Let me ask you this, do you think your parents are abusing your younger sinblings?
I haven't been at home for nearly two years, so can't answer that with any degree of knowledge. I know they treated them badly while I was there, and that they have a troubled and difficult home life, but they have learnt to just put up with it, to pacify their parents a bit. Why?
Clarify - Out of curiousity - what value do you think hearing her parents' side of the story will bring to this thread? In fact do you actually believe your posts are helpful? Because frankly I'm not seeing it.
Jamiemurray - I'm keeping everything crossed for you. But remember if it doesn't happen this time, don't give up. Feel free to PM me if you wish - trust me, I've been there!
I second the motion that Clarify just isnt that into posting advice or showing support as trying to create an argument. This isnt a legal site or a Parent verses child site. Yes folks here know there are more then just one side! BUt that person/persons isnt here. SO deal with the statements or the conveying of the persons dilema. I have often beleived truth comes in many forms. From the heart, from the pain, from the facts....Try to zoom in on that instead of trying to find faults...
JM, you'll know when the time is right to approach why you left – trying to unload all of this on them when you're just getting to know them again is unfair and unwise. I know it's troubliing you, but you've GOT to first build the relationship with them, to a point where they feel they can ask you and get an honest answer. Because as another poster pointed out, right now, everything out of your mouth is questionable, thanks to the crap your mom's been telling them.
GO SLOW even if you want to do otherwise; the relationship is like a fragile plant that needs to be nurtured, not drowned, in order to grow.
It's about 23 years later now and I am still their go-to person when they need advice/support/help whatever. high-five, sister! This is fantastic news
__________________ The best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
Curiousnycgirl - Thanks for that and I'll let you know what happens. I'm not sure if she even uses her account, but hopefully!
Tayla - truth comes in many forms. From the heart, from the pain, from the facts That's really insightful. I had to read it a few times, but now I see what you mean, and I agree with you.
Quankanne - thanks for the advice: I understand now (thanks for persevering!). I'll take it slow, as you said it's most important just to get a relationsip with them again, and get them to feel that i am there for them ... explanations can come later. Especially as the truth would make their home life awkward, so it's not an option until they are older and independent.
I'm willing to bet she does use her facebook account - I'm pulling for you - once again Quank is dead on - keep it light - leave the rough stuff to the appropriate time - just establish contact and be there for her.
she;s just replied
what do i say if she asks questions about why i left, and if she mentions things that aren't true like the lies my parents have told her?
If she asks why you left, tell her it was certainly nothing to do with her and that you are so happy to be back in touch!
If she starts repeating lies, etc. do not call them out. Tell her that is one side of the story and that you hope she will form her own opinion/make her own determinations.
I don't remember how old your sister is, but my brother was only 11 when I came back, my sister was 6. My brother was a perfect ********* throughtout his teens. He totally bought all the BS they laid on him. I simply kept saying to him - "if you don't have something nice to say to me, then please don't say anything - regardless I am alway here if you need me."
When he hit about 18 (college) he called me out of the blue just to apologize! He didn't understand why I never called him a jerk, and why I allowed all his crap - and he told me that being out of the house had totally opened his eyes.
I have never complained to him about my parents, I have never bad mouthed them. When either of my siblings hurled lies at me, that clearly came from my parents - all I ever said is well that's one opinion, or that's one side of the story. If they asked me for my side - I basically said I didn't feel there was any value in rehashing old stuff. And once again telling them I hoped they formed their own opinions.
You can do this! Stop stressing the silly little bad stuff. Enjoy the good! Bond with your sister!
If she asks why you left, tell her it was certainly nothing to do with her and that you are so happy to be back in touch!
If she starts repeating lies, etc. do not call them out. Tell her that is one side of the story and that you hope she will form her own opinion/make her own determinations.
I don't remember how old your sister is, but my brother was only 11 when I came back, my sister was 6. My brother was a perfect ********* throughtout his teens. He totally bought all the BS they laid on him. I simply kept saying to him - "if you don't have something nice to say to me, then please don't say anything - regardless I am alway here if you need me."
When he hit about 18 (college) he called me out of the blue just to apologize! He didn't understand why I never called him a jerk, and why I allowed all his crap - and he told me that being out of the house had totally opened his eyes.
I have never complained to him about my parents, I have never bad mouthed them. When either of my siblings hurled lies at me, that clearly came from my parents - all I ever said is well that's one opinion, or that's one side of the story. If they asked me for my side - I basically said I didn't feel there was any value in rehashing old stuff. And once again telling them I hoped they formed their own opinions.
You can do this! Stop stressing the silly little bad stuff. Enjoy the good! Bond with your sister!
why not just say 'no that's not something that happened', i don't think it's good to let them carry on thinking that their brother tried to stab their mum - for one thing they'll always be slightly scared of me, which isn't a good basis for a relationship.
so did your elusive answers make your siblings think that maybe you weren't guilty of all those things? did they realize/ask when they were older?
