NC is having the opposite effect on me than it seems to have on others.
I know the 47 yr old STBXW is probably sleeping every day with her little 18 yr old BF, she never contacts me, she probably doesn't even remember me, ... but the more days that go by (11 days now) the less angry I get and the more I miss her and think about a reconciliation and how I love her! {{{UGH}}}
It's been 68 days sine the ILYBINILWY speech - I think you all know my pathetic story. (I had to look at the calendar to count the days - I have made a conscious effort not to count every day!)
Believe me - I am trying to be strong and I am DOING the "strong" things - but I have ZERO control over those thoughts in my head.
Any suggestions?????
__________________ Just remember this, my girl, when you look up in the sky - you can see the stars & still not see the light...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now it's your turn girl to cry...
No one said No Contact was easy. Most I expect, fail a few times before getting into the healing groove. That's what you must remember.
My advice? Know that what you are doing is THE ONLY WAY to truly save your marriage. Face it (and face it you must) SHE must come back TO YOU and be willing to commit 100% towards the relationship. Anything you do now to alter this process will either delay or destroy any chance of you making it. Clear? Know you are dong the right thing. The loving thing...
...for both her and yourself.
NC is like any exercise; results come in time. No pain no gain applies.
In the meantime, know the longer you stay away the closer you are to her in heart and mind. I promise that is the case. Your marriage may or may not survive but if she's seeing someone else, she does not want to see you. Let nature take its course and don't interfere. Her affair won't last.
Eat well, look after that body and learn to rest/sleep peacefully. You have to. Love yourself. This is a hard time so go easy on you. You will make it.
three very different posts - but all important for me to read.
The more NC I have the more I think I would at least consider a reconciliation.
I'm so F'd up!!!!!!!!
Feelinglonely98, I cheated on my former wife 20 years ago and I'm not proud of it but I hope I can help others understand more because of it.
When you are in an affair it is like a drug, you don't care who it hurts, you don't care what the outcome is, the only thing you are doing is living in the moment for YOU.
There are no words that you could say & I really don't know if there is anything you could do to change what she is doing now. As long as she is getting what she feels she needs from the OM she is happy & that's all she is thinking about, herself.
I watched the movie Fireproof but I really wonder how powerful the 40 days would work when you are dealing with someone that can leave like your W did.
I also don't see how Fireproof could work when you aren't living together, but that is just my take on it, but I still liked the movie, I hope it will help me in my next relationship but that's another story.
Only thing I would like to suggest & I've done it many times now here is get in a group, there are lots of grieving and marriage/divorce classes & there might be one in your area.
What this does is helps you connect with others that are going thru the same thing, gives you a place to share & hear other peoples stories. I know that is what helped me move forward.
I did not want the divorce, but we can't control what others feel or do. We can only control what is in our skin & after that the only thing you are doing is "stick'n think'n" that just drains energy away from what you should be using for you.
Yes it is very hard, been there done it, but it is possible. If I did it then anyone can because I'm trying to overcome being a controlling person so it was very hard not knowing what she was up to.....
__________________ God's aim looks like He's missing the mark because we're too nearsighted to see what He is aiming at.
Your grieving, the end will be happy for you. You will stop caring and you will move on. It's inevitable.
^^^^^^
This
Everyday you NC, everyday you will detact from her. Her grip over you will end.
One day you will wake, go about your day, and them BAMM it will hit you; wow, I don't give a sh#t what she does anymore. OOOH that's such a great feeling.
Everyday you NC, everyday you will detact from her. Her grip over you will end.
One day you will wake, go about your day, and them BAMM it will hit you; wow, I don't give a sh#t what she does anymore. OOOH that's such a great feeling.
If I can't have the old GOOD TIMES that I so miss, then I can't wait for this feeling. This in between feeling is what kills me.
If I can't have the old GOOD TIMES that I so miss, then I can't wait for this feeling. This in between feeling is what kills me.
Me too FL98. I'm also trying to do the "strong" things but inside I feel like I'm dying. No matter what I do, H is ALWAYS on my mind and I just can't switch those thoughts off. The sadness just overwhelms me and drags me right back down.
