Hurting...What to do...

Long first post. Bear with me...

My fiance, who I'll refer to as Ms. A, and I have been together since May of last year. We both grew up in Ohio, and she was/is a hair stylist in the small town where we lived. Gorgeous, funny, great personality. The wife of my closest friend is the receptionist in this salon. Being very interested in Ms. A., my friend's wife would pass me information occasionally re: the status of her then-relationship. It was a fairly destructive one, her then-boyfriend being a serious druggy, abusive, etc. When I heard that she'd finally broken it off with him, I did what I could to meet her socially, as she'd been doing my hair for some time.

I was 29, she was 22. We began dating slowly, and things went fantastically well. It seemed that both she, her family, and her friends all recognized how differently I treated her and took care of her, with respect to her previous boyfriends. After 8 months of the best relationship both of had ever had, we were engaged on New Year's Eve.

Now...I feel that it's important to point out some aspects of her family, friends, etc. Like her ex-boyfriend, Ms. A. had taken her share of drugs over the years, but had left that behind significantly before we began dating. She, her brother, cousins, and friends were very close in age, and seemed to live out the patterns of some pretty disfunctional backgrounds, but Ms. A. seemed committed to us, her work, and a clean lifestyle. We do go out quite often to local bars, but this is the extent of any destructive behaviors that I ever witnessed.

Previous to our engagement, we had decided to move away from Ohio. Neither of us could stand the climate or atmosphere, although the vast majority of her friends and family have lived there their entire lives. I was chasing my dream of a future in Motorsports, she wanted to open her own salon, and we had an open invitation to live with my parents in South Carolina, until we got situated into a place of our own.

The early-January move went great. I found a great position here, and she was working with an upscale salon just days after we arrived. In order to stay productive until her client-base grew here, Ms. A. flew back to Ohio for a few days every-other week, to take care of her best clients. In the few months we've been here, we've made a few friends, began saving for a home, and found a nice, local hangout. As her clients are still growing, the majority of our income comes from me, which has never been an issue. We've always done well at helping each other with anything, including the bills. As I'm very good managing money, I've also taken care of handling paying her bills, and making up any difference when she's short. The sex is good, there's money in the bank, the weather's great, and she's been out looking at wedding dresses. There's never really been the slightest hint of problem...no abuse, cursing, issues, arguments, etc. We're cruising along great. For the most part, it's been like a fairy tale.

On March 26, Ms. A's lifelong best friend was getting married in Arizona, and she was to be the Maid of Honor. I bought her the airfare, her dress, shoes, and provided some pocket money for the trip. As I'm new to my company, vacation time is sparse, and frankly, the airfare was expensive. She left on March 23 for Arizona, and spent the days preceeding the wedding with her friend.

...this is where life starts to suck...

I spoke with her a couple of times each day while she was in Arizona, and things seemed great. But when she got home, I got the feeling something was not quite right, but didn't give it much thought after I asked if everything was OK, and she assured me that nothing was wrong. A day or two passed, and she seemed a little distant. Not completely, but enough to catch my attention. This continued for a couple of days, until she arrived home at nearly 10PM from work, which had ended around 8:00. Neither of us has ever required 'checking-in' very much, but it seemed odd, as she usually lets me know if she'll be late, and I do the same. There's a nice restaurant next to her salon which she enjoys, and I correctly assumed that she'd just stopped in for a quick dinner, since she brought home a half-eaten sandwich from there. The next night, I overheard a snippet of a phone conversation from the attic, where I was putting some things away.

"...I did it once, and I can..." (trailed off...couldn't hear anything else...)

This really tipped me off that something may be wrong. She does talk to her Aunt [in Ohio] a couple of times a day, but her tone just seemed WAY off. At work the next day, I started checking her cell phone records online, something which I have never done before. As the records sometimes take several days to update, I couldn't get anything from them. I phoned her that afternoon from work, and gently implied that I was feeling uneasy, and that it was most likely just my imagination running away with me...right? She assured me that nothing was wrong, and we had a pretty heartfelt conversation. All was well.

This past Saturday, I'd made big plans for her birthday. We went skydiving, then stayed at a classy downtown hotel, and enjoyed the nightlife. The whole episode cost a small fortune, but Ms. A. was my whole life, so...who cares? After arriving home on Sunday, I went to the living room to watch a DVD, while she relaxed in the bedroom. After a half-hour or so, I went to the bedroom for a sweatshirt, and heard her on the phone, through the partially-closed door. There was some conversation about smoking pot, so I paused to listen. I heard her talk about a trip to Illinois, and how I wouldn't ask questions. And if I did, she would say that it's just a friend. I calmly walked in, and sat down. She finished up her conversation [with her Aunt].

