I am terrified. I know I am not happy I have gone over this with my therapist and counsellor. I know what I need to do. I just can't seem find the courage to tell him separation is needed.
How do I have the conversation? How do I start it. How do not hurt him while knowing I am? I just need to tell him and I can't.
I'm going to start by saying to please keep in mind that this forum have been on the receiving end of the conversation so some of the responses are going to reflect that. You say you want to ask for seperation. Is that seperation destined for divorce? Or a seperation with the possibility of reconciliation, it will change the advice considerably.
I think the most important thing to keep in mind is to try and let go with love. To many stories here involve the Left behind spouse walking away feeling like a bomb victim. You have had time to process this and make your decision at your own pace, he will not have that luxury. Take some time and calmly explain what it is your feeling and be willing to listen to him. Mine ended after one sentence, "I don't think I want to be married anymore" A week later she was gone and i will hear that for the rest of my life.
I think the best advice I can give you is this. Rather then looking for advice on how to do this, read some threads of those who were on the receiving end and see what they went through. Having some respect for that will help you do it fairly and while minimizing the damage. In other words, learn what not to do.
While I hate to see a marriage end, I do understand that some things are beyond saving, I hope you are sure that is the case for you. There is no way this is not going to hurt him, but you can make it easier for him to accept by being caring and honest.
TOJAZ
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Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -Dr.Sydney Friedman
"Will you, _______, have _____ to be your wife/husband? Will you love her/him, comfort and keep her/him, and forsaking all other remain true to him/her as long as you both shall live?" ("I will")
(Repeat) "I, ________, take thee ______, to be my wife/husband, and before God and these witnesses I promise to be a faithful and true wife/husband."
(Rings) "With this ring I thee wed, and all my worldly goods I thee endow. In sickness and in health, in poverty or in wealth, 'til death do us part."
I'd start by reviewing this with him. Then see where it goes from there.
It is, simply put, the hardest thing to do. Hurting someone you have cared for and built a life with is agonizing. Trust me. I know.
The best thing you can do is talk face to face and be honest. This is YOUR life you're talking about. I tried for a long time to make my marriage work. To conjure up feelings of love for him. But if it's not there, it's not there.
Just blurt it out and start from there. That's what I did. Once the words are out you can't go back. Be sensitive and kind. And a drink or two doesn't hurt either.
Why are you jumping the gun? Why a seperation before you have tried to resolve things first? Doesn't the man you married deserve that?
I wish my wife would have thought/felt that way.
Why don't you sit him down and tell him what you're feeling and that you are close to wanting a separation from him. My wife didn't drop any hints, just decided to call/text me while I was heading to work one morning yelling at me and telling me through text that she was leaving.
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Hi. I'm not sure how much help I'm going to be here but I thought I would chime in.
I had the separation conversation recently. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I barely ate for 3 days before, my stomach was a mess I was so nervous and upset.
I'm not sure about your personal situation (kids, etc.), but this is how it went down for me.
We have 2 teenagers and I didn't want them to hear what was going on or walk in during our talk so I waited until some evening when my husband didn't have to work in the morning and had the conversation after the kids went to bed.
We were both not happy. But I knew he was going to be blindsided because he wouldn't see it coming.
I basically started by telling him that I wasn't happy, I couldn't imagine that he was happy. We are not treating each other with respect, it's not good for us or the kids to be treating each other this way. It's no way to live and it's no example to our children. We had tried to work things out in the past and we are right back where we have been many times, and at this point I think we should separate.
It was harder than I imagined.
I won't go through my whole story because it's long. But just so you know we are still together. He agreed to get help and I agreed to see it through. I don't want to get a divorce, I just knew I could not live like that anymore and I didn't think he would change. If things go back to the way they were and/or he doesn't make lasting change then I will leave the next time right away. I have decided I won't live like that so either things will be different or we will not be together. Simple.
I know it takes 2 but I honestly feel he is 90% of our problem. BUT I knew I wasn't going to be able to come at him and start accusing him of things because I knew it would just make it worse. So that's why I decided to stay neutral with the 'we are not happy, we are not treating each other with respect'. I knew it would be bad if I said what I wanted to say. And eventually he got it.
You can look up my story by looking at the threads I have started (there is only one) and see how badly it went for me that evening.
Good luck to you. I would say be prepared but I really don't think there is any way to be completely prepared. I think the reason why some people take the coward way out and send a text or pack and leave a note is because they can't bear the thought of having to see the pain in the other person's eyes.
You could do what my wife did and phone him at work and tell him. Then, if he agrees to go stay elsewhere, don't be home when he picks his stuff up from the house. Wait for him to text you that he's gone, then go home. This way you don't need to face him. Then refuse to talk about anything except for who gets what and the child support you want (if you have children).
Sorry, being emotional about my situation. The best thing is to sit down and talk to him. He deserves that.
Last edited by Logik; 5th November 2009 at 11:30 AM..
Working it out as been an on going issue for a long time.its not fair to bash anyone who decides its time to leave after both parties have been aware of it, and both parties have either tried or not tried to stick it out. If marriage didn't come with vowes, it would be an easy break up right? But with vowes suddenly it changes.
I have no intention of bad mouthing my husband. I just don't want to continue on this path because its not working anymore.
I have absolutely no recollection of exactly how my husband dropped his bombshell!
He was in the room with me, I remember that much, whether or not he looked me in the face I don't recall.
I remember pain - nothing but agonising, tortuous pain!!! Pain like I had never experienced before! And it went on for hours, days, weeks and months. The sharp edge of that pain is only just starting to subside - 4 months on.
If you need to do it, just do it. Do it to his face of course but say whatever you like to him, it will make no difference - he will hurt, period!
I didn't get the conversation. One day she just moved out then phoned me at work to let me know. It was like being hit by a freight train. Either way he'll be blindsided but at least give him the consideration of the conversation. Just have a plan in place so you two don't have to coexist for very long. Get your move out plan in order.
and yes
YOU should move out because you are the one leaving the marriage.
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