17 days have passed since she first broke it off. Only 3 have passed since I sent her the last email and was also the last time there was any sort of communication. I understand what she is doing is best. She finally looked at the relationship and looked at whether she truly loves me, and the answer was no. She perhaps truly thought she did, but in the end realized she didn’t love me. So I don’t blame her at all for ending it. It really does make sense. I just wish this had happened a long time ago. Not after four years and two months together. I might have been questioning her true devotion all along and that might have played a role in me never asking for her hand in marriage. If that was the case, then I was right in questioning that. True love can withstand this and maybe she discovered that as well and that’s why she ended it.
I am still feverishly checking my phone and secretly looking out the window at every passing car, hoping that she has changed her mind and learned of her mistake. I know it’s a said and done issue, but my heart longs for her. It doesn’t matter if it was real for her or not, it was real to me. I miss her so very deeply. I had to delete her number from my phone so I would quit pissing her off with text messages. I had to put away all the pictures of her. I, a man among men, cried a couple of times. I know that if she did come back and had changed her mind or started listening to her heart – the way I thought her heart was set – that things might not work out. It would be hard to regain trust, it would be hard to move forward, I would probably always have some lingering doubt. So in the end I know it is best that it is over, although there is not a bone in my body that doesn’t miss her and doesn’t want her back.
I have lost to death, relatives that I loved. In death there is something unquestionable about it. It’s a said and done deal for sure. You miss those people without a doubt. It feels like she has died to me. My heart aches for her, my skin weeps for her touch, my soul is crushed by her absence. Yet unlike in death, she is still out there, she is still around. All my pain could cease if she came back to me, but it won’t. I loved that which did not love me.
It feels like I am cheating on her when I sit and try to push her out of my mind. All I can do is try to keep myself busy, keep my mind occupied. This works for short moments of reprieve. Then I realize I am once again being dishonest to myself. I have no want to do anything, I have no want to go on. The one and only thing I want is beyond me to do anything about. I never imagined being heartbroken and I never listened to those that were. I can now relate.
Friends have taken me out to distract me, their intentions are good. I have even attempted to bring myself to talking with other ladies. They aren’t what I want, they do not even hold a candle to what I had. In my moments of trying to move on, I am painfully reminded over and over of what I have lost. With every ounce of me I know I need to move on, I know she is not coming back – with every strand of fiber in my soul I want to be united with the one I did love.
I have spent my nights on my knees in prayer. I have spent my night relentlessly trying to sleep, only to find sleep and then have a dream of her. In my dreams I hit the same wall, the wall that I never saw being built. I wake covered in sweat and then come to the realization that, it is more then a bad dream, more then my worst nightmare, it is reality. God I miss her.
I am tired of this self imposed asylum. I feel like everything I do is in vain. All of me wants to be chasing after the lady of my dreams. At the same time, realizing that the same lady of my dreams doesn’t want anything to do with me, kills me. It pains me to no end, that she is out there somewhere trying and doing her best to move on and forget me. I thought we were solid, I thought we saw eye to eye, I thought we could find rest and safety within each other. My thoughts betrayed me, the person I truthfully and lovingly called my other half has taken flight. A man among men is laying broken and helpless.
Location: My own head but trying to find a new place to dwell
Posts: 777
Quote:
Originally Posted by lostmirthfulness
She perhaps truly thought she did, but in the end realized she didn’t love me. So I don’t blame her at all for ending it. It really does make sense. I just wish this had happened a long time ago. Not after four years and two months together.
Your being way to kind, it does not take 4 and a half years to decide if your in love. Unless over that time she communicated issues that you choose to ignore then there is reason to question her actions. That amount of investment in a relationship deserves a great deal of effort from all parties to work though the rough spots,
Good luck
__________________
"There can be no Peace, Joy or Contentment in your heart, if the things you say are different to the things you do"-Xena the Buddhist Monk Warrior Princess
Your being way to kind, it does not take 4 and a half years to decide if your in love. Unless over that time she communicated issues that you choose to ignore then there is reason to question her actions. That amount of investment in a relationship deserves a great deal of effort from all parties to work though the rough spots,
Good luck
Agreed!
