Please read my thread "I messed up soooo bad..."
OK, so at work hubby has taken a few extra days to rethink our decision...So we actually DO have a chance to think about it...Meanwhile, a small firm is interested in me there but potentially the salary could be 40k less... But I dont even have that job but they want me for a second interview... Do we stay safe and stay here?? They told him he will definitely be the next person to get promoted here if he stays... We will be "safe" here career wise and financially...OR do we take a big chance?? Go and potentially have it be great or regret it?? WILL we able to be happy here or will we KEEP dealing with issues from my parents and WISH we would taken less money and gone away?? I dont know!!! I wish answers like this fell from the sky....So its logic (stay) vs. taking a chance...WHAT WOULD YOU DO? We have never faced such a complex decision ever...
Decide for myself based on what it is I want out of life. If I don't know what that is, I can't make any decisions. Instead, I just run around like a headless chicken in a blind panic wanting everyone else to just tell me what to do, only to find later it really wasn't what I wanted to do.
Instead of running around in a panic, why not sit down and have a real soul-searching conversation with yourself re: what you want life to look like in five years then ten years and start plotting how to reach these.
I know I saw annoying and indecisive, but thats because I kind of am... But I am still very lost about this decision... Part of me knows that if we stay here I will be divided between my husband and Mom all the time...But the other part of me fears taking a big step down in my career if i move, something I have really worked for... If I stay, how do I deal with my mother and commit to my spouse? And you guys tell me "Just tell her it is your life. Etc." You guys do NOT know MY mother... For example, conversation with her last night:
She calls me (sounding like someone DIED) and is like
"How are you?"
Me: "I am fine. Just tired from work."
Her: "You are lying to me. You never tell me anything."
Me: No mom. I am fine. Just tired from work.
Her: I know you are not telling me something.
Me: I AM REALLY FINE! (calming down) How are you? You sound tired.
Her: See? You can tell when I dont sound good. You know something is wrong. I sound sad because you sound sad.
Me: BUT I AM NOT SAD.
Her: Then I am not sad.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! The other day, Dad's blood pressure is high becuse he misses me. Mom is always sick. Her back will break if I dont love her enough... Everytime I visit, she starts crying about not being hugged enough or some crap. SHe will NEVERRRR CHANGE!!! Explaining things to Her does NOT work!!! And to be honest, her behavior DOES distract me from focusing on my marriage... And what she ALWAYS says is "You arent like before. You used to be my best friend." ARGHHHH! Of course I am not. I am 27 and married, not 21... These things drive me crazy. Explaining them to her doesnt help because its "You all blame me. Poor mom." And "I want what other people have. THeir daughters are their best friends. I want a shoulder to cry on." and "Other peoples son in laws are like this and that."
So you see??? HOW can I deal with the completely irrational behavior and NOT let it affect me?? I am seeking genuine advice here. I want to folllow it. Really, I do.... I am trying to determine if I dont move, whether I can continue to handle all this, or in your opinion, it really IS better if we move, even if it means taking a pay cut. Please, I am seeking genuine logical advice here after knowing more about my situation....
You're right. They're not gonna change. It comes down to you managing your life and what you want to do.
Take the pay cut and go be married to H instead of parents. Freedom from emotional incest (which is what has happened to you--read that book by the same title) is worth more than a big pay check.
Thanks becoming... I appreciate it. I have never been in a such a confusing situation in my life to be honest... Close friends tell me it may be silly to leave a pefectly good place where I am living and doing fine on the professional front and run away just cause of mom. They say I need to confront her. And is she says she will have a stroke, so be it.
Then I hear, just go away and rebuild your life...maybe its worth the additional hardships...
Honestly, I dont know...Have never faced a situation quite this tough EVER.
well what does you husband think? You are telling us your friends opionions & your parents opionions. But not yourds and your hubby's.
That is what really matters. What do you and your husband want your life to be like. Money can always be made and lost careers can be rebuilt or changed.
I appreciate your advice... I am going through one of the most difficult phases of my life right now. Really, I am. Here I am...This sane intelligant 27 year old married attorney...whose insane mother is ruining her life and marriage...I tried to confront somewhat yesterday... It didnt work. What kind of mother says "I hope when you have a daughter she tortures you just like you torture me!" And when I ask her what the hell I have done, she just does that guilty "Nothing. You never do anything. You have gone so far away away from me" I mean, I dont even think she knows what she wants. Really, I dont. And then she goes I have never interfered in your marriage. What is interference?? You dont have to sit in someone's house all day to interfere. You cant completely mess up their minds and cause them to stop functioning!! And she told me not to tell my husbad about our conversation. How could I not?