Thanks everyone!! I'm now in contact with her via facebook, but she says she has a present for me and wants my address. I don't know whether this is my mum using her to find out my address or not, but either way I do not want to tell her.
Sorry I didnt answer earlier - like said I can't access LS from work.
It took years for my siblings to form their own opinions. In the begining they were just there - and like all other relationships, it took time to grow. We had ups and downs. But they figured out that I could not have done what our parents said I did.
You've asked our advice and I've given you my opinion - you keep asking the same question - and you seem to want to have this discussion. My answer is not going to change - but you need to do what you feel is right. My opinion is just that one opinion/point of view. If you don't agree with it, that's ok too.
As far as giving her your address, what's wrong with a PO box across town? Or the next town over?
Why would your mother be trying to find you? And why would her finding you be a bad thing? At some point you need to grow up - and take ownership of this relationship (no matter how bad it is) with your mother. To be honest perhaps you are not yet ready to be there for your siblings, if you still feel you must hide. How can you possibly truly be there for them if they are not even allowed to know where you live?
I think you desperately need to sort yourself out first - before you continue down this path.
I have a question. You portray your mother as obviously alcoholic, abusive and deranged. If this is true, why does everyone believe her version and not yours?
Because children - even those of alcoholic, abusive, or otherwise still sick parents - are still bonded to those parents as their only initial guide to what life is, how things work, etc. For the first years of your life, your parents are the world, and you and your parents are essentially a single identity.
In the normal course of development, a child gradually grows a sense of "self" as an individual, and especially in the adolescent years, developmental work is largely centered around accomplishing a separation of the child from the parent - eventually resulting in the "launch" of a whole, healthy person with his or her own identity and sense of self.
But around age 10, your parents are still pretty much "the world" so even in a pathological situation, there is still a bond (although often a distorted one, in those situations) that overcomes adult logic and reason.
So if the OP left (which the siblings may well experience as a real loss) it would not be hard for a parent to build a fantasy scenario incorporating that, which may not survive the test of objective, adult logic, but which, to a 10 year old, is just "how things are."
It's sad, but at the same time, this all lays the framework for the advice being given above in this thread: you probably can't directly counteract lies or falsehoods the mother would be propagating, because that puts the younger siblings into a state of confusion and anxiety (it shakes their confidence in the solidity of their mother, which, while it may be true, is probably not developmentally helpful to them right now.) At this point, the best support you may be able to provide is to keep open a caring connection, to reassure them that you are still present and interested and emotionally available. Then, as they grow and individualize and start to separate their identities and begin to analyze the world independently, they will probably start to form their own view of things, at which point their worlds will open up, and that caring connection will possibly turn into much more, and the opportunity for healing will present itself.
But, be sure: if your intent is to help them, then providing support appropriate to their developmental level is key, and this is why getting into a "what mom said vs. what I did" discussion at this time may only create more anxiety and confusion for them.
Look at whether what you are doing serves your interests (telling the true story, "clearing" your good name in their eyes...) or serves their interests (knowing you are still present and still support them), even if that means waiting until later, when they are developmentally capable of handling it, to get into healing and setting the record straight.
__________________ All that is now, All that is gone, All that's to come, and everything under the sun is in tune...
Nearly 2 years ago my relationship with my parents rapidly deteriorated because they would get drunk and out of control, and then constantly abuse and threaten me and my fiancée. I was thrown out of my home by my mother, who is an alcoholic and, i have realized, is totally unhinged, and she immediately spread lies about myself and my fiancée, so that my family and friends would be on her side, and i did not have the chance to tell people what really happened.
These lies resulted in us being beaten up, threatened with a gun and unable to leave the house because we were just immediately followed and had rocks thrown at us etc.
I was unable to get back home to see my 10 year old brother and sister because my mother went completely mad, and was harassing and terrorising my and my fiancée's family continuously for over a year.
My siblings have been told lies by my parents (the few i have heard are that i tried to stab my mum, and then ran off with my fiancée because i didn't care about my family), and they turned against me almost straight away. They were very abusive when i saw them in the street..
my god thats awful and im truly sorry.. i can only begin to imagine..
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaimemurray
..but they sent me cards at Christmas saying they loved me and wanted me back.
I have now moved very very far away, and we are finally safe, and i have started to rebuild my life and myself, and desperately want to contact my siblings, to let them know i didn't leave them out of choice, and the things they have been told aren't true, and i still love them.
I have no idea what to say though? They are 10 and 13. How should i phrase the letter? Obviously i can't just tell them what happened, as they aren't going to believe that their parents were the cause of all the problems, or believe all the things they did to me, but I want to explain that i didn't do all the bad things they have been told, and that i love them .... help!!
i would let them decide for themselves who you are. if you become close, you can tell them what happened when the time is right. if they get to know you, they'll believe it, and sympathize. you cant convince them of anything as it is now though, focus on the positive.. like the fact that you love them and the stuff that they do for fun.. your relationship with them doesnt have to be about your relationship with the rest of your family.
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and I'll let you know what happens. I'm not sure if she even uses her account, but hopefully! 
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