I confronted her, calmly but demandingly. She confessed to having gotten very drunk at the reception in Arizona, and sleeping with someone else. I immediately kicked her out, packed her car, and sent her back to Ohio.

After many phone calls, records checks, etc., the story got worse. It wasn't just a drunken, blacked-out mistake where she woke up next to someone; she had spent the night, and the next night as well, until he finally took her to the airport. After she arrived home, she's carried on phone conversations with him every day, and had tentatively made plans to.....get this.....have him meet her in Ohio on her next styling trip. Not only has she spoken to him every day, he was her first call after the incredible birthday I gave her. Un-fuc&ing believable.

I just don't fu@king understand. By her own admission, there was nothing wrong when she left for Arizona. We'd had sex the night before, and all seemed well. I'm absolutely shocked, stunned, and p!ssed-off beyond belief. How could she do this, after everything I'd done for her, on a trip that I PAID FOR?!?!?!

While I could maybe, possibly, somehow forgive an Oh-s***-I-passed-out-and-who-is-this-next-to-me evening, especially considering the huge amount of liquor [and weed, as I found out later], I just can't understand the fact that she stayed with him, had sex with him again, and kept in contact for a week.

Two full days have passed since I kicked her out. I haven't eaten or slept since. She insists that she's broken it off with him, that it was just a stupid, lustful time, and that it means nothing to her. She's miserable, crying, and claims that I'm her whole life, that she'll do ANYTHING to make it up to me, that something like this will never happen again. Her family is furious with her, having loved me like a son.

I've loved this girl unlike anyone else. I never thought that I'd find someone so perfect [until now] in every way. I just don't get it. Is there any hope? To my knowledge, this has never happened to me before, and I've always said that I'd never stay with a cheater. I know she's genuinely sorry. I know she's broken it off with him, and I've confirmed it.

Help...

What a real downer. I am sorry for you and way your woman treated you by taking advantage of your good nature and loving feeling for her. You have every right to be hurt, mad,upset and just plain pissed off.

I would think long and hard if you could ever trust her again. It sounds like the drugs are more important and the feeling she gets from them than you are. If you hadn't found out would she have gone to Ohio with this guy. I think so. She is sorry because she was caught and is afraid of the changes in her life that might entail.

the decision is yours but can you feel like you can forgive her and start over again? This is what it would take because she has violated your trust in her and it will take a lot of time to gain it back. Love is blind but I hope you can evaluate your situation clearly and make a decision that is best for you ( not her).

this is a really tough situation and im sorry that this has happened to you. All i can really say is : how do you know if this wont happen in the future? thats the risk you gotta take.

You thought everything was perfect until this happend. If you forgive her, and things are finally going smooth again, and something else like this happens, you will be way beyond heartbreak. Its really hard right now, and i know this, but it will be much harder if it happens again. I believe, once a cheater, always a cheater. This would always be in the back of my mind. It would suck always wanting to know- where she is, what she's doing,who she's with because all that trust you had was gone.

I would not talk to her for a while. There is no time limits but you need time to yourself to grieve, and to think long and hard if you want to spend the rest of your life with a woman who betrayed you. And what tops this off is that you were engaged and planning out the wedding while this happend. I would be able to forgive her, but i would NEVER forget... and thats something you have to live with. I really cant tell you what to do in this situation but I can try to help. If i were you, as hard as this would be, I would have to break everything off. I wouldnt be able to commit the rest of my life to a person who stabbed me in the heart, and cheated w/ someone while being engaged. I think you should continue with your career, enjoy your new neighborhood, and make some friends and go out. Even this is kinda like rock bottom right now, you never know- miss rite can enter ur life at anytime. Tell her not to call you, email, or text you for a while. You need time to think if she's worth being your wife after all you did for her and this sh-t she did to you.

(I'm not sure if explicit words are filtered here, so I'll be as discreet as I can)

In talking with her today, I'm still left with questions. She's adamant that no one has ever turned her on like I do, and that she never even enjoyed having sex before. This part I know is true, from the things that we talked about when we were first dating.

I know that I shouldn't feel any sort of responsibility for what happened, but I have to admit...she had brought it up to me two or three times in the last few months that she felt like I didn't want her enough. I know that with the added stress of a new job, handling ads for her styling, managing both of our finances, etc., I wasn't having sex with her nearly as much; Only about once a week. And frankly, I don't keep it a secret from her that...(how can I put this gently)...I don't mind 'taking care of myself' at all, when I'm alone. I'm not militant or overly-regular about that, but she's said [in the past] that it makes her feel unwanted.

