Hi, I have been married for almost 10 years. My husband is an attractive, flirtatious man, working in a professional atmosphere, where he puts in many hours. We have 2 children. Our marriage has been difficult from the beginning, with arguing and a general inability to ever come to basic agreements about how things should be. He is not afffectionate unless he wants to have sex. He has a strong desire to control everything, and I have always been a fairly independent person. He has at times gotten somewhat aggressive, even violent with me, but never in front of the children, and he is never violent toward them. On the contrary, they think he is wonderful.
I have for years suspected him of having affairs or flings for a multitude of reasons. I have stayed home with the children, taking care of them and gaining weight, drowning my sorrows in food and soda. I left him for a week back in June after he pulled my hair and screamed in my face so close he was literally biting my nose as he spoke. He has not behaved like that since, but I have for years, and still do sense a general disgust, dissatisfaction that he has with me, although he will not admit it. I have asked him for a divorce numerous times, but he has promisted to make it as difficult as possible for me if I try to divorce him - not threatening violence, but threatening to withold finances and to try to get custody of our children, just to spite me.
I have been with this man since I was 21, married when I was 26, and now I am 36.
Lately, although it is against my religious and moral beliefs, I find myself wanting to have an affair. I am an attractive, friendly and likeable person. I have allowed myself to gain some amount of weight, which I could easily lose, and I have held back on being friendly to men in general because I have known for a long time that I was susceptible to having an affair because of the lack of love and affection in my marriage.
My children are young and I don't want to disrupt their lives. Yet right now I feel so alone and like what is left of my life as an attractive woman is wasting away. I plan to probably leave my husband when my children are a little older, maybe in 5 years or so, but how do I get through these years? I have lately been scanning the internet and considering men who might be likely candidates. I'm scared of getting caught, though.
Is it ever acceptable to have an affair to help you get through something like this. Yes, I have tried masturbation and fantasy and yes I do have a lot of friends. And I have tried everything I can think of to get my husband to work on our marriage. He will not even wear his wedding ring, though I have asked him to repeatedly.
All I can tell you is, friends are great, but you don't have a physical relationship with your friends. It's not just about sex, it is about being understood, being appreciated, and hearing another person share their thoughts and feelings as well. We have been to counselling several years ago. Three counsellors recommended that I should get a divorce. I do love my husband, believe it or not. I just am so lonely and miserable.
I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. You deserve so much better. You sound like you have a kind heart. I agree with Cindy0039, a divorce would be the best thing you could do for yourself and your kids. If your husband is acting violent towards you, the kids do not need to be exposed to such actions even if it is indirectly (not in front of them).
Having an affair would only complicate the situation by bringing in another person. You should make a clean break from your husband. I wish I could give you more advice. I wish you the best of luck on whatever you decide!!!
If I understand correctly, you would prefer an affair at this time in your family's life because your
"children are young and you don't want to disrupt their lives."
That's because you're in the not uncommon situation where the man in your life is a rotten husband but a great father. It happens.
So you want to compromise: to protect the kids you'll stay married to their good father and to protect yourself you'll cheat on your rotten husband.
Your solution does have a certain balance. If divorce should be a last, not first, resort, especially when young kids are involved, maybe you should risk a very, very discreet affair. I'm concerned, however, that if you're discovered things might get dangerous given your husband's alleged temper. I would be very, very careful.
Perhaps the less risky solution is to get the hell out of the marriage. Your children might benefit from a divorced mom who is happy and has regained her self-esteem. I opt for divorce--it's less risky and a surer solution than an affair. I'd get out from under his shadow.
Originally posted by bark
I'm concerned, however, that if you're discovered things might get dangerous given your husband's alleged temper. Perhaps the less risky solution is to get the hell out of the marriage. Your children might benefit from a divorced mom who is happy and has regained her self-esteem.
Both very good points ... if your husband is violent, is it not best to leave him anyway? Regardless of whether anyone else is involved? Or do you not feel that you are string enough to do it alone?
I would never recommend and affair, to anyone. I have been on both sides of that coin, and neither is a good side to be on. Everyone gets hurt. And what if you did have an affair, and became pregnant? It's just too tricky a situation.
