So I've been reading this forum and online advice for days now. I've even read the book "Re-Attraction: How to get your Ex Back in 30 Days or Less"....now of course I am not taking the book literally..but it does have some amazing valid points. I want to share my story with you all and if anyone is out there to reply and give me some advice it would lift my spirits.
I'm 25, and I started dating a gorgeous girl two years ago. We were long distance as I was away at college for a good 7 months. Our relationship was extremely intense and we both developed such a strong bond with each other. I went on a backpacking trip to Europe for a month after graduating college and we both told each other I love you the night before I left. She was from my home town, so I decided to move back there upon graduation and I found a really good job and we moved into an apartment together. Our relationship was a continual growing process during our living together. Everything seemed too good to be true for so so long. We took spontaneous trips to Seattle, NYC, etc...and for the next year and a half things were heating up between us. I knew she was "the one" and I started shopping for engagement rings. I was going to pop the question in December next month.
Then, 3 weeks ago she simply dropped a bomb on me and one night told me she was "unhappy"...I wasnt too shocked because she had stopped having sex with me, being initimate with me, and spending more time with friends. I was completely supportive of her plight and vowed to do whatever it took to make us grow again.
She then sat me down one night, told me she had kissed an old flame and it meant nothing. But then she moved out 4 days later, got her own apartment, took all of her things, and for the next 2 weeks I was in complete turmoil. I did my best to play it cool, but she kept assuring me it was over with the old flame. However, this last weekend on Halloween she was seen out in public with him sitting on his lap and was even introduced as her new "boyfriend". I waited a couple days before I asked her on this and it completely SHOCKED me how different of a person she seemed to be. She told me she was completely over me and had moved on with this new man. It was as if I never existed, and as if our relationship meant nothing to her. Her new man doesnt live here, is in the military, and went back to base after spending a good 4 days at her apartment with her. It was the absolute worst 4 days of my entire life imagining what they were doing in her new place.
Then, she went to Atlanta last Monday for a concert and we hadnt spoken in 4 days. she sent a text late at night and said she was missing me sorely and finally hit this brick wall of emotions. I refused to reply for a few more days but then she shows up at my apt claiming she needed to get a few more things. she got them and stormed off. so last night was sort of intense. she called me crying hysterically saying she made such a huge mistake and she has lost me forever. I kept playing it cool and never strung her along...just told her I am here if she needs to talk. I dont wanna be COLD and completely ignore her pain right now. But Im not quite sure how to handle the situation. I did do the no contact rule for 5 days straight but she kept texting me on how she misses me. Should I try this again?
.... I am living each day in SO much pain that she deceived me. I miss her more than anything and my heart yearns to have her again, but she cheated on me and Im a whirlwind of questions and emotions. Any advice guys?
Last edited by photobooth; 7th November 2009 at 10:12 AM..
Let her prove you with her actions not words. If you believe she deserves a second chance than go for it, but make sure to yourself that she understands her mistakes and will never do them again. Other than that i'd say forget and move on, ignore her calls and text messages focus on you and the life ahead.
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Here is an update from a pretty heavy night last night. I REALLY need somme advice in this situation because it is now at the most crucial point where I need to make a decision.
so from my above story you can see that my ex cheated on me with an old flame and then started to have a "relationship" with him. well 2 nights ago, I was having a ciggarette with a mutual friend and my ex shows up OUT OF NOWHERE. She was really awkward and didnt talk to me or look at me. I felt out of place, said Hi to her, and then proceeded to leave. I said Bye to her and she didnt even look at me. As I was driving away, she texted me and said "She couldnt handle seeing me, and as soon as I walked out the door, she broke down crying uncontrollably"....so obviously seeing me (which she went out of her way to do) stirred a great deal of emotion inside of her. fastforward to last night and she kept texting me wanting to come over and just "talk"...I ignored her texts and calls all day until I finally broke down when she left a voicemail saying she was right down the road from my apt and was going to stop by for some of her "things"....
Well, she did stop by and I was here. When she walked into my apt, my heart just fell deep into my stomach. I was absolutely taken aback by how gorgeous she was and how much my heart felt nothing but instant happiness. I played it cool all night and we had such deep conversations about music, religion, piercings, even relationship dynamics, friends, and we listened to music we both loved while reading the lyrics. She kept telling me several times about these Brand New songs that reminded me of her. She finally sat down beside me and started flirting with me but I did not flirt back. I could the power shifting in my body and then during a song she just latched onto me and starting crying intensely. I held her so tightly and it all felt so right, but at the same time, something inside of me was telling me that she is doing this because her new boyfriend (the one she cheated with) is not here. He lives in Louisiana and we live in Florida. after the hug and cry, it became more of a casual conversation about "us" and what to do next. I never once mentioned I wanted to get back together.
