I watched Dr. Phil a while back about dealing with troubled relationship. He asked the couple on the show at the tiime..."Is it more important to prove yourself right or to solve the problem"? In other words most people are caught in a power struggle to prove themselves right or prove that they are the Victim, as is the case with a narcissist. My goal with my ex was to communicate and negotiate a better relationship. I apologized more than I need to even. Her goal was to blame everything on me and proclaim herself as the innocent Victim. It takes two and you have to be on the same page to keep a relationship going. If the person you are dating is self-absorbed and can never ever be wrong, it's time to get out. Of course that part is not so hard as getting over it after that's been said and done.
Yes they are masters at that. I learned that towards the end of my relationship that non-defensive communication was best. I ignored her guilt trips and blame she tried to cast on me. It's hard to to, but if you give in and defend yourself like you want to do, then they realize they have control over you. It's all about power to them. Basically they (narcissists) are like children. Any attention, positive or negative, is what they want. Give them no attention and they go nuts or leave you alone. Similar to a child crying.
I saw the Dr Phil you are talking about this afternoon (it must be on earlier here). It is definately something to watch. I just ended a relationship like you are describing JohnJohn. It was NEVER his fault. I made the mistake once of telling him something was his fault and he screamed at me nonstop for about 30 minutes. He had a way of making me doubt my sanity. Until I watched the show today I was actually wondering if my breaking up with him because he was on dating and adult sites was stupid. He had be almost convinced I was overreacting. The show is a definate must see for both those who let themselves me treated badly and those who treat others badly. "you have to take care of yourself" : )
Thanks for your posts. It feels so good to know others are going through the same thing and moving on from it.
I am excited to watch it! OMG I cannot tell you how many times I heard I was over reacting! Or "we are fine and have no problems" when we truly did!!! 20 minutes til show time!
ok I just watched it and I am a little confused and need to be slapped in the face by you all......all these women were verrbally or physically abused. I was never. He never yelled or called me names or hit me or ever even raised his voice to me-ever! So then I am scared I am over reacting! Am I? I guess the fact that he ignores me is the abuse part and the fact that he does not show he cares is abuse? Is that right? Neglect is as bad as hitting me
? I also assume that being a Narcssist, that is part of his charm....to be sweet and not be abusive in his own mind, but really he is being emotionally abusive. Am I over reacting?
Beth,
You are absolutely correct. A common misconception of abuse is that it takes the form of physical or verbal. Emotional abuse like you experienced can actually be much worse and take longer to heal. I went through the same thing with my ex. I would have almost rather she called me names than do the emotional withdrawal because at least I could put my finger on it. The emotional abusers are more "stealth" and it causes more uncertainty and pain over long periods of time. It also shows it is more calculated and premeditated than verbal or physical. You are not crazy. I thought the same. A good book to read is "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward, Ph.D.
JOhn JOhn.....have you spoken to the ex? Are you doing better with time?
No I haven't. It has been almost two months now. I fight the urge to contact her almost everday but fortunately I don't. I am doing better with time, but sometimes I take a step backward every now and then. However, I think I am taking more steps forward. It just takes time. How about you?
well the last thing that happened was he contacted me on my b-day and said he loved me and of course I fell for it. Stupidly. I am doing strict NC now and have been for 2 weeks. This is the 10th time he has disappeared(sad, i know) We have been together for 3.5 yrs....well counting all the breaks or silent treatments, it prob boils down to 1!!!
It is his pattern to call and be sweet and I fall and then the cycle begins...he ignores, i chase, i am miserable and then we begin again.
I am really doing NC 100%. I have to . i look back and I have been so miserable for so long. If he would just stop contacting me, it would be easier. It is about 2-4 wks before he calls on these disappearing acts. He acts like nothing is wrong and says he loves me. This time, I have decided to not even answer him. For once. I do not like to be mean and ignore people, but this is an exception.
I am surviving. We were LD, so I never saw him anyways. My life is pretty much the same minus the drama. I can do this and you can too! For me, it is all in my head!
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