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I've been reading the "How do I tell my wife that she's overweight?" thread and it seems as though this is a more common issue than I would have thought. Some men even suggest leaving their wives due to weight gain. I was kind of surprised to read this. Of course everyone wants their SO to stay in shape but is it really that big of an issue, a deal breaker, enough to break up a marriage? I'm not asking with judgement I would just like honest opinions from people as to the importance of weight/looks in a relationship. At what point does a change in weight/looks become an issue (ie. how much of a change)?
When I was married my then wife was about 5'7 145 lbs.. I was married for 5 years and in that time she swelled to almost 180lbs+ and I never cared.. It was her body not mine..
As well as the weight gain was caused by all the injections from invitro and trying to have a baby as well as having a misscarriage at 3 months..
so her body was out of whack
I do think though that if she got any larger I might have said something only for the health issue..
When you love someone you don't notice their size.
I do think though that if she got any larger I might have said something only for the health issue. When you love someone you don't notice their size.
I think the average person feels this way, that some weight gain is inevitable, therefore not comment-worthy, but there is a fine line between putting on some weight and being unhealthily overweight. I think it's kind of stingy to tell someone that they're not worthy of your love because of a weight problem, though.
__________________ The best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
Keeping yourself at respectable size is part of making sure your spouse stays in love with you. Just as you have to do the little gestures to show them you still love them you must also still care enough about what they think not to let yourself go. A little wieght gain is not a big deal but when in it is a lot of weight due to pure and simple laziness it becomes problem.
Looks are not everything and I would still love my wife if she gained weight but when she stops caring about her looks and stops trying to look good for me then the weight is not the only route of the promblems that will insue.
Looks are not everything and I would still love my wife if she gained weight but when she stops caring about her looks and stops trying to look good for me then the weight is not the only route of the promblems that will insue.
Good statement, and I'll add in: She should be trying to make herself look good for HERSELF, not only for you. Self confidence, how one looks, dresses, smells and carries themselves is important.
When I was married my then wife was about 5'7 145 lbs.. I was married for 5 years and in that time she swelled to almost 180lbs+ and I never cared.. It was her body not mine..
As well as the weight gain was caused by all the injections from invitro and trying to have a baby as well as having a misscarriage at 3 months..
so her body was out of whack
I do think though that if she got any larger I might have said something only for the health issue..
When you love someone you don't notice their size.
I'm sorry, but that much weight does affect my attraction to her. Not my love for her but definitely my attraction for her. To such an extent that I frequently can't function in the bedroom because I am so turned off. Does that make me a jerk? Or is this a completely unreasonable amount of weight?
It's a wholly unreasonable amount of weight. If you were being vicious and cruel about it, I'd call you a jerk...but you're not being vicious. You're being a concerned and honest spouse.
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What would you people do in this situation? Am I so bad of a person for being affected by it? Would you be?
Yes, I'd be affected by it.
Sexual attraction shouldn't be conditional on a partner being physically perfect, but I think it's fair enough for people to expect that their partners would want to enhance their sex lives - and be attractive to their partners - by keeping in reasonable shape.
Provided you aren't being cruel and destructive - eg comparing your partner unfavourably to other women, telling her she looks "ugly" etc - and it certainly doesn't sound as if you are, then I think it's reasonable for you to be concerned about the fact that she weighs more than 300 pounds. Slightly overweight is one thing - and many people quite suit being a little on the plump side - but 300 pounds is unhealthily obese by any standards.
It might be helpful if you switch the emphasis away from your feelings about her size - and turn it more towards what she thinks about it, and whether she'd be happier if she was slimmer and fitter. That's all about giving her back a bit of control...and, hopefully, starting to do something about her weight because she wants to, rather than because she feels pressurised into it. If she does show signs of trying to address the problem, remember to give her lots of encouragement - positive re-inforcement is always more effective than negative comments....and, obviously, is better for your relationship.
I am from the school of thought that if I can't see mr happy anymore then I need to diet
Art_Critic you are not seeing things clearly. You need to get Mr. Happy extended a bit more then .
Weight is only an issue, if it is a health issue. Not all people who are overweight suffer from depression (which is a mental health issue). If a SO has one, you should try to be encouraging him / her to address the issue, and become healthier. That will have a positive impact on both your lives. Well worth it.
__________________
Doubts are more cruel than the worst of truths. - Molière
The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Adorno
My wife's weight gain is seriously hurting our marriage.
I don't demand skinny, not at all. But she gained 170 pounds to reach a grand total of 310 pounds. And has kept it on for over 10 years.
I'm sorry, but that much weight does affect my attraction to her. Not my love for her but definitely my attraction for her. To such an extent that I frequently can't function in the bedroom because I am so turned off. Does that make me a jerk? Or is this a completely unreasonable amount of weight?
We frequently have the "You should love me the way I am" fight. What she just won't hear is that I DO love her but the weight has brought our sex life to a virtual stop. And since she equates sex to love, no sex means I don't love her.
What would you people do in this situation? Am I so bad of a person for being affected by it? Would you be?
If I got into a relationship and the girl gained 100 lbs while we were together I would definitely be bothered by it. I don't buy the "you should love me no matter what" BS. If she isn't putting in the same effort to maintain herself that she did in the beginning of the relationship then not only is she less attractive, but it means she doesn't feel the relationship is important enough to put in the requisite effort. It's not just the physical attractiveness, or lack thereof, of the weight gain, but the attitude behind it.
It goes not only for weight but for other things. If a girl was nice and sweet and treated me well in the beginning, should I stick around and "love her no matter what" if she stopped treating me well? Of course not. The same goes for personal hygiene or any other number of things that go into making yourself an attractive partner. I think it's an unhealthy mentality to think, "Well I have you now so I can just let myself go and you should stick around anyway."
I don't stop going to the gym when I'm in a relationship. One good thing about my last ex was that she ran 5 miles a day without fail and helped motivate me to hit the gym more often. I liked that.
If anything I hit the gym more when I'm in a relationship than when I'm single. For one, I want to look good to my SO. And secondly, I want to already be looking good should we break up and I have to dive back into the dating pool.
It may not be PC to say, but I think people should keep themselves looking good for their partner, not just for themselves. I want my SO to think I'm hot, not just tolerate me out of a sense--false or not--of obligation.
__________________ "Weird world. Your kids?" "I figure my character has kids." "You know, there isn't a part of that sentence I don't need explained." "Well, see, when you're acting you need to think about stuff like that."
No, you're not a bad person for being affected by it. You can't help how you feel. I think it's really great that you can distinguish your love for her from your loss of attraction due to the weight gain. The numbers that you posted aren't healthy, is she concerned about her health? Is there a reason that she gained that much weight and can she get help for whatever reason it is?
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