You are prolonging your healing. You are gonna keep ending up at square one. He isn't answering or giving you the answer you need because its his way of manipulating you and keep you longing. You must stop this behavoir. You don't need a reason. Plenty of us didn't get a reason. Come up with your own reason. How about you giving him a reason, like you deserve better, he's emotionaly abusive, you want a healthy relationship. You must stop love. I'm just saying. Heal, let yourself heal, love yourself enough to not be a part of that toxic relationship. By him saying growing apart it confirms that he is looking at potentials. Believe me. I went through this same thing. Detach, distance, and absolutely stay nc.
For the first time this week I am finally feeling indifference. There are spurts through out the days where I just don't care about what happened. And it is AMAZING! While I know I'm not out of the woods just yet, I have realized several things over the past 17 days of absolute NC and the past 8 months of pure confusion.
1. Nothing I could have done was going to make this turn out any differently. It is what it is, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Am I so bold to think that if I had a time machine and went back to do things differently that they would turn out better? What if they turned out far worse? Maybe this situation is the best? Sure, its painful but it is getting me to learn things about my own Self. Own up to my insecurities and little foibles. Looking back at my journals throughout this whole mess, I realized why would I want someone like this in my life? It is like asking for a cancerous tumor to be inserted into my scrotum. Why?!?!?!?! It makes no sense.
2. Let go. Jesus Christ on a cracker, just let go. Yes, rehashing the situation over and over and over on LS is the same as not letting go. There is a difference with getting things out and constantly re-living them. See reasons with #1.
3. Wondering why someone you loved and cared about is all of a sudden giving you the silent treatment is not being needy or clingy. You are simply wondering why all of the silence as it is not a natural human thing to do. That being said, I know that I didn't send 500 texts in one day, email constantly, etc. If she didn't respond to one, that was enough and I stayed low for a while. After repeating this process for a few weeks, I finally "got it" that I was being ignored.
4. You can't make someone love you just like you cannot force a flower to bloom. You can't grab the bulb and force the pedals to open. All you do is kill the flower. You have to let it bloom naturally and in the due course of Nature. Sometimes, the little bastard just doesn't want to bloom. There is nothing you can do, so go find a flower that is willing to bloom and show it's true beauty to the world.
5. I'm glad I took the high road. When I finally realized what a coward she was, I wanted to lay the lumber to her. I wanted to take everything she confided in me and turn that against her. Her worst fears, her past ex's, her father, her past, etc. Take that and sling some serious mud at her. But I didn't. I simply and calmly mentioned that I hate being ignored and she would too, but I accept the situation for what it is even though I think its the dumbest thing since Snuggies. I wished her luck in her life, and signed off. Absolute NC started once I hit send. I sleep at night knowing that deep down I did the right thing because it was the right thing to do. Blowing up at her would give her reason for ignoring me. Laying it on the line, but keeping it neutral diffuses the situation and no power is dealt. She can convince herself all she wants that I'm an jerk, but deep down she has to look at herself in the mirror each day. She can run from everything but the person staring back at her in that mirror. Meanwhile I can flex and make goofy faces in the mirror and be completely happy with the oaf starting back at me.
6. Let my emotions out in a safe way. Why can't I cry? I just lost someone I loved! Sure, this is all in the privacy of my own apartment but who says I can't watch Forrest Gump and cry like a little bitch every time Jenny leaves Forrest?
7. Finally. Forgiveness. I will in time forgive her for what she did. Oh, she'll never know this but in my heart it will happen. Because acceptance and forgiveness is the first step to truly moving on. I hate the situation, but to really understand someone you must first walk a mile in their shoes. She kept silent for selfish reasons. It wasn't to protect my feelings, it was to protect her feelings. By not telling me the truth, she lied. No matter how she spins it, she lied. Half truths, almost truths, white lies, and even not responding is still a lie. It is black and white. You have the truth and everything else is a lie. If she really cared about my feelings, she would have told me the truth. No one deserves to be ostracized by the ones they love. Its painful and does irreparable damage to any relationship. Silence is NEVER the answer, unless you are a coward. But in her mind, it was the best course of action. That is simply how she deals with issues. I deal with issues different, but that is what makes us human. No two people deal with issues the exact same way. I have to accept it for what it is. I also understand that I need to accept what I did. I know I was no prince and I do not deserve to get on my throne of judgment. I have sins so I cannot cast stones.
Someone said it on another thread. Feeling like this is truly the essence of being alive. Think about it, to feel this bad something had to make you feel really good. You know you will hit that high again. Its the beauty of being alive, of feeling real emotions.
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"When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all."
Last edited by WTRanger; 5th November 2009 at 8:54 PM..
