[TwoForgiving]

I left an abusive relationship over 2 years ago. I wanted to get healthy in so far as I wanted to be strong enough and aware enough to not find myself getting involved with another abusive man. Even though I've recently started to date other people I have come to the realization that I don't want to date/get involved with anyone.

I don't have any lingering feelings for my ex nor do I ever want him to come back into my life but I don't understand my own feelings. I gave myself time to heal from the previous R, have been getting therapy to deal with the psychological abuse, worked on myself. But every time I meet a new man, I find myself asking "why am I here." I combated the loneliness on my own after escaping the LTR and I don't find myself lonely, I don't need anyone financially, I have activities that keep me busy, I have friends for companionship.

I had to rebuild my life from scratch with nothing after leaving the R and I can't see myself ever sharing my life, my home with anyone anymore. I almost feel stubborn about never putting myself in that kind of situation again. Even though the men I meet are not like my ex, I just feel so jaded about men in general that when I'm out with them, I look at them and ask why do I need them. I find myself not believing that men can be honest, respectful, that they're only trying to get to know me for sex, or are looking for someone to help them out of their loneliness. I don't even miss the sex. I find it a meaningless act (that is definitely thanks to my ex who made me feel meaningless for years.) I had sex with a couple of guys and even though they made me feel more than my ex ever did, it just wasn't enough to make me want to go looking for it.

I thought after giving myself some time that I would feel ready to start something serious with someone new but I just don't feel it. Yes, I see myself wanting a companion at times with whom I could enjoy certain outings but overall I'm just fine doing most things on my own or with my friends. My friends are starting to ask me why I don't want to date one person for more than a few dates and I can't explain better than say that I don't want anyone in my life.

Has anyone ever felt like this after leaving an abusive LTR? Do you wake one day and feel like you're ready to share your life with someone again? I've spoken to my therapist and he says it's normal and that there is no prescribed time for when people are ready but I figured 2 and a half years would have been long enough especially when I have no lingering feelings (whether love or hate) for my ex, I just don't care about him in any sense anymore. Had staying with the abuse for so many years completely destroy my attitude towards men?