[OWoman]

Originally Posted by complicatedlife

I can't seem to shake thoughts of:

1. What will he do when we get married and have issues? Even though we have great, open and honest communication, he was in a relationship where for many years, it was easier to NOT discuss issues to keep peace. Has he really unlearned that behavior?

2. And if we do have problems and he decides not to share his concerns with me, will he allow the same emotional disconnection to happen to us, therefore allowing a possible window of opportunity to cheat?

3. When do I get to stop walking on eggshells for fear of being manipulative and secretive like "her" and sometimes "ALL women"? Do all divorced men go through a phase of "women don't ever tell the truth about what they really want from men which is pretty much a sperm donor and his weekly check?" How can I feel comfortable having children with him (we both would like to) with that kind of view?

While these may seem like small concerns, it really isn't small when you have to deal with number 3 on a daily basis with the (mental) threat of 1 and 2!

I guess I want to say that while some situations such as mine end up going in the OWs favor, it is at a cost. Thank God the children are adjusting well, but what if that wasn't the case? That would take precedence over 1, 2, and 3. In such a situation, before you decide that this is the man you want to be with, think very long and hard about the aftermath. I love him completely, with all of his flaws - and I stand with and by him no matter what.....but it is not easy; be prepared - not all have a smooth transition like my friend GEL, and not all are without many complications.

It's nice to be able to come back here and share with you guys; you all are missed.

Great to see you back, CL - and that things are going well with you.

I think the concerns you have are legitimate in any post-D R; or any R that follows a traumatic break-up. I know in my own M my H and I are very wary of repeating any patterns that might resonate with those of his former M. It takes work - and a great deal fo self-awareness - but your biggest ally in this is other people. Friends and family treat us so differently to how they treated them, that our social personae are so different to theirs, and this carries back home, too. Because the kids are very different around us, we don't fall into those roles, and we're more able to be ourselves.

I don't think you should walk on eggshells, though. That creates an unhealthy precedent and a bad pattern all of its own. You're you, and not "all women" and especially not "her". If he has difficulty seeing that at times, he needs to have it pointed out to him gently and himself plucked out of that headspace. He is the one with the issues - they should not become yours. Be yourself and let him deal with it - he'll have to, sooner or later, if you're to have a sustainable future with him.