Yes, I am a dumper. I check out these boards every now and then because I find them interesting. I finally decided to add my 2 cents in case it helps shine some light on any of your situations. Now I understand many of you will not agree, want to argue, think I'm dead wrong but I wanted to at least give some of you the perspective of a dumper who now wants the dumpee back.
I "dumped" my lovely boyfriend in Dec. He begged and pleaded a bit, I did not respond as many of your dumpers do not do to you. The REASON I did not respond was, to be very honest, an ego boost to see how far he would go for me and I guess part of me wanted to see how far he would bend (I know it's sick but I wasn't doing it to be mean but to test how much he really did love me), AND I did very much have feelings for him, I just needed away. I also did not respond because I was confused, unsure of how I felt about the relationship, and just needed some space, sometimes we don't even know why! I didn't dispise him or turn my feelings off, even tho it probably looked that way to him as it does to many of you in your situations. If he would have cut me off, did the whole NC thing, I may have freaked out for a week or so, then started to feel he was playing a game, as we are ALL aware of this NC idea, and it probably would have p*ssed me off and I would have started hating him, felt he was trying to manipulate me and not wanting him back. He did something that really turned everything around. He got very busy, was always polite and courteous to me but never asked for anything in return emotionally and started to seem ok with us being separated. If he would have cut me off I think he would have looked psycho and like he was so into me he couldn't even deal with it, which would have been a turn off. His seeming to be ok with everything gave me the feeling of breathing room and like there was no pressure and I was free to begin to enjoy the idea of his company again. Everytime I wrote him, (which was not often and usually benign) he never waited to write, he always wrote right away, politley, to the point and never asking or needing anything ESPECIALLY anything emotional which was a huge weight off my shoulders and I started to feel less pressure and more like I wasn't as unhappy as I thought.
AS THE DUMPER, I began to see the good things about him and I was suprised that he was much more confident than I thought. That was a turn on and I began to feel I was wrong in dumping him. THis took about 3 months. Now here is the important part. I decided a few weeks ago he was the one for me, and I want him more than anything but I AM NOT GOING TO CHASE HIM. So many of you are waiting for your ex to come back, say some scripted lines that you've written in your head for them, and PROVE their love. First of all, we have no idea what your scripted lines are that you want us to say. Second of all, we have pride too and wanting us to beg, plead et. is a very risky thing to ask of us, especially since 99% of relationships are not the fault of only one person, even though you feel it was our fault because you were dumped. No matter how much I love someone, there are certain things I would rather die before doing or saying. I suggest if you still love your dumper, you realize that sometimes it is hard for us to come back as well and your angry "you have to earn me back" attitude may make the situation too difficult for us to be able to come back. If you want us back and can help us save face, we will appreciate it. Also, sometimes many of you are missing your dumper trying to come back. I've read so many posts where some guy will say my ex wrote such and such, does she want me back? And to me it's soooo obvious that she is trying to open the door and still keep her dignity and everyone on this board responds to the poor guy by saying "heck no! Keep NC! Don't talk to her, don't see her, rip up her pictures, delete her from your computer, phone, IM et..." Geez! who wants someone who acts like that??!! That's really harsh!! In fact, they should have happily married people with no issues come on this board and give advise and I bet it would be much different than a bunch of people going through similar feelings or breakup anger giving each other advise, don't mean to offend btw.
Now I'm not advocating act like a fool and bend over backwards to get someone. Do not chase at all, if you can, just BE. Like the Beatles haha, just Let It Be. All I'm saying is that in my opinion, being kind, not chasing and cornering, but having boundaries, focusing on your own life, relaxing and just being cool about things and really letting go and not expecting/demanding so much from the other person is really where its at. What if you were to send out love never expecting anything from the other person in return? So much of what we want and demand, it seems, is emotional stuff from the other person because WE are needy, clingy, insecure et. but thats about US, not the other person. WHat if everyone just relaxed, had the experience of their feelings, but let go of any reciprocity from the other person? I know it's hard but so is NC right? Also, when we don't need and demand things from other people, it's so much easier to give those things. WHen my ex doesn't demend my attention and my love, than I am free to give it. I guess what I'm ultimatly saying is that it's all about fixing yourself, getting yourself independant, not about us dumpers. Many times we were mearly escaping needs from you we could not meet and are running away from them, sometimes in ways of cheating, sometimes in ways of needing space. Be kind, give us that space. You love us right? If you show your love by giving us our space and freedom, we then have the freedom to return it to you. Everytime you want to react in a negative way to your dumper, ie. ignoring them, pointing out faults, trying to trap or guilt them into certain feelings et. go do something nice for yourself, do something fun that gets your endorphins going and don't put the negative actions out there. If we are not with you, you have no right to demand things of us anyway but if you are kind, and busy, and have your own life and are not asking for so much, your a nice place to want to return . And when you turn the tables on us, we will hopefully have kindness and dignity ourselves.
