I have vented about my recent crush in other threads. To cut a long story short, I fell for a guy at work. He had a long term girlfriend. He also fell pretty hard for me (so he says) and we ended up having a big snoggng session on top of lots of deep and meaningful conversations (so it was an emotional affair). He didn't want to end his long term relationship, I was upset, but didn't throw a tantrum or yell at him, I kept a reasonable distance and remained friendly (I kept it light and conversations brief at work).
This was two months ago. Now, I'm finally at a point where I am totally ok, finally accepted the situation. Although he has recently been hanging around, acting weird and like he has something he needs to say.
Yesterday, he asks me to come out with him Friday night. I find this awkward considering he is still unavailable and tell him I'd think about it (give myself time to work out what he is up to). Then later on, he drops the bombshell. " Oh and guess what?...I'm single". Apparently it was mutual.
Eh? What??? This has thrown a spanner in the works. I thought I was over him, now all these dumb feelings are coming back. He didn't say he wanted to be with me now, just..."I'm single". Like he was leaving me to stew with that thought for a while. ARRRGH!
So....let's say he does want to be with me. Can I trust him? Should I assume that if he did it to her, he will do it to me?? Or should I think I'm special, he hasn't stopped thinking about me this whole time and he is finally free to be with me?
I have no idea. Should I assume once a cheat, always a cheat?
There were some very good points in WWWM's post. I don't buy into the whole "once a cheater..." thing. I think that you would be able to better predict his behavior by asking him about what had happened before between you two. Why did he do things with you while he was taken? Did he tell his gf?
So....let's say he does want to be with me. Can I trust him? Should I assume that if he did it to her, he will do it to me?? Or should I think I'm special, he hasn't stopped thinking about me this whole time and he is finally free to be with me?
I have no idea. Should I assume once a cheat, always a cheat?
If I was you I would stay the hell away from him.
The level of cheating is not so sever as you only snogged but yes he could do it to you.
When I met my wife she was engaged. I snogged her before I knew that. One night her boyfriend walked past us kissing goodbye. It was a complete accident that he had. I didnt see her again until it was ended between
them. We hooked up for a bit, then I went travelling for a few months came back and we got together properly. We stayed together for years. Got married 18 months ago. Last week I found out she was having an affair.
He also fell pretty hard for me (so he says) and we ended up having a big snoggng session on top of lots of deep and meaningful conversations (so it was an emotional affair). He didn't want to end his long term relationship, I was upset, but didn't throw a tantrum or yell at him, I kept a reasonable distance and remained friendly (I kept it light and conversations brief at work).
What's "snogging" mean? Kissing/gropping?
Did he stop it with you first, or did you tell him you wouldn't be a part of that, and that's why it ended?
Was alcohol involved? And how long did this last?
I think all of that will tell you what kind of person he is. He was wrong to get involved with you while in a relationship, but at the same time, life isn't always so black and white as to say he's a cheater and he'll always cheat.
I think he specifically told you he was single, and asked you out to try to hook up with you again. I'd be wary. He needs time to get over his ex, not jump on the next available woman he see's. It's potentially putting you in the position of "rebound" girl, and you could get really hurt. It's not fair to you.
Personally, I'd stay away from him... if you find you absolutely have to give this a shot, then dig deep into his underlying motives for what he's done. Try to view them as unbiased as possible. Get a friend to help if you need to., or here. You'll automatically want to believe what he's telling you, so do your best to take an outsiders view of what he says.
__________________
You had me at ‘Stop following me’.
I believe there is a 'cheat' gene in people. They are more inclined to cheat if they are unhappy with the relationship, of course, but it comes down to values. If you truly love your S/O, you don't cheat.
I believe that once someone cheats on you, that's it. No second chances. If you can stomp on my heart so easily you darn sure don't deserve me.
I'm pretty jaded, especially when it comes to cheating, but I do believe that once a cheater always a cheater. It's not true 100% of the time but I believe that it is a majority of the time. I think it's far deeper than just cheating. I've seen exbfs do this and I see my friends do this all the time. There are a couple of underlying issues that lead me to believe that people who cheat are missing something that cause them to cheat. All of the cheaters that I have come across have one or more of these issues:
- Lack of empathy / lack of emotional intelligence ~ they do not have deep emotions and they can't understand the damage that it will do to the person they are cheating on because they are incapable of feeling those kinds of emotions. Sometimes this comes with maturity and while they would still want to cheat, they may not in the future. The majority of the time these individuals (if they are adults) are incabable of developing their emotional intelligence so as not to cheat again, barring therapy. Many of the people that I have come across in this category suffered abuse or neglect as children although it's certainly not always the case.
- Selfishness ~ Some people are just downright selfish. They can have everything so they take it all. While they may have the emotional intelligence to understand what they're doing, nobody else's feelings are of consequence to them.
- Fear of being alone ~ instead of breaking up with their SO when they are unhappy in a relationship they start a physical / emotional affair (even if it is a ONS) because they need to have someone else. Sometimes they are unhappy with their relationship and are so afraid of hurting their SO by breaking up with them that they impulsively act and cheat. This of course only causes more damage than if they had the courage to break up with them on their own.
- Co-dependency / Lack of self-esteem ~ these individuals can not comfort themselves and constantly feel empty. They can not fill this void from within so they seek others to fill the void. Similarly to those with a fear of being alone, they need someone and they are usually so needy that one person can not satisfy all of their needs.
I've only seen one person cheat once and I've seen more people than I can count that have cheated multiple times. The bottom line is all of these people are in unsatisfying relationships and they are unsatisfying for various reasons. IMHO, because no relationship is without it's down times, I belive that those who were at one point in their lives inclined to cheat will do it again because at that low point in their current relationship, it is unsatisfying.
I believe that people can change but they have to want to. If they start being secretive then there is something to that .Probably got something to hide.
I think "What's so Different" by Ginuwine has the best advice here.
"You say you want my trust and, told me you were leavin, how am I to know that you wouldn't do it to me? You're tellin me it's different, but what the hell is different, if you cheated on him you'll do it to me..."
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Once a cheat, always a cheat: True or false?
Hybrid Mode