You are prolonging your healing. You are gonna keep ending up at square one. He isn't answering or giving you the answer you need because its his way of manipulating you and keep you longing. You must stop this behavoir. You don't need a reason. Plenty of us didn't get a reason. Come up with your own reason. How about you giving him a reason, like you deserve better, he's emotionaly abusive, you want a healthy relationship. You must stop love. I'm just saying. Heal, let yourself heal, love yourself enough to not be a part of that toxic relationship. By him saying growing apart it confirms that he is looking at potentials. Believe me. I went through this same thing. Detach, distance, and absolutely stay nc.
hi lilbelle, thanks for the response..... i stopped communication with him a month ago and he was the one who was texting, calling, and i did not respond to him at all, as of today, i haven't seen him in a month or spoken through the phone.. however, about 2 weeks ago, he sent an email apologizing for this that blah blah, explaining himself....wanting to start over and he said that if "we don't grow together, we'll grow apart" - blah blah he's like you need to understand me and i'm like wtf... i was the one who didn't leave ya know.. what is he talking about. this is through e-mail.. don't worry.. i don't have the desire to call him, or anything at all, unless he beats down my door and says he will change his ways and actually communicate, he will get nothing from me. him sending that email all i said was um, how do we grow together if we don't communicate...... and ya know, as times passed by, i also told him that i need to define priorities.. and i have other things going on to focus on. i believe i've gotten to a point where i realized that i am ok...... and what happened did he have a radar that sense that, ughhh....... but i'll be ok, i still love him but it's not right to be with him right now.
WTRanger, awesome post, it is amazing what time does ya know, like you, i wrote journals when this was happening to me and looking back we have gone through hell and slowly i'm coming back.... you're right - THIS IS HER ISSUE, and HIS ISSUE as well... i've learned a whole lot from me too during those times that we went through this and it actually felt good to find me again....... i'm still bothered that people act that way but ya know, it is what it is right....? and you know what's DISTURBING, this behavior is not just towards their BF/GF it is their attitude towards everyone, imagine that, that is awful..... well at least mine is that is his attitude with everyone. that's crazy.
i don't know if you read my posts but, yeah now he apologized and all this stuff wants to start over - justifying actions but right now i don't know..... i need to define priorities and i feel like right now this just doesn't seem right. unless he does something drastic to prove to me that he'll communicate - he'll get nothing from me. i even pointed out to him that we need to communicate to grow together since he was like i told you if we don't grow together we'll grow apart WTH, you're the one that shut me out (anyway, had to vent) .......
i'm sure there's nowhere else for us to go but go UP....... hope you're having a good week.
i don't know if you read my posts but, yeah now he apologized and all this stuff wants to start over - justifying actions but right now i don't know..... i need to define priorities and i feel like right now this just doesn't seem right. unless he does something drastic to prove to me that he'll communicate - he'll get nothing from me. i even pointed out to him that we need to communicate to grow together since he was like i told you if we don't grow together we'll grow apart WTH, you're the one that shut me out (anyway, had to vent) .......
How much have you responded to him about this? The one thing you must be aware of is if you ignore him just because he ignored you. That does not solve the problem and makes you no better than him. You know how awful you felt, so don't push that negative energy back into the world. This is not a time for revenge for revenge's sake. That doesn't mean to run back to him, but it means to respond to him in due time or at least let him know you are thinking. Then whatever you decide you tell him, straight up. No BS. Then move on with your life.
Only you and you alone know if you can put trust in this person again. Trust your gut. If it looks like sh*t, smells like sh*t. Chances are, its sh*t. You have your spidey senses for a reason. Trust them.
hi WTRanger, no i did not do the whole revenge thing, even if he did that to me and ignored me i didn't do that i'm not that type of person...... i told him that in order for us to grow we need to communicate and addressed the communication is a critical issue in a relationship, i responded i think a couple of days after he said that... i'm still dealing with my trust issues now..
Good to hear you responded in due time. He needs to understand that this isn't a quick fix deal. Regaining your trust will take time and massive amounts of effort on his part.
ya know, i am ok for now (i think).. and i don't know what's next, i addressed that but if he doesn't give me anything back, i don't really want to deal with it because it will probably repeat......because he was like let's take some time apart and start over and when i agreed that's when he tried to justify his actions - and said you know if we don't grow together, we'll grow apart, wait, isn't communication an important part? so i was like what?? he's the one that doesn't communicate, i also addressed 2 specific situations that were very hurtful because it seemed like he was still hung up on how the whole conflict started, not the way he behaved after that shutting me out and that's what i'm hurt about..... def, WTRanger for right now i'm just focusing on me...
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but i promise it gets better.................
Hybrid Mode