Most people end up in affairs because they fall out of love with their partner and in love with someone else. This sounds to me as if you are looking for trouble. Don't go looking for someone to cheat with. Deal with the situation with your husband, either in counseling or through divorce, and move forward with your life. Your children will respect you for it, and most importantly, you will respect yourself.
divorce doesnt mean he can't be a dad to his children, right? they just won't live together anymore.
also, i think kids sense easily when their parents' relationship has gone sour, and so it does them no good anyway. i personally know some ppl whose parents stayed together "for the kids", and the kids say they wish their parents divorced and stopped acting out a marriage.
I truly appreciate all of you giving my post your thought and answers. It really helps to get some other points of view. I am surprised not to have been bashed by anyone for even thinking of such a thing! When we are young it all seems so cut and dry doesn't it?
I think at this point I am backing off from the idea of having an affair. I think it did me good to at least think about it though, and to know that if I wanted to, I could. Instead, I am going on an all-out information search. I really need to talk to someone with experience in this area. I have decided that since my husband refuses a divorce, I am going to rock the boat until something changes. But in the meantime, I'm going to get a really good life preserver just in case - that being information. I need to be armed with as much information about what the laws are regarding abuse, custody, etc.
As ridiculous as this sounds, I have been pretending to myself that things are not as bad as they are. Today I talked to a good friend who I have known for almost 15 years. She really helped me put things into perspective and made me see that even some things I have made light of are serious. I am almost positive my husband has been having affairs for years. I have nothing concrete so I never could use that as a reason to divorce him. I can, however, use the physical abuse as a reason. (See, in my mind I have to have a concrete, tangible, blatant, blazing reason before I can do this).
Anyway, tonight he will still be out of town, so I am making my list (of things I need to get in order) and checking it twice and when Monday gets here, I will be calling and making appointments.
I may post back if I feel my resolve slipping, and I will definitely post back with the information I get, in case it might help someone in a similar situation.
You are all very, very kind people. Thank you for not judging me.
You are married to an abusive husband, but want to put off leaving until your "children are a little older".
You are a "fairly independent person" who remains married to a man with a "strong desire to control everything".
Lastly, despite your "religious and moral beliefs, I find myself wanting to have an affair."
Lana, all of these are symptoms of self-destuctive behavior. Get yourself some help, and get yourself and your children somewhere safe. You have done nothing to deserve the punishment you are inflicting on yourself, and, by extension, your children.
Please let us know how this all turns out for you.
You seem like such a nice person. I feel so bad that your husband doesn't treat you well. I watched my mother be physically abused at the hands of my biological father who later killed himself when I was seven years old. The abuse started slowly and with a little shove here, a pinch there, but only escalated. You should leave while you still can. At one point when I was four years old, I watched my father try to strangle my mother.
I speak from experience when I say that affairs can only complicate the situation. You deserve someone who loves you and treats you well. Keep doing your homework and work toward getting out of that relationship. Your kids will be better off with a happy mom who feels good about herself. They need to see a strong woman with self-respect, not a woman who is at the receiving end of her husband's poor treatment.
Surround yourself with friends, family and people who love you. You can get through it. You've already started on your way! Best of luck to you.
quote:Is it ever acceptable to have an affair to help you get through something like this.
Yes. We're all human. Go for it.
Um. NO.
As just about everybody else has said, the advice in these cases is: Get divorced. Then schtup however many people you want. However an affair will not help the situation and will likely cause you only more trouble and grief. Get out of your relationship first. It's the decent thing to do.
__________________
I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to my fellow creatures, let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
Last edited by moimeme; 18th November 2003 at 9:08 PM..
Divorce is a much healthier option but as to the morality of having an affair in a situation like this I am suprised anyone would feel in a position to judge. It takes courage to leave an abuser and the abuse saps that courage. When your physical safety is threatened and you feel unable to fight back you are entitled to trangress another's rights to defend yourself. This is the principle underlying the concept of a right to self defense. Of course it would be better to get out of this relationship on your own but if you can't the bottom line is that you do get out inflicting as little damage as possible. If there is damage (fall out from an affair, children missing dad etc) this is not your fault. You did your best, you did not cause this situation. Best of luck
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Is it ever acceptable to cheat?
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