In part, I feel like I've opened the floodgate of her sex drive, and up until now, that's been fantastic. She's told me over and over again since we started dating that she's never had 0rg@sms before, and that's always made me feel awesome. In retrospect, I feel like $hit since, admittedly, I didn't really up the ante more often in the bedroom when she mentioned these things earlier on.

I also know that, quite honestly, she didn't drink to that extent very often at all before meeting me. In retrospect, I think we've kind of used it as an easy crutch for having good times, instead of being smart and finding better things to do as a couple. It certainly doesn't do us any good physically. She's gone up a few sizes from her size 2's since we met, which is partially responsible I think, for why I'm not as aggressive sexually anymore. But believe me, she's still a knockout.

While I know now that this was the real reason this happened, I also know that there's never a valid excuse for doing this. In a committed, engaged relationship, self-control has to take over regardless of the situation. This early on in our engagement (~3 months), I just don't know what to think. I don't know how to respond to the fact that she wants to keep smoking pot occasionally. (Can't believe I just wrote that...) I've never done it, but people I've dated have. Honestly, it's never really bothered me.

I wish I could force myself to hate her, but I can't. Am I making excuses for her, or are these really valid points?

There is no possibility of a second chance with something like this. From reading your post, nobody is going to be able to tell you WHY she committed this hanus act, but I can tell you that she'll doit again. Once a cheat, ALWAYS a cheat, are the truest words ever spoken. That bond of trust is broken, and no matter how long you guys are together, there will always be a weak link.

I told my g/f of 5 years, that if she ever slept with anyone else, even if we broke up, that we had no chance of ever being together. She wanted to take some time off before we got married, to make sure i was the 'one'. She went out on a few dates with a couple guys, and she ended up sleeping with one guy after a couple weeks of dating. She calls me crying, probably saying the same things your ex says, but it'll never be the same.

It's not worth it bro. There are wayyyyy too many gorgeous, funny, smart women out there to waste your time with a cheater. Move on.

I think you are in a place that many women find themselves. I was like this in my last relationship. My ex had just come off of a bad break up when I met him. Yet he was the one who hadn't always treated his ex right. But he was so sorry and wished to be the person who could share a new and wonderful relationship with me. Of course I wanted to believe and we carried on for a number of years. But man did I have to put up with a lot. I don't really want to get into it, but let's just say drinking, maybe other women (not sure about that)..etc. etc. But of course I was always there for him, always patient, always kind (okay sometimes I was a total bitch about it too). But you know.....it never really got me anywhere. Notice how I said ex.

So I think you sound like a very nice and great guy. Unfortunately you may have just fallen for the wrong girl. But of course you love her, so she must be right. Well, unfortunately that isn't always the case.

I think you might also be a little naive to what her real problems are. Right before you she came off of, what sounds like, a very co-dependent and dysfunctional relationship. Those types of things usually scar people. I mean at least enough for them to maybe get into therapy (if they want to get well). Your girlfriend sounds like maybe she's not quite over her past or maybe she's just not really able to truly reciprocate this great life you are laying out for her, and, by the way, it does sound great. You sound like you have been extremely nice to her. Sadly, she might be purposefully trying to sabatage your relationship. Why would she do this? I don't know, but maybe she doesn't believe she deserves all your kindness. You know the old sayings like "you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl." Fill in your own personal details there.

I remember one of the last things my ex said to me: "Why do you want to love a man like me?" You know, I don't know why I did. But it sounds like your girlfriend, despite her wildest attempts, does in fact have her own problems that are ingrained in her. She must resolve those first. Then the other big question comes up......will she change for you? That's the toughest question to ask yourself, but it's one I think women ponder over more than men.

Darn, it sounds like you've been so good too. You don't sound like you deserve any of this. But.....what to do?? Maybe therapy. But you should start leveling with yourself that even though you've made this nice life for her, she still might have some skeletons in her closet which she has not dealt with and maybe doesn't even know how. But is this really your problem? Not at all. So the choice is yours to make what to do about it. If nothing else both of you will probably learn a lesson from this. That's what I always try to remind myself. Good luck.

By the way, you've got a very easy writing style. Your story was a good one.

had the same thing happening to me... best thing to do is move on... you seem like a good person and i'm sure somebody else will apreaciate you for who you are... learn to control your feelings and not fall in love right away.