I "dumped" my lovely boyfriend in Dec. He begged and pleaded a bit, I did not respond as many of your dumpers do not do to you. The REASON I did not respond was, to be very honest, an ego boost to see how far he would go for me and I guess part of me wanted to see how far he would bend (I know it's sick but I wasn't doing it to be mean but to test how much he really did love me),
Have you ever been dumped before by some1 you idolise,love.Its 1 of the most painful experiences ever,especially when it happens unexpectedly.I like many others did the begging/pleading when my ex ended our 4.5 year r/ship but he said he had made his decision at this time.
If i had thought for 1 minute that keeping in contact and the begging and pleading would have made a difference then i would have done it.I loved my ex too much not to try anything but i also knew that if i had continued begging and pleading it would have made me look desparate and there is only so much dignity you can lose before you lose all self respect.
Doing no contact isnt a game to get the other person back,well not all the time.In my case i didnt contact him to give myself time to heal.As for my ex if he ever decided he had made a mistake and wanted me back,HE WOULD HAVE TO WORK HARD,.After all,hes the 1 that walked away and broke my heart.The good thing about no contact though is it gives you time to see that if some1 truly loves you they dont walk away.
I was good to my ex and he knows it.Playing games doesnt work i agree with you.You said you dumped your lovely boyfriend because you wanted to know how much he loved you.How can he ever trust you again not to do the same thing?Also what happens if he meets some1 else and moves on.You say you dont believe in playing games then what were you doing with your ex?I only hope it doesnt backfire on you.Good luck.
It seems a bit weird to me that you want him back now but don't want to do anything about it.
It is also some what immature to think that you are not going to apologies or actively try and get him back when you were the one to hurt him in the first place.
Not contacting an ex isn't to get them back (a game), its to ove on with your own life.
I respect your opinion and if its what you prefer thats fine, but some times peple do things that rally hurt others and need to own up to them. Especially when you hurt someone that really cared and loved you.
Yes, I am a dumper. I check out these boards every now and then because I find them interesting. I finally decided to add my 2 cents in case it helps shine some light on any of your situations. Now I understand many of you will not agree, want to argue, think I'm dead wrong but I wanted to at least give some of you the perspective of a dumper who now wants the dumpee back.
I "dumped" my lovely boyfriend in Dec. He begged and pleaded a bit, I did not respond as many of your dumpers do not do to you. The REASON I did not respond was, to be very honest, an ego boost to see how far he would go for me and I guess part of me wanted to see how far he would bend (I know it's sick but I wasn't doing it to be mean but to test how much he really did love me), AND I did very much have feelings for him, I just needed away. I also did not respond because I was confused, unsure of how I felt about the relationship, and just needed some space, sometimes we don't even know why! I didn't dispise him or turn my feelings off, even tho it probably looked that way to him as it does to many of you in your situations. If he would have cut me off, did the whole NC thing, I may have freaked out for a week or so, then started to feel he was playing a game, as we are ALL aware of this NC idea, and it probably would have p*ssed me off and I would have started hating him, felt he was trying to manipulate me and not wanting him back. He did something that really turned everything around. He got very busy, was always polite and courteous to me but never asked for anything in return emotionally and started to seem ok with us being separated. If he would have cut me off I think he would have looked psycho and like he was so into me he couldn't even deal with it, which would have been a turn off. His seeming to be ok with everything gave me the feeling of breathing room and like there was no pressure and I was free to begin to enjoy the idea of his company again. Everytime I wrote him, (which was not often and usually benign) he never waited to write, he always wrote right away, politley, to the point and never asking or needing anything ESPECIALLY anything emotional which was a huge weight off my shoulders and I started to feel less pressure and more like I wasn't as unhappy as I thought.
