Excellent insight and advice and I definately see where you are coming from.
I spoke to Jennifer Harley (Marriage building coach from "marriage builders.com" ) last night and it was the best $200 I ever spent. Helped address some of my personal issues with the holidays coming up (giver taker stuff which makes complete sense after she explained it with real life situations) and came up with a plan for reconciliation on my terms.
She said to Plan A her, send her a letter outlining points I want in the marrriage that will make us both happy (which she layed out with me) and came up with a plan to get there.
I do have a feeling that she is going to need D papers to push her over the top, but I will only file those when I'm ready to truly walk and not to get her back. This is fragile and patience is the rule of the day. Not just for her to sort through things but me as well.
OK Here is my plan and I would love to know what people think.
She has been remorseful (but I still don't fully trust it yet), she has indicated she wants to focus on me when she has sorted through her feelings of the affair and the turmoil she has created. (two weeks since NC with OM) She said she has no intention of ever having contact with him again but is not willing to write a NC letter to the guy. They are both teachers at the same school so unfortunately they see each other during dismissals but have no need for business contact. Thats my sitch Here is my plan.
- Plan A through the holidays - Have great holidays don't bring up the affair. I have been throwing it in her face WAY too much every time we talk (for the last 6 months). She said she fears this is what life would be like if she came back. So Plan A. Avoid love busters for a month during withdrawal and then work on emotional needs for myself and her. Send her a Plan A letter and do it.
- If she is not willing to write the NC letter by January I will plan B her and start moving on competely for myself and emotionally prep for Plan D. I will go dark as night with a new moon. If she doesn't 1000% committ to NC and write the letter by April. I will go to plan D (which is not a plan but a reality) and drop the papers.
She needs to feel some pain and for my self respect I need to know she is 1000% committed to NC for life and writes the letter several months BEFORE the end of the school year. It would be too easy to committ once the school year is over. I need that action.
If she write the letter she will have decided to come back to me which will put us into plan R (reconciliation). If she doesn't prescribe to a marriage rebuilding plan, repent to God (confession, we are Catholic) then I will not accept her back and the D will continue to proceed.
Thats it. Thats all myself can handle. Once Plan B goes into affect I will likely begin dating again. I stopped for now.
Assuming that she is truly NC with OM, what would be the point in writing a NC letter several months from now? It might actually invite him to contact her by way of response to the NC letter. I am concerned about her unwillingness to write the letter right now since she's supposedly already in NC mode. My guess is that she isn't actually NC and she isn't willing to sever the relationship completely just yet.
Has she looked in to getting a job elsewhere to make the chance of contact with him even more remote? What is she doing (not just saying) to show you she's committed to trying to fix the marriage?
Personally, I'd be looking for proof that they're still in contact. It's bad enough that she's asking you to wait around while she grieves a relationship with another man, worse stilll if that relationship isn't truly completely over - and you shouldn't have to put up with that.
I wouldn't want her to send the letter...Just write it for herself, her mind and her heart but not send it. This letter would be the committment to full NC and not just "I have no intentions". She cannot leave the workplace right now but rest assured I will not be around another school year should they both return next year. If he returns and she doesn't want to leave the workplace then I will be finished. If she cannot committ 1000% and write an NC letter for herself after I have gone dark for several months, then I am done with the marriage in my mind.
I need to Plan A her though for a month or two. I have been beating her up about the affair (rightly so..and she says the same) for over 6 months now. I can't stop bringing it up....of course I reminded her it was still going on, which she understood.
As far as proof of NC. I have access to her e-mail accounts, phone accounts etc, without her knowledge. If it happens I will know. It has not yet happened.
FP, I would be very careful about putting too much trust in Counselors or self-help books, If I were you. After all: 1) it is in their best interest for you to stay married, 2) they aren't married to your wife, you are. Trust your own judgement on this, don't abdicate your responsibility to a stranger. You are in charge. You must be satisfied with her actions. You must decide whether you can ever trust her again. You must decide if she is even worth having as a wife. It's ALL about you. Take ALL advice with a grain of salt (even mine). For myself, I could never live with a woman , who disrespected me, showed that she really doesn't love me, and is still putting her AP first. Your wife has shown you NOTHING concrete, so far, to give you any reason to keep her. But I completely disagree with being "patient", You must have her decision , NOW!!!!!! She must choose between you , NOW!! And she must be totally transparent, NOW!!! For your own self-respect, you should not give her one minute to think about the OM,mourn, closure, whatever. Take control. Make demands. She will see anything else as a sign of weakness. Man-up. It's your ONLY chance.
I agree with everything you are saying and I am trying not to lose sight of "giving in" too much to get her back because I know that won't work for me in the long run. It IS about me. The MB counselor did talk about making sure I was doing this for me and MY long term happiness. She helped develop the plan but left the timing up to me.
As far as greiving closure etc etc. I guess my thoughts are that I'll let her grieve a bit but I will not wait for closure with OM. I will force that issue, because that could never come.
I know I will be able to develop trust over time in the sense that she wouldn't cheat again. That is not the trust I am concerned about because she has been through Hell and back and I made sure of that. It's the trust of her feelings towards me and that she is not in touch with herself or that she may not recognize that LT relationships take work and communication.
Second marriages fail at a rate even higher than first ones. I want to try to make this first one work because God only knows what the second one would be like with no shared family holding things together.
Second marriages fail at a rate even higher than first ones. I want to try to make this first one work because God only knows what the second one would be like with no shared family holding things together.
I don't put too much credence into those statistics. Consider the fact that half the people getting remarried are the ones who broke up the first marriage and that would account for the higher probabilities IMO.
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