I was so miserable...He tells me, "We have everything here.... Career is great. friends are great. THe only reason we would be moving is your mom. She has ruined our lives... If we stay, you HAVE to learn to handle that!" But can I ?Can I handle it??? Honestly, she is nuts. She is not going to counseling ANY time soon. That is a given. She will take it as an insult if you even say it. She always uses her health as a barrier... She is just poor mom, "begging for love". As she says "You think you are God dont you? Even if you beg God for something, he gives it to you." BUt the thing is, I dont think she even knows what she is asking for...I mean, I think her own life is SO empty, she just figures it must be my fault...We could move. But I have worked SO hard for school, exams etc, to get to the position I am at in my career. I could go there and get a job, but I would be stepping back 5 years in my career... WHAT DO I DO??? If I stay, my husband will ALWAYS expect that I deal, and eventually I know it will come to us just cutting my folks ou completely...If I go, we would lose financially and my career could go in the toilet...I just dont know...Im sorry... I just dont. I have never in my life been in such a terrible situation. And we have to decide by MONDAY!
What it sounds like your mother is really trying to say is that you don't pay enough attention to her, according to her perception.
So ask her if this is right and exactly what it is she wants. I suspect you're right: she doesn't know. She has this perception, though, that all her other friends are getting something from their children that she's not. But it doesn't sound like that's true.
Is anything ever enough with her?
You have to be very clear with these people, regardless of who they are, but your mother is the toughest. You have to say, "I'd like to spend time with you on Mons. and Thurs. going out to eat or going grocery shopping together or whatever. {whatever you can/want to give}. On this day/time, I'll be around for {specify how long} to attend to anything around the house that you need or whatever--specify. "This is what I have to give. I'm sorry it's not enough for you, but that's all I have to give." (Doesn't matter what the reasons are. You have a right to leisure and to enjoy your H without feeling guilty. So don't go there. She'll try to.) "This is what I have to give" is your mantra. Negotiate with her for a schedule of time to see her that she can count on you being there for. Her insecurity is what's kicking up her anxiety. So set a schedule of time you're willing to do things with her that you'd both like to do.
Now be honest: would you really want to do this. Are you avoiding spending time with your mother? (No judgment--no wonder!) If you don't want to schedule time for her into your life or if you simply can't (my parents are clueless about my work commitments requiring so much), then don't bother having this conversation. Go to MN and don't look back.
What's the worst that could happen? You'd kill her? So you'll be free. You'll have to live with the guilt? Welcome to life (especially as a woman) and learn to deal with it. She or your father'll have a stroke and need constant care? That's what nursing homes are for and why they have each other.
You simply must read the book Emotional Incest. Don't remember the exact title, but you'll find it on amazon.com. Your mother is trying to live her life through you, and it's almost impossible for you to make any decisions as a result of her constant subtle manipulation of you, which is often done through her goodness and kindness. This is a tricky, tricky problem that has been going on since the beginning of your life, so you can't see it. But I'd be willing to bet your H can.
Even if you move, though, you are going to have to set clear boundaries re: what behavior you will/will not tolerate from her. i.e. "If you're going to harrangue me when I am with you, I have to leave because it's affecting my mental health in a negative way, and I know, as the good mother that you are, that you wouldn't want that. And when she starts, say, "Remember what I said, Ma?" When she continues and intensifies (as she will), simply walk out or hang up on her and ignore her.
If you're willing to put her on a regular schedule of time and attention, her insecurity will calm down a bit. This will be true with phoning later, which you can keep to once a week or whatever you want.
Thanks. My brother was saying that I am 95% right. She is a nutcase. But he says if I want some sanity, I need to swallow my pride, and tell her "I am sorry for all the stuff I have done too. So lets move on." And I know her answer would be "Ok, what about your husband?" I dont know if this would improve anything. I think this might just make her think I am her little baby again. It might backfire. I dont know. My husband would HATE this solution. He would be like "WHat the hell? She is ruining our life and YOU are saying Sorry?? FOR WHAT?" I am so lost with all this stuff. Scheduling time wth her. THis is something that I thought about. Maybe lunch with her once a week or something. I dont know. All I know is that I am getting no work done.
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