AS THE DUMPER, I began to see the good things about him and I was suprised that he was much more confident than I thought. That was a turn on and I began to feel I was wrong in dumping him. THis took about 3 months. Now here is the important part. I decided a few weeks ago he was the one for me, and I want him more than anything but I AM NOT GOING TO CHASE HIM. So many of you are waiting for your ex to come back, say some scripted lines that you've written in your head for them, and PROVE their love. First of all, we have no idea what your scripted lines are that you want us to say. Second of all, we have pride too and wanting us to beg, plead et. is a very risky thing to ask of us, especially since 99% of relationships are not the fault of only one person, even though you feel it was our fault because you were dumped. No matter how much I love someone, there are certain things I would rather die before doing or saying. I suggest if you still love your dumper, you realize that sometimes it is hard for us to come back as well and your angry "you have to earn me back" attitude may make the situation too difficult for us to be able to come back. If you want us back and can help us save face, we will appreciate it. Also, sometimes many of you are missing your dumper trying to come back. I've read so many posts where some guy will say my ex wrote such and such, does she want me back? And to me it's soooo obvious that she is trying to open the door and still keep her dignity and everyone on this board responds to the poor guy by saying "heck no! Keep NC! Don't talk to her, don't see her, rip up her pictures, delete her from your computer, phone, IM et..." Geez! who wants someone who acts like that??!! That's really harsh!! In fact, they should have happily married people with no issues come on this board and give advise and I bet it would be much different than a bunch of people going through similar feelings or breakup anger giving each other advise, don't mean to offend btw.
Now I'm not advocating act like a fool and bend over backwards to get someone. Do not chase at all, if you can, just BE. Like the Beatles haha, just Let It Be. All I'm saying is that in my opinion, being kind, not chasing and cornering, but having boundaries, focusing on your own life, relaxing and just being cool about things and really letting go and not expecting/demanding so much from the other person is really where its at. What if you were to send out love never expecting anything from the other person in return? So much of what we want and demand, it seems, is emotional stuff from the other person because WE are needy, clingy, insecure et. but thats about US, not the other person. WHat if everyone just relaxed, had the experience of their feelings, but let go of any reciprocity from the other person? I know it's hard but so is NC right? Also, when we don't need and demand things from other people, it's so much easier to give those things. WHen my ex doesn't demend my attention and my love, than I am free to give it. I guess what I'm ultimatly saying is that it's all about fixing yourself, getting yourself independant, not about us dumpers. Many times we were mearly escaping needs from you we could not meet and are running away from them, sometimes in ways of cheating, sometimes in ways of needing space. Be kind, give us that space. You love us right? If you show your love by giving us our space and freedom, we then have the freedom to return it to you. Everytime you want to react in a negative way to your dumper, ie. ignoring them, pointing out faults, trying to trap or guilt them into certain feelings et. go do something nice for yourself, do something fun that gets your endorphins going and don't put the negative actions out there. If we are not with you, you have no right to demand things of us anyway but if you are kind, and busy, and have your own life and are not asking for so much, your a nice place to want to return . And when you turn the tables on us, we will hopefully have kindness and dignity ourselves.
I appreciate the fact that you are trying to 'help' the dumpees win the love of their dumpers.
But I find this sad and immature.
You did this to find out how much he loved you? But in turn you put him in an insecure mode of how much you loved him. So, you get back together and you feel secure on what a great guy he is and the depths of his feelings. Wonderful. But then he wonders how much you loved him to have broken up in the first place.
You can't see the cruel cycle?
__________________ Expectations are premeditated resentments
If a guy or girl do this to test someone, in the process they really hurt the other person. It shows they maturity level and that they do not know how to love or are about someone.
I like your post, it has some very good points along with some bad advice.
First of all, you don't dump someone just to see if they really love you, that is just plain immature.
Second, I agree with the way he handled himself but I can assure you he was torn up when you weren't around. He just knew that he had to keep his cool to stand the best chance at reconciliation.
Third, most people are not going to react the way he did when they get dumped by someone they love, this is a rare case and it took a lot of **lls for him to do what he needed to.
Fourth, I agree with much of what you said in theory, but in practice it's much harder for the dumpee to achieve. If dumpees could maintain this kind of postion during this transition, it certainly would induce a better chance for reconciliation.
Overall, I think it's unrealistic for most people to take a breakup of someone they love lightly, and we all falter when pain is inflicted. This to me seems just a little bit selfish on your end for even putting this man through this, after all you said you broke up with him just to test his love for you.
NC is about getting on with your life. If someone breaks up with you they should be the one to put a little work in to make things right. That is assuming you broke up over normal stuff. No offense but if you get a ego boost knowing you're hurting someone you might need to seek some help.
While I've always been the dumper, your post makes no sense at all. You dump someone for some damn good compatibility issues. If you dump them for your ego, you've got a lot of growing up to do. There's more that I'd like to say regarding the balance of your post but it's best that I refrain from saying it.
I think I can see what she's trying to say. First off, you need to get past the original reason for dumping her guy. Yes, it was a stupid reason, and very immature, but if you can ignore that, she's actually making some really good points.
It seems like all she's saying is that if you tone down the intensity level (for someone who's trying to win someone back) whether it be in your level of contact, or your level of no contact...this is a good thing.
Sure, begging and pleading is horrible, but just as bad is flat-out ignoring someone. You're basically telling them that you're not over them, and that the other person should probably stay away a little longer.
