[Guinevere04]

My husband and I have been together 7 1/2 years and married for almost 6. We have been through so much with his ex-wife and their child, the loss of his job twice, loss of a house due to his ex-wife, and the birth of a wonderful baby boy 2 years ago that I would not trade for anything in the world. But the last 3 years have been so hard, we do not get along AT ALL. We have been going to counseling since February and are both on antidepressants/anti-anxiety medication because we both feel like we are in a wad all the time. He hates his job and I hate his attitude. His ex-wife is constantly causing trouble and it's one stressor after another in our home.To beat it all, my sister and her husband split up a year ago and she has finally found happiness alone. My husband thinks if I go see my sister, there are men there and I am cheating on him. So there is another topic for arguement. He also expects me to councel my sister on who to date and how to dress and expects me to change the world. His biggest problem with me is that I pay too much attn to our toddler. But my husband gets home at 9pm from work and I am the one who takes care of the baby the most and he does take a lot of my energy.

My biggest complaint of him is that he doesn't care about anything but drinking beer and fussing at me. I have to do everything around the house. He wastes the whole weekend saying he is going to mow the grass so he can't do anything with us, but then he is finally out there on Sunday evening mowing with the headlights on because he sleeps all weekend, every weekend. He also gets angry because I don't want to have sex, but I do not find someone attractive that I am constantly arguing with.

I have had some anxiety spells lately where my eyes twitch really bad, my mouth pulls and I thought I was having a stroke. The dr told me it was nerves and no amount of medicine will change a situation. We had a long talk that day and I told my husband that something had to give. I am tired of arguing all the time, it's bad for our child, it's taking a toll on my health and all of this arguing the last three years has made me emotionally seperated from him. I love him as a person but not like I used to.

He admitted that he has not done anything he has said he would in counseling and I have really tried. But now I am worn out and fed up. He promises that he will do better if I give him another chance, but I just don't have the lovey feelings like I used to. One other thing, and some may think I am horrible, he has lost weight since we were married. He is very, very thin and sickly looking. I just don't feel attracted to him. I feel like I am the big arms of the relationship and I am a size 4. He has been to the dr once about a year ago and they didn't find anything but I think it's all the beer he drinks and not eating real meals since he gets home so late. I know if I gained weight and got fat he wouldn't change how he feels about me, so that is probably bad of me to feel that way about him but I can't help it. He just doesn't look healthy, then when he is hateful on top of it and I am doing all of the work with our child, and his child on our weekend, I just get fed up.

Since I am doing it all alone anyway, what would it hurt to live alone, never having to deal with his ex-wife again or hear any of her lies!!!! But the thought of having to share our son on holidays and weekends, just kills us both. And knowing one day, down the road he may remarry and someone else may have to be my baby's step-mother. UH, just kills me. Which way is more miserable this or that?

What to do, what to do? We have therapy again tomorrow but I feel like we are getting worse instead of better. He swears he will change because he is committed. But my heart isn't in it anymore. I know he loves me, that is one thing that I can definitely say though.