I think her issue was that she wanted more, in other aspects we stood completely side by side. She knew my focus through school was to get done with it and then find a job. Soon as I finished school the economy tanked a big one. We always talked, that if I managed to get a job in another location that we would get married and she would come with me.
She knew I was focused on finding a job to support the two of us, and I will be the first to admit that I neglected her to some degree, while I was searching hard for work.
The way I see if, the fact that she couldn't sit by and wait any longer tells me it wasn't meant to be. A married couple would encounter many more and larger problems then this. If true love was there, then this would have been less of an issue and communication lines wouldn't have been so bad at the end.
She perhaps questioned my true feelings in all of this. I admit that I had failed to answer those questions at times. When it came down to it and she had made her decision, I had just managed to slip out of the foggy haze I had existed in - so I presented her with all my feelings all my wishes and all my heart. She had looked at the relationship and for the first time really thought about it. She didn't feel bad about ending it, so when I was sitting there pouring my heart out, it fell on already made up ears.
I think this is the part which is making quitting her so hard. I still have hope, I still think a part of her loved me and I made some mistakes. That she will realize that she does miss me and breaking it off was hard, and the fact that all of my feelings were expressed at the end - perhaps given time she will reconsider. Or perhaps, she still believes her stance to be right, in which case it would be.
In all of this, I will be fine. I will survive, no matter how much it stinks, others have been here, others have lived through it all. I appreciate those on this board that come just to help us.
The entire weekend was the hardest. No only was it time we normally spent together, it was time that I had nothing else to do. I think it is the hope that is killing, not the hope that she comes back, but rather the hope that she realizes that she did really love me. Which would lead to her coming back. She is not back though, so that tells me that her decision in her mind is the right one. It’s a hard thing to swallow, especially after all that lady had said to me.
The dreams were back last night. We were talking about the issues and she was actually talking to me. We got to a point where she had nothing to stand on, where there was only one plausible outcome. That’s when I woke up.
I fought last night with contacting her. I spent four years of hearing from her pretty much every single day. Knowing how she was doing how her day was going and confiding my troubles in her as well. With the fifth day of no contact what-so-ever the hardest part has been adjusting to being alone. I’ve sat here with the swine flu for the last six or seven days, confined to my home.
I feel like I should be chasing after her, fighting for ‘us’, we talked jokingly about if we ever broke up, we would fight. So I have no doubt in my mind she knows I want to fight. When I did try to fight, I hit complete and utter stoppage. I was pushing her away with trying to fight, so I quit. Now all I have is this pitiful sense of hope that she will come around. The hope is what is disabling. I sit here and try to reason, well if I leave her alone she will learn of her mistake. I also sit here and reason, that if I leave her alone she will continue to have that massive wall and will continue to build up defenses behind her, forever cementing the door shut. I guess if that’s the case, then that is best.
I can sit here and think rationally of this whole entire thing. I can understand that whatever happens is for the best, it just pains me to do so. I still keep having moments of shock when I re-realize that this just is not just some time to myself that I am taking away from her, I am truly away from the one I loved.
Hope is what is killing me slowly. Every single time I leave the house even if for just a couple of minutes, as I come home there is a part of me that is expecting to see her car parked in front of my house. As I turn the corner and see that it isn't and she is still set in her head, a little bit of me dies every time.
I think this whole loving somebody that hasn't loved me thing, will leave me jaded. The picture of my life without her is starting to sink in. We even had our kids names picked out.
What has hurt the worst is realizing how much I spent building a life with her. How much of my life revolved around and depended on her. I still had my own stuff don't get me wrong I had my own things I enjoyed without her. I enjoyed those things because I was perfectly grounded in her.
Part of me wants to let her know how much I hurt part of me wants to cry out to her and scream, but alas I know that would not ease any of my pain.
I gave her all of my heart and got a cold shoulder in return.
Wow, your posts are about to make me cry. I've been spending all my effort trying to convince myself that all I lost was a worthless girl who didn't care about me, but it's all denial, what I really lost is the one I loved and wanted to be with.
I've been experiencing many of the same things you are for the last few months. I used to expect to see her car parked by my house every day when I got home from work, thinking she finally came to talk to me.
