[JustLooking123]

I would take a long, hard look at your expectations and attitudes in this relationship. The things you have written in this and your other thread exude a hint of entitlement issues. Working for a month or so is a drop in the bucket when you look at the big picture. And if you're just doing it to get a ring, that's a problem. It sounds like you two want very different things.

[Mary3]

5 years is a * stall * to keep you satisfied and quiet.

Not sure all that has happened but it sounds like he wanted much of you , like get a job , whatever else you did ,to jump through hoops. In hopes he would pop the question.

The fact is : Many marriages FAIL because of Financial. You don't jive together with that ( as an example ) ...one is a saver...one a spender. Big fights and marriages end...

I am not saying there should be any timeline. Whether its 5 years or 2 years. Whatever it is you want , its what matters to you.

But to force a timeline and if he is just messing with you and using you will produce the death of this relationship.

But either way you are right that you are GLAD you can see whats happening here and he didnt feel compelled to marry you years ago because a forced marriage is not a successful one.

You are also right that he might not be your true soulmate.

[Malenfant]

you seem to feel as if you are 'owed' marriage, the big proposal, ring, etc.

what if marriage didnt exist? would you be happy with your relationship if you had nothing else to validate it other than your feelings?

I really dont understand this desperate need to be married, what do you think it will do? you should be confident enough in your relationship to feel that its worthwhile before you get married, not use marriage as the proof that you have a happy relationship.

[Lauriebell82]

Originally Posted by Malenfant

you seem to feel as if you are 'owed' marriage, the big proposal, ring, etc.

what if marriage didnt exist? would you be happy with your relationship if you had nothing else to validate it other than your feelings?

I really dont understand this desperate need to be married, what do you think it will do? you should be confident enough in your relationship to feel that its worthwhile before you get married, not use marriage as the proof that you have a happy relationship.

Yeah, I agree. Really if you already live together a ring is not going to change that. The only difference from when I got engaged 5 months ago was the fact that I have a ring and we are planning a wedding. It will be the same with marriage.

Katiekay, are you scared that if he doesn't marry you, he can just up and leave?? While that is an understandable concern, but he can leave you if you get married as well. You will just have to pay to break up in that case.

[boundaryproblem]

Plan A - Set a timeline.

Give him tons of warning.

When date comes and goes - walk.

Move back in AFTER wedding.




Plan B - Set a timeline.

Give him tons of warning.

Accept excuses and keep living with him.

Never end up married.




People are gunshy about getting married these days. You have to play hardball, unfortunately. Good luck.

[Mary3]

Originally Posted by boundaryproblem

Plan A - Set a timeline.

Give him tons of warning.

When date comes and goes - walk.

Move back in AFTER wedding.




Plan B - Set a timeline.

Give him tons of warning.

Accept excuses and keep living with him.

Never end up married.




People are gunshy about getting married these days. You have to play hardball, unfortunately. Good luck.

My friend did plan A. She told him " marry me or I am gone" . He married her.

But at what price ? I don't see this as anything but a forced marriage of sorts.

He told her for 3 YEARS he did NOT want to get married . Period.

When she threatened to leave him ., he caved under and married her .

Seriously how successful can their marriage be ?

It might work on the surface level but as far as a solid foundation for a future I dont know...

[Lauriebell82]

Originally Posted by Mary3

My friend did plan A. She told him " marry me or I am gone" . He married her.

But at what price ? I don't see this as anything but a forced marriage of sorts.

He told her for 3 YEARS he did NOT want to get married . Period.

When she threatened to leave him ., he caved under and married her .

Seriously how successful can their marriage be ?

It might work on the surface level but as far as a solid foundation for a future I dont know...

I agree. Women shouldn't have to threaten someone to marry them. That's a big reason for EA I believe.

[aerogurl87]

See OP this is exactly why I never plan to move in with a guy unless we are already engaged and with a set date in mind for the wedding. And for everyone asking what's a wedding do that just living together doesn't, well it does 2 things in my opinion. 1) Its a manifestation to the world that you are committed to one another and 2) it's the biggest commitment someone can ever make to someone else. Why do you think so many people who are commitment phobes don't mind cohabitation but run when you mention marriage? It's because marriage is the greatest commitment you can make. Anyone can move in together, but not everyone will run off proposing to one another and that's what makes it all the more special.

[Lionblade]

Originally Posted by aerogurl87

See OP this is exactly why I never plan to move in with a guy unless we are already engaged and with a set date in mind for the wedding. And for everyone asking what's a wedding do that just living together doesn't, well it does 2 things in my opinion. 1) Its a manifestation to the world that you are committed to one another and 2) it's the biggest commitment someone can ever make to someone else. Why do you think so many people who are commitment phobes don't mind cohabitation but run when you mention marriage? It's because marriage is the greatest commitment you can make. Anyone can move in together, but not everyone will run off proposing to one another and that's what makes it all the more special.

Because there is a difference legally should those two people decide they don't want to be with each other anymore. You're putting marriage on a huge pedestal by claiming it's significance to commitment. Just look at the rates of divorce in this country. To say I'll be with that person forever doesn't make sense. You might feel that way but you can't foresee the future; plus that statement doesn't take into account that humans change.

[Lauriebell82]

Originally Posted by Lionblade

Because there is a difference legally should those two people decide they don't want to be with each other anymore. You're putting marriage on a huge pedestal by claiming it's significance to commitment. Just look at the rates of divorce in this country. To say I'll be with that person forever doesn't make sense. You might feel that way but you can't foresee the future; plus that statement doesn't take into account that humans change.