Last night I watched a DVD of one of my favourite comedy drama's from the 1980s. It really took my mind off things and I laughed whilst watching it (it felt good to laugh). But when it had finished, the sorrow 'took over' and I ended up crying. What I'm trying to say is I don't know how to grasp that feelgood factor and make it last throughout the day. I want to feel happy again but these awful sad feelings just won't go away.
three very different posts - but all important for me to read.
The more NC I have the more I think I would at least consider a reconciliation.
I'm so F'd up!!!!!!!!
No, you're just getting nostalgic. We all do it. But that old saying about not being able to go home again is so true. Even if you reconciled, your relationship would not, could not be exactly like it was before. As Lady MacBeth says: "whats done cannot be undone."
If you find yourself getting out the rose-colored glasses, it might be worthwhile to list out the bad stuff - something to remind you that she takes a lot of bad stuff with her and you can be grateful for that.
The reality of it all has sunk in, you're past denial...
into bargaining, anger and depression ..
You're an emotional ping pong ball and someone else controls the damn flippers
Put on your seat belt, this is the roughest part of the ride. It gets better, then it comes and goes in waves. Each wave gets a little smaller. One day you'll be feeling good and you'll step on some emotional land mine.
This is all natural and part of being human. Sorry you have to go through it. I remember it all too well.
Hang in there, exercise is the best therapy as well as talking to people you can trust.
__________________
Whatever you project, the world will reflect... right back at you.
Last edited by sumdude; 5th November 2009 at 3:44 PM..
I know it must be devastating for you. Unfortunately, your wife has some issues that you can't fix. Reconciling won't help what ever is going on with her. I know you love her and want to save both your marriage and her from herself, but YOU can't do it. Concentrate on you right now. Do not allow yourself to wallow any more than is absolutely necessary. Give yourself permission to take a break from the grieving, hang it on a wall for a few hours and do something for yourself. You can pick it back up later. The more you allow yourself to do that, and become comfortable with it, the easier it will become.
__________________ "Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace." Amelia Earheart
Your mind is going crazy tying to compute a solution for something that simply can't be solved. It's the bargaining stage of grieving... you might find yourself making incredibly ridiculous deal in your head to get back to what was... but it's just not there anymore.
This is part of what often happens when you fully go NC. So no, you're not going through anything different than a lot of others have, myself included.
Find ways to get your mind off of it, do whatever you can for yourself. It's all about you, be a little selfish dammit! Imagine you are your own best friend going though this. What would you do for him?
Me too FL98. I'm also trying to do the "strong" things but inside I feel like I'm dying. No matter what I do, H is ALWAYS on my mind and I just can't switch those thoughts off. The sadness just overwhelms me and drags me right back down.
Last night I watched a DVD of one of my favourite comedy drama's from the 1980s. It really took my mind off things and I laughed whilst watching it (it felt good to laugh). But when it had finished, the sorrow 'took over' and I ended up crying. What I'm trying to say is I don't know how to grasp that feelgood factor and make it last throughout the day. I want to feel happy again but these awful sad feelings just won't go away.
You will, the sad awful feelings do go away and you will feel like you again, I promise. When I first came here, I was a wreck and although I still have my bad days/patches, now (8 months post him leaving), for the most part I couldn't give a s**t about him or what he's doing anymore. He isn't worth it, anyone that just walks without warning, without trying to resolve anything first, just isn't worth your pain and you to will come to see this, it's a cliche, but it just takes the passage of time.
The reality of it all has sunk in, you're past denial...
into bargaining, anger and depression ..
You're an emotional ping pong ball and someone else controls the damn flippers
Put on your seat belt, this is the roughest part of the ride. It gets better, then it comes and goes in waves. Each wave gets a little smaller. One day you'll be feeling good and you'll step on some emotional land mine.
This is all natural and part of being human. Sorry you have to go through it. I remember it all too well.
Hang in there, exercise is the best therapy as well as talking to people you can trust.
Thanks Sumdude - just got back from Rockville, MD. Sorry I didn't have time to meet you.
I hate the WIDE fluctuations - the rollorcoaster that so many warned me about. One morning I'm telling my Sister that I have accepted it all - that yes I love my STBXW - but I realize it's over, that I have no control over it,...ETC. That afternoon I'm telling Mom all about what could have been, asking where I went wrong, ... and sh*t like that. $&$&^#^#!$&$&^#^#!
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