[BFMomGuilt]

I'm asking this on behalf of my fiancé.

His parents seem to be seriously critical as well as unable to take criticism themselves or even have serious discussions about issues without it degenerating into martyrdom and guilt-tripping.

It usually goes like this:

~~~
Mom: *nonconstructive criticism about DF's job/life/clothes/etc.*
DF: "Okay, well, I'll take that into account, but I wish you wouldn't criticize me so much. Maybe just give advice when I ask you?"
Mom: "Well, I'm just so horrible and nosy, I'm such an AWFUL person, I'm SO TERRIBLE I guess you should just stop talking with me!"
~~~
Dad: *treats DF like an idiot/makes jokes about his image/implies that he's bad at things*
DF: "Dad, I feel really bad when you say these things. Can you maybe lay off with the harsh comments?"
Dad: Oh, you just can't take a joke. Grow up. Read between the lines.
DF: Okay, well, regardless, I don't like it when you make 'jokes' like this, so please, now that you know, can you make an effort to stop?
Dad: Well, I guess I'll just WALK ON EGGSHELLS around you, it seems like I can't say ANYTHING. I guess we should just stop talking to eachother then.
~~~

They always take his ACTUAL concerns, IGNORE THEM... then turn it into this huge martyr act.

At which point he's supposed to go "No no, I'm sorry, that's not what I want," and then every point he's brought up is never to be brought up again, as if this exaggerated hypothetical situation somehow invalidated his entire previous argument.

This isn't just regarding criticism of him, but on stupid mistakes they have made that have affected us, and even just minor disagreements.

Heck, they'll make RACIST comments, and when he says "Wow, that's pretty racist, you know I have Asian friends," they do the same thing, "Well, we're just so horrible, we're such AWFUL people, we're SO TERRIBLE I guess you should just stop talking with us!"

He's been looking for a way to react to this that will help defuse the situation without "backing down" or letting their manipulation get the upper hand. To retain the issues being discussed and not let them fade into the murk of assuaging his parents butthurt. This has happened for over 25 years, he's almost 30. And they manage to manipulate him and he ends up feeling "WTF just happened!? WHY DO *I* FEEL BAD NOW!?"

Any time he EVER says anything that isn't just glowing praise he gets this "well, why don't you cut off all connection with us then" shtick. He's getting to the point where it's sounding like a good idea and not just a martyr parental-guilt fest. The funny part is that they get along very well otherwise, they're just incapable of having any real interpersonal discussions without degenerating into exaggerated guilting.

I don't really know how to help him first hand, since my mother is pretty self-aware and we can have long discussions without placing blame or flipping out. He wants my help to reply to an email sent AGAIN, with the martyr act. My personal opinion as someone whose family thrives on honest communication would be to call their bluff.

"Okay, well, if you feel that way, then I guess we should stop talking."
Putting the ball back in THEIR COURT, and leaving THEM to explain they don't actually mean it.
Any tips would be great, though. Thanks, LS!

P.S. His family is European. Very "old-country".

[curiousnycgirl]

Yup I know this well - I grew up in an very old fashioned European family and experience most of what you describe.

Bottom line he has to define his boundaries and stick to them. He needs to tell them what is unacceptable and tell them if it continues he will have to stop speaking with them - and then DO IT!!!

They will call and they will harrangue him for not having picked up a phone, and his answer needs to be - that was your choice.

You both need to understand this will not change them overnight. All you guys can do is change the way you react to them. He needs to stick to his guns and know that in a few years, if he is consistent - then his relationship with them can actually be better.

Good luck