I did fight for her, for almost 5 months. At first there were phone calls and texts but eventually we settled into emailing each other as a kind of non-invasive way to stay in touch. She'd take her sweet time writing back to me, just to reject me again, and I'd immediately start working on my response and tried to get her to come back. And after seeing many people on this forum say things like "if an ex wanted you back, they'd be pounding down your door", I decided the emails weren't enough, and brought flowers to her house.
None of it worked. Eventually I just settled for asking her to please talk to me and help me get some closure, but she denied me that as well.
You are probably doing the right thing by not fighting for her. They all say they would want that if you ever broke up, but in reality, they probably don't want to be bothered once they've decided that they're done with you.
I know how you feel. It's been six months and some days I feel pretty convinced that I'm healing, but then I have days like today where it still hurts just as bad. I know I can never contact her again, but just before I was standing in the kitchen and I wished I could tell her that I still hurt just as much as I did the very first day after our breakup.
Your relationship was much longer than mine and I agree with the comments above that it would have been worth trying to save it, but some people just don't care.
Yep that is the thing bro. They left us, no matter how much we didn't like that aspect. At first I tried my damnedest to fight it, but it got me no where. All I can do is sit back and hope for a change, but I know deep down that waiting will prove fruitless.
I had spent my time building a life with her, everything focused on her, now that she is gone, I am lost. I will get over this and get past this, its just a matter of time though.
That doesn't mean I don't want her back - I just know that talking to her won't change a DAMN thing.
The pain is real, the pain is serious. I honestly don’t feel that she has the ability to comprehend the amount of damage that has been done, the amount of pain that she has inflicted. It is not just some bad or hurtful feelings. It is an utter and complete feeling of loss accompanied by a gruesome and loathsome backstabbing and betrayal. I know she would never have inflicted all this on me without purpose. The thing is, she continues on her way, blissfully ignorant of the destruction she left behind. Even though it hurts worse to imagine it, I hope for her sake that the weight behind these words and emotions behind these pathetic displays never sinks in.
Although it hurts in the worse type of way, I hope she can be happy. I hope she lives a very full and loving life. I hope she never gives up on finding God in her life. I hope she does know, she meant the world to her and I would have given her the world if I were able. I am glad I had the chance to know her. I have learned a lot and come a long way. I still have a long way to go, but I have experienced love.
I will still pray, I will still spend time on my knees begging that Gods will be done, but that somehow he finds pity on my poor and pathetic life and brings back to me that which lit it up, that which brought hope and comfort to me. The healing process will take months if not years, if not ever, but it is something that I must embark on alone. In times past, all hardships were easier because her grace was with me, but not this road, not this time. I will forever regretfully remember her beautiful smile and her loving heart.
Today I have cried my last tears. It is time to forever say good bye to the love of my life. Thank you ADH, my love.
Saturday Oct 24th 2009
It has been an entire month and a day now since she got rid of me. I talked to her last week and tried to keep the conversation emotionless, but that’s a joke. I am not able to do that – I cared for her to much. I learned from talking with her, that she is hurting as well. It bothers me that she is hurting and I can’t do a damn thing to help her through it, it bothers me even more that the reason she is hurting is because of me. It’s weird to go from a relationship where you depend on somebody and that somebody depends on you for everything – to not even talking to the person. I guess she is stronger then me in that sense. I have been utterly destroyed.
I may never know all the reasons she has. When talking with her last week she threw out accusations of my short comings. I admitted to them all, I had made plenty of mistakes, so she has her reasons. From my stand point those reasons mean she should have set me down and told me we needed to have a serious conversation. She needed to tell me that I was slipping, that I was getting too caught up in what I was trying to do and loosing site of “us”. She would take the stance that she shouldn’t have had to do that, she shouldn’t have to sit me down and talk to me. Well that’s where I disagree. Relationships take work, they take effort, and nothing comes easy.
Instead of sitting me down and talking to me, she thought on her own. She formulated in her head that all the stuff I was doing or wasn’t doing was because I didn’t care about and love her. Then she came to the conclusion, that it was best to end the relationship because I did not share in her feelings towards me. I feel that was a mistake. I feel she thought it was best because in her head I wasn’t there with her. In reality all I needed was a wake up call and some re-adjustment. I think she also failed to realize why I had become so focused on what I was doing was because I was not happy in the state we were in. I wanted to move forward with her, but I didn’t think that I could be fair to her and move the relationship forward without having a decent job that would support the two of us. I also thought that with love she understood that we were headed somewhere that I was working to get us somewhere and that she would wait for me to come around.
