Certain events have been taking place between me and my SO, events which are making me feel needy, belittled and compromised. Just to re-cap, both me and my SO are medical students. I'm in the UK, he is on a Carribean Island. We have hectic schedueles, his being more gruesome than mine. Nevertheless...
I want to ask - is it acceptable for your SO to:
1. Not text back.
This happened to me 2 weeks ago. He went to a nearby Island where he had clinical rotations and was doing night shifts. But he never texted me to say this before he left. And his phone was not workng on that ISland. I went through hell, I called 20+ times and texted and emailed. I cried as I found it very stressful and worrying. And according to him due to his scheduele, he couldn't take time out to email or contact me. For 8 freaking days! I explained how this was unacceptable, and he appologised later and said that he was angry as I had blasted him in a text just before he left. ( I did this because he didnt contact me for 3days before he left and after 6 texts of mine).
2. To go out during the middle of a conversation you are having on messenger because his/hers internet broke down, without texting you and saying "Listen, sorry internet is down and am going for dinner. Have a good night, and I'll text you tomorrow. Let's talk then."
He did this tonight. He went offline in the middle of a conversation, I then decided to call him a little later. He was out. I just felt stupid. The phone cut (skype problems) and I didn't call back. Not wanting to ruin his only evening out in months, I just texted him saying have a good time. He didnt text back.
I think that these little occurences; not texting me back, not keeping in touch the way I need him to, have built up in me and left me feeling angry with myself. There have been several instances where I've had to explain to him how this has made me feel. We text on average 2wice a day - 1) Come online let's have a chat and 2) Good nite. We're currently chatting most evenings, but we cut down when we have exams.
But for me, a text is a conversation. It's your SO, the person who you only have contact with through these means, engaging with you, wanting to say or convey something. By not replying, or even delaying a reply when you're free to text back is for me unacceptable and careless.
There is a lot on stake. He is coming to the Uk for a year to do rotations here so we can spend that time together. So he is commited, I believe him. I know he loves me much.
Am I wrong? I am worried about these communication issues will make me resentful in the end. Because for every time something like this occurs, I feel a dislike and am dissapointed for liking him. Like a feeling of - I deserve better than this and better than him. And after having cried to my best friend about it, I feel embarrased when I tell her his excuse. Because I can tell that she doesn't approve. And that I have gone blind.
And yes, believe me. I have told him what I expect in terms of communication and he know it is reasonable. All I need is to be updated.
He has left me feeling sad tonight. But I am almost embarrased to discuss this with him. It seems as if I am the one having an issue with communication all the time. But I;m not. He is.
When my internet goes down I always text my S.O. to let her know. I know she can't text me back due to problems with her phone company. But I couldn't leave her just wondering. And omg, 8 days? Without talking or telling you what's going on? That would kill me. I'd say you should have a talk with him. My opinion.
i think his actions are terribly selfish and self centered... not to mention childish.
does he purposefully hurt you in other ways, even if small?
i can't imagine a life with a man so self absorbed... come on - busy is one thing... but NO time in 8 days? that's just blatantly mean.
what keeps you from breaking up with him? he would certainly get the message loud and clear that his actions are not to be tolerated, yes? and you would then have the peace of mind that someone else isn't jerking you around for some sense of expecting common decency.
__________________ People place the most trust in the person who is most likely to deceive them, and unfortunately people are the most likely to deceive the person who loves and trusts them the most.
Last edited by Mishileena; 7th November 2009 at 2:41 AM..
Reason: dumb :)
I don't know what this backing off thing entails. I've backed off. he called me today. Again I see this as a positive thing. I wish I wouldn't need to go down this line.
But now that I am;
What are the rules?
1. Do I contact him back when he contacts me? E.g. he asks me to come online to chat to him, I'm free - Do I go? I feel I should, right?
2. He calls me. I speak to him.
3. He texts me and I reply. I fI have time, now. If not later.
The "backing off" means that I don't initiate communication, but I do respond? Sorry to be so technical.
I would suggest that you be totally aloof about this. If he texts and it`s something worthy of a reply, text back, otherwise dont. If he asks you to get online, and you`re doing something don`t respond. If he calls and you feel like you can answer the phone and not get wishy washy, answer it. But don`t mention anything about the relationship. See if he mentions it or wants to talk to you about it. Other than that, anything goes.
