[Dexter Morgan]

in my opinion, he likes to flirt alot, electronically and whatnot. he is giving you reason to be jealous.

his facebook activities are a red flag as far as I'm concerned.

How to stop being jealous? the first way is to find someone who is more into you and less into chatting with other girls on the internet.

[letmejustsay]

In the past, I have been guilty of being a jealous person too. Its been a real struggle. Sometimes feeling jealous is understandable, especially if you are given a reason (i.e., cheating, lying, deceiving). However, I think that even understandable feelings of jealousy are tied to personal fear and insecurity.

Since you are putting time and energy into monitoring his behavior online tells me three things: (1) some of your needs aren't being met, (2) you sometimes struggle with feeling secure/confident about yourself, and (3) you may have some uncertainty about your boyfriend's commitment to your relationship.

First, no relationship partner is responsible for meeting your needs or helping you to feel secure/confident about yourself. A relationship partner is only responsible for answering questions you have about his commitment level to your relationship in a way that is thoughtful and honest.

If you feel compelled monitor his chat history, it sounds to me like you are doing two things -- doubting his commitment to you and struggling with feeling secure/confident/good about yourself.

Since you seem aware that you can be excessively jealous at times, a way to start figuring out how to overcome those jealous feelings is to figure out what thoughts and beliefs about yourself running through your mind while you're feeling jealous.

Being more attractive or less attractive than another female is somewhat superficial way of boosting one's confidence. Beauty does not guarantee anything. And, forgive me when I say that, I don't mean it to be harsh or to demean your attractiveness. However, attractiveness is not a reliable way to ensure relationship stability. So, with that said, let me ask you this...when you see your boyfriend chatting with another female, do you feel that she is a threat to you and your relationship? Are you afraid that whether she is attractive or not, she might be better suited for him? Are you afraid he will now be less attracted to you because he knows her? Do you believe that you if you could force him to not be friends with her, your relationship would be more secure? Because if you have those types of thoughts, you probably need to work on your own feelings of security and confidence. For your own long-term well being, not just for the relationship.

In my experience, you can't force someone to do anything they don't want to do (even if your married), and if you feel you have the power or right to force someone to change...you need to do a reality check. I hope that makes sense, but since you sound aware that your jealousy is sometimes irrational...here's another thought: It is possible that he may just be chatting and being cordial/friendly to a classmate or platonic friend. Do you not want him to be friendly to people who are friendly to him?

I think its normal to feel jealous and threatened at times. But, when jealousy gets out of control to the point where you are monitoring his online behavior, its usually a sign that you need to understand your motivations, needs, and values.

Since you can't control what someone does or feels (even if you're married), I'd say talk to him about your insecure feelings. If he listens and reassures you, you probably need to work on becoming more secure and confident so you can feel better about yourself. If he doesn't hear what you're saying or provide you with reassurance, you might consider finding a different, more understanding boyfriend and/or changing your dating situation to one that better meets your needs.

Hope that helps!

[boundaryproblem]

Originally Posted by letmejustsay

A relationship partner is only responsible for answering questions you have about his commitment level to your relationship in a way that is thoughtful and honest.

If a relationship partner is only responsible for saying if they are in or out, then what value do they add to the relationship? It is the giving and the taking (insert the word needs here) that makes the relationship what it is. Yes there are over givers and under givers - I take your point on that. But with no giving at all, there is nothing. Just a mirroring of "I'm great" "You're great", let's live parallel lives in love with ourselves. The absence of connection between the two people results in the external appearance and feeling of love, but in reality is a glorified self-love projected onto the other person/appliance in the relationship (insert word narcissism here).


About the monitoring - that presumes searching is going on. Sometimes there is such distinctive voice that innocent surfing results in tripping over people online. For ephemeral emphatic listeners, it is not unusual to recognize an internet voice, to the point that as we read the words, it is as if the person is talking across a table from us. So gear down with the "stalker" suggestions.

You are right about not forcing people to change - I take your point on that. Question is whether the other person wants to keep up. Sometimes they are good company (despite their many flaws) and are worth an investment.

Sometimes these threads get so off topic, maybe I should start a new thread about the etiquette of when you trip over someone online and they freak out. Like it is all about them. Yawn.

[Somedude]

Ugh.. I hate Facebook. My girlfriend recently moved out and I got a facebook page. There is a guy on there that keeps messaging her and posting comments on her photos even though it says she is with me right there. I asked her about him and she said he just "likes to be friends with everyone and doesn't mean anything"... yet his only recent activity is commenting my girlfriends photos. She said she wouldn't delete him because "he would keep asking to be her friend". Well I ask this... does she not see that this guy bothers me? What's worse, her bf being upset over 'a guy that means nothing' or 'a guy that means nothing trying to add her" it takes 2 seconds to say 'ignore'.

I hate Facebook. It causes unnessecary trouble. I apologize I didn't give you more advice, just sharring that you're not alone in feeling jealous over this type of thing.

[steammachine]

I don't have any advice.

All I wanted to say is that I have the exact same problem, however I'm the boyfriend in this relationship.

I know just what you are feeling right now. In fact, the reason I'm on this forum right now is that I was also trying to find a way to change and not think the thoughts I think.

The thing is, my girlfriend has NO idea I think these thoughts. We somehow managed to not add each other on facebook for the first 7 months of the relationship, then the inevitable happened. As soon as we were friends on facebook I started to read every single thing I could on her wall. I was reading completely harmless wall posts from male friends of hers and the jealously just grew. It was crazy.

The worst part is knowing that these thoughts are completely irrantional, yet I still get them, and they will not diaspear.

Let me know if you find a way to deal with these thoughts. Because one day i'm just going to crack and tell her what i'm thinking and shes going to freak out. hahahaha