I spent less time with her in the last couple months because I felt if I was not looking for work, I was trapping both of us in the same situation we were in. There were times when I left her place early so that I could look for work and I did, even if it was just twenty minutes on the computer filling out applications. In my mind, I got trapped and focused on being able to be a good husband, being able to give my lady all that I thought she deserved. I guess I am a romantic in that sense. I was looking forward to a future life with her and I couldn’t get certain things to fall into place, that I thought I needed. This lead to her leaving me.
Even though it has been a month, she is still in my head and on my heart every single day. I wake up thinking about her and I go to bed thinking about her. The middle of the day is the worst. I am keeping busy and searching for work and looking at furthering my education, but it all seems pointless, it seems helpless. The funk that I was in is now gone, I got my wake up call. I am doing everything she wanted me to do now, but I don’t have her.
She might have been focused on my recent short comings. It’s hard to think that she doesn’t realize that is was just a stage that I was in.
I am still the same caring, loving, respecting man that she loved a year ago. I am still the man that went with her to her Pap smear and physical and held her hand throughout the process. I am still the man that babied her when her wisdom teeth got pulled. I am still the man that held her hand when her blood was drawn and she almost fainted. I am still the man that wants to give her the world. I am still the man that cares about her spiritual welfare. I am still the man that went through hell a couple times with his own family to be able to be with her. I am still the man that looks at other women and just sees people and not somebody that I think I would like to get to know. I am still the man that gets disappointed with his current financial situation because he wants to do more for her. I am still the man that stood behind her in her school and her work, pushing her along and supporting her. I am still the man that heard her complaints and listened. I am still the man that disagreed with certain things but found it best to understand she is a different person and has her own thoughts towards things. I am still the man that cared about more then just her, the man that also cared for her family. I am still the man that told her that she was absolutely beautiful when she had her skin condition; no matter where her weight was and no matter how her hair looked. I am still the man that woke up each day and spent the day thinking about her. I am still the man that purchased a dog with her and did so expecting the two of us to raise him. I am still the man that bought the dog and paid for the puppy package and paid for the dog food because it made her happy even when I couldn’t afford it. I am still the man that even when I really didn’t want to do something, if she said she wanted me to do it, I would. I am still the man that was looking forward to growing old with her. I am still the man that she said she loved.
Yes, something started to slip. Like I said, I needed a wake up call. I didn’t need one of these proportions though. I needed her support and her love.
I am still the man that despite loosing somebody he TRULY loved, despite being met with nothing but failure in every endeavor in the last couple of years, despite all hardships encountered – I am the man that will continue to move forward. I will keep my faith that God has given me. I will continue to pray and ask for her return. I am also prepared to accept a life without her. Although it is not what I want in the least bit, I respect her wishes and I trust her with all my heart. If she never looks back, then with all the pain in the world, I respect that decision.
Man, you just learned why NC is best - you just reinflamed a healing scar by hearing her verbalize things she's holding against you. You can't pray for her return AND try to move on. If you're truly going to move on, you need to not consider her coming back an option. It will only prolong your misery, trust me - I'm going through the same thing. The truth is, they moved on before they dumped us ... by now, they're way down the road. We have to be realistic about that and focus only on moving ourself forward. If somewhere down the road they come back in our life, we deal with it then as we think best. Only if we've truly moved on will we be in a position to handle that decision in the best way possible.
Actually the talking to her didn't make anything worse to be honest.
It kinda just pointed out to me, that she either made a big mistake, or she never had true love for me.
If the mistake is what broke us and kept us from being then we weren't meant to be. If she had no true love for me, then we weren't meant to be. Either way, at the end of the day, the best has happened. Yeah I miss her and would love for her to come back, but I wouldn't want her coming back just because of our history.
I am moving on slowly. I actually had a date with a very nice lady the other day. Don't think that went anywhere but its a move down the right road.