__________________ Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth- Baz Luhrmann
He called me today. He asked what was wrong, whether I had a lot of work, how things were going.
I said I was fine, things are good and no, I don't have exams at the moment. He then said that he didn't understand why I was so stressed. I asked "How do you mean stressed?" He said that we were not talking as usual, I seemed really busy. I explained that this was an assumption he had made because I had not contacted him. And if I don't contact him, this is the level of communication we have. He got the point!
He appologized, said he appreciated how I had been the better communicator and said he would change. He was sorry he hadn't put in enough effort and that I felt like this. He said I was more important to him than anything else.
The good thing about all of this - I learnt that I'm fine "without" him. I.e. I can go about my daily life without having to obsess about him as before. And I will choose to keep this up. It works fine for me. I feel I'm more in control of my feelings. I do like him alot. I think we'll work on things, slowly.
Thanks for all your help guys. =) I've learnt a little more about myself.
i'm glad things seem to be taking a turn for the better.
what i don't understand is this concept... you said he has talked of marrying you. you've never met in real life. you don't know how to spell his real name. you don't really have a firm idea where he grew up.
how can you feel so attached to a man you honestly know nothing about? how can you not want enough solid evidence to at least run a check on him to rule out any shadiness he might be hiding?
please be smart about this... you are asking for so little and giving way too much trust to someone you never met. this could be potentially dangerous in the end.
i'm glad things seem to be taking a turn for the better.
what i don't understand is this concept... you said he has talked of marrying you. you've never met in real life. you don't know how to spell his real name. you don't really have a firm idea where he grew up.
how can you feel so attached to a man you honestly know nothing about? how can you not want enough solid evidence to at least run a check on him to rule out any shadiness he might be hiding?
please be smart about this... you are asking for so little and giving way too much trust to someone you never met. this could be potentially dangerous in the end.
have you ever sent him money?
Hi 2sunny,
Thanks for your reply.
Yes, he is talking of wanting to marry me. Am I jumping up and down clapping my hands excitedly? No, not really. It's unrealistic to do so. Both of us know that when we meet and spend time together all of this could change and we may end up being just friends. I have told him this. And he agrees.
Yes, he is saying his feelings are very strong. I can't hold him to account for that or say that he is "ridiculous" for it. I am sure others on this fourm have felt that they met the "one" for them, even if they hadn't met them in person. Of course that could all change.
I understand your worry. No, we haven't met in reali life yet. We have talked/chatted/web cam/texted for over a year. No, I don't know the exact spelling of his name. I could ask, it's not a problem. I think what mainly happened is that I wrote out his name in the non-english version when we were chatting, the way it sounds in our language, and he hasn't really corrected me. I didn't ask. It's like writing Sara and Sarah. In my language those two have different pronounciations. I would write the latter for my cousin for example although her passport says Sara. I'll ask him and see how he responds.
I knew where he grew up. I don't know the postal code of the house nor the street name. I have never had a reason to ask. I'm not from the States. I can ask him this too. It's good to know.
The backgorund check...it had me thinking. When I spoke to him I somehow casually mentioned that I was going through some paper work and had found my CRB check for med school (ie the background check they run). I asked him if they had to do one too, and he said they did and he had to go to a court to get that done. He has the copy of the report I believe. I jokedly told him, bring it with you. He said ok. But I suppose if I can get the above info I can run one myself.
I understand that there is always a potential danger of meeting someone online. I wonder how many of LS LDR couples ran a background check on their potential SO before meeting them?
2sunny, I do agree with you. Yes there are some bad apples out there. But this guy is 27, has worked and studied all his life, he did his pre-med degree and is now studying medicine under a scholarship since he couldn't afford it himself. After his dad passed away he helped his mother out. He has had to raise his younger siblings and they're all in college or healthcare. He doesn't drink or smoke, skips going out with mates to study and seems genuinly down to earth and "normal". I don't know if he had time racking up a list of offences. I doubt that he would be doing so well if he had.
He has never asked for anything, and I haven't sent him money or gifts or anything.
If and when I meet him, I don't intend to do this on my own. I will see him in public places and get to know him again. I'll take it from there hopefully.
Thanks for your concern and advise. I think you have such a good heart. I do think about what you say. I've appreciated your help very much.
p.s. excuse the spelling mistake. It's early morning here. =)
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People place the most trust in the person who is most likely to deceive them, and unfortunately people are the most likely to deceive the person who loves and trusts them the most.
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