting her treatment of the kids. Video cameras don't do it, because she doesn't physically abuse them - all of the abuse has been verbal.
By the way... She did a very admirable job to keep from being detected. That's the intelligence that was part of my initial attraction to her
I would Document all the times, dates, what was said to the children, etc. Ask your lawyer about going for SOLE custody on grounds of verbal abuse, I know will be hard to prove, but for them it's worth it, you DO need to get those children away from her, yes she WILL fight no doubt, like a dog, (no pun intended). I would NOT confront her just now, DON'T sleep with her, and get checked for STDs. Why do I say don't confront her just now? Well, you don't want to alert her to ANYTHING, so, just remain calm, start documenting the things going on, gather your evidence, make sure that you have NO trace of this site on your computer, NO favorites, NO cookies, NO history, NO pretypes, NO save this web site, etc. I think I remember you, but I didn't bash you. Also, I would go for the house, if you can. Does anyone have anything else to add? Hang in there MAN, Just remember, DON'T confront her yet without all your ducks in a row with your lawyer.
You also need to document when she says, that she wishes she didn't have the children.
Thanks, Sup. Yeah, I think I remember your nic from my previous posts.
I am a computer guy, she's definitely not. I have my computer lock itself after 5 minutes of inactivity, she won't get in here Good idea to recommend it, though.
I have the conversation mentioned in your quote above recorded, so that may work in my favor ('nuff said about that). Patience is still called for (though I was ready for a confrontation earlier today). Thanks again!
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Good idea to recommend it, though.
Linear Mode