I think this may be WHY the divorce rate is so high! People have now abadoned the idea that marriage is the ultimate committment and is FOREVER. Marriage now simply means "till change/affairs/fights do us part." Society has made it condonable to just "get out" when the going gets tough. Plus I firmly believe that humans can change TOGETHER.

If divorce was not possible I think couples would work harder at their marriages IMO.

[Mary3]

Originally Posted by aerogurl87

See OP this is exactly why I never plan to move in with a guy unless we are already engaged and with a set date in mind for the wedding. And for everyone asking what's a wedding do that just living together doesn't, well it does 2 things in my opinion. 1) Its a manifestation to the world that you are committed to one another and 2) it's the biggest commitment someone can ever make to someone else. Why do you think so many people who are commitment phobes don't mind cohabitation but run when you mention marriage? It's because marriage is the greatest commitment you can make. Anyone can move in together, but not everyone will run off proposing to one another and that's what makes it all the more special.

I have my own mixed reviews on Marriage.

It seems they make marriage very expensive and divorce relatively cheap. Lets say $ 10,000 for the wedding and $ 1,500 for divorce. This should be reversed. A small simple ceremony for $ 200 and make divorce $ 15,000.

But most brides go through this year long plan of the Ultimate Wedding. The expensive dress , flowers , cake , ect. I realize this is the BIG day for the bride but the focus of nuptials seems to be the great expense to get there.

What if the bride told her mom and day a DAY before the wedding that she could not go through with this ? Most brides might not do that because their parents have have spent enormous non refundable deposits for food , liquor , flowers , dress , cake . So even if the bride does go through with the cancellation of the wedding she suffers the humilation of telling all her friends , relatives that it is NOT going to happen. Whats worse : The wrong husband or being free to find the right one later ?

Which begs to mind : If wedding nuptials were cheap and you could back out , you likely would. ( And thats clearly because marrying this person would not be the right thing to do ) But the focus is the WEDDING, all big and shiny production . The focus does NOT seem to be after the legality of marriage. Then what ?
Then the play time is over and the B and G have to deal with finances , losses, real time reality.

I think a great wedding could be done in your living room where you only invite immediate family . Then later in an outdoor park you could do the food and cake.
I realize alot of brides might want to shoot me right now but its the conditioning since you were a little girl to read all the Bridal Magazine and follow the traditions .
How many brides are paying for their own wedding ? (I paid for mine.)
We should not take away the dream but are we forgetting about the FOCUS of marriage. To blend lives and money and create a life together.

Did you notice most men are not that involved in the whole wedding ( ( To the degree the bride )
thing ? They only worry about the TUX and what the groomsmen and ushers will be wearing ? ( I don't include all men )

I just think its conditioning since we were little girls to want a dream wedding.

What if that conditioning was a nice little party dress and mom and you made all the wedding foods , the cake . ( Likely how it happened 100 years ago ) Those marriages likely lasted longer. ( No stats on that ) What if the focus was on the marriage itself and not the expense to get there.

Who wants to shoot me first ?

[Lauriebell82]

Originally Posted by Mary3

Who wants to shoot me first ?

I don't want to shoot you..actually I agree with you.

Society has made it WAY too easy to get divorced and WAY to hard to cancel a wedding. (e.i. non-refundable deposits)

[ADF]

If he hasn't asked by now, he probably doesn't want to. You may well have to press the issue. Understand that many men are horrified by the idea of marriage. They regard it almost as a kind of death. They associate marriage with the end of freedom, the end of youth, and see it as a path to financial ruin.

What they don't understand is that by refusing to marry the women they love, they are in essence telling them, "I want an easy out. No matter how long we're together, no matter how much we share, no matter how much of your life you've invested in us, I want to be able to walk away at any time, owing you nothing and never having to look back." That is a cruel, brutal message.

Maybe explain it to him that way and he'll get it.

[stillafool]

Originally Posted by katiekayla1

Well, I have my own timeline in my mind. He has to about late spring early summer to pop the question. If no ring, then I'm going to take a BIG step back and look at the whole picture and decide if I'm going to stay or not.I feel like most people have basically said "why buy the cow when the milk is free??"That to me is just crap. Why should how much I financially help be a deciding factor in asking me to marry him? It makes me feel really worthless and like he's dangling that over my head. It's VERY HURTFUL. It's to the point that it's kinda a "sore" subject between us now. Just so EVERYONE knows, I had my own apartment and a good job before I moved in with him! I'm not pathetic,I can stand on my own feet and provide for myself and daughter. He in the beginning, didn't have ANY expectation of me, ESPECIALLY FINANCIAL. He changed the "rules" AFTER I moved in. I did what he asked.

I would say because you are bringing your child into the marriage and should be able support her financially. Why would you quit a good job after moving in with him?

[stillafool]

Originally Posted by Lucky_One

Marriage isn't a ring, it isn't a grand proposal, it isn't a dress designed to look well from the back - it is a partnership between two people who love each other deeply enough that they trust their lives and their futures to each other while they work together to achieve mutual dreams and goals.

Exactly! I would think OP would be thinking along these lines since she already has a child and has been down this road before she should know all that other junk doesn't amount to a "hill of beans". What's important is the marriage.