Now obviously this doesn't apply to someone that sincerely trying to get out of an abusive relationship, or to every circumstance. This person is addressing her specific situation...the feeling of being trapped, having someone too clingy, or whatever, and her need to remove herself from that for whatever reason. Someone needy in a relationship is extremely selfish when it comes to their emotions and feelings and needs being met. Can we really be that angry with someone that escapes from that type of situation wanting to assert a bit of her own control to the relationship in whatever way she can...by ignoring them???
The post makes a valid point about what 'no contact' should be from this perspective. It should read "No emotional contact".
I think I can see what she's trying to say. First off, you need to get past the original reason for dumping her guy. Yes, it was a stupid reason, and very immature, but if you can ignore that, she's actually making some really good points.
You can't ignore her reasons for dumping the guy - if it weren't for those ego-boosting reasons and no other REAL issues in the relationship, she wouldn't want to get back together with him regardless of how he had handled the break up.
For example, if she dumped him because he was cheating, or because she was cheating, the rest of her post is moot. If she had dumped him because he wasn't paying enough attention to her, never took her out anywhere, had a bad temper and yelled at her, was inconsiderate of her feelings, couldn't make a commitment, she never loved him in the first place, she wanted to date other people, she didn't share the same interests, she didn't want the same things out of life, she didn't want commitment...do you see? He could have begged, gone NC, or done the exact same thing he did and it really wouldn't have made any difference because the relationship was DEAD.
But, yeah, when you break up with someone as a game, then sure, the other player's moves might make a difference.
I think she mentioned why she left. She was confused, needed space. She didn't respond to boost her ego, she didn't break up for that reason. To me, it sounds like the guy was too needy, and she felt smothered. Being overwhelmed with 'love' can have the opposite effect of what you're trying to accomplish, and it can make the person it's directed at confused. Sure, you feel loved, but, my God, does it have to be so intense all the time??? What happened to just having a little fun.
The point I think she's making on here is that so many guys on here are trying so hard to 'fix' things, either before the break or after, and what should be done is to just move on, be happy, don't 'freeze them out' by going totally no contact, cause that has the opposite effect of what the person is trying to do. Same thing as smothering them with love.
Any action, taken to the extreme, is the wrong way to act.
This is the point of the OP and, in my opinion, it does not matter what her frame of mind was at the time that led her to this conclusion. The relevance of the point is no less because of it.
From the OP-note that the word 'reason' is in caps. Also in this paragraph are the words, ego boost, sick and test.
Granted, she may have stated reasons for the break up, but clearly wasn't too sure if she actually meant it.
Instead of being an adult and saying, "look, I need some space" she broke up and sat back to watch and gauge the show her bf put on.
It was a selfish motive and I wish her luck finding a meaningful relationship given the way she conducts them.
I "dumped" my lovely boyfriend in Dec. He begged and pleaded a bit, I did not respond as many of your dumpers do not do to you. The REASON I did not respond was, to be very honest, an ego boost to see how far he would go for me and I guess part of me wanted to see how far he would bend (I know it's sick but I wasn't doing it to be mean but to test how much he really did love me), AND I did very much have feelings for him, I just needed away.
Throw out the baby with the bathwater?? (to all you teens on here, look it up...it's a saying!)
Let's crucify this girl for being the embodiment of all of our ex's.
Is there anyone out there that can get past the first part of the OP, and see that there may be some merit in what else she had to say?? To me, it sounds like she was trying to be as truthful as possible, maybe to show that she understood the other side of all this, and made herself look bad in the process.
Wow, wow, wow, I figured I'd get attacked. Just to clarify, I did NOT dump my boyfriend to test him. I didn't respond to him initially because I guess I wanted to see how far he would go. Was just being honest to give you guys another opinion. I broke up with him because I wasn't sure I loved him anymore and wasn't sure I wanted the relationship. It wasn't unitl AFTER and because of his behavior that I wanted him back. I would apologize, but I wouldn't chase...and sometimes people need to be comunicating a bit to have the chance to apologize.
Why is everyone so harsh? She said she felt like she needed space in addition to the part about testing him. Sometimes people want out of a relationship without knowing why. I don't think that's the point of this whole post.
Ignoring that first part, I think this is helpful and gave me a new angle to think about. Everyone on this board says NC is the only way to go when dumped. And that NC will make it look like the dumper is over the relationship. What you said about NC making it look like the dumpee is "so into you he can't even handle it" makes more sense to me, that could be true. Now I'm afraid my ex might be thinking the same thing, I have been in NC for over a month. Once again I don't know what to do.
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. And when you turn the tables on us, we will hopefully have kindness and dignity ourselves.
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