All in all, I have tried SO hard to implement this NC rule but its not working for me. She is the "one" and I want to do everything in my power to win her back, but it has to be on MY terms and she could end up cheating on me again. She even told me that her new boyfriend (of 1 week now) LOVES her and it freaks her out. he is just a rebound boy, a **** buddy for her, and now I am just SEVERELY CONFUSED as what to do next.
Its Sunday and she wants to come over and watch the Saints game because its something we've done together religiously for the last 2 years. Do I ignore her today and into the future....or do I just play it cool and hang out with her?....Is she just getting validation from me because her new bloke isnt here?
...ahhhhh! so many questions now. If I just knew how to make this nightmare go away
As you said her new dude isn't there, and it's obvious that her new guy doesn't know she tried to flirt with you are you sure she won't cheat when he comes back? Although, you already made a mistake by allowing her to come in your apartment. Don't let her use you, tell her you are busy tonight and she can't come to your place. Let her know that she isn't taking this break up seriously, in the mean time don't contact her doesn't matter if she sent you 10000 messages. Go NC and heal yourself, the reason she came back to you is because she is lonely think about this man you deserve much better don't let her play mind games with you.
She talking to about her new boyfriend, throwing it in your face. if she is that cold, why do you even want her in your life?
She is a game player and your the toy.
by the way: Inauthentic = not authentic
Unauthentic = intended to deceive
As in: The inauthentic relationship is doomed because your girlfriend's unauthentic actions.
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"There can be no Peace, Joy or Contentment in your heart, if the things you say are different to the things you do"-Xena the Buddhist Monk Warrior Princess
"be less gravy, more steel"-caramel C.
Last edited by GrayClouds; 8th November 2009 at 11:04 PM..
I think that is really harsh. I personally have never bought or read one of those books as it's about manipulation but as mentioned I'm sure there is some decent pointers in there. The OP is in obvious pain and he's reaching out like everyone else
For me (and I'm no expert) you HAVE to go no contact. While ever she is getting what she needs from you she'll not miss you (I'd have thought that would have been covered in that book to be honest).
I'm in the process of getting my ex back but it's very touch and go and that came about with nc. You have to re-group, get back some self belief and see how you feel when you've made some steps to recovery. A cheating partner may well have made a mistake - then again she may be a lifetime of pain and hurt
I know how you feel mate, your story is similar to mine and happened around the same time except I went completely NC and she hasn't even tried to contact me, but this... "I hit a wall" happens quiet often since they broke-up and not you, they ended something and not you... For now pain stings like a bee, but in the future you have nothing to worry about since you didn't fail no one. Would be aquard to feel bad of something you didn't even give a reason to happen so be cool just how you been all this time. As you can see her night mare is barely starting which also has a name REMORSE
Location: My own head but trying to find a new place to dwell
Posts: 798
Quote:
Originally Posted by photobooth
I've even read the book "Re-Attraction: How to get your Ex Back in 30 Days or Less"
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LOL:l augh: I think someone is getting better at Spamming. The title of the book should be "You May possiblely be Able to Manipulate Someone to Come Back But They Left for a Reason and That Reason is Still there and Will Leave Again and if They Don't Lucky You, Your in a Inauthentic Relationship"
But I admit that is a bit wordy.
Just in case this is not a phony post, why would you want the cheatin piece of crap back...she is pretty? How low is your self esteem do you have?
LOL:l augh: I think someone is getting better at Spamming. The title of the book should be "You May possiblely be Able to Manipulate Someone to Come Back But They Left for a Reason and That Reason is Still there and Will Leave Again and if They Don't Lucky You, Your in a Inauthentic Relationship"
But I admit that is a bit wordy.
Just in case this is not a phony post, why would you want the cheatin piece of crap back...she is pretty? How low is your self esteem do you have?
LOL at you actually. Im not a spammer at all. An actual human being who read a book that had some valid points. Im truly sorry if you've had the luxury of being in an "unathentic" relationship buddy, but this one for me is actually genuine. I want the girl back because she means the world to me, because she makes me whole and is my other half. My self esteem is fine...I'm not some god awful looking creature from the abyss who has a difficult time with females, I just got put into an extremely unfortunate situation and looking for others who can shed some decent advice.
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