17 days have passed since she first broke it off. Only 3 have passed since I sent her the last email and was also the last time there was any sort of communication. I understand what she is doing is best. She finally looked at the relationship and looked at whether she truly loves me, and the answer was no. She perhaps truly thought she did, but in the end realized she didn’t love me. So I don’t blame her at all for ending it. It really does make sense. I just wish this had happened a long time ago. Not after four years and two months together. I might have been questioning her true devotion all along and that might have played a role in me never asking for her hand in marriage. If that was the case, then I was right in questioning that. True love can withstand this and maybe she discovered that as well and that’s why she ended it.
I am still feverishly checking my phone and secretly looking out the window at every passing car, hoping that she has changed her mind and learned of her mistake. I know it’s a said and done issue, but my heart longs for her. It doesn’t matter if it was real for her or not, it was real to me. I miss her so very deeply. I had to delete her number from my phone so I would quit pissing her off with text messages. I had to put away all the pictures of her. I, a man among men, cried a couple of times. I know that if she did come back and had changed her mind or started listening to her heart – the way I thought her heart was set – that things might not work out. It would be hard to regain trust, it would be hard to move forward, I would probably always have some lingering doubt. So in the end I know it is best that it is over, although there is not a bone in my body that doesn’t miss her and doesn’t want her back.
I have lost to death, relatives that I loved. In death there is something unquestionable about it. It’s a said and done deal for sure. You miss those people without a doubt. It feels like she has died to me. My heart aches for her, my skin weeps for her touch, my soul is crushed by her absence. Yet unlike in death, she is still out there, she is still around. All my pain could cease if she came back to me, but it won’t. I loved that which did not love me.
It feels like I am cheating on her when I sit and try to push her out of my mind. All I can do is try to keep myself busy, keep my mind occupied. This works for short moments of reprieve. Then I realize I am once again being dishonest to myself. I have no want to do anything, I have no want to go on. The one and only thing I want is beyond me to do anything about. I never imagined being heartbroken and I never listened to those that were. I can now relate.
Friends have taken me out to distract me, their intentions are good. I have even attempted to bring myself to talking with other ladies. They aren’t what I want, they do not even hold a candle to what I had. In my moments of trying to move on, I am painfully reminded over and over of what I have lost. With every ounce of me I know I need to move on, I know she is not coming back – with every strand of fiber in my soul I want to be united with the one I did love.
I have spent my nights on my knees in prayer. I have spent my night relentlessly trying to sleep, only to find sleep and then have a dream of her. In my dreams I hit the same wall, the wall that I never saw being built. I wake covered in sweat and then come to the realization that, it is more then a bad dream, more then my worst nightmare, it is reality. God I miss her.
I am tired of this self imposed asylum. I feel like everything I do is in vain. All of me wants to be chasing after the lady of my dreams. At the same time, realizing that the same lady of my dreams doesn’t want anything to do with me, kills me. It pains me to no end, that she is out there somewhere trying and doing her best to move on and forget me. I thought we were solid, I thought we saw eye to eye, I thought we could find rest and safety within each other. My thoughts betrayed me, the person I truthfully and lovingly called my other half has taken flight. A man among men is laying broken and helpless.
Man, you have said it all, I feel the exact same way about my ex, although it's been a little longer for me. You write very well, and all I can say is hang in there, it will get better. Good writing. Even though my ex and I do speak often to each other...I don't know why. She is with someone else, and she says to me..."Don't wait for me"...what does that tell me? I was with her for almost 2 years, we broke up in April, got back together for a short time, but the ship sank in August. Best of luck.
Last edited by DSM2709; 25th October 2009 at 1:49 AM..
You can write, Keep your Head up man. Itll all get better, im in the same situation. and its only been since july 20th since we split, and I still have this damn feelings and memories about her.
Yeah this stinks - some days are way better then others. Just watching a BBC TV show called "Hole In The Wall" on youtube, I saw a couple on that show together where the guy ending up carrying his lady, both of these people were happy and it immediately made me think of my ex.
I think an important thing to remember is that - we might have messed up somewhere along the line, but in the end, I speak for myself on this, we are decent people. Our partners that left us, made the biggest screw up. Like I said in my posts I continue to be the man she loved or said she loved. In fact, I actually think I might be a better person now. I know more and am devoted more while also not neglecting what is around me. So in a way, I am a better man for her leaving me.
Its sad though, because I do want her back and this about her constantly.
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