[ItsOnlyMe]

Originally Posted by Mishileena

So my question is - Since he admitted to me on his own alot of the stuff should I trust that he will be semi truthful in the future? Or Am I to prepare for the ride of my life? There are alot of things I know about from his brother that he didnt admit to, but I am hoping that since the door has been opened maybe he will start to tell more honestly some of these things without me having to attack him with the knowledge I already have.

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Help please tell me I am not the only one out there with dilemma.

You're not the only one. Not by a long shot.

I'm new to this forum, and this is my first post. You don't know me, obviously, and I don't know you. You don't know my story. My words to you are based on my experience, so take them as that alone.

No one can tell you what to do with your life. But, if you're brave enough to look, you'll find that you're kind of like Dorothy with the ruby slippers...you have the power to get back to Kansas any time you want; you just have to go through a lot before you actually believe in that power. There's a reason you are where you are--right here, asking these questions, dealing with these fears. You'll figure it out if you keep looking for the answers inside yourself, and not outside.

My husband is and always has been a liar. In his case, he has a personality disorder and other mental health issues, but that doesn't excuse his behavior, and it doesn't change how I deal with it. I have compassion for all that he's gone through to become the person he is--broken people don't become what they are without a very interesting and often painful life history--but I'm learning new ways every day to take care of myself and not constantly fall prey to his tactics. It isn't easy.

You asked whether you should trust your partner because he came clean with you. If his lies were small ones--the little white lies we all tell from time to time--I'd say you'd be pretty safe. But these lies he told you are far from small. It's the same way with my husband. Speaking from my experience I can tell you that the answer to your question of whether you can trust him to be semi-truthful now that he was partially honest with you is a resounding NO. Admission of a lie or lies will not stop future lying in a person with a long and complex history of lying. (In fact, some liars will admit to certain things as a sort of "Get Out of Jail Free" card.) You can't get someone to stop being a liar--they have to want to stop, and they have to take some serious steps to address the underlying problems that cause them to lie. This means therapy. Lots of it.

But telling you this is probably a lot less helpful to you than helping you deal with it. His lying is beyond your control. If you remember just ONE thing in the course of your relationship with this man, remember that. You didn't cause the lying, you can't control the lying, and you can't cure the lying. You CAN control your reactions to it. You CAN lay out for him some guidelines and tell him how you expect to be treated, and how he can expect you to react if he doesn't follow through on anything he has agreed to.

You do not have the right to question him endlessly. That's toxic to a relationship, as I've spent years learning myself. You do not have the right to snoop through his private things. That's also toxic. You do have the right to ask him to help you cope with his deceit by disclosing things to you openly. He has the right to comply, or to not comply. You have the right to walk away, or try another tack, if he's unwilling to meet your requests.

This is all very complex stuff, and yet it's all very simple, too. Be true to yourself above all. Listen to yourself. Follow your gut instincts. Don't try to mold this man into the person you want him to be--that's futile. Be the best person you can be, honor yourself, know how you deserve to be treated, and everything else will--I promise you!--begin to fall into place.

Peace!

[Mishileena]

Thanks for letting me know I am NOT ALONE It does hurt alot,and I am often feeling pretty low right now but to top things off since I find now I am second guessing everything, as well I should, and in doing so found out there have been OW. Funny thing is he told them the same crap he told me....It's like he wants so badly for this lie to really be his life that he tells it over and over again. Anyways, I doubt this is fixable, but he will be home soon and we can talk about how we are going to proceed with our "relationship". Which I think will end with me saying a polite